Funny story, this exact same thing in the video below is what happened to me last time I dressed up for Halloween. So... you can understand why I'm such a prick about it.

Creep (Radiohead) - Scala & Kolacny Brothers from Alex Heller on Vimeo.

I think we can all agree that the moral of this moving story is that skinny blonds are all murderers. 

That's pretty much all I got for you till tomorrow. I'd call the weekend a success. I'd be lying, but I'd still say it. Because I don't care about your feelings.

* Offer not valid for children over 25 years old (except Halloween skanks).

Halloween party reenactment

We've already established that Halloween is on the List. And it goes without saying that putting hours of painstaking construction into building, like, a suit of armor from Halo and hanging outside the comic book store is a little bit much. Better off spending that time making a time machine and going back to a year when you weren't so hopelessly alone. *

But even worse than that is the half-assed Halloween guy rocking some last-minute high concept meta costume that he has to explain to everyone at the party. (Going to a party). You can't just strap a cell phone on your dad jeans and walk around all night looking self-satisfied and say your costume is a Baby Boomer. You can't wear your waiter apron and walk around asking anyone if you can get them another drink and say you're going as a liberal arts major.

There's a pretty simple rule at work here: If you don't want to do something, don't do it. It just makes you look like you caved in to peer pressure at the last second and decided maybe your firm stand against dressing up isn't so bad ass after all. Your whimsical Target employee name tag and shopping bag ensemble don't make you look like a devil-may-care rogue deigning to play along with the proles on their silly holiday, you look like this guy I sat next to at a wedding recently rocking a Pittsburgh Steelers tie. You dressed up in order to say (to some invisible panel of judges who float through the clouds) that you dressed up, but you didn't really dress up. In fact you look even worse than if you hadn't done anything in the first place. Same idea behind the wrinkly khakis and blue oxford you wear to your business casual office. That's the half-assed costume of life. The one where you show up to work every day pretending to be a dude who isn't counting the hours until the sweet, merciful release of the big sleep.

Actually that's a pretty good costume idea: a dead guy. I've got a gun you can borrow if you need one.

*Because people who read comic books and play video games are nerds amirite?

One thing I've always said, and you can check the record on this down at the library, is that wearing fabrics cut in a slightly different way than how other people normally wear those types of fabrics is automatically indicative of your relationship to penis. Just ask this Dr. of Sociology:

All good points, I guess, but am I the only one getting a little turned on by all that descriptive language there? Was he trying to write the set up to a gay porno, because I'm sort of feeling where he's coming from, vis a vis the nut-huggin talk. Email me bro. I can keep shit quiet. Real quiet.

This just went up over at Platform. Go read it over there because it's just more polite that way. Speaking of polite:

So I got punished assigned a review of the JAM'N 94.5 MONSTER JAM the other night, which is a pop radio station festival over here in Boston.  You can read it here if you're desperate for...well, just desperate I guess. Nicky Minaj, Drake, B.o.B, Shontelle... It was probably the most normal thing I've ever done in my life -- and I used to hang out every weekend at a Pizzeria Uno at the mall when I was growing up, and I've seen at least two episodes of CSI. 

Couple things: first of all, everyone knows live hip hop and r&b pop shows fucking blow. The god-awful braying, the bragging, the incessant hype men. Shut the fuck up for five seconds dude, I want to hear the song, not have you yell your resume at me. Secondly, giant shows at places like the TD Garden, where this party of 15,000 bridge and tunnel teenage street fighter wannabees and reality tv sluts in training took place are literally the worst setting on earth to see a live music performance. The sound sucks, the sight lines suck, the lines are bread famine length, and the over all shit-smeered Americana of the whole thing in which you're ushered around holding pens like potential criminals as opposed to people who appreciate music is just a major bum out. To top that off, they weren't even serving beer at the show.  Fair enough though, since I was probably the only person over 21 there. But still, even if I'd only had three beers and a pretzel they could've made at least $400.

Another weird thing they did: since some of the sets were only supposed to be ten or fifteen minutes (play your hit, then GTFO) they'd literally cut the mic in the middle of a song. NEXT. What is that all about? It was like they were presenting the Oscar for best achievement in auto-tune. Nicki Minaj, Shontelle, even headliner B.o.B got the bumrush off the stage. You've got to keep the wheels of the pop star treadmill running slick, I guess. Besides, by the time the seemingly interminable concert was over, I don't think some of the acts were even popular anymore -- not only is your fifteen minute set up The New Boyz, your fifteen minutes of fame are too. Thanks for coming. 

