PTSOTL: February 2010

Friday, February 26, 2010

Stone Age Legislating

Since the news is making it harder and harder to find anything funny anymore every day, I'm just gonna say fuck it and start posting more evidence of how ridiculous we've become. Let's face it, it's the end of the line for this country and we might as well go out with a laugh, or, you know, a brutalized grimace of horror. Same thing sometimes. Every time I read the news I end up making a face like that scared dead girl in the closet from The Ring. Only I'm not in a school girl outfit, so it's a little less hot.

If life was a video game we all would have accidentally hit the reset button a long time ago because we are obviously losing. Also we'd all have giant, hard man abs and a sword with a machine gun on the end.

Here's this thing:

Utah Has Now Made Miscarriage A Criminal Offense

Utah just became the first state in the U.S. to criminalize miscarriage and punish women for having or seeking an illegal abortion. Utah's "Criminal Miscarriage" law:

expands the definition of illegal abortion to include miscarriages
removes immunity protections for women who have or seek illegal abortions
treats women as presumptive criminals and leaves them open to criminal prosecution

But even among states that punish illegal abortions, this "Criminal Miscarriage" law is unique. It not only punishes individuals who perform illegal procedures; it punishes women.

Or, another way of stating their case: I suppose if these billions of sluts throughout history didn't want to get pregnant then they probably shouldn't have been dressed like that in front of Jesus all those trillions of times.

This should teach 'em.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

On the List Gentle-man of the Month

When the economy is in the shitter as it has been for years, and greedy pig fuck banks are foreclosing on the homes they gave out sketchy loans on in the first place, there are a few different ways to express your frustration. Crying in your basement so the kids don't see you, for example. Or maybe writing an angry post on the internet will teach them a lesson.

Asking for a restructuring of your loan might work too. That way the banks will have at least some money coming in instead of becoming the proud new owner of a vacant home that an absentee landlord won't keep in good shape, thereby completely devaluing the property that they won't be able to sell anyway since no one can afford it, and what's worse, no one even wants it anymore.

Another thing you can do when you're frustrated with "these rich fucks" and "this whole thing" is fly a plane into an IRS building. That would be the chicken-shit insanity of a deranged terrorist. Fuck that dude's tax-scamming face in hell.

Or, you could be like this fella here.

MOSCOW, Ohio, Feb. 23 (UPI) -- An Ohio man said he made good on his threat to tear down his home before allowing his bank to foreclose on the property.

Terry Hoskins of Moscow said RiverHills Bank refused a $170,000 offer to pay off the money owed on the $350,000 loan, with officials saying they could make more money from a foreclosure sale, so he gave the bank an ultimatum for the final fate of his house: "I'll tear it down before I let you take it," he said.

"When I see I owe $160,000 on a home valued at $350,000, and someone decides they want to take it -- no, I wasn't going to stand for that, so I took it down," Hoskins said.

Hoskins said he used a bulldozer two weeks ago to raze the home he built decades ago.

"As far as what the bank is going to get, I plan on giving them back what was on this hill exactly (as) it was," Hoskins said. "I brought it out of the ground and I plan on putting it back in the ground."

Spiteful? Perhaps. A bit rash? Sure. Complete and utter fucking awesomeness? That too. You sir, are a modern day Robin Hood, and the first recipient of the coveted On the List Gentle-man of the Month award. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Dick Cheney's Labored, Robot-Assisted Breathing Persists

Really going out on a limb with this one here aren't we?

Anyway, heart attack number five for the old boy. As part of out effort to bring you the freshest political insight here on the List, we offer this unique groundbreaking commentary on the former Vice President's health:

Is there anything worse than a war profiteer?

A child molester? No fucking chance. Someone who posts about Jersey Shore on Facebook? Nope. Serial killer cannibals? Small potatoes dude.

I suppose you could come up with something slightly worse. Like some hypothetical scenario in which a powerful government agent simultaneously pushed a country into two unnecessary wars, destroying hundreds of thousands of innocent lives, while having a vested financial interest in the war-making companies that he steered our money towards in that destructive effort. That might be worse. But that sounds too fanciful to be true. We wouldn't let anyone get away with that.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Glenn Beck is an Asshole

Hahaha, but seriously though, no he's not. Here's why: I don't watch his stupid fucking show. There. Now he doesn't exist. So, please, stop talking about him because it's making it harder for me to keep this fantastic idyllic world I'm living in believable.

