Friday, March 29, 2013

Boston Police Catfishing Indie Rockers




As anyone who's watched a single crime story on TV or film knows, undercover detective work is dangerous business. There inevitably comes a moment when the crime boss gets suspicious.  Scary, sure, but at least police officers have a working knowledge of the rules of the crime game. They’ve trained their whole lives to pull off this deception.

Passing yourself off as a credible music scenester, on the other hand, is an order of magnitude more difficult. Never mind drug lords—no one can identify a poseur more quickly than a hipster; sniffing out fakes is essentially the entire job description. That's what Boston police are finding out as their bungling efforts to infiltrate the underground rock scene online are being exposed.

A recently passed nuisance control ordinance has spurred a citywide crackdown on house shows—concerts played in private homes, rather than in clubs. The police, it appears, are taking a particularly modern approach to address the issue: They're posing as music fans online to ferret out intel on where these DIY shows are going to take place. While police departments have been using social media to investigate for years, its use in such seemingly trivial crimes would be rather chilling, if these efforts didn’t seem so laughably inept. It's a law enforcement technique seemingly cribbed from MTV’s Catfish—but instead of creating a fake persona to ensnare the marks in a romantic internet scam, it's music fandom that's being feigned.

Thursday, March 28, 2013



In the hierarchy of of social media interactions, Twitter favorites are pretty low on the totem pole. It breaks down roughly like so: Facebook share > Twitter retweet >  Tumblr reblog > Facebook like > Instagram heart > Tumblr heart > Twitter favorite. That’s mostly because nobody has any fucking idea what a favorite is actually supposed to mean, or, at least, nobody has taken the time to lay out all of the possible implications. Here they are.

1) Flirting
Favorites are essentially what Facebook pokes used to be, but with 75% less desperation. In some remote cultures, in fact, five favorites in a row is considered a binding marriage contract by law. If someone of the opposite sex, or someone who appears attracted to members of your sex, favorites a single one of your posts, that means they want to have sex with you. Cuddle at worst. DM them right away to ask about meeting up next time they’re passing through your specific regional scene for a guaranteed awkward and disappointing encounter. You seemed funnier online. Less fat too.

Buzzfeed Somehow Out Buzzfeeds Themselves With the Most Useless Listicle Yet


There comes a point in the lifespan of any disaster, George W. Bush’s presidency, say, where it becomes such an accurate representation of its own central joke, becomes what it is, in the Kierkegaardian sense, that it emerges almost parody-proof. Consider the erupting volcano of brain-melting internet lava Buzzfeed, for another example. For a long time now, the listicle industrial complex’s cruel merchants of mirthful doom have been churning out posts like 39 Signs You Grew Up In The ’90s, 35 Signs You Grew Up In Los Angeles In The ’90, or 26 Signs You Grew Up In NYC In The ’90s, each of which are delightful collections of pop culture references that any sentient consumer will have heard of, and upon recognizing their own membership in our collectively shared history, feel a sense of overwhelming belonging to the human race. urkeldance.gif is a powerful uniting force.

Read the rest

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

This Week's Billboard Top Ten: Pitbull Really, Really, Really Wants You To Know He's From Miami.



I used to write the intro and post Jake Zavracky's Billboard Top Ten pieces here at PTOTSL, but he seems to have the format down, so I just let him write them himself now, posing as me. Have I mentioned how charming and sexy he is? And his music is great, you can buy it here. Don't even bother listening to it first, just take my word for it and buy it immediately.

10. Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera - Feel This Moment

I wonder where Pitbull is from. If only he would tell us in every song he's ever recorded.

9. will.i.am feat. Britney Spears - "Scream and Shout"

Yet another ear fucking from the man who has mastered putting the lowest common denominator through an autotuner and the woman whose lasting fame should put to rest any doubts as to whether almost everyone is fucking stupid.

8. Pink "Just Give Me A Reason"

Oh goody gumdrops, another piano ballad enters the top ten this week. The timbres of Pink and Fun. vocalist Nate Ruess' powerhouse voices blend together nicely but like most of Pink's catalog, the song fails to surpass the meh threshold.

7. Taylor Swift "I Knew You Were Trouble"

It's a pretty well established fact that bumming smokes off a random stranger on the street in not cool. But I'd like to submit that asking for a light from a random stranger on the street is uncool as well. Everybody in your party has to stop and wait for the lighter borrower to awkwardly light the cigarette that he probably bummed from someone else. It's cold and windy. Buy a lighter, hippie. They cost a dollar.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Your wedding sucks and you are not special

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Justin Glawe doesn't want to hear about your dreamy love story, wedding nerds. 

I realize I'm not the first person to find an incredibly awful "our wedding" website thing with an equally terrible registry list, but that should not prevent me from a good, old-fashioned ranty rant.