I was wandering the halls of the arena in between sets like a shell-shocked survivor of the culture wars, trying to find someone to sympathize with. I saw groups of young girls, all ass and teeth and hair, showing off their bodies like water buffaloes presenting their hairy cow vaginas in mating season while still managing to stuff pizza into their faces, and popped-collar hood rat interns jockeying for their spot in the tiny-boner awards, and I wanted to pull some of them aside. Music doesn't have to be like this, I wanted to tell them. There's a whole other world out there.  

I finally decided I was going to talk to some kids, to see why they were here, and what it was that they were most excited about. I had just ordered a $17 coke, so I went over to the concession area to get a straw. A nice-seeming girl came over looking for napkins to wipe nacho juice off her paws. All of the napkin dispensers were empty though, so she did the next logical thing: grabbed a fistful of fifty or so straws and starting wiping herself off with the paper they're wrapped in.  Then she threw the entire disposable mess all over the counter and the floor and turned away as if nothing had happened. 

I was thinking about what a great metaphor that display was for this type of concert in general on the way out when I saw at least seven girl fights, (not the hot kind), three people being taken away on stretchers (also not hot), and a group of dudes getting hassled by the pigs (kind of hot). Shontelle sang that one "Impossible" song though, so, you know... good show I guess. Can't wait till next year.

You know how in dystopian sci-fi films there's always a scene in a night club where a band in, like, shoulder pads with spikes on them and pierced nipples is singing the scary music of the future? Except it doesn't seem quite believable, right? Wait, they're not still going to be playing industrial techno horseshit a thousand years from now are they? Because if so, I want my time machine down payment back.  Well, that's pretty much what going to see Die Antwoord is like, as I learned last night when they played in Boston.

I've been saying for almost a year now that they're just a novelty act, and probably won't stick around too long, even though their songs are catchy as bed bugs, and just as evil. I may have been wrong, because I stood there watching and dancing with my mouth open the entire time, and only partly because Yolandi is the hottest thing to happen to white trash since Sudafed and paint thinner.  Maybe it was just a case of the massive dance floor boner I had going there and all the blood was washed out of my thinking hole, but...wait what am I talking about again? Um...

So here's their schtick: co-opting poor, shitty white culture, dressing up in goofy costumes, rapping over the top lyrics about sex and yelling the word ninja all the time. Wait, that sounds familiar. 

Woops, sorry hipsters, you just got tricked into self-identifying as a juggalo. It feels kind of nice actually. Let the dumb run through you. Feel its power.

This just went up over at Street Carnage. Go read the rest there if you're into following links. Weirdo.


Talking shit about reality TV is boring because what else is there to say about how it has ruined the world and made literally everyone you know stupid? But it’s easy to forget that no matter how shitty something seems from the outside looking in, there are plenty of people who bust their asses every day trying to squeeze diamonds out of a pile of shit, like my man here, who is a reality TV producer and has worked on tons of shows you’ve pretended not to watch, both low-brow like hidden camera bits and shows where obese people learn the greatest lesson of all (love), to high-quality stuff like shows that feature hard-working blue collar bad asses doing their blue collar bad ass thing. I asked him about what sort of ridiculous hoops he has to jump through to make sure America stays dumb — I mean entertained.

SBTVC: Walk me through an average day as a reality TV producer? What do you spend most of your time doing?

REALITY TV PRODUCER: I get into work most days around 8:30 in the morning. Most people don’t come in for about another hour or so. I try to use this time to get all of my writing done because by 9:30 it turns into a zoo. I share a bullpen with ten other people. There is a lot of yelling that goes on; not much of it is in anger — well, that’s not true. I would say most of it’s in anger.
Once everyone is in, I divide my time between working with my segment producer to prep for the upcoming shoot and sitting in the edit bays watching down what we’ve already shot. On top of that, I’m emailing and calling people trying to find out as much as I can about the area and the subject we are about to shoot so I can incorporate it into the script.

