Saturday, May 25, 2013

4 Food Trends That Most Top Chefs All Basically Agree Are Bullshit From Throughout History


Throughout history and across many cultures, human beings and fairytale giants have all longed for one thing: to smash open bones and scrape out the liquid inside for their porridge. In primitive times this was easier to do because you would come across a skeleton in the bushes one day, of a lion, or one of the many other animals that were popular at the time, and you would have a rock handy, and next thing you’re drinking bone juice for days, out of, say, a leather pouch attached to your belt. Now-a-days we ask chefs to do this for us, for example the top chefs in Vietnam who use bone marrow as a base for phở, and also the top chefs in the Philippines who make a soup called bulalo. Other top chefs in other top countries use bone marrow in other fashions and styles such as the top chefs in Italy who make ossobucco and also the chefs in the Italian part of your specific American city who do thus. Many top chefs appreciate bone marrow in other ways, such ways which include appreciating its salty, buttery texture, and serving it often-times in the actual bone, which they place on the plate ($27). The main reason top chefs everywhere appreciate bone marrow is because it is the culinary equivalent of the beer that is collected in the drain under the taps, and then you pour that beer back into a glass and resell it and chefs are cheap and think most of us are stupid, which we are, in fact, some of the top stupid people in the country live right in your city.

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Friday, May 24, 2013

How to Tell If a Woman Is DTF by the Book She Is Reading



Fellas. Are you with me fellas? It can be hard to tell if a hot babe is DTF sometimes, especially if she’s got her nose buried in a book. Professional pushy-crushers know how to figure out from across the Starbucks or the subway whether or not this pretty little thing wants it just by glancing at the title of the book she’s reading, as this new, definitely real scientific study from MissTravel.com—a dating site for young attractive ladies just looking for that special, older, rich man to fly them around the world—points out.

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16-17 People Who Majored In English and Somehow Aren’t Hobos Now




Business Insider has a list up today called 16 Wildly Successful People Who Majored In English, and it goes a little something like this: “English majors get a bad rap in today’s college debate, and it seems they always have. It’s argued that their education doesn’t provide the necessary skills required in today’s economy.” Like, for example, math. “We’ve included 17 people who prove that success is determined by your drive, not background,” they say, which I guess if you round it down it’s close enough to 16. Maybe it’s a metaphor? That’s an English major thing.

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Far Right, Anti-Gay Lunatic Commits Suicide in Paris’ Notre Dame. Good More of Them Should



 


It’s been a mixed bag of a month for people concerned about our country’s ability to recognize the basic civil rights of American citizens regardless of sexual identity. On the one hand, Rhode Island, Minnesota, and Delaware all recently legalized gay marriage. This is wonderful news. On the other hand, a New York City man, Mark Carson, was taunted with homophobic slurs by a deranged piece of shit who murdered him in the middle of the street. This was, mind you, in New York City, in a particularly gay-friendly area at that. That certainly wasn’t the only hate-crime perpetrated in the city, or elsewhere throughout the country in recent months.

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The 10 Worst Parts of This 10 Obnoxious Things Hipsters Say About Music List


Awe-inspiring in its pursuit of singleminded obsolescence, this Pigeons and Planes slideshow listicle 10 Obnoxious Things Hipsters Say About Music is so bad I almost respect it. It’s not easy constructing a fallacy of a premise on top of a cliché of a foundation and then actually following through with the legwork of hefting the shoddy structure up, just sentence after sentence of corrupted, soulless nothingness. This type of dedication to saying literally not one new thing that hasn’t already been said thousands of times on this very subject in thousands of other posts makes me think there has to be some other devious design at work here. Here are the worst parts of this shameful anchor of taste, humor, and execution, in no particular order:

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Check Out Obama’s Amazingly Dorky/Hip Prom Photos, Yearbook Note



I know digging throughout your old high school box of memories is a drag and a chore — my mother has been trying to get me to clean that stuff out of her house for like a decade now — but, and this is just me talking here, let’s say I had gone to the prom with Barack Effing Obama, I might have shared these things a few years ago. Maybe, like, January 20, 2009 to be exact? All the same, here they are now published in Time magazine, unearthed after all these years by an old classmate named Kelli Allman (née McCormack). Yeah, but where’s the full, uncropped photo? Donald Trump is wondering right now.

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Reappraising the Morrissey Canon on His 54th Birthday



I wrote this thing about Morrissey in Esquire. That's nice.


And so, with little fanfare, begins this 54th revolution around an indifferent, dreaded sun for perhaps the man for our times: one Mr. Steven Patrick Morrissey. One of the more naggingly persistent cultural figures bestriding a decades-long run of disposability, the doggedness of the Poet Laureate of Dissatisfaction and Woe probably shouldn't be surprising. The one time and forever frontman of The Smiths has sung our contradictions, our contained multitudes, back to us for near thirty years now, and we do not like what we have seen reflected: our stymied lusts, our mercurial peccadillos, our heroic puniness, but we do not like it in such a way that its offing also pleases us. It's appropriate that his last worthwhile effort, in 2009, was titled Years of Refusal. Decades, perhaps, may have been a more accurate description. 

