It used to be that we would stress out over what specific consumer items we would obligatorily and indifferently foist into the unhinged maws of our friends and families like dropping a fistful of rusty nickels into the gloved-hands of the guy selling flowers on the side of the on-ramp before peaceing the fuck out of their vicinity and back to our couches and TVs, but then the idea of the holiday gift guide was born, and wasting your money on bullshit no one wants for people you barely realize exist the other 11 months of the year built by soot-faced Asian urchins, and marketed by cynical vultures became a lot easier.
Soon the gift guide conceit became so popular that we started getting overwhelmed again with the bounty of servicey-advterorials overflowing, cornucopia-like, from the internetty horn of plenty instructing us on whom to bestow our ill-gotten currency-waste in order to express a more specific brand of seasonal-gimmick-based love.
That's why I've put together this handy Holiday Gift Guide Guide, to help you narrow down which of the guides from the roughly 100% of publications putting out their own/skirting around pay-for-play content ethics.
Soon the gift guide conceit became so popular that we started getting overwhelmed again with the bounty of servicey-advterorials overflowing, cornucopia-like, from the internetty horn of plenty instructing us on whom to bestow our ill-gotten currency-waste in order to express a more specific brand of seasonal-gimmick-based love.
That's why I've put together this handy Holiday Gift Guide Guide, to help you narrow down which of the guides from the roughly 100% of publications putting out their own/skirting around pay-for-play content ethics.
Men's Health
Is there a man in your life? Does he enjoy 50 word blurbs about testicle-science, half of which are taken up by glad-handing quotes like "according to Professor Strugglesworth from the University Small Enough to Answer Our Intern's Phone Calls"? Then you should peruse through this 90+ image slideshow of things that all men want, like an iPad mini, because how else would that have ever occurred to you, and, obviously, a telescope. What dude doesn't want a telescope? Especially so he can check back in on you after he's moved a thousand miles away when he found out you bought him a fucking telescope for Christmas.
CNET
Does the concerned party in your vague social orbit appreciate technology and gadgets? If so, do not buy that dude shit, because he's going to accept it with a condescending sneer and wish you had held out for the next superficially improved version that's coming out in a few months, and Jesus, you really don't know anything about headphone science, do you? On the bright side, this guide of expensive doohickeys is a good starting point for people who want to give themselves the gift of peace and quiet while their s.o. stares blissfully at a screen of some sort or other for the majority of his or her waking hours.
New York Magazine
"What do you give the person who has everything—besides an envious stare? One of these 26 unforgettable experiences," explains this New York Magazine "experiential gift guide." How about nothing? That's what I'd give someone who has everything, because what the hell does that fake construct need another gift for? "You know what, rich friend?" I'd say. "Gonna go ahead and skip out on buying you anything out of some false sense of camaraderie, because, as you well know, you've got more shit than you know what to do with already, and no way I'm contributing to that whole thing." These suggestions: Have Them Stalked, Spatter Them With Sweat, Send Them Hang Gliding, Hook Them Up With a Drag Queen sound more like the steps in an overly elaborate prank than gifts anyway.
Fox News
"Don’t panic! One present that always hits the spot with women is the gift of beauty!" says this Fox news gift guide for beauty lovers. Women do want to look good for men, right? Show the woman in your life you care by getting her a gym membership, and the gift of of "less pizza" I'm guessing this one gos on to suggest, along with, like, makeup wands and potions or whatever. Potions are a good gift for both your special lady and also any wizard whose name you happen to draw in the office Secret Santa.
Better Homes and Gardens
You know what would be a pretty amazing gift? A better home and/or garden. Like, your mom wakes up on Christmas morning in a pile of rubble in the house you've secretly dismantled while she was sleeping, but then, "PSYCHE! I GOT YOU A BETTER HOME" you say, pointing to the much bigger, nicer home you put up across the street over night as she stares in horror at the ruin you've made of her lifetime of accumulated memories. "Also there's a garden out back. Not just a better garden, the best fucking garden. Get digging!" And then you get her an amazing shovel, because mom's love shovels. Also a new wine opener of some sort would be nice.