Because, like all reality shows, we are understaffed and under budgeted, we are forced to wear a lot of hats. I spend the majority of my time just putting out fires, whether it be tracking down the correct material to make a mermaid tale or negotiating an interview fee for a witness who claims she saw an alien. I spend a ton of time fixing problems when they pop up.

What’s the most time consuming part of your job? How much footage does it generally take to produce an hour-long episode? Is editing it all together the most tedious part?

The most time consuming part of the job is probably just running everything down that needs to be down before we go out for a shoot. I will spend hours taking care of all the problems. You also have to try and foresee any likely problem that could arise and have an answer for that as well. It’s tough to answer your question about editing because each show is different and they all take different amount of material to make. You take a show like [a certain, well-respected program] and a one-hour episode has 100s of hours of footage, while other shows like [another one you've heard of] take much less.
But I actually really like the editing part of the job. It is when you can actually see the show take form and come together. So much can be saved in the edit. I’ve seen pieces of shit going in and not as big of a piece of shit come out on the other side.

That’s gross. So are the people who want to be on reality TV really the dregs of humanity or what?

The people that want to be on reality TV are truly and utterly fucked-up people. These delusional bastards think people actually want to see them and that they are interesting. Let me tell you, these people are not interesting, they are just crazy. But at the end of a show after watching these people throughout the shoot and edit, I come to a place where I don’t just dislike the cast, I really hate them.
As a producer it is my job to coddle them and to make sure that they give us what we need, and coddling these people isn’t easy. Whether it’s cleaning up a mess they created or giving them cigarettes so they will do an interview, I have to make sure they are in good mood. Everyone thinks they know what they are getting themselves into by signing up to be on a reality show, but two weeks into it they realize that the cameras are always on them and they start hating it more and more. Basically I have to get them back in the right headspace.

The worst person I’ve had to deal with is [notable reality TV regular]. He was on [a really big show] and now does the reality circuit getting on whatever show will take him. He would get drunk every night and scream at the crew, and eventually went nuts and shit on one of the other cast members. That’s right: He took a shit on a person.

What about in the production side? Who are the biggest pricks you have to work with side-by-side?

Like any industry, there are always self-entitled dicks. But for some reason there seems to be a high level of dickheadedness in reality TV. Some EPs (Executive Producers) are screamers and they will just go off for no real reason but to do it. Then you have the network executives and they are really charmers. The majority of network people have never really worked in the field. They were assistants and they got moved up, so they have no idea how a TV show actually gets made and they will ask for things that are physically impossible, like a flying horse. My favorite executive story came one day out on set when we were shooting something that went really well, and the executive wasn’t as happy as we were and she told us that it was good but the middle part was boring. Yes, it was, that is why we have editing: We take out the boring parts and amp up the drama. It was like she didn’t even know how TV was made.

Are you ever proud of anything you’ve done?

There have been a few shows that I have worked on that got awarded or recognized for being good. That was my proudest moment. Also, I got to do behind-the-scene commentary for an enhanced version of one of the shows I worked on and that was really fun.

Do you try to get the people on some of these shows drunk on purpose so they act out?

On house reality shows, like The Real World or The Bachelor, a lot of drinking goes on because there is nothing to do. There is no TV, they aren’t allowed to leave the house, all there is to do is drink. So that is exactly what goes on. It also promotes bad behavior, which makes for good TV. I have seen some real drunkards. But the bigger story is the partying that goes on by the crew. If you are doing a location shoot, it is just pure debauchery. Tons of heavy drinking and drug use. You are forced to work these insane schedules, so when there is down time, the crew goes nuts. Lot of cheating goes on between co-workers, it’s just sort of a known thing.

What do you think about reality TV in general? Do people who work in it get really jazzed about what they’re doing or would most of them rather be doing something else?

I think reality TV is fine. I’m not really that into it but it pays my bills and, to be honest, I don’t really watch that much television because I work so much. But most people aren’t that into it, they are into doing the best job they can, whether it be working in reality or walking a dog. I would say there are very few people that actually move to Los Angeles to work in reality. I think most want to be in the scripted side of things, but the majority of jobs are in reality.

Do you enjoy any sort of social cachet because of what you do in LA?

