Saturday, July 31, 2010

Cutters

Look, I liked The Promise Ring as much as the next ~~guy~~ girl when I was a teenager, but this whole emo cutting thing is starting to get out of control.

Leaping Barracuda Gashes Teenage Girl's Arm

Koral Wira, 14, was fishing with her parents and a friend near Venice, Fla., when a barracuda went for her dad's bait and ended up biting her instead. Her dad, Rob Parker, submitted these photos and Wira told the story. via

PS: Koral Wira? Kind of sounds like the name of a girl Mel Gibson should be punching in the commie implants, not some middle-school kid from Florida.

Friday, July 30, 2010

I don't want to fuck your kid

Sorry about that. Didn't mean to succumb to child-rearing instincts hard-wired in my brain after millions of years of evolution* and violate your trust circle or whatever by walking within ten thousand feet of your kids.

I further apologize for saying hello to your boys throwing the ball around and goofing off out in the yard. Obviously I should have remembered that 99% of adults are just dying to get their perverted pervert hands on your child and whisk them away to pervert town.

I hereby promise to refrain from any sort of human emotions and will return to my previous inclination which was get those fucking brats away from me.

* Just kidding, evolution is a liberal conspiracy

Being Sick (Part 24)

I'm not a doctor, but I am a condescending big shot who likes to tell everyone what to do, and it usually takes about three to eight weeks to get me on the phone, so I think that's close enough. So here is my sound medical advice based on three weeks of arduous peer-reviewed study: when you're sick (which you aren't, because being sick is a fake excuse boring people use that really means "I want to stay on the couch and catch up on my programs," except this time maybe you really are, although no one wants to hear you talk about it anyway) it's probably a good idea to lay off the going out every night like you're a 22 year old liberal arts grad who just moved to a seven bedroom flop house in Allston. Also, trying to teach your stuffed up sinuses and lungs a lesson by extra smoking doesn't really help either.

There. Now we're all healthy again. Send my office your $500 co-pay promptly, thanks in advance. These fake medical school loans aren't going to pay themselves off.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Watching a movie more than once

Nice try pal, but everyone knows that while Kashyyyk, the Wookie home world, is a tree-covered planet, the massive wroshyr trees are hardly conducive to the species of squirrel represented here, never mind capable of supporting an entire population of animals of that size. Frankly, I find the entire premise implausible and reductive.

img

WHAT THE FUCK DOES A SMALL CITY COP DO ALL DAY?

One of my friends is a cop. For reasons that are probably easily surmised, we don’t hang out much anymore. He’s actually a really sweet guy — or he was last time I saw him like two years ago when we sat next to each other at our other friends’ wedding and I was worried he was gonna figure out I was fucked up the entire time.

SBTVC: So, dude, what the fuck do you even do all day?

SMALL CITY COP: What the fuck do I do all day? Short answer is, I am 5-oh, the fuzz, a cop, you know, the Po-lice. Long answer: My day starts at midnight and I work till 8 A.M.. I drive a Crown Vic Interceptor, carry a Sig Sauer, P226 DAK, wear a bulletproof vest, slap cuffs on people, and manage everything from fender benders to major crime scenes. I have to always be aware of my surroundings and am just as fearful of getting sued as I am of getting shot.

My shift starts with a stop at a Dunkin Donuts, then I make rounds through neighborhoods, shopping plazas and industrial parks hunting for criminals, drunk drivers, and vagrants. At about 3 A.M., I find a nice quiet place to settle in and read a book or work on reports, waiting for the radio to send me on a call. At about 5:30 I start rolling again. This time I am looking for traffic offenders. I sit at several different locations either running radar on a speed trap or watching school buses pick up children. Sometimes I swing through the train station lot and eyeball the hot chicks walking to the commuter rail. Spring is the best. I always see at least one girl wearing a blouse or T-shirt on a day when she should have paired it with a jacket. Hard nips and side boob are two of my favorite things.

You ever seen something you will never be able to un-see? How often do you want to puke your fucking guts out?

I’ve seen some pretty fucked up shit. I have seen grown men cry like babies and poop their pants. I’ve seen 2-year-olds walking by themselves on the sidewalk, in their diaper, in the winter. I’ve seen brains, blood, and death at car crashes, all kinds of drugs and drug paraphernalia, fights, car wrecks, hangings, and even a woman slice open her stomach in front of me. But the weirdest shit I have seen has to be when I walked into this shit-hole triple-decker apartment, I mean a real shit-hole that houses druggies.

