Happy International Unfunny Liars Day re-post




Re-post of a re-post of a re-reun of a simulacrum.

 
You know what needs to go on the list? Buffalo wings.  Football too. And blow jobs. All of those things are awful. LOL Just kidddddding you guys! I’m just hoaxing you. Those things aren’t on the list.  It’s  actually just international unfunny liars day today. The day we get to make things up and drop comedy bricks on each other with abandon. Like the fact that you thought this was a new post, but it’s really just a version of the same one I wrote last year for April Fool’s.

It’s also a tradition for newspapers and magazines to run phony stories which are either so obviously fake you sort of have to wonder what the point is, or believable enough to be true and get your attention for five seconds only to reach the stunning twist at the end which is basically this: just kidding. But the joke is on them, because no one reads newspapers and magazines any more. (Actually that joke is also on me.
Fuuuck.)

Here are some good ones I just looked up in five seconds on Wikipedia, which is like the April Fool’s Day of information:


Last year The Guardian announced that it would be the first newspaper to publish exclusively on Twitter.

Everyone probably had a good pinkie-raising chuckle reading this over their morning tea. Won’t be so funny in five years when it’s actually true though will it?

Every year National Public Radio in the United States does an extensive news story on April 1. These usually start off more or less reasonably, and get more and more unusual. A recent example is the story on the “iBod” a portable body control device.In 2008 it reported that the IRS, to assure rebate checks were actually spent, was shipping consumer products instead of checks

.

It also runs false sponsor mentions, such as “Support for NPR comes from the Soylent Corporation, manufacturing protein-rich food products in a variety of colors. Soylent Green is People.

Hoooo-boy, is there any one less funny than a chin-bearded 55 year old with a rainbow Democrat bumper sticker on his tote bag?

Oh wait, of course there is:

On April 1, 2009, on the heels of the autho industry bailout, Car and Driver claimed on their website that President Barack Obama had ordered Chevrolet and Dodge to pull NASCAR funding. The article was removed from the website and replaced with an apology to readers, after upset NASCAR fans protested on the Car and Driver website. Conservative pundit Ann Coulter notably fell for the joke.

OK, so NASCAR fans and Ann Coulter are fucking morons, everyone knows that, but a lot of the credit for this souffle of comedy failure has to go to the magazine itself too. Here’s a quick comedy lesson for the five people reading this site, all of whom should know better anyway: Saying something as if it were true, but actually meaning the opposite [!] is not a prank. It’s called lying. It’s also called irony, but never mind that for now.

Here’s another good one I fell for last year

, because like every other god damned holiday apparently April Fool’s is going to start flopping over the top of its allotted space. (Like your love handles in those skinny jeans, say.) In this one the editor of Deadspin, the sports blog where commentors compete to string Simpsons and Caddyshack quotes together the fastest beneath articles about mean coaches and athlete penises, the editor posted a fake write up about his arrest for a DUI. Turns out it was all a joke. Should have seen that one coming, I suppose. That seems entirely implausible that a thirty something sports fan would get a DUI. Nicely played, Deadspin.

It’s gotten to the point where even things that are supposed to be true are hard to believe on this jovial day of mischief. If you turned on the tv right now last year and they told you, say, Rhode Island was being washed away in a deluge, would you believe it? I know you wouldn’t care, but would you believe it?

“Water flowed like a torrent around the Warwick Mall, with rapids approaching the front doors of a Macy’s and an Old Navy store and putting a movie theater under water. Cars were submerged up to their roofs. Oil slicks floated on top of muddy water through neighborhoods,” the story reads. “The heavy rain is the latest setback to Rhode Island, which has struggled for months with an unemployment rate nearing 13 percent – about 3 percentage points higher than the national average. Some of the areas worst hit were business districts, including the area around the Warwick Mall, one of the state’s major shopping areas.”

Got to be a joke right? No one in Rhode Island can actually afford to go shopping. Haha, just kidding guys. I love Rhode Island. (No I don’t.) Or do I?

See what I did there? That’s how April Fool’s pranks are done my friends, painfully boring, awkward and just sort of depressing for everyone involved. Like living in Rhode Island in general, you might say.