PTSOTL: January 2011

Monday, January 31, 2011

Egypt: the Iraq of the Middle East

I was talking about the media's coverage of the protests in Egypt over the weekend, and thinking about all the new and creative ways Fox News is going to come up with to retard the issue to fit into their own special time-out corner of the news world. "I bet these assholes who watch Fox News (no offense grandma) can't even find Egypt on a map." is what I didn't say, but should have because that would be a great setup to this joke.

Perhaps this graphic is a hint at the strategy they're going to go with: just pretend Egypt is Iraq. Because, as everyone knows, Iraq = evil. Case closed. Bomb these fuckers. This guy feels me:

Considering how mislabeling is pretty standard practice at Fox, it's kind of hard to dismiss this map error as an honest mistake.

This is how it works: if someone does something you don't like, call them a Democrat. Or call them Iraq, because those two categories are basically synonymous vis a vis hating freedom, right? --- >

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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Haha, these guys are totally going to be killed

via Teh lulz

This is not funny. At all. And believe me, if there's one thing I'm an expert on, it's things that are not funny. Consider this entire blog my bonafides in that regard.

Those wacky rapscallions at Gawker kick some dead guys in the dead balls anyway.

Two Iranians have been sentenced to death for running porn sites. One man was convicted of "designing and moderating adult content websites" and "insulting the sanctity of Islam." Hugh Hefner should send a squad of Playboy bunnies to rescue them.

Haha, that would totally save them from being executed. The comments are even better....

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The wretched, watery stench of humankind

Aquaman goes to my gym

I'm all for getting in a good workout. As a matter of fact anyone who knows me will tell you it's pretty much the only thing I care about in the world. Sad, but true. Ask me about the time I had to find an emergency gym on the way back from my grandmother's funeral in Maine sometime. Actually, don't do ask me that, because that's kind of weird.

That being said, maybe some of you out there are working out a little too hard? Like my homeboy I see at the gym all the time who rides that stationary bike up there in the picture. I'm afraid the shot I took about ten minutes after he'd left the area doesn't really capture the deluge-level crisis of the situation. We're talking tsunami level power here coming off this guy's bald pate and oxen-like back fur. I would have taken the photo sooner, but it took me that long to stop dry-heaving and regain the use of my fine motor skills. I think I can still smell him on my computer screen.

Civic Pride

Morrissey Blvd is so not what I wanted it to be by the way

Pretty sure we already covered civic pride in here somewhere, or nationalism anyway, both of which are arbitrary and illogical unless you play an active role in actually shaping your city or country, and let's be honest, if you're reading this blog you most certainly do not. I just spent 12 seconds searching for it in the vast PTSOTL archives so I could link back to it, but I couldn't find it, so I'll just pretend you all know what I mean when I say how stupid you sound when you act proud of the patch of dirt you fell out of a vagina onto by random happenstance.

That said, some people still don't get it. Like this guy who's been sending me troll mail all weekend after reading my guide to Boston in the Phoenix. (BTW's, it's been a pretty great week for haters vis a vis my face, especially since tons of people are getting butt hurt about that Decemberists piece, including Colin Meloy, who apologized on stage the other night for "killing indie rock." Woops. )

But I digress. Here's my man who is apparently really, really proud of his hometown. I guessed it was Quincy before we even got to the bottom of it. They don't have nuance there yet I don't think.

Here's what I wrote:

QUINCY Commonly known as the city of presidents, if by "presidents" you mean meth dealers who are roommates with their uncle.

Apparently this didn't sit well with one Mr. Jonny Blister, who wanted to teach me a lesson of some sort it seems.

Jonny Blister:

Go back to whatever leafy suburb you crawled out of, yuppie cunt. Also, the piece of shit, pedophile friendly rag you work for is still overpriced. Hack.

I wrote back, because I figured it would be fun to fuck with him. I'm also really lonely.

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Friday, January 28, 2011

An (almost) A-to-Z guide to Boston

Remember that guide to Boston for London people I wrote a while back for Platform? I updated it for college kids coming to the city for their first year in the Phoenix's Student Guide. It's got 35% new jokes! Plus the same old ones you loved from the good old days. The illustrations are pretty rad too. So, you're welcome, fuckos.