No way.

This shit-hole is such a shit-hole that your feet stick to the floor, you step around garbage and over old blood stains when you enter. I had to go to the second floor to break up a fight. When I walked into one of the bedrooms to interview one of the participants, I found a fucked up looking red-headed dirt-bag female in her 40s fingering herself and watching porn while holding a hand towel on her forehead that was covering a gaping flesh wound. She had been hit over the head by her boyfriend/pimp/roommate for God knows what, but refused to press charges and refused to stop pleasuring herself.

Yikes. Am I the only one kind of turned on right now? So how do you work up the will to get out of bed every day knowing you have to go to work? Or do you actually look forward to it?

Despite all that, I look forward to going to work every day. I like knowing that I am helping someone, in some way, every day, just by going to work. Even doing nothing all day amounts to some protection for someone. I can slow traffic just by parking at an intersection, and save lives by taking drunks off the road. Last year I won the MADD award from Moms Against Drunk Driving, and that was justification enough.

How awful are the people you deal with every day?

I tell people I come in contact with that there are only two types of people out after midnight: cops and assholes. Generally, in my city, that is true. If I am talking to you after midnight and before 5 A.M., it’s because you are an asshole, or you were put in a position to call me because of an asshole. Of course, not everyone out after midnight is an asshole, but most of the people I talk to are. No one respects the police, and generally, when I get called to a scene, 50% of the people involved don’t want me there.

I’m pretty sure 90% of people anywhere at any hour are assholes. Good point though. So what’s something about your job that no one really knows that you think people would give a shit about?

We don’t have quotas and aren’t out to get you. I try to treat people with as much respect as is given to me, and I’d rather write you a warning than a citation. Your attitude and your choices determine my response. Treat me with respect, remain apologetic and polite, and you are all set.

SBTVC

Seriously, just shake my hand properly

I have really been trying to live by the old List rule about shaking everyone's hand, including women, when you walk into a room of people you know. You remember it, right? It was about black magic vaginas and Moses and Walmart, (otherwise known as the Bible Belt trifecta.) The only problem is, so many of you out there with your delicate lady-skeletons aren't holding up your end of the bargain. Remember what we said about dead fish handshakes?

So just as a friendly reminder, a head's up you might say if you were a db, here is how this thing works. I walk near you, my face points at your face, we extend arm bones (to let one another know we aren't holding a battle axe or a crossbow or whatever this shit was invented to convey), we grasp hands firmly utilizing the full fleshy portion of the hand-meat, shake once, then don't talk to each other for the rest of the night. Deal? THANKS IN ADVANCE.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Internet Privacy

Political inclinations can pretty much tell you everything you want to know about a person ahead of time. That's why when someone says something douchey conservative I call in for a chopper evac and ghost out of that dude's face real quick. I've been efficiently alerted we have nothing in common and that you're an aggressive, selfish baby who loves his lost tax money more than actual people, so let's just cancel this episode before the ratings go south, k? Talking brown about politics in someone's face is the verbal equivalent of walking down the street with a clipboard asking people questions about trees or whatever, or riding a bike on the sidewalk towing a cart full of recyclables and sleeping bags. All you can do when you see that shit is cross the street and hope you don't make eye contact. Get out of this dude's verbal blast zone stat.

More telling, political inclinations can be useful in predicting what people are actually scared of. That's why people who don't pay attention to politics and don't vote are so bad-ass: they aren't scared of shit. Being politically apathetic is like slapping a neon No Fear sticker on the back of your pick up truck in the nineties. Except the truck is your face. It's like getting a tattoo of Calvin and Hobbes pissing on some retarded city's sports logo, or more currently, like wearing one of those skin tight gothic tiger print in space t-shirts MMA fans are so fond of. It basically alerts everyone around you that you. just. don't. give. a. fuck.

But people who are into politics, they are specifically scared of certain things. For example, conservatives are scared of brown people, both of the terrorist and dish washing persuasion. Figuring out which is which, and the appropriate threat level response is hard for these dudes. Mostly because they don't actually know any brown people, but also because one group they want to banish from the face of the earth, and the other they just want to banish to the back of the kitchen. Conservatives are also scared that Obama wants to steal their guns and of the government getting too big. Paradoxically they want the biggest part of the government to be the ones with the missiles and the planes and the tanks. Conservatives aren't a very logical sort. Unless by logic you mean venal and spiteful and aggressive, which you don't because that would be sort of weird of you to mean that.