No, this job gets me nothing. So many people are in the entertainment industry and the title “producer” gets thrown around so much that when I say I’m a producer, most people just roll their eyes and laugh. I really wish it could get me some attention from the ladies, but nope, it doesn’t even get me in the door.

Like most people with a healthy respect for the Constitution and an ass-pocket full of Jesus, you guys know how to inspect eggs for salmonella, right? No? Then you, my friends, are shit out of luck. Have fun eating poison omelets for the rest of your short, puking-out-of-your-eyes lives, because shit is about to be on.  Brunch is for fatties anyway.

That guy with the bike fetish down below I was talking about yesterday makes this paragon of self reliance and bootstrap politics look like Abby Hoffman's weed skeleton campaigning for Dennis Kucinich. 

From Crooks and Liars, that irrepressible gang of wacky, freedom-hating liberals:

GOP House candidate Jesse Kelly is running for Arizona’s 8th congressional district, and of course embraced that free market fetishism we've come to know and love at a campaign rally hosted by the Pima County Tea Party Patriots, telling a questioner it's our job to protect ourselves from eggs with salmonella: 

During a question-and-answer period, a voter asked Kelly about the recent salmonella outbreak, which led to recall of more than half a billion eggs.The voter asked if Kelly, if elected, would he help pass a law that would allow the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and other government agencies to shut down companies that have too many safety violations, such as the companies that allowed millions of eggs that sickened people to be sold to the public.

Kelly responded that he doesn’t “believe what we’re lacking right now is more regulations on companies,” complaining that “you could probably spit on the grass and get arrested by the federal government by now.”

When the voter followed up by asking, “Who’s protecting us?” Kelly responded, “It’s our job to protect ourselves.”

The exasperated voter asked once more, “Am I supposed to go to a chicken farmer and say I’d like you to close down because all of your birds are half dead?” Kelly once more answered, “There’s a new thing that comes along every day. But I know this: Every part of our economy that is regulated by the government doesn’t have fewer disasters, it has more”

I don't really have anything else I can add to this, mostly because I just died of shame. Fortunately I planned ahead and fashioned a sort of crude system of levers and pulleys to animate my corpse for a few more List updates. You shouldn't notice any interuptions in normal service for at least a couple days until my lifeless flesh starts to turn sour. Here's another picture of a bear on a bicycle to wash the stupid out of your eyes. 

This is kind of old news in Colorado, but word travels slow sometimes when you're dealing with logic this revolutionary. Could be something about insanity warping space time.

Lube our brains up for the crazy-fucking, Denver Post. It's ok, we like it rough:

Oh hi, remember when I predicted this a few days back? I'm like the Nostradamus of half-assed bits over here. Looks like I don't have to fuck a shoe now. Don't have to, that is. Someone remind me real quick what the difference between satire, parody, imitation, and mailing it in is again. I'm pretty familiar with the latter, which you know if you've been reading this site the past few days, it's just the other stuff I guess I'm not clear on anymore.

Thanks to for pointing out that I'm a genius. Would it have killed him to say anything about how handsome I am too though?

Yes, shitting on SNL for being boring and shitty is boring and shitty, but if they're gonna make it so easy for us, it's pretty hard to resist. Like your sister* for example. The next bit was pretty good though I have to admit. The joke was, if I'm understanding it correctly, that gay guys like to go clubbing. Haha, you guys.


*because she's promiscuous 

YOU KNOW WHERE THEY MAKE THE BEST PIZZA EVAR!?

Lemme guess, somewhere near where you grew up or live now, am I right?

I'm right aren't I? It's right near your house isn't it? The best pizza in the entire world! Best margarita? Best dry cleaner or something? Best, what, haberdasher?

Thanks for the tip, you're pretty clued in to the scene I guess. Are you like a party promoter or something?

Or else maybe it's in some out of the way place you want me to know you've traveled to. Awesome seafood in Chile, you say? Let's segue from that into details about your trip. What's the beef like in Kumamoto anyway? Hey, you know where they make the best jokes about you in the world? Right behind your back when you walk away from this conversation.

Sorry gang, I'm fresh out of dick jokes today, and working on some straight stories that require me to use my big words, but in the meantime if you want to go check out some music shit I put up today, go read this interview I did on Banditas over at Street Carnage or this review of the new Gold Panda over at the Phoenix. None of which is what you might call "funny", but then again, that requirement has never stopped you from coming to this awful site before now has it? 