Welcome to Boston, college kids. Despite all of the things we say every summer behind your backs about how great the city is when you're not here, we're actually really happy to have you. Mostly because all of the schools you attend give us a reason to feign civic pride when we're arguing with friends from New York.

As you get further acclimated to your new city, a lot of questions are probably going to come up. Like, "Why is the Phoenix running this college guide halfway through the school year?" And, "Just how slowly should I walk in front of traffic on Comm Ave on my way to class?" Fortunately, we're here to help you figure out the city with this comprehensive A-to-Z guide to everything that I could think of to make jokes about.

A is for Allston

AMERICA As you probably didn't learn in high school, we invented that shit here in Boston. I'm not going to get into a whole thing about it like those Tea Party jerkoffs who love freedom and believe Jesus is the president of the clouds, but if you're coming here, you're probably going to get douched in the face with this history nonsense everywhere you go. Go see the spot of the real Tea Party if you want. (You don't.) It's right in the harbor over there by all the other shit that no one who lives here has ever seen. (Like the harbor.)

Put this snow on the list and all of these petty motherfuckers too while we're at it

I know we've covered this before, but it's a snowlacaust up in here in the northeast right now, and this shit is as common as a set of soggy sneaker toes. My man Cornelius Nasty Traps III shot this photo. He deserves a Pulitzer for it.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Kings of Leon vs. Glee who wins?

No one wins, that's what. I'll tell you who loses though: me for thinking about this celebrity slap fight for more than ten seconds.

The basic gist is this: Kings of Leon got bird shit in their mouths again, but this time the bird is the producer of one of the biggest, and gayest /no homo(phobia) shows on TV, and the shit is racism against gay people. And awful TV shows.

I've never seen Glee, mind you, but I do have a degree in making things up, so I think I speak with some authority here when I say it has very little to do with rock and roll. The only thing less rock and roll mentioned in this story is the rock and roll band Kings of Leon, so deciding who to ~~root for~~ hate slightly less is hard.

Oh my god this is so stupid, why did I even start writing this post? Well, too late now. Let's forge ahead, shall we?

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How the Decemberists ruined indie rock

indie rock and indie fucking roll

ACADEMIC ABSTRACT: Indie rock suuuucks lately. So says some asshole in the Phoenix this week anyway.

I am that asshole. Read on.

If you're a regular reader of the Phoenix's music section, you'll have noticed a decided uptick in the space devoted to electronic music here lately: electro, laptop lo-fi, chillwave, superstar DJs, and whatever other bullshit genre we're about to hype next week. There's a reason for that: all the writers here (myself especially) have horrible taste. But it also has something to do with the dearth of good indie rock being produced these days. Who's responsible for that? Hard to say for sure, but I'm going to go out on a limb and blame the Decemberists, who play two sold-out shows at the House of Blues tomorrow and Saturday.

The conventional wisdom says that indie rock was a movement in the '80s and '90s whereby bands defied the corporate music system and insisted on going down their own path. Or to put that another way: at some point, everyone in the world declared that he or she was too special to have to work a real job and decided to start a band. In England, of course, it helped that being on the dole was really easy. Allegiance to indie became a convenient way for depressed, even suicidal teenagers to share hairspray tips with each other through coded messages in fan magazines. Here in America, our lazy teenagers also wanted to be in a band, but they didn't want to try that hard, so you got outfits like REM, who couldn't be bothered to write lyrics, or Pavement, who were more about being a "band" than being a band. Indie rock, then, was never about defiance — it was about indifference, and this was a good thing. Because, to be honest, music is a pretty stupid thing to spend so much time thinking about. No offense to people like myself who've made a career out of it.

more words after the jump

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The Jets Are Going To Win the Super Bowl

Our man Zavracky lives in New York (traitor), so he has to listen to this shit from these gasbags all the time. It's enough to drive a man insane.

The New York Jets are going to win the Super Bowl. That's pretty much a guarantee. No, not this Super Bowl, because, well, they choked against the Steelers, but a Super Bowl. At an undetermined time. Lock it up.