Here's a list of some other things that I don't do:

listen to commercials on the radio.
talk to people when I go out in public.
cut off my own fucking head.

See how easy it is? Just pretend it doesn't exist and it won't bother you. It's like monsters when you're a kid. Or the idea of marriage and children and buying a house when you're a 32 year old Peter Pan of the internet.

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Winter Olympics

I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy for those millions of people out there who care about the Super G and Curling 49 other weeks of the year, because this Olympiad is right up their alley. Then again, I don’t know anyone who cares about those events the other 49 weeks of the year. Why care now?

One can point to outstanding feats of skill and appreciate the hard work that goes into exceeding in the Winter Games, but one could also point out that the Winter games are really a showcase of such a minimal percentage of people dealing with sports that the vast majority of humans on earth won’t even come close to playing, never mind exceeding in, for their entire lifetimes.

The Summer Games, now they are a collection of honest to goodness athletes. Running, jumping, shooting a ball through a hoop…games we all play, we all know, we all can put into context. These Winter athletes were raised on the slopes, raised in the rink, raised amongst the finest riches a Son-of-a-Chalet-Owner-In-Switzerland could enjoy. Usain Bolt…see where he grew up? See the track he trained on? Grass with lines. That’s it.

Check out Apolo Ohno’s story. Sure, mommy and daddy divorced and it was probably his fault and his parents don’t love him, which explains the motivation in him, but it sure didn’t hurt that daddy made up for that lack of love by signing him up for every organized sport known to man before and after school, paying for a super machine athlete at the age of 8.

Oh, and one more thing for those in love with the skill and artistry of the Olympics, does it make any sense, no matter how close the similarity in the sports, that Shaun White can be the best snowboarder and best X-game skater on the planet? Aren’t the Olympics all about the socially inept who have dedicated themselves to one sport, at the expense of a normal life? How could they have time to be the best at two sports? Not to mention burning all that paper on the reg.

Put the Winter Olympics on the list. Mostly because I can’t stand snowboarders and their stupid droopy pants, but also because I can’t stand watching people be convinced they are witnessing athletic achievement, when in reality they are watching a privileged minority tailor a comfy pair of knickers with deep pockets for NBC execs, and nothing more.

Beer Pong: Beyond Thunderdome

So after a night of drinking at Cambridge Common (on the List) this past Friday I was dragged to an afterparty (also on the List) in Watertown (yup) of all places. I started to walk towards the kitchen, as I've always been one of those spastics who thinks the room meant for cooking is the one to hang out in at parties (as opposed to the one designed for hanging out in). But to my dismay the kitchen was chock-a-block with guys wearing backwards visors (it's February) and cargo pants gathered around a table watching our nation's favourite college pastime go down. Fair enough, said I. After all the TV in the living room had Olympic curling on.

But now that I mention the living room, allow me get to the meat of this non-story:

"Heroes are made one cup at a time," the small print reads. On a wrinkled-up poster. In a cheap frame. The less said about the fact that it was the solitary item hanging on the wall of the apartment the better, perhaps.

So for the love of God put me on the list for being the kind of person who attends parties like this and takes sneaky cellphone pics to make fun of on the internet.

And for having my ass handed to me on the table by some pleb with a ponytail.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Bus Fights

Still having a hard time figuring out if you're racist or not? Check out this bloody bus fight video without any context about what the argument is over and decide if you're rooting for one of the guys to win. Case closed!

Normally we don't advocate violence around here on the List, but this shit is pretty compelling. There are a couple of good lessons we can all take from it as well:

Don't say shit to anyone. Ever.
Don't look at anyone either just to be safe.
Don't mess with bearded Nam vet types who casually drop the word China-man, no matter how old they are, regardless of whether or not they're wearing fanny packs and short shorts.
Don't ride the bus.
Chicks in purple leggings are pretty cute.

Probably a good idea to stay away from the comments under the video on You Tube as well if you want to avoid catching a case of the stupid. That shit is like some Civil War era message board action. Just wow.

You Tube is a lot like the crowded city bus line of the internet in a way. Good idea in theory but ends up being more trouble than it's worth, everyone on it smells like perfume and McDonalds and some paranoid asshole is always ranting about the government.