1. Haha, this is a joke right? This isn't a real thing is it. Come on you guys.

2. Jesus Chris this song fucking sucks. "Rockin in the club catch me on a elephant"? This bitch looks like she's line dancing outside the methadone clinic.

3. Alright, I'll just pretend it doesn't exist. If I don't play the song, then it can't hurt me. 

4.  I guess this is just what music is like now. I don't really care. I'm just used to it by now. It could be worse, it's not like she's gonna repeat that "I feel so elegant" line again. Oh. Oh god, she did it again. This is just bumming me out.

5. You know what? Maybe it isn't so bad after all? I think I'm ready to hear the song again. Hmm... It's kind of chill actually. I'm even starting to like her dance moves now. That synth line is pretty fresh actually, and she's kind of cute. Sure, maybe the flow isn't amazing, but it's got a sort of disheveled meth-dealer's girlfriend charm to it in a way. Let me just listen one more time to make sure. Yeah, I can deal with this. This...this is actually pretty good. I think everything is going to be ok.

Probably safe to say New York candidate for governor Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party isn't going to be elected to state-wide office anytime soon. But if the highlights from his debate last night are any indication, he's already won at least one election: an election called love. Love, as you probably know, is usually pretty fucking insane. PS: Can I elect this guy to be my grandfather at the very least?

Some highlights: 

As a karate expert I will not talk about anyone up here, because our children can't afford to live anywhere, no where. Why? You said it, the rent is too damn high

Hard to argue with sound logic like that. 

Rent Too Damn High Party feel if you want to marry a shoe, I'll marry you.

That's what I've been saying all along! If god didn't want people to marry shoes, then why does he make them look at me so slutty like that all the time? 


PS Part 2: If Kenan Thompson doesn't ruin everything that's already funny about this guy on SNL this week I will literally fuck a shoe. No, I'm not gonna marry one until people everywhere can marry a shoe. That's called solidarity. I'm sort of sensitive like that.

Like most normal people these days I can't really achieve sexual gratification unless I've thoroughly humiliated the person I'm having congress with (penis-wise). But this facial arms race thing is getting a little out of hand.

Caucasian mountains once to be the most visited ski resort in USSR, now Russia still has access to some parts of them including the tallest mountain of Europe and Russia - mt. Elbrus, standing as high as 18,156 ft. tall (around 5642 m). via

My man Mick Murray has been shooting pictures at basically every show and party I’ve been to for the past ten years, which is gonna be great some day when I’m senile and can’t remember shit that I did in my 20s. Dude is straight hustling long after I’m like fuck it, I’m going to bed. Basically, if you’re a band that has come through Boston, or someone who likes to stand in front of bands while they’re working, he’s pointed a camera at your face. I was looking through some of his photos online the other day and asked him some questions about how he does it. Also, he’s Irish (I think), but I won’t hold that against him. Read the rest at Street Carnage

I just did a piece over at Deadspin about the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life: Comcast changed the controls on my DVR, so now when I'm fast forwarding through something I'm recording, it "auto-corrects" and jumps back to where it thinks I really wanted to start playing the program again. I didn't even realize this was something that was supposed to be happening when the change kicked in a few months ago. I thought my DVR was just broken. So I did what I normally do when something breaks: complain a lot, then pretend it isn't broken until someone else will deal with it. Well this time they fucked with the wrong part of my life and I couldn't take it sitting down, so I did the one other thing I know how to do: complain a lot in writing. I used my words, you might say. 

Anyway, go read the piece over there if you're into that sort of thing. The comments are pretty great too. Here's one useful one I got:

"You should stop smoking, that is a much bigger issue than you are making this DVR thing out to be."

Here's another:

"Since when did Andy Rooney begin write for Deadspin?"

Hehe, Because of complaining.  

A lot of people who commented mentioned they use other services like DirecTV or TiVo that have had this thing for a while, which was helpful for anyone who didn't read me say the exact same thing in the story they were commenting on. The point is, they're used to it. They've evolved to the circumstances of their environment and have made the best of it. That's nice, but there are extremophilic organisms that have adapted to sub-zero, or near boiling temperatures at the bottom of the sea. That doesn't mean I want to go over to their place to watch the game.