From the New York Post:

[Despite their loss in the AFC Championship game, Braylon] Edwards was bullish about [the Jets]. He went to the deejay booth [at a New York nightclub on Monday night], grabbed the microphone and told the crowd... "The Jets will be back next season and will go all the way to the Super Bowl."

Oh, ok, that makes more sense. Maybe all that shit they were talking about winning the Super Bowl wasn't referring to this year. Or last year.

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Is the music industry dead, or are you just dead to the music industry?

Here's a new game we're going to play. It's called "read this press release and see how many times you can be annoyed in the first couple sentences." Ready?

After selling out the Gillette Stadium date of his upcoming Corona Presents Kenny Chesney's 'Goin' Coastal' Tour in an incredible 8 minutes...

Fuck it, I'm tapped out already. That's like six minor brain strokes before the first sentence is even finished. Better forge ahead, for the sake of journalism. See you over there -- >

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Other things I made with words

Street Carnage has an expanded gallery of those drugged-up self portraits I wrote about the other day:

Bryan Lewis Saunders — a guy with three names so you know he’s talented — has been making a self-portrait a day since 1995, he says, although recently he started trying it while under the effects of a variety of different drugs.

Platform shares my interest in the music taste of wolves:

Haha, those wolves were like: “Ewww, dude. Creed?” Probably. They were probably like that. I wasn’t there so I can’t really say. Makes sense though, because everyone knows wolves are more into Bryan Adams. It’s kind of their thing.

Those wolves were like: “Ewww, dude. Creed?” Probably. They were probably like that. I wasn’t there so I can’t really say. Makes sense though, because everyone knows wolves are more into Bryan Adams. It’s kind of their thing.

In this piece in Stuff I asked a bunch of bartenders to invent recipes that the characters from Boardwalk Empire might have been drinking.

And in this one I interview the brewer from a cool local brewery called Haverhill.

At the risk of blowing your minds with this late-breaking news, this whole craft beer thing seems like it's not going away anytime soon. You might think the market would have reverted to the mediocre mean by now, but sales from indie craft brewers have increased overall once again, climbing 9 percent by volume in the US in the first half of 2010. Who knew so many beer guzzlers care about quality? I may have vastly underrated the taste of the American consumer. Wait, what's the opposite of schadenfreude?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Trenta means 30

Good news for thirsty assholes and people who still think those jokes about the size names at Starbucks are killing it, there's a new kid in town for everyone to shit on, and his name is Geoffrey. Wait, that doesn't sound right *shuffles through papers* Oh, ok, it says here his name is TRENTA.

Come again, Reuters?

LOS ANGELES, Jan 16 (Reuters) - Starbucks Corp (SBUX.O) will roll out its biggest drink size yet -- the 31-ounce "Trenta" -- in all of its U.S. coffee shops by May 3, the company said on Sunday.

The new size will be available only for iced coffee, iced tea and iced tea lemonade drinks in the United States. The Trenta is 7 ounces larger than Starbucks' "Venti" cup for iced drinks, which currently is its largest size on offer.

Drinks in the Trenta size will cost 50 cents more than similar Venti-sized iced drinks, the company said.

The Trenta is 31 ounces? Seriously you guys? You're just fucking with us now, right? Obviously they test-marketed the shit out of this idea, and I would be really happy to make fun of it for you on a blog that makes fun of things, like this one, for example, but to be honest I think one of the customer surveys they did must have been inside my brain, because this is exactly what I used to think when I'd get a venti iced Americano there: too small. You'd take three pulls off of it and the damned thing would be drained dry. Like me after my fourth visit to Pornhub.com in a day, you might say.

Ultimately, this was the reason I decided to switch back to Dunkies this year after a long allegiance to Starbucks. I need my giant iced coffee for when I'm hard at work driving the snow plow, or sheet-rocking a roof, or uh, blogging. That and my Massachusetts townie code of ethics. Everytime I drove past the Dunkin Donuts right next to the Starbucks where I live I felt the fuckers inside staring at me like the lineup of hair-sprayed sisters from "The Fighter." "How could you do this to us?" the store would squawk at me while velcroing its white high tops in unison.