Oof, this whole thing. Contemporary American discourse innit? This internet experiment is really bringing us all together nicely though. Breaking down boundaries, if you will.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Beer Pong

So I was just paging through Maxim, having what I like to call a little Luke time -- So what? where else am I gonna find homo-erotically charged side boob airbrushing, wacky listicles and true crime stories rejected by GQ? -- when I came across something called the World Series of Beer Pong. So. Now we know that this exists.

Apparently it's a big deal competition held in Vegas. Come on dudes. Have we learned nothing from air guitar, Texas Hold 'Em and gang bangs? Once they start making that shit official with judges and tv cameras and what not it sucks absolutely all the fun out. Such a shame. Not really in this case though, because like most other people who aren't fucking morons I have never once played this ridiculous game in my life.

"For the next three days," it reads, "486 teams from 43 states and eight countries will compete for a $50,000 title and, more important, bragging-rights as the best beer pong team in the world." Which, by the way, if that sounds like something you might ever see yourself taking any sort of pride in, get the fuck off my website right now.

There are a lot of reasons I've never played this game. Too many to list really, but I'd say it mostly has to do with having a modicum of self esteem, also not being the type of person who gets stoked about the idea of competitive drinking or one who has ever given a high five over a story about blacking out. And I had no friends in college, but that's a whole other thing.

"Depending on which surveys you read, anywhere from 50 to 80 percent of American college students play the game regularly. Bars from Ann Arbor (List) to Austin (List) are swapping billiards and dartboards for beer pong tables. Jimmy Fallon does beer pong bits on his show..."

Look, I don't ask for much God, but if there is any way you could fire a cruise missle into the middle of this pile of cargo shorts and beer sponge baseball caps next year, I'd be eternally thankful.

Actually, hold that thought. A tragedy like that would probably wipe out 85% of the country's dudes currently living life On the List and then where would that leave me? With nothing to complain about I suppose. Christ, that sounds miserable.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine's Day

It's easy and fun to hate on holidays, and we do a lot of that around here at List HQ. But the only thing worse than going totally balls deep into any given holiday -- elaborate hand made Halloween costumes, Christmas lights all over your house, honoring Abe Lincoln's birthday just a little bit too earnestly -- is hating them too much. No one likes that dude.

Fuck Valentine's Day, you say? Well I must say, old sport, you certainly have a roguish charm and a devil may care attitude. That brand of intellectualism must surely compel legions of like-minded suitors to desire an audience with your cynical penis and/or vagina.

No one is saying you should make a big deal about Valentine's Day. But here's what you should do if you're in a relationship: something. Literally anything. Check this out: someone else in the world decided that they can tolerate your brand of douchehood. How rare is that? There are millions of people right now sitting at home who have no idea why they can't cuddle with someone in bed at night (they're fat). You're one of the lucky ones. Go let that insane broad or dude who eats next to you every night while you talk about how your day at work was for ten minutes before going back to watching TV know that you realize that.

In a related story, it was just about eight years ago today that a beautiful, intelligent, funny young woman witnessed my specific style of smarmy egotism and disinterested misanthropy and thought to herself "Yeah, I'm on board with that." Scientists have been trying to figure that one out for years now. We may never really know the answer, but one thing is sure, I wouldn't be here today writing the same joke over and over again three to four times a week if it weren't for her.* Love you buddy.

*(Because I've been stealing all her writing ideas this whole time.)

Fashion

Kind of tough to work out the precise balance of hatred it's acceptable to feel for an image like this one from New York Fashion Week. On the one hand you definitely want girls to know that you've spent a lot of time in New York City and that you DVR Project Runway, but on the other hand the longer you look at it the more you want crash a helicopter into your computer screen.

Here's a handy little quiz you can take to determine precisely what level asshole you are.

HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN YOU IDENTITY IN THIS PHOTO:

0 - Liar
1 - Circling the asshole drain
2 - You, sir or madame, follow pop culture at precisely the correct level. Congratulations. Go fuck yourself.
3 - Gawker Starred Commenter Level Douche
4 - It's the year 2010 dude, it's ok to come out. No one cares about that shit any more
5 - Kill yourself.
All of Them - Kill yourself, but first sign me on for one of those jobs where you hold a mirror in front of a fashion model's emaciated boobs first please. Thanks in advance.