The big thing liberals (aka teenagers and people who still act like them online) are scared of these days is some corporation like Facebook stealing their privacy. Why? No one knows why, that's why. They're afraid that their computer habits are being collated into a dossier in some insidious computer terminal somewhere where evil advertisers twiddle their metaphoric mustaches. And they're right, this is obviously happening, but I don't understand why figuring out what advertisements to show me more efficiently constitutes some scary Orwellian future scenario. IN THE FUTURE BIG BROTHER KNOWS YOU LIKE "30 ROCK"!

How are these dudes even worthwhile villains? It's not like they're keeping a file on what type and how often I watch porn, right? Seriously they aren't doing that are they? Because yikes.

I can barely get worked up about stolen elections and illegal wars and the criminalization of vast swaths of our population through racial profiling laws what with all the celebrity gossip and hamburgers and illegal drugs I've got on my schedule for today and now I'm supposed to join some Apple fanboys in protest over more specifically targeted advertising?

How is a company knowing that I like to watch Lost and read books by Dennis Lehane and look for Indian restaurants or whatever an invasion of privacy? What can they do with that besides suggest other things that I like in a format (advertisements) that I ignore 95% of the time anyway?

If they were putting people who view left-leaning political blogs on a list and sharing that information with local law enforcement or something, then yes, yes that is very very bad. I don't think that is what this is. If they were putting people who write parodies of food bloggers on some sort of list somewhere and planning to send them to a concentration camp for reeducation into a perverted ice cream fetish cult, then sure, I'd protest that. Probably. Depends on, you know... nnhh.

But all they're actually trying to do is figure out how many times you pressed the like button on your buddy's Nickleback Facbeook group so they can let you know when the new album comes out. That's nothing to be scared of. Well, not until you hear the album anyway.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Jesus Wrote the Declaration of Independence

Making fun of conservative art is kind of like shooting retarded fish in a retarded barrel, but I don't think I've ever seen anything that so comprehensively captures the experience of being completely clueless about everything that has ever happened ever. I am literally in awe of this painting's majesty, and no I'm not talking about the hippie cosplay dude ignoring that kid in the middle.

So, obviously, Jesus wrote the rules of America and Abe Lincoln and an astronaut and Kevin Spacey were all there. Everyone agrees on that. What you may not have known, if you look a little closer here on the bottom right, is that pregnant sluts, jew lawyers, the liberal media, pointy headed professors with their fancy science-y books and, what, Jeff Bridges in a blazer I guess, are all bros with Satan.

This shit is a little internet old, but true art is timeless, right? Here's where my man explains the whole thing, complete with captions for each figure, like the Civil War soldier with his hands over his face. Why? "Because that was the only war in American history where American fought against American and brother fought against brother. Hopefully it will never happen again." Unless the liberals try to steal our machine guns he probably meant to add. So, go check it out. Meet you back here in ten years when you recover.

Protesting the Ground Zero Mosque

Joshua Hagler

No offense to freedom, and some stock broker your cousin had beers with once, but you people are a bunch of fucking pussies.

"A mosque is about to be erected on the hallowed acreage of lower Manhattan's Ground Zero. Where we Americans weep, they rejoice and intend to erect a shrine to the 9/11 terrorists they hail as martyrs. This offense cannot stand."

First of all, no it's not. It's a couple blocks away from GROUND ZERO. How far would be ok, incidentally? Would it be ok to build a mosque, say, in Staten Island? No one really considers that New York anyway.

Second of all, no we don't. Have you ever met any of these people who are still up in arms all the time about 9/11? How many of them have ever even been to New York, never mind gone there to weep as an American?

"Hallowed acreage"? Wait, isn't New York City also the heathen capital of the world? Den of sin and iniquity and community faggot abortion organizers? Second of all part two, does every church we erect (heh heh) count as a shrine to giving little kids Jesus wine until they're sleepy and tricking them into making their boy robes sticky with your bible beard?

Good video though, dudes. I'm not really sure what splicing in footage from that Annual Gathering of the Jugalos infomercial around the :19 mark has to do with anything though. If you were trying to scare me into reactionary stupidity, you might as well have just superimposed the words "kill all sand niggers" over this classic and called it a day.

Four Square

Hey, get me, I'm the mayor of Who Gives a Shit? and I just checked in to Your Fucking Face with another inane social media application.