Dunkins is yowah family

So I guess that this wasn't entirely just a post about the new Starbucks size thing after all. It was really more about my own neuroses, which makes it pretty much like everything else I've ever written on here. Good work, team. All around. I'm punching out for the day, I've done what I came to do. *pulls steam whistle*

thanks to Stevaux for the tip.

They just talked shit about you on their wolf blog later instead

The only thing more culturally subversive and all around bad ass than making a joke about the growly, spiritual buttrock stylings of the rock and roll outfit Creed in general is making one in the year of our Lord 2011, roughly 15 years after that shit stopped being funny. But if nature is going to leave this ripe dangling fruit here for us to eat with our joke mouths, then who are we to resist?

NME wraps up this tale of Canis lupusian refinement in a tidy little joke box.

Creed save Norwegian boy from a pack of wolves

Walter Eikrem, who lives in the Norwegian town of Rakkestad, was walking home from school when he encountered four wolves on the path ahead of him.

Eikrem was listening to Creed's Overcome through his mobile phone and decided he’d try and utilise the band's music to scare the wolves away. He reportedly removed his headphones and turned the volume up to maximum, at which point the wolves turned and walked away.

Eikrem said that when the wolves heard Creed they "didn't really get scared, they just turned around and simply trotted away".

Haha, those wolves were like: "Ewww, dude. Creed?" Probably. They were probably like that. I wasn't there so I can't really say. Makes sense though, because everyone knows wolves are more into Bryan Adams. It's kind of their thing. Like in this eight grade class video assignment from some kid who got an A fucking plus if there's any justice in the world.

"It's a new world.
It's a new start. It's alive with the beating of young hearts. It's a new day. It's a new plan. I've been waiting for you. Here I am"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

An artist who makes self portraits on a different drug every day

1/2 gram cocaine

Anyone who decides they want to be an artist (or write a blog for that matter) is already fucked in the head to begin with. Add in the fact that most of them are incapable of holding a real job, and generally open to experimentation, (meaning they don't have anywhere to be in the morning) and it's no wonder that so many of them get on the drugs, as no one says anymore but I think they probably should.

Bryan Lewis Saunders, a guy with three names so you know he's talented, has been making a self portrait a day since 1995, he says, although recently he started trying it while under the effects of a variety of different drugs. The results are pretty ~~boring~~ interesting, but I didn't really have anything else to write about today, and that gram and a half of leftover coke over there isn't going to snort itself, so here you go. via io9 via Laughing Squid

Go see all of his work at his website.

2 bottles of cough syrup

one bump of crystal meth

More after the jump. Plus pictures of myself in various altered states.

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Friday, January 21, 2011

In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes, but dead forever, so...

images via Hyperbole and a Half

The people in my head I talk to sometimes are always asking me questions. "Luke," they say. "What's the worst idea for a business you've seen lately?" they say. "Be quiet," I tell them, trying to dull their infernal ghostly chatter with bourbon and internet porn.

Then when I wake up from another ill-advised pants off bender I say, "Ok. I'll tell you the worst idea for a business I've seen lately. It's called See Me Become Famous." Then I try to show them the website, but brain ghosts don't really understand the internet, so they get bored pretty easily and are like "We gotta go dude." Fucking brain ghosts.

I can show you guys though. Here it is! "Do you want to be famous? Do you think you look or sound famous? Have you been told that you could be famous? What’s stopping you from being famous?"

All good questions.

SeeMeBecomeFamous.com is your stage, your platform, and your stadium where you can turn dreams into reality. Communicate with people in your industry; make friends, connections, or even partnerships. Take your talents to a new level and be seen by the top agents, scouts, agencies, schools, employers, studios and producers from all over the world.

Find yourself asking these questions... Do I Look Famous? Could you see me on TV or on an album cover? What are you waiting for? The time is now, stars are being born every day, is it time for your star to shine?

Join one of the most exciting communities on the web; showcase your talents, your look, and your moxie!

Don’t know if you have the right stuff? Take this easy quiz and find out!

I took the quiz just now, because, well, who doesn't want to be famous? Some of the questions were a little hard to answer though, or else brought up an entirely different set of questions. Like these ones....

