It's easy and fun to hate on holidays, and we do a lot of that around here at List HQ. But the only thing worse than going totally balls deep into any given holiday -- elaborate hand made Halloween costumes, Christmas lights all over your house, honoring Abe Lincoln's birthday just a little bit too earnestly -- is hating them too much. No one likes that dude.
Fuck Valentine's Day, you say? Well I must say, old sport, you certainly have a roguish charm and a devil may care attitude. That brand of intellectualism must surely compel legions of like-minded suitors to desire an audience with your cynical penis and/or vagina.
No one is saying you should make a big deal about Valentine's Day. But here's what you should do if you're in a relationship: something. Literally anything. Check this out: someone else in the world decided that they can tolerate your brand of douchehood. How rare is that? There are millions of people right now sitting at home who have no idea why they can't cuddle with someone in bed at night (they're fat). You're one of the lucky ones. Go let that insane broad or dude who eats next to you every night while you talk about how your day at work was for ten minutes before going back to watching TV know that you realize that.
In a related story, it was just about eight years ago today that a beautiful, intelligent, funny young woman witnessed my specific style of smarmy egotism and disinterested misanthropy and thought to herself "Yeah, I'm on board with that." Scientists have been trying to figure that one out for years now. We may never really know the answer, but one thing is sure, I wouldn't be here today writing the same joke over and over again three to four times a week if it weren't for her.* Love you buddy.
*(Because I've been stealing all her writing ideas this whole time.)
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5 comments:
get a room.
charmed my lady today by only playing call of duty for 3 hours, rather than six. also, totally bought her a coffee this morning. mr. smooth, am't i?
I bought my wang some lube (canola oil is lube right?) for the special day. Dry fist is OK for 364 days but I draw the line on Valentine's. Then I treated it to the nastiest black on asian porn I could find. That was more of a President's Day thing though. I can hardly wait for Easter.
Ha. I didn't hot box the missus with chicken wing farts for a solid 24 hour period. Cassanova of eastern, ma over here.
come on people
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