I used to write the intro and post Jake Zavracky's Billboard Top Ten pieces here at PTOTSL, but he seems to have the format down, so I just let him write them himself now, posing as me. Have I mentioned how charming and sexy he is? And his music is great, you can buy it here. Don't even bother listening to it first, just take my word for it and buy it immediately.
10. Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera - Feel This Moment
I wonder where Pitbull is from. If only he would tell us in every song he's ever recorded.
9. will.i.am feat. Britney Spears - "Scream and Shout"
Yet another ear fucking from the man who has mastered putting the lowest common denominator through an autotuner and the woman whose lasting fame should put to rest any doubts as to whether almost everyone is fucking stupid.
8. Pink "Just Give Me A Reason"
Oh goody gumdrops, another piano ballad enters the top ten this week. The timbres of Pink and Fun. vocalist Nate Ruess' powerhouse voices blend together nicely but like most of Pink's catalog, the song fails to surpass the meh threshold.
7. Taylor Swift "I Knew You Were Trouble"
It's a pretty well established fact that bumming smokes off a random stranger on the street in not cool. But I'd like to submit that asking for a light from a random stranger on the street is uncool as well. Everybody in your party has to stop and wait for the lighter borrower to awkwardly light the cigarette that he probably bummed from someone else. It's cold and windy. Buy a lighter, hippie. They cost a dollar.
6. Drake "Started From The Bottom"
I've noticed there seems to be this trend among modern vocalists toward sounding almost languid. To my ears, Drake pulls this off without being boring. I just wonder if there's going to be backlash against this type of thing, and whether that backlash means we'll inevitably going to have to listen to again.
5. Rihanna feat. Mikkey Ekko "Stay"
The concept of calling a song "Stay" and having a chorus that goes "I want you to staaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" (stay being one note) is pretty beat. How many times are we going to fall for this, America?
4. Justin Timberlake feat. Jay Z "Suit and Tie"
There's nothing quite so tiresome as listening to a rich person brag humorlessly about his expensive clothes and all the expensive things that he's able to afford to do. At least I think that's what Jay Z is talking about on this song, I can't really tell because I'm ancient, but I know enough to know that it's half-assed and extraneous. The rest of the song is cool.
3. Bruno Mars "When I Was Your Man"
It's kind of odd that somewhere along the line it was decided that the heart is the location from which love emanates. What if the person who decided that instead decided that it should be the kidneys? Would people sing about having pain in their kidneys, and say things like "my kidneys belong to you"?
2. Macklemore "Thrift Shop"
Sometime at the end of last year I recommended listening to this song because it's fun and it probably won't be around for very long. I am awesome at determining what the American public wants.
1. Baauer "Harlem Shake"
The long stay at #1 of "Harlem Shake" is due almost entirely to the decision to include the number of YouTube views in the criteria of what Billboard considers a hit, and very little to do with the song itself. Billboard should reverse that decision, because this song has immediately demonstrated a gaping flaw in their logic. People aren't watching "Harlem Shake" videos to hear the song, they're watching it to see drones do the same dance that other drones are doing. While music videos have always essentially been commercials for a song, now the commercial itself is a determining factor.
--JAKE ZAVRACKY
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1 comment:
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Perhaps there is a way you can remove me from that service?
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