Side note: So Sean Lennon has been banging a genie this whole time! That explains an awful lot.

Hating TV (Part 5)

And you thought you were hard core because you "Barely ever watch tv except for the Daily Show and Top Chef." My man here shows just how to take that exercise in cultural criticism you call your life to the next fucking level. Your move, hippies.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How excited would you be if like every time someone made small talk to you about the weather or their wacky day at the office in person they first said it normally, then sung it, then wrote it in a note and put it in your face, and then said it in sign language? But then one day they totally took it to the next level and decided to start whispering the exact same hard-hitting news in your ear all soft-like in addition to all of that just to mix things up? That would be sweet. For variety, you know?

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Charade of Life

In case you missed it Rahm Emanuel, the President's chief of staff, got into some hot water for calling some liberal group's plans to run ads against some Democratic lawmakers "fucking retarded." Point to Rahm, there.

Always looking to make everything about herself, Sarah Palin, America's only fame-crazed snowbilly grifter immediately called for the President to fire him. The story goes on from here predictably. Rahm makes public apology, joins Special Olympics campaign to stop the use of -- I shit you not here -- "the R word." This is it. This is where we are as a country. This whole entire made up stupid thing and people are scratching their heads thinking "Hmmm, why is everything such a fucking disaster?"

I guess using the word "retarded" is probably insensitive, especially to the type of person who has a retarded child that they use as a political prop in order to rile up their right to life base, but this is Boston, damnit. Moreover, this is America. My draft-dodging dad and his hippie friends did not watch their buddies not die face down in the mud so this strumpet -- this whore -- can go out all over town demanding people stop saying the word "retard" because she had a birth defected child (which tends to happen when you get knocked up at 46).

Can you imagine a world without "retard"? How many times have you heard Artie Lange say the phrase "Ayyyy Re-Taaahhhdd?" How many times have you told Sully or Fitz to stop being a fucking tahd, kid? From birth through last week, we've all bandied the word about with reckless abandon. If you were born in the area code 508, you should be allowed to say retard and so should everybody else.

I guess this is about two things really: giving up our honored traditions as citizens of Massachusetts and pretending you're sorry when you're not. What a crock of shit. I hope the stock market tanks because of this.

**Put getting that tattoo on the List. OOOF. What a fucking retard.

Monday, February 1, 2010

3D

I'm pretty much the last dude in the universe to go see Avatar at this point, but I finally got my shit together for a brief three hour window yesterday so I could go watch space dragons fight helicopters. Took me long enough, right? I would have gone sooner but I've been busy uploading music into my iPod, which I guess is like a portable storage device for cds.

I liked it well enough I suppose. But you know what really pushed this thing over the edge? The one scene where the bushes looked an inch or two closer than they normally would have thanks to the wonders of 3D technology. I probably would have appreciated it more though if wearing those goggles hadn't give me a brain hemorrhage. And eye herpes. Do they wash those things? Also, is the entire screen supposed to be pitch black when you're wearing them?

But, yeah, the spear pointed at me that one time like it was coming right out of the screen! I was so startled I jumped in my seat. The dude eating from a crinkly bag of candy for three hours straight behind me actually stopped gorging his fat maw for ten seconds. Everyone's head and eyes hurt!

Look here, Hollywood, if I wanted to get a massive splitting headache from looking at a bush in my face all day I'd watch one of the president's news conferences! Haha, good one Luke. Wait a second, they've got a new president now? Goddammit I am behind.

We can already see the action happening on the screen just fine, thanks. "But it's like surround sound for your face!" No, it's more like makeup on a corpse. No one thinks it looks more life-like and it's making your mom cry. A few bugs floating outward in the corner of the image isn't going to trick me into thinking I'm actually there. That's what ripping a tube in the parking lot before hand is for.

Turns out there's going to be all sorts of 3D movies coming out over the course of the next year, which is great news for people who like paying $15 dollars for two hours of people poking shit in your face. I'm normally the one who gets paid for letting other people do that. Haha, still got it buddy!

Let's just cut this shit right out before it gets out of hand, ok? They've already got a 3D entertainment system going that works pretty good right now, and we don't need another. It's called everything, every day, everywhere. Best part? It's free. I'm still gonna have to charge you for the face poking thing though just so we're clear.

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