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Tragic blowjobs

The problem with speaking in hyperbole is that something else always comes along to make what you just said meaningless. So, while the lady who fell into a fountain at the mall and is thinking about suing, uh, someone (no one knows) was literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard up until five seconds ago, this guy who went to Vegas, got a blow job (I'm guessing?) from a hooker, and is actually filing suit against the escort service for 1.8 million dollars makes that fountain lady look like a pussy.

Speaking of pussy, the Las Vegas Sun via Gawker explains the details. The brain-exploding, boner-shriveling, details. "A tourist says he was traumatized when Las Vegas police threatened to arrest him after he complained about an act of prostitution in his hotel room..."

[Hubert] Blackman, a college student, said in an interview Thursday that he was on vacation and staying at the Stratosphere on Dec. 17 when he called Las Vegas Exclusive Personals to arrange for a stripper to come to his room and dance for him.

Blackman said the woman, who appeared to be in her mid 20s, stripped and performed a lap dance for $155 and a sex act for another $120.

Wait, what sex act costs less than a lap dance? Fuck that, I think I might have a pretty solid case against every fucking strip club I've ever been to.

Actually, true story: last time I was out for a bachelor party in Providence, RI, I got propositioned to have $40 anal. $50 for regular sex though. I think she was saving it for someone special, she said. I would have found out, except I'm not really into smacked-out horror stories on wheels squeezing turds onto my penis. Wait, does that make me gay?

So what else happened to our man in Vegas? Find out over there ----->

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard

This is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard, and that's coming from a guy who just spent the morning reviewing the new Decemberists record. Remember that amazing video from last week of the fleshly embodiment of American culture falling into a fountain at the mall while she was texting? Turns out she's thinking about suing.

Video of Cathy Cruz Marrero's fall has attracted more than a million and a half views on YouTube and been shared widely on Facebook and Twitter.

But while the world has found her fall funny, Marrero said she finds little humor in the incident because no one from the mall has reached out to her.

"I was actually texting a friend of mine from church," she says, which sort of explains things a little. Watch her talk about her humiliation on ABC News then let's all agree to never talk about this again.

Going to an NBA game

PTSOTL contributor Mint E Fresh went to see an NBA game. It was loud.

I went to the Celtics game last night. What the fuck? Talk about sensory overload. Football and baseball and the WWF have nothing on basketball as far as special effects and ridiculous brain-battering nonsense is concerned. Is there any need, one minute into the first quarter of a game with a 4 - 2 score, to have the BOOM BOOM "D-FENCE" noise/graphics blasting in your face? Every fucking second is filled with something like that, blasting noises and a blinding bullshit spectacle.

The game goes like this:

IIIIIIIIIINTRODUCING THE BOOOSTOOOON CEEELTIIIIIIIIIIICS *whistle!* dribble dribble pass shoot BOOM-BOOM "DE-FENCE!" BOOM-BOOM "DE-FENCE!" dribble dribble WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE WE GOT FUN AND GAMES *whistle!* pass shoot LET'S MAAAAKE SOOOOME NOOOOOOISE *whistle!* LADIES AND GENTLEMEN LET'S TAKE A MOMENT TO HONOR OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN *whistle!* dribble pass dunk MONIE MONIE! *whistle!* BOOM-BOOM "DE-FENCE!" BOOM-BOOM "DE-FENCE!" *whistle!* LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IT'S TIME TO HONOR THE BOSTON CELTICS "EVERYDAY HERO" OF THE WEEK MS. SHILO SHAPIRO GIVE HER A BIG HAND *whistle!* pass dribble pass *whistle!* AAAAND NOW THE BOSTON CELTICS DANCERS! *whistle!* DE-FENSE DE-FENSE buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz game over on the list.

I know everybody needs to stay entertained, but that is some stupid fucking garbage. Really we need to honor the national guardsmen? Why not mall cops?

Other than that though, it was the balls. My company's seats (Company seats.) are ten rows back off the floor. I thought that game was going to suck but luckily the Celtics half-assed the first three quarters so it was tight at the end.

taking a few days off this week

It'll all turn out ok, don't worry.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Do I work? Yes! I work 24 hours a day. Why? Because I'm a MOM! I am the bank, I am a cook, a cleaner, a parent, a teacher, a referee, a nanny, a nurse, a handy-woman, a maid, a security officer and a comforter. I don't get holidays, sick pay or a day OFF. I work through the day and the night. I am on call at all hours. Now tell me my job isn't a real one!! Re-post if you are blessed enough to be a MOM! ♥

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Put me out of my misery

Hey, so, about that free booze thing I was trying to do tonight...Woops, sorry about that. Apparently it's "illegal." Goddamn Puritans still fucking me from the grave after all these years.