The other thing I didn't have space to mention in the story is that the opposite thing happens when you're rewinding now -- it nudges you forward. I think it's possible to start off rewinding and press play quickly, then end up having somehow fast forwarded. That's some wormhole shit. It's like watching a football game scripted by the producers of Lost. (No one steal that idea.) 

If you're having a problem with this, you might consider calling the Comcast customer service line. They should be able to help. Tell them I said thanks in advance.

When I put CVS on the List way back when, I thought the worst thing I could say about this mausoleum of shuffle-footed medicine-zombies was that it required me to stand in line for six days next to old people and 17 year old milfs whenever I needed a pack of dukes or a case of powdered drank. Turns out they're even worse than that. Sing that snarky blues, Gawker: 

Do you have asthma? Well, try not to be poor, too! Or, actually, not poor, just... a dollar short:

"I had exactly a twenty-dollar bill. It came to twenty-one and change," [her boyfriend] Jack Brown said. "I offered him my cell phone, my wallet. I said i live right around the corner. I come in here all the time."

He was told the inhaler with tax would cost just over $21. He was short a dollar and change.

"I said 'Can you just give her the pump. She's on the floor wheezing," Jack said. "I didn't know if an ambulance would get there on time. He said there was nothing he could do for me."

Thankfully the girl didn't die. Although I guess I don't actually know her, so what do I care? You know what I mean. Also, looks like she's from Jersey, where allowing someone to die from an asthma attack is considered a compassionate death (haha, because of New Jersey, you see?) I'd say we organize a boycott of CVS to protest their systematic death-mongering ways, but if their brutally fluorescent-lit model of servicing cave bats get-better syrup hasn't turned all of you away by now, then this probably isn't going to change your mind. Also, I am literally going to go to CVS as soon as I write this to get some toothpaste and balls powder. It's just so close to my house, how can something so trivial as death get in the way of convenience? Also, I just realized I don't really give a shit about any of this. I dunno, I gotta go. Be back in a fortnight when I'm done wending my way through the pharmacy line.

Apparently packs of voracious mutant wolves roaming the earth intent on destroying everything we hold dear is the hot new trend this week.

First there was this Russian cop above who got his ass spooked by a pack of savage beasts. "He spotted the 11-strong marauding pack hurtling down both lanes of Russia's M23 as he spoke to the driver in Rostov-on-Don in the south west of the country - and dived into the car's back seat," wrote  The Sun  using a bunch of words that sound entirely made up. 

I emailed the wolf leader to see what his deal was, and he was like "What the fuck is email?" 

Hmmm, angry wolves, judging everyone across the land in a fury of tooth, claw, and half-assed jokes? Why does that sound familiar

 

I better be getting a percentage on this shit when it's inevitably turned into a movie.  Oh, also, this is probably some sort of awful viral marketing stunt, so never mind. 

Just posted a bit on how to have a long term relationship over on Platform. Go read the rest over there. 

 

I was just brainstorming some story ideas with Robert, and he said he was looking for something about how contemporary dating works these days. Good idea, but I have no clue actually, since I've been in a relationship with the same woman for eight years now. Honestly, I don't envy you kids with your social media dating and your hidden sex tapes and whatever other science fiction shit you get up to when it comes time to bone. Although it might have been nice to be able to instantly look up every single potential partner in her underwear on the internet back when I was single. Really dropped the ball on that one, science. On the other hand, I do know how to make a long term relationship work. Here's some advice. 

LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE

It just sort of surprises me, is all I'm saying.  This just went up over on STREET CARNAGE, so go read the rest there.

Newsflash: People are awful and racist. No shit, right? Except I don’t know a single person who is actively racist — unless you count people over the age of 75, who sort of get a pass. (That’s where the term “grandfathered in” comes from, by the way.) Then again, I live and work in Cambridge, MA, which aside from Berkley is home to the single highest population of sensitive pussies in the country, so what do I know about racists? It’s racist to drink out of the wrong type of coffee container here and to not be really into performance art, so maybe I’m not the best judge.

Fortunately for people like me, the website People Who Said Nigger Today is here to remind us just how dreadful most of you people are out there. The title is pretty self-explanatory: It collects Facebook posts from people who dropped the N-bomb (as no one calls it) in front of their friends, family, parole officers, Jesus, Batman and everyone else monitoring the Internets. Like this pearl of wisdom right here from a fellow by the name of something something (he complained and I didn't feel like dealing with it). Consider everything sic.