I just find something mind-numbingly upsetting about two people who, in their "about us" section, write "we say we met in college..." then go on to describe how they actually met in college, followed by the fact that they've had "an amazing few years of vacations around the world, learning all about each other's good and bad habits and cheering on our Reds and Cubbies." Perhaps that money spent on globe-trotting could have been better used to buy all the shit they're asking guests to purchase so they have the perfect, Martha Stewart kitchen/bedroom/living room they've she's always wanted.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Obvious narc is obvious




Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Has Boston Jumped the Shark?



A bombshell plot twist announced by the FBI on Monday, claiming that they had uncovered the identity of the thieves behind an art heist from Boston’s Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum two decades ago, has set into motion the sudden denouement to one of the city's most enduring mysteries (the first being what that weird smell is on the Blue Line). The news came 23 years to the day after two men dressed as police officers pulled off one of the most brazen crimes in art history, absconding with 13 works of art, including rare works by Degas, Rembrandt, and Vermeer estimated at a value of over $500 million. Longtime followers of the case, one that has become woven into the city's folklore underbelly, may finally soon have the answers they've been waiting for. 

So why does that make me, a Bostonian, a little uneasy? 

You may recall that about a year and a half ago another one of the city's dangling plotlines was suddenly wrapped up with the capture of James Whitey Bulger, now on trial for his decades-long crime spree. (It's long been speculated that Bulger may have had information on the Gardner heist). Of course, the apprehension of notorious criminals is something we can all agree is generally a good thing, even in Boston, but it's starting to feel a little like they're wrapping up all the loose ends in the final season of “Boston: The Series” here awful quickly.

Wait, are we being cancelled?

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Two Promising Rapist Careers Cut Short in Steubenville



A verdict was handed down in the Steubenville rape case today, with two of the young men being found guilty. It's a tragic story, but not for the reasons you might think -- you know the ones about the teenage girl being gang raped. There are other victims here too, CNN reported.

CNN’s Candy Crowley began her breaking news report by showing Lipps handing down the sentence and telling CNN reporter Poppy Harlow that she “cannot imagine” how emotional the sentencing must have been.
Harlow explained that it had been “incredibly difficult” to watch “as these two young men — who had such promising futures, star football players, very good students — literally watched as they believed their life fell apart.”
“One of the young men, Ma’lik Richmond, as that sentence came down, he collapsed,” the CNN reporter recalled, adding that the convicted rapist told his attorney that “my life is over, no one is going to want me now.” ()
This is difficult to watch. I guess the worst part really is that we'll never really get to see what life might've been like for these two otherwise, and what sort of bigger, more horrifying, and disgusting rapes they could have worked toward had their short careers as sexual predators not been cut short. 

UPDATE: Not so fast on all the talking shit on 'male athletes as creepy rapists' though, every other type of guy ever.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Favorite Porn Search Terms By State Are Predictable, Weird



PornMD, a site I promise I’ve never heard of until now, but have already bookmarked, has released an interactive map showing the top search terms for porn online broken down by state and by country, a survey that I learned about from Buzzfeed, the internet’s #1 non-sex related jerk-off enabler. “Ever wonder which states or countries are into what when it comes to what goes on behind closed doors?” they ask, introducing the data. No, actually, that’s a pretty weird thing to wonder. I mean, I do now, but still, that’s on you guys. “In this graphic below we take a closer look at the sexual interests of people around the planet.”

By people, they mean dudes. Specifically single dudes. Or married ones. Also every other type of dude.

Most of the top search terms throughout the country are somewhat predictable: teens, milfs, pictures of Buzzfeed editors printed out then cummed on, and so on. More importantly, which of them can I make jokes about? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Read the rest at Bullett. 

How To Do SXSW Like A Grizzled Old Man


SXSW is in full-swing this week down in Austin, and that means a constant blast of updates in your news feed from your friends and colleagues maxing out their annual diarrhea expense accounts. Many publications are eager to tell you the best ways to enjoy your time at the festival. All of those people are lying to you. Here's some advice on how to do SXSW like a grizzled old man.

1) Don't go.

2) OK, fine, go if you must, but ask yourself this first: Are you 22 years old? You are not. You are an adult person who doesn't have the stomach/knees/attention span to see more than three bands in a day, never mind 15-20. You can see three great bands tonight in your very own city, and it'll be a lot cheaper to get a cab back home to your own apartment afterwards without swimming upstream against a churning stew of spawning-ground-bound mackerel in cut off jorts and flourescent tank tops.

3) Over do it the first night you're there. Stay up all night drinking and partying, that way your body will provide you a natural excuse to skip out on all the outdoor mid-day showcases headlined by the sun with a special DJ set by your charred skin that you didn't really want to go to anyway tomorrow.

Friday, March 8, 2013

How Online Trolling is the New Punk Rock



Many have long suspected the internet is essentially one big roiling wellspring of bile, but there hasn't been much scientific proof to bolster this premise until now. A new study in The Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, suggests the internet isn't just enabling and giving voice to trolls, it's actually a feedback loop that's poisoning the well of discourse and infecting us all with the negativity virus, amplifying the petty cretin's barbaric yawp in a self-replicating incubator of savage behavior.