What else? Finally getting my harddrive recovered after the MacBook crashed last week. Let's hope I actually still have some music to play tonight. Still recovering as well: my brain from trying to drink away the Patriots loss. Not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I won't be able to watch ESPN or listen to sports talk radio for like a month now.

OK, even I'm getting sick of talking about this thing, so let's just hurry up and get it over with. Meanwhile, Boston Band Crush told the people how it is:

Put That Shit On The List, Luke O’Neil’s daily register of annoyance*, has rounded up a bunch of bros from dance nights around town and will put them all in one place tomorrow night at the Enormous Room. DJs EvRock (Bodega Girls / Cool Ranch), BRDR (), David Day () and Jamie Michalski aka (Make It New / SSLLOOWW) will be on hand, all trying to out-do each other with their favorite “boner jamz.” Imagine Beowulf, Wolverine, John McClane, Ernest Hemingway and Tyler Durden locked in a room battling it out, because it’ll be just like that, but with music instead of fighting. Well, almost like that. Ok, it’ll be nothing like that, but there will be dudes playing music. Also, the poster says free booze, so ask about that when you get there. Check it out.

*and dick jokes

Monday, January 17, 2011

Worst post in the history of PTSOTL

The Patriots shit their own and everyone else's pants last night, and then next thing you know I'm tossing and turning in bed at 5 am and need to get up for a bowl of bourbon and a duke, so fuck everything today.

I found this amazing picture on someone's Facebook. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go listen to The Queen Is Dead, like most football fans do when their team loses.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

PTSOTL presents: Pig Pile THIS SHIT IS FREE YO

EvRock and Luke O'Neil Photo by Sara Skolnick

Time Out Boston talked about the PTSOTL party on Tuesday. Oh, by the way, Time Out Boston exists now. Go read it, because they are nice and they're good at what they do. By the way part two, what's going on with Skeletor in a hoodie up there?

Oh right, that's kind of redundant, because Skeletor basically wore a hoodie on the reg. That's all he wore actually.

PTSOTL presents: Pig Pile

567 Massachusetts Ave (at Pearl St)

enormous.tv

Subway: Central T Get directions

Bullshit barometer blog Put That Shit On The List presents a night that crowds in seemingly far too many dude DJ divas for this night to be anything other than a sonic pissing contest. Flexing their music muscles will be blogrunner Luke O'Neil, Group Hug's BRDR, King EvRock of Bodega Girls/Cool Ranch as well as David Day and DJ Die Young of Make It New. While not shaking it to the promised "boner jamz," attendees can partake in some TBA drink specials (we'll venture to guess that it will be free 'Gansetts) and admiring Luke O'Neil's Skeletor costume.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Daily mortality reminder

In this très mignon vidéo, a series of contemporary French kids get the backs of their French dome pieces blown back by retro technology like 45s and Atari catridges and old rotary phones. The looks on their faces as they try to figure out what the fuck is going on here are priceless. It's like watching Shaggy 2 Dope trying to make sense of this whole baffling situation below:

Bad Ass Digest describes it like so:

This video is of a bunch of French kids being confronted with ‘old’ technology. 8 track tapes, floppy discs, a Gameboy, game cartridges, a record player. It’s pretty cute and funny but it’s when one of the black kids immediately starts scratching on the record player (no shit!) that things got hilarious.

He said it, not me. Just saying that he's just saying that.

So... the point is, there are a couple of lessons you can draw from this video, and a lot of them probably have to do with whatever awesome French joke you've got percolating in your person-brain right now. The one I take from it is this: You are going to die someday, and after a while no one will remember you. Then someday space kids from France sur la lune are going to goof on all the shit that you cared about and gave meaning to your life.