Good news for budding serial rapists, nineteen year old narcissists and people waiting for that 90s retro faze to finally kick in though: they just sold this internet company with absolutely zero potential to ever make anyone a single dime for $100 million dollars. I'm gonna go check my head into a wood chipper. brb.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Lungs

Getting sick is for bourgeois poseurs, but even worse than that is when you summon up some ghost of cigarettes past lung boogers that you have to roll around in your mouth like tobacco flavored cum before spitting. The inside of my lungs must look like the caves from that movie The Descent by now, except there's no hot British chicks in there. As far as I know.

Kings of Leon

Kings Of Leon Pooped On By Pigeon, Concert Forced To End After Just 3 Songs

The popular and Grammy award-winning band Kings of Leon were forced to end a concert in St. Louis last night after playing just three songs because a pigeon pooped into bassist Jared Followill's mouth.

A spokesman for the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater told the crowd the show would not be able continue due to fears for the band's safety.

Drummer Nathan Followill also apologized to fans on Twitter:

"So sorry St. Louis. We had to bail," he wrote, explaining that the show was stopped because a pigeon had defecated in Jared Followill's mouth. "Too unsanitary to continue," he added. via

Dudes, if I had known all I'd have to do to get these phonies to stop playing "Use Somebody" was take a shit in this kid's mouth I would have been hovering in the rafters with my pants down a year ago. Also, rock and roll is dead etczzzzz.

Skinny Broads

That whole "someone get her a sandwich" thing is for jealous fatties. I don't want to sound homophobic or whatever here, but this shit is kind of giving me a boner.

img

Saturday, July 24, 2010

No thanks, I get enough fish smell at home

Dear useless cunts taking your every day all day walk of shame public,

Why the fuck do you think it's OK to go out in a pair of pajama bottoms? I mean if you're just getting the mail or taking the kid to daycare or whatever, OK...sort of OK I guess. I mean you just got up and you are in a rush to dump the mewling before you go to work and whatever, I get it.

But once you leave the boundary of quick necessity and decide to wave your thinly veiled stankhole at the general public like it ain't no thang, I dunno, terrorists have won? Look at you, you disgusting lazy pig. The pjs, The Holy Cross t-shirt and fucking flip flops. You are in a food market and the baked goods aisle smells like the fish aisle now. Oh, and here comes the hubby wearing a pair of FUCKING SWEATPANTS? COME ON you assholes I can smell her pussy and I can see his cock. Let's give it up for people who are total losers who can't button a button, tie a shoelace or zip a zipper. Burn in fake hell you sacks of shit.

Sincerely,

The Rest Of Us

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I had the worst day ever you guys

And then when I was waiting for the bus it started to rain. I mean, like, rain pretty hard. I got totally soaked.

It was the worst day ever. To top it all off I got a lot drunker than I should have last night, then I had to get up at like 9 this morning. Fuck me.

Then I had two of my editors calling me looking for photos they needed for these two stories and I'm like come on dudes! Cut me some slack for five minutes. No such luck. I had to try to get that shit done on the fly on my cell phone, which is so annoying. Then when I was at the restaurant I work at I had these two tables that wanted to sit by the window, but they were cold because the AC vent is right there.

I offered to move them to a different area away from the AC, but they were like, "No, we want to sit here." So basically they were thinking "Screw everyone else in this 90 degree and 100% humidity shit hole, we want what we want." Such an awful night. Totally put me in a bad mood.

imgs

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Wait, it's possible to get sex without lying? How does that work now?

Arab man who posed as Jew to seduce woman convicted of rape

Sabbar Kashur, 30, was found guilty of rape by deception and sentenced to 18 months in prison.

An Arab resident of Jerusalem who had consensual sex with a woman who believed him to be Jewish, was convicted yesterday of rape by deception and sentenced to 18 months in prison by the Jerusalem District Court.

Read the rest of the story here. If this shit catches on in America, consider yourself fucked, pal. Actually, the opposite of that.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Pro Life

I don't want to bum everyone out or anything, but I literally saw a guy looking in the coin slot of a pay phone today just in case the imaginary person who actually uses the last pay phone on earth left some imaginary change behind. That's like still being poor on vinyl.

Why are we stupid?

Happy Bastille Day everyone. Oh, that reminds me...

Bastille Day

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

For the song by Rush, see Bastille Day (song).