The study attempted to measure what researchers called “the nasty effect” online. The researchers showed participants a blog post about a new tech product, then asked them to read comments about the post. One group were shown constructive, polite discourse, while the second were exposed to more crass commentary. They found that the readers who were forced to wade into the typically teeth-gnashing battle zone of the commentariat came away from the article with a more negative impression on the original post than the former group.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

This Week's Top Ten and the Mysterious Success of "Harlem Shake"


After a couple weeks off, Jake Zavracky returns to writing about the top of the pops this week:

Despite the public outcry, I've stopped doing weekly updates on the Top 10 here at PTSOTL, mostly because it hardly ever fucking changes. After one writes about Bruno Mars' "Locked Out of Heaven" eleven times, for example, one begins to run out of things to write about it. 

10. Lil Wayne, Drake, Future - "Love Me"

This song is surely a signal of the end of America, and, since Drake is Canadian, Canada. Although an argument could be made that these gentleman are just verbalizing the things in many a man's mind, it's hard to be sympathetic to any plights they may have when they are comparing their girlfriend's undercarriages to meteor sized cavities in the ground.

9. Bruno Mars - "Locked Out of Heaven"

I want to have a word with the guy that hasn't heard this song enough.

8. Justin Timberlake feat. Jay Z - "Suit and Tie"

Good tune here, but Jay Z's rap is pointless and comes off as more of a marketing tool than an artistic effort, and, on top of that, the beat changes to accomodate his pointless rap which disrupts the whole flow of the song, which had probably overstayed its welcome in the first place.

Sorry, But the Joke In The Onion Piece About Boston Is Actually on New York


Everyone is having a healthy little snort at this piece from The Onion yesterday Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game Of ‘Big City.’ And for good reason: it’s hilarious. But not only in the way everyone thinks it is.

Naturally, people like Gawker’s Lead Boston-Trolling Corespondent Hamilton Nolan are having a good time piling on. The Boston Globe has fired back today as well. Boston-bashing is just good for business for everyone, partly because they jokes are so easy and predictable to make, but even more so, which sadly often ends up proving the point of the jokes themselves, the city’s residents can be very defensive about this sort of thing. It’s a traffic win win for everyone! Haters get to have their Boston-sport, and Massholes get to fire up the old underdog outrage machine. Here’s the space where you’d typically find an expression of self-deluded anger typed out in all caps affecting a bad Boston accent.

Granted, the story, which pokes fun at Boston’s relatively smaller stature as compared to New York City, is pretty dead on in its jabs at my hometown:

Read the rest at Bullett. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Why We'll All Try to See Justin Timberlake at SXSW, and Why That's Completely Wrong



I remember one of the most exciting moments from last year's SXSW. I was walking out of my hotel and I heard the familiar strains of an iconic bassline rumbling across the avenue toward me like the vapor trail of a picnic beckoning to a cartoon wolf. "Wait, is that... Snoop Dogg?" I thought. Bad ass! I walked over to the edge of the outdoor venue, the Cheeze Crisp Boner Water Experience Tent Hut, stood outside the fence, and bobbed my head in time. "Maybe I should try to get in?" I thought. " Who do I know in marketing at Boner Water?" 

Similar scenarios transpired that night throughout Austin, with everyone from Bruce Fucking Springsteen, to 50 Cent and Eminem, and Lil Wayne anchoring the festival's big name slots. Kanye even made an appearance, although that's probably not so surprising given the sheer number of cameras and microphones on hand. He probably went to sleep the night before and ego-auto-piloted all the way to Texas without even knowing it. 

Naturally, the venue was packed for Snoop, and you could feel the excitement in the air. After a song or so, something about it started to feel dirty, like an abnegation of professional responsibility. I said, screw it, and promptly got the hell out of there. I moved along on my way to go stand in a succession of empty bars to watch bands I'd never heard of, and wouldn't end up remembering anyway, play to nobody. And you know what? It was awesome. That's what SXSW is supposed to be about. It's not, but it's supposed to be. 

Read the rest at the Village Voice

Friday, March 1, 2013

Interview Magazine Doesn't Even Pay Freelancers Their Embarrassing Rate



“As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.”- Andy Warhol

Last summer I started doing a few pieces here and there for Interview Magazine. I was pretty excited, because it's a high profile publication with a big following and a respected pedigree -- Andy Warhol! Handsome photos of Brad Pitt! Plus I got to write pieces on a few Boston bands that I enjoy, like , Bearstronaut, and Mean Creek. All of which I considered a counterbalance to their laughable pay rate of $25 per post, which, even by typically pitiful internet standards, is still way below average. Keep in mind, that's for pretty in depth, feature-length interviews, not just jerk-off blog content. Whatever, sometimes in the freelance game you take a pay cut for exposure to a new audience. At least they paid at all. Or so I thought. 

“It’s not what you are that counts, it’s what they think you are.”  - Andy Warhol
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