Alternatively: les enfants sont putain retarde. Either one, really.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Except in this case I'm rooting for the Evil Empire to win

In what is probably the first example of my agreeing with anything the New York Post has ever done, I've got to say this cover from a recent issue is pretty spot on. (Bonus points for hammering that dreadful punny headline in there).

See what I meant in that piece about the Patriots being the Evil Empire? Bill Belichick is Darth Vader, no question. And the faceless Pats Stormtroopers are the perfect representation of their style of play. Rex Ryan as Han Solo though? Well, he does usually get himself into trouble with his wisecracks. And Sanchez is in fact a whiny little bitch like Luke Skywalker. Everything else reads. Well played, New York Post. Well played indeed.

In other sports news: Normally I'd think all these Rex Ryan foot fetish jokes are hacky and lame, but when Wes Fucking Welkah does it? It's just pure grit. Look at him go over the middle with these zingers. He's a machine, barely breaking stride.

See the video over there, where it's more quiet, and no one will judge you:

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Wacky fake mustaches

Look, I'm all for subverting heteronormativity as much as the next guy who says that out loud so he can get laid, but this thing they have going on now where girls are wearing wacky fake mustaches and taking photos of it is a little much for me. There's a difference between challenging gender roles in order to promote equality and waging a terrorist bombing campaign against my ability to ever achieve a boner again. If there's one thing I know about gender issues, it's that it's usually a pretty good idea to base my argument on my penis.

probably still would

I don't know either, dude.

What if it's Halloween, you say, and they're just having a laugh? Good question. My answer is this: how funny is it on Halloween when a guy dresses in drag with balloons stuffed up his shirt?
To the surprise of absolutely no one, because every fucking little thing has a blog about it now, I just found this: Hipster Girls In Mustaches

More dreadful wackiness after the mustache jump:

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Space wizards who throw lightning bolts and are made out of gas

D. Jean Mustard must have met up with his dude last night, because he's tripping about space. I think I'm getting lifted right now just looking at these pictures. What if this whole thing is a fucking dream, man?

I'm not one to believe in God, because I live in Cambridge. Haha, amiright? Anyway, space seems pretty cool, especially when you're doing a j-bar in the backyard lawn chair and chilling out to some RJD2 or Sigur Ros whatever dipshits listen to now when they're blazing. Hey, am I crazy or does this look like a fucking wizard on top of a mountain (Space Mountain?) throwing a lightning bolt down to smote non-believers or people who use the phrase "Just sayin''"? It's either that or I'm really fucking baked, bro.

Anyway, if you happen to score some green and wanna see some burnt shit, here's where I found it.

More insane images of gaseous stellar God fighting space-liberals after the space jump:

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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Please look at me. Please don't look at me.

JSYKFYI clear your shedjewel this Tuesday night, because we're pigging out in eachother's face. Pigging out on music. And probably drugs. Because that's how bloggers roll. Except my laptop crashed last night, so woops. There goes all the music I was going to play.

Our friends at the Phoenix had a nice mention-meant of the PTSOTL party today.

TUESDAY 01.18 |
Blogs hosting dance parties is so 2010, but Phoenix contributor Luke O’Neil’s Put That Shit on the List correctly noticed a city need for more “boner jam” nights. DJs EvRock (Bodega Girls), Die Young (Make It New), and more spin the hits, and if it sucks, PTSOTL will be the first to say so.
569 Mass Ave, Cambridge | 10 pm | 21+ | Free | or enormous.tv

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

That's racist (and hot)

Lexington Steele, molder of young, um...

My lady-friend is a teacher, a molder of young minds, if you will, which is a noble profession, and much more important than anything I'll ever do with my life. Probably. Until I sell my script based on my adventures writing this blog to Hollywood, in which case in your fucking face everyone.

Usually she teaches pretty standard elementary school books to the kids. Like this:

Or this

But this other book she was reading last night sort of gave me pause. And a boner.

Let's take a look inside, shall we? NSFW after the jump, you big ninnies.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Pages

Monday, January 31, 2011

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Friday, January 28, 2011

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Monday, January 24, 2011

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Friday, January 21, 2011

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

Sunday, January 16, 2011

PTSOTL presents: Pig Pile

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Friday, January 14, 2011

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Ethical Scumbag

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