“Obama is a Spook!!!! and i mean it in all negative senses.” So there are positive interpretations of that word. Cool, good to know.

“His ‘wounderful’ health care plan is costing my buddy $230 a MONTH!!!! holy shit ya know? that stupid nigger (no offense black ppl) should keel over and die. Who the fuck voted for him should be removed from voter regestery for life..Sorry mom and dad your DUMB”
I asked the guy behind the site why he hasn’t jumped off a fucking bridge after having to trawl through the whiter, dumber corners of the Internet’s racist underbelly.

 

 

Who are you first of all, or are you anonymous?

 
I’m anonymous, or as much as I can manage it, because I don’t want to deal with violent right-wingers in my personal life. Most of these people are just talk, but I have no doubt that more than a few PWSNTers are really mentally ill and have nothing to lose.

Why did you start collecting this stuff? Were you seeing a lot of people talking shit on Facebook and just got fed up or what?

 
I started archiving Facebook posts with racial slurs once I realized that for the most part, they go unnoticed and disappear down the memory hole. I figure if these people are so proud of their racist public updates, there shouldn’t be a problem with me reposting them for posterity.
Most of the credit for the site goes to youropenbook.org, which I think was intended to demonstrate how little privacy the default Facebook profile has, but quickly became a way to just find out how unimaginably fucking stupid most people are. I certainly wasn’t the first person who realized you could search for racial slurs, or commonly misspelled words, or potentially interesting combinations. I was just the only one dumb enough to make a site for the most offensive slur in the language.

How does it work? People send them in to you?

 
When I launched the site, I put up a “send contributions to” link, but took it off. Contributions have to be verified; I don’t want to fuck up someone’s life because someone sent me a fraudulent screenshot. All of the posts on the site are either me or one of the five other trusted contributors.

I sort of have this idea that nobody is really racist if you sat them down and talked to them about it in a neutral setting, and that it’s all just a thing that stupid people pretend to be on board with in order to impress their friends. After looking through some of this stuff I might have to cancel that dumb theory.

 
A few of the people on the site probably are like that, but that doesn’t really make it OK. I can tell you that pretty much everyone posted is just vile and vulgar and completely depressing to read about. It’s like a never-ending episode of COPS. Bad decisions, shitty communication skills, no way for them to step back and realize that their lives are fucked up not because of blacks, but because of their own mistakes and failures.

What’s the most common refrain you’ve found among these people?

 
It’s mostly “fuck you, I don’t care what you think, this is who I am,” etc. A real weird sort of defiant shittiness, as if acting out were the only way they could get attention, even if it is negative. A huge proportion of them are giving the finger to the camera.

That’s bad ass. What are a few of the posts you’ve seen that have just blown your mind?

 
Nazi Monday was hard, because while a lot of neo-nazis don’t come right out and say the word. It’s a depressing flood of ignorance and hate toward anyone who isn’t white (and their very specific, nazi-supporting kind of white). Guys who weigh 500 pounds and have no job taking about how they’re the master race. Women with six kids by five guys talking shit about the intelligence of a Harvard-educated black guy with a well-adjusted family who is also the goddamn President. The worst one I ever saw, though, was a normal-looking guy with a normal-looking family, you know, vacation pictures and such, helping out with bake sales, dropping 14/88 in every post. Like, “hey, buy cookies to raise money for the school, 14/88 brothers!” Lynchianly weird.

In your FAQ you take on sort of a defensive attitude. Are people giving you a lot of shit for this site?

 
It’s actually not very common; most of the emails and comments I get are supportive. But the negative ones are really homogenous and thus the questions/accusations therein are technically “frequent.” [They say] “you’re fat + gay + unfunny + a Jew + fat.” So, okay, believe that if you want to. I don’t care.

I think it’s still OK to be racist against fat people. Anyway, you’re white. Is that relevant?

 
I don’t think you can have a discussion of the word without the race of the participants being a factor. I’m white, and maybe I’m overstepping my boundaries as far as being personally offended by it enough to archive other white people saying it publicly. But I’m doing it anyway.