Entertainment Weekly
Is your friend or family member incapable of processing anything meaningful in life without first filtering it through a malignant, inherited-filter of pop culture remove? Then get them a fucking He-Man sweater or a chair with Ryan Reynolds fucking face on it, or a zombie head cookie jar, or a Game of Thrones decal to put on their toilet, because any five seconds we spend unaware of the existence of entertainment makes us one step closer to a more genuine means of experiencing reality, and that's not good for anyone's bottom line.
USA Today
Are you the type of person that reads USA Today? You should probably just sit this one out with the whole gift-giving thing, because you, my friend, make some questionable consumer choices already and frankly you can't be trusted. This James Bond DVD package they suggest here looks like a pretty sharp choices for someone who wants to send the message of "I just don't know, I just....can't."
The Daily Beast
This piece combines the general uselessness of a gift guide with the vacant content platform of a flow chart to combine for the perfect storm of internet shit-fistedness. [Are they into leather? --> On whips or watches? --> A la Indiana Jones? --> Are you buying a gift for Indiana Jones!? --> You know that's a fictional character, right? --> Alright, it's your money. Get him, like, a hat, and a Nazi face to punch.] Actually, a Nazi face to punch should probably top every single one of these gits guides out there now that it's ocurred to me. Everyone is dropping the ball. Sometimes think Christmas doesn't mean anything anymore.
Huffington Post
Trend-chasing hipster-mavens the Huffington Post have got a round up of gift ideas for the least sincere person you know, including some fucking thing or other Zooey Dechanel is involved with, some dumb bike thing, something about Brooklyn, iPhones, I don't know, like fonts, coffee, skateboards, Andy Warhol, and you could literally predict every other talking point covered so let's just move on. For real though, those Instagram cookie stamps look kind of cute, so, just saying if anyone who loves/tolerates me is reading this.
Food and Wine
Got one of those unique snowflakes in your life who appreciate the consumption of foodstuffs for sustenance, or happens to have that unique character trait of enjoying the feelings of inebriation brought on by the breakdown of the enzymes contained in alochol? How did you find that rare gem? Better make sure you cater to their specific interests with this guide from Food and Wine, who have rounded up important must-haves like a $250 cupcake stand, because cupcakes are so hot right now, pinecone syrup, and DIY mushroom kits, although, if you ask me, the DIY mushroom scene isn't anything like it used to be anymore since the corporate mushroom interests have taken over.
brought to you by
7 comments:
Consumption of food stuffs for sustenance is trendy as fuck... Doggone hipsters
I'm totally hoping I draw our resident wizard in the office secret santa so I can give him some potions.
dude is kind of a perv tho
So it's a pretty good rant against consumerism but $10 says Mrs. Luke O'Neil will be yelling to the neighbors, "He went to Jareds!" Christmas morning. Unless of course you enjoy the vagina embargo. I suggest some kind of intertwined diamond encrusted heart or some shit. Promo CDs just won't cut it for the little missus anymore. Hairy Christmas you hunk of hairy man.
I am proud to say I am a pretty non-bullshit gift-giver on Christmas. Couple cute things here and there, then something we buy together for eachother that we both need.
Sorry, but I'm with the foaming-mouthed retards on this one. It's actually ironic because Psy's in this mess for pandering to (Korean) foaming-mouthed retards in the first place. He wants one thing and one thing only: money. The easiest way for entertainers to make bank in the early 00s in Korea was by expressing nationalist/borderline racist anti-American sentiments because in 2002 two little Korean girls were tragically killed by a US tank which ran them over (accidentally). There were some safety oversights by the army which probably contributed to the girls' deaths and Koreans were furious when the soldiers manning the tanks were found to be immune from prosecution under Korean law and were tried by a US military tribunal instead. There were massive street protests and quite a few whiteys in Korea at the time were beaten up by crowds of demonstrators (one French guy was hospitalised). No Mu-hyeon won the presidency in 2003 on the back of all this with some pretty racist anti-westerner sentiments and a vow to reduce the US military presence in South Korea. In 2004 Psy was just chasing anti-US dollars (or won) by making this pathetic song. He studied in the US for a long time so I doubt he personally harbours strong anti-American sentiments; he was just doing whatever he saw as the best way to make money (which possibly makes it worse). Then for the last six months he's been kissing ass all over US television telling delightful anecdotes about the wonderful time he spent at Berklee. I think it's fine to call him out on his hypocrisy.
Gah, I'm a foaming-mouthed retard as well. Having two tabs open at once is too advanced for me.
Post a Comment