Today Boston writer Karyn Polewaczyk confronts one of the most pressing issues facing the modern woman: Why are all these motherfuckers hitting on me when I look like ass? Read more from her here. This piece has now been cross-posted at Jezebel.
"Oh, she may be weary. Young girls, they do get weary, wearing that same, old, shaggy dress."
Yes, ladies; we can practically hear as we trudge home from the office/gym/Whole Foods. Maybe we’ve just had a rough day putting in our dues as citizens of one of the wealthiest countries in the world, or maybe we couldn’t have been bothered to pull together an outfit that went a step beyond leggings—the ones with with the hole in the crotch—and an over-sized ‘Nantucket’ T-shirt, but we’re down and out, checked out, and are therefore invisible to the crowds surrounding our pity party, table for one.
Or so we think.
Just as we’ve stepped back onto the sidewalk—Mother Nature’s runway—and shifted our reusable grocery sacks to better balance the stunted Macintosh apples that sit inside, a James Brown lookalike zips by in his Toyota Corolla and blesses your behind from the safety of his rusted chariot. His voice is a lilting screech, but we’re sure we’ve made out the words, ‘Girl, you is FIONE.’
FIONE. With an ‘O.’
We immediately think back to the night before, where we—some clad in tight jeans and high heels, others in free-flowing dresses and, perhaps, boots—looking fine (with an ‘I’), had engaged in witty banter, intellectual stimulation, and the crossing of legs that suggest, yes, we are interested, available, yearning; and yet!—no dice. No bites. The best compliment we received all evening, it seems, is that our cab driver didn’t put up a fight when we went to use our credit cards to pay for the solo cab ride home. We are not disheartened; we are merely confused. For what, we wonder, scratching our scalps with manicured fingernails, would compel men to find us attractive at our most wilted state, dead corsages left on the gymnasium floor while the prom queen is giving head in someone’s parents’ basement, and not at our most fresh, strategically scented with three-figure French perfume behind each pulse point?
The mathematics, I believe, are dizzyingly simple, where:
Dumpy, tattered clothing + skin cloaked in an adolescent cocktail of T-zone oil, sweat and 12-hour old bronzing powder + a general lackluster attitude = A female appears approachable to men who otherwise wouldn’t have a shot in hell,
-and-
A well-constructed, slightly sexy getup + skin enhanced by an expert application of department store cosmetics + general attentiveness = SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, I’m not looking to get married tomorrow, all right?
There are, of course, exceptions to these rules. For example, a man in a Garfield sweatshirt once told me to move my “fat fucking ass” out of his way while I calculated the cost of bulk toilet paper at Target (I had inadvertently blocked the Swiffer refills—my bad!), and I’ve been made the butt of countless behind-my-back jokes on the subway as those grocery sacks block both exits and cocks alike. Nor should I exclude the men who’ve pursued me at my preferred standard of prettiness and the ensuing, expensive weekends spent rendezvousing throughout the East Coast’s best restaurants, beaches and bedrooms, my face caressed and blanketed with kisses once I’ve confirmed for a second time that I’ll be sure to pick up the morning after pill on my way home like a good girl.
But so it goes. The world spins on. The plot, and gender gap, thickens. And on those walks home—in cocktail dresses crumpled into a states of disrepair, emergency contraception shoved deep into our purses, eye makeup blurred into fantasy landscapes that would turn Bob Ross green with envy—we’ll pass the jaunty men who kvetch in corners and leer as we make our way down the sidewalk once more. “Looking good, girl,” they say, giving us a once-over and a low whistle if the mood is right. “Looking good.”
Maybe this time, we won’t stereotype. Maybe this time, we’ll smile—politely—and keep on walking.
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59 comments:
Because they can tell that a girl that DGAF is DTF?
Well, what, with the hole in the crotch of the leggings and all!
Much better chance of a W if the other side are bring their C game and not their A
Well put Sean. Didn't think of it that way.
Those girls, dressed down are the equivilant of those basketball games at carnivals. Look easy but are rigged to fail. But hey dudes take your shot, maybe this time you will get the stuffed animal.
Or, maybe this time *they'll* be the one to the animal, no?
Ooof, if he knew ol' Karyn used the royal we, he might have kept driving. I hate to get all Street Carnage Commenter here, but this sucked. Not into this young lady's writing, at all. What I take away from it, and from her blog, is that Karyn knows she's attractive. And, she is, she's been recognized by STUFF in their Sexiest Singles of 2012 list (it's on her blog). But, listen, this is the internet, where we're all supposed to feel bad about ourselves, right? Except for dating/sex/whatever bloggers, it seems, who always seem to have through-the-roof self-esteem. I have to call bullshit here, though, because this is a pretty weak pretense for a hot chick to talk about how hot she is, which is actually fairly unattractive, except she's still pretty hot, if that makes sense.
You actually don't make any sense and sound like a rambling idiot, similar to those who stay home jerking off in a bowl of popcorn on a Friday night.
If a goil looks good when she's wearing her Snoopy sleeping t-shirt and stained leggings, you know she actually looks good and it's not just all smoke and mirrors trickery. Plus some people commenting on here might get turned on by grubby socks, I have no idea.
Does she have a great ass?
You see why we can't have ladies over you guys? Because no one knows how to act like a gentle-man.
I SAID DOES SHE HAVE A GREAT A$$
I'd hit it:
http://www.google.com/imgres?q=KARYN+POLEWACZYK&num=10&hl=en&safe=active&biw=1400&bih=931&as_qdr=all&tbm=isch&tbnid=WpwX2msq6c3OoM:&imgrefurl=http://lf.aforementionedproductions.com/&imgurl=http://lf.aforementionedproductions.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/readings_july2012-2.jpg&w=700&h=500&ei=0bs_UMGoNOGL7AGIkoG4Cw&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=213&sig=109856640867806704930&page=1&tbnh=134&tbnw=188&start=0&ndsp=37&ved=1t:429,r:4,s:0,i:88&tx=80&ty=86
You've probably jerked off to her mag picture already and now you pretend to bring her down with sour words of discomfort. Blame yourself for your absenteen sex life buddy.
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Somewhere betwixt Puerto Rican catcalls and outright rudeness there's an approach to gain a positive response from any sloppy broad in greasy sweatpants. In this case I'd say Miss Karyn, you dumb Polack, you're a natural beauty. Romance ensues, matching Garfield wedding outfits are worn, babies are made, and our love never dies.
Sometimes we guys are difficult to understand, of course. And then you wonder why we always have an online viagra site on the browser's bookmark list.
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