I spelunked into the bro-iest depths of the internet's man caves for you guys and came back with a report on how to be a misogynistic shit head. Let's all go have a learn, shall we?
I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but somewhere along the way, I picked up a following among this weird class of neo-conservative man-bloggers, blogging man-ily about important issues facing today’s put-upon manful men. Maybe the poor little fellas followed me home from a certain “hipster racist” site I used to write for? Regardless, I feel like I’ve been walking around with a piece of aggro-toilet paper stuck to my shoe from an innocuous political poop I don’t remember taking.
Being the innocent-until-proven-guilty sort, that means I tend to blindly follow-back the people who follow and re-tweet me and share my links and so forth—it’s just how my grandmother internet-raised me. As a result, I’m continually subjected to posts about the most important issue facing men on the internet today: how to be an alpha male. I had no idea this was such a pressing concern.
It’s hard to say exactly what it is that defines an alpha male, and being someone who couldn’t possibly care less whether or not my masculinity is validated by strangers online (I just want them to think I’m funny and skinny), I haven’t really given the matter much introspection. That’s cute, I’d think, ignoring the progression of post titles in my Twitter feed like Feminism: Contributing Factor to Obesity.
Being something of a masochist, I finally decided to dig into this sub-genre of reasoned cultural commentary to see what lessons, if any, we can discern about the contemporary male. There are so many sites like this, and they’re all interconnected, sharing each other’s bro-talk back and forth, over and over, in a never-ending bro-fisted Ouroboros. And because I want to unload some of the pressure on my brain, I now need to pass the pain of reading them onto you before I die of horror. It’s like that killer video tape from The Ring, but instead of a scared little ghost-girl crawling out of the TV, the villain here is a lonely bro dripping buffalo sauce onto his tits and taking his boner-frustration out on the rest of us.
Read the rest at Bullett.
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16 comments:
If you want to pile on the masochism, check out Chateau Heartiste--it's the most calculated, modern-reactionary misogyny I think I've ever seen.
Normally, I would add a sarcastic comment here about wanting to machine-gun a room full of shitbird fuckers like this, except that because people increasingly seem to do that sort of thing on the regular lately, it would be a bit gauche.
See below posts, and behold the intellectual power on display. Venture further if you dare.
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/04/23/do-conservatives-and-liberals-have-a-look/
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/chicks-dig-jerks-norwegian-terrorist-gets-love-letters-in-jail/
The most intellectually rigorous debate about what has led to the demise of bros, as it were, if you catch my drift, seems to be between The Feminists and The Bros.
Feminists contend that video games and porn have [emasculated] men whereas bros blame their downfall on women in the workplace. Without his job, what is a bro?
Semi-interestingly, both sides seem to yearn for the same thing: a Bro Renaissance. This may have occurred to you while reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
@anon: ok, i will but i don't want to.
@lukester: is that how you see it? hrm, i get that there's a common complaint about what video games nd porn have done to men, but not sure i understand it as having masculated men. maybe made them shittier boyfriends.. not sure.
That's not how I see it - I'm just trying to live, bro.
I put "emasculated" in brackets because I'm not sure if it's a word that feminists are fond of using. The general idea is that young would-be bros are hyper-masturbating lumps.
Don't you find it odd that feminists are pining for men of previous generations? Where have all the bros gone? :'(
(via Paula Coles)
Like it or not you're an alpha dog, Lukey. Dem arms, dat beard, your own boss, anal charisma, and on and on. Envy brings out hate and fans.
Lonely bro lubing with ranch dressing and a hot wing up my butt.
"One thing I’m pretty sure we can say right off the bat that is generally pretty damned alpha is having access to $150 bucks." That really made me laugh.
@anon: Luke is kind of like an alpha bro who's turned his back on bro-dom. Like the son of the owner of Baskin-Robbins, that guy who walked away from his creamy inheritance.
Hey, just read the bit dissing MMA fans! Admittedly a lot of meatheads like MMA, but a lot of fat douches like football, ya know? MMA isn't just bros with sick ink whaling on each other. Honest!
I guess, and I'm not saying this is me, if you're actually an "alpha" you don't really need to talk about it all the time, right?
I suppose I am a little harsh on MMA. I do love football, so maybe I'm a little racist here.
Exactly. And possibly the least alpha male thing I can think of would be to Google "how to be an alpha male". Or write a blog about it. I think if you care about being an alpha male, you almost certainly aren't one. Me? A happy lamda male or so.
related: https://putthatshitonthelist.com/2011/09/how-to-dress-punk-for-girls.html
Luke goes to bizarre lengths to disguise his MPB. I'm not sure how alpha this is...
Me neither man, me neither.
What is this MPB which Luke is jealously guarding? Median Penis Bandwidth? Maximum Press (Bench)? Murky Past - Brohood?
Ha. All of those thing. I think we're talking about the super top secret knowledge that I am losing my hair, which how would anyone be able to tell that from the 100s of pictures I post of myself online?
Dude, real lamda males keep it military. Grade 1 all over a few times a week and it doesn't matter if you're going b***. Plus you know why men go bald - because there's so much testosterone surging through your veins it's literally burning off all those faggy follicles.
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