Weltschmerz

I just thought about a guy who shaves his stupid face every day and holds his beer bottle up to the camera when he's getting his picture taken attempting to use a semicolon in an email with his new tan girlfriend and now I miss my mom. Does that make me a fag?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Write Your Own Fucking Jokes Deadbeat

I've had this picture saved on my desktop for like two weeks now and I keep waiting for g0d to bless me with the strength to make words happen, but freedom aint free pal, and neither is lunch, g0d once told me. Unless you're a fucking bear in Russia eating the shit out of some salmon at a fish bukkake.

Haha. Slow down little fellow! You can't eat all of the fish!

Interestingly enough, or maybe the exact opposite of that, my spell check is suggesting the words Bukharin and Bukhara as potential corrections for bukkake. Bukkake Bukkake Bukkake (I need the page views.) The first refers to Nikolai Ivanovich Bukharin. Nikolai Ivanovich Bukharin. (I'll take those page views too, I'm not a bigot). He was a famed Bolshevik revolutionary who was later fucked in the ass by his boy Stalin, and executed in a ridiculous show trial during the purges on the 1930s.

So...that kind of blows. His life did inspire a book I just read though, which I only mention so that you know that I'm a serious thinker.

Bukhara is the name of a city in Uzbekistan, which, I don't know dude, you're on your own with that one.

bear pictures via

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Eating Lunch At Your Desk

Since I'm not qualified for any jobs other than folksy observational humorist on the internet (penis jokes) and underwear model, I haven't worked in an office in like ten years. So it's a little hard for me to relate to this bit. First of all, people still eat lunch? That is so cute! Anyhoooo, friend of the List debbiedavissq is fucking pissed at you guys, so that's good enough for me.

Quoth deborah:

Hey you, over there, shoveling that microwaved lean cuisine “food” into your face. You can’t take a ten minute break to eat your lunch away from your desk? Oh I get it, you are way busier than the rest of us. Us lazies need a few minutes to think about something other than how our jobs are crushing our souls. I know you are passionate about what you do, but guess what, your job is entering numbers into a spreadsheet and discovering the eccentricities that exist within Microsoft Office. It won’t kill ya to take a knee for moment.

I get it, you want the boss to think that you are the hardest working SOB ever to step foot into this special office space. You think that if you look like you are working the hardest it will be you who receives that long awaited promotion. Well you know what? It can be a little difficult to taste, chew and swallow while typing away on your computer. I have tried it, and now there are crumbs all over the place. Don’t you know that a messy cube leads to less productivity? I read that on the internet during one of my ten hourly breaks. So clean that mess up dude and get outside for five minutes, you are actually fucking yourself (and not in the good way).

Monday, July 5, 2010

This air conditioner I just installed today

This piece of shit designed to cool off a baby sized coffin or what? How many BTUs does this thing get? I dunno, how many BTUs does a townie grandma with an oxygen tank pushing a car up a hill get? Right around that. Give or take a few BTUs.

BTUs.

Not sure if this thousand pound appliance I just destroyed my back carrying upstairs was meant to cool the room or just paint the air a cold scented shade of brown medicine. I knew I should have read the instruction manual.

Speaking of what the fuck, I just found this picture looking around for images of air conditioners online, which isn't a weird thing to do. Tell me this: Why does the Indian guy always have to be pollen man? That shit is racist. I think I saw these guys play at Coachella last year by the way.

Checkout Dividers

Oh hi guys! Here's something you would never say to someone in a million years:

"Get your fucking dirty groceries away from mine, pervert. Your frozen green beans are brushing up against my box of Triscuits."

That would be weird, right? Except, woops! You say this every time you go shopping.

Put that fucking thing away. I think somehow we're gonna be able to keep our shit sorted as long as we all concentrate really hard for the four minutes this transaction is going to take.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Cigar Time with the Bros

Got a bachelor party for my TB4L this weekend. Probably be some of this going on.

Hoooboy! A novelty sized, dirt-flavored cigarette that I can't even inhale but still gives me cancer anyway? I'm in.

What a phoney bonding ritual. No one even enjoys it, and yet here we are going through the motions at a bachelor party or poker game or whatever it is regular dudes do. (I wouldn't really know. Not because I'm too good for that shit, I just don't have any friends.)

You've never seen so many people standing around pretending to enjoy something. Not unless you spend a lot of time in art galleries. It's the epitome of obligatory bonding. Let's just punch each other in the nuts, call each other fags, and go back inside where the tv and food is if it's all the same to you guys, ok?

Pages