While you'll find all manner of reluctant celebration of this unhappiest of birthdays in the more musical-minded corners of the Internet today, many of them will focus on the songwriter's greatest moments. This seems a misreading of the meaning of the man and his work. When I interviewed him a few months back, I tried to get him to admit to his own experience of necessarily pitiful and obvious humanity, but, forever imprisoned in the character of his own devising, he refused the bait. He was not just another human being, he protested. Beloved musicians, he said, never are, "however much you try to wish that they are.”

The suburbs have ruined everything



Our man Michael Baird lives in the suburbs, from where he's filed this special report. 

Suburban America can be proud. We’ve popularized the kettle-cooked potato chip and built the economy of China. Unfortunately, we have also excelled at taking things that were historically cool, and making them lame. As an exercise in self-improvement, let’s take time off from avoiding pasta, and recognize a few glaring examples.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

‘The Full House jpeg of Dorian Gray’, 43 Images That Will Make You Feel Old



Are you old? Hard to say sometimes. Fortunately, we have Buzzfeed to monetize that information for us in a series of images that settle the question of your temporal condition. Just look  who had no clue what their own specific age was until they scanned a listicle on the internet called . It was a series of pop culture references they remembered from the ’90s: floppy disks, Titanic,Reading Rainbow, images which amounted, in whole, to a sort of The Full House jpeg of Dorian Gray.
The visitor could see no change in any of the faces on the post, save in the author profile of Matt Stopera. In his eyes there was a look of cunning and in the mouth the curved wrinkle of the hypocrite. The thing was still loathsome—more loathsome, if possible, than before—and the scarlet dew that spotted his aggregating eyes seemed brighter, and more like blood newly spilled. The Buzzfeed fan trembled. Had it been merely vanity that had made them click on this link? Or the desire for a new sensation, as their friends on Facebook who shared the post had hinted, with their RTs?  Or that passion to act a part that sometimes makes us do things baser than we are ourselves? Or, perhaps, all these?
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George Takei Is Ruining the Internet One Awful Meme at a Time



With , and 659,475 Twitter followers, George Takei, the 75-year-old former Star Trek actor is one of the most beloved people on the internet. Even more impressive than those numbers are the rate at which his material is shared; it’s not unusual for something he posts to amass tens, even hundreds of thousands of likes. Further, the gay rights advocate has done a lot of good work spreading awareness of this important issue, particularly among the sci-fi and genre nerd demographics. He’s also pushed for years for  Japanese Americans suffered through during World War II. He himself was held prisoner in a camp for four years with his family. In short, he’s a great dude, sort of the lovable gay grandfather from space we all wish we had. Isn’t that nice?
The only problem is that grandfathers are corny as fuck, and instead of shunting him off to the nursing home like we do with our real life ones, only wheeling them out every couple of months for a holiday get-together where we promptly ignore them and their bad jokes, Takei’s blathering is constantly pushed around the internet into our faces by the least funny people we know. It wouldn’t be so bad if Takei was simply telling bad jokes, but his embarrassingly , , and image macros constitute the Borgesian aleph of shit-encrusted internet mediocrity spear-headed by the unholy trinity of all-encompassing nothingness whose throne he squats over alongside Buzzfeed and The Oatmeal.
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Monday, May 13, 2013

12 Shocking False Flags From the 90s and Other Times In History That Will Surprise You



1. The sinking of U.S. ship The Maine in 1898 was widely rumored to have been perpetrated by the American government as a pretext for going to war with Spain.
797px-Maine_sinking_1912

2. Looks like a real American flag, but upon closer inspection this is a mural painted on a wall. Busted.


FlagMural



Read the rest at Feed Buzz

Sunday, May 12, 2013

STOP TALKING POLITICS AT THE BAR (PTSOTL re-runs)


I was just thinking about how the only people who care about winning arguments are invariably the biggest fucking losers you know. That's not a coincidence. It reminded me of this old Street Carnage bit I did, which, speaking of conservative shitheads... 

You will never, ever, no matter how pithy the one-liners you’ve been practicing in message board arguments and how shit-eatingly confident your approach, convince someone of the opposite political opinion that they are wrong. About anything. No matter what. Ted Kennedy himself could descend from the heavens riding a chariot made of welfare checks and buy a round of Cape Codders for the bar and the conservative baby you’re talking to who is scared of the browns stealing his money and aborting him in the ass still wouldn’t change his mind. Same rules apply for the opposite end of the political spectrum (replace Teddy with Reagan and Cape Codders with moonshine and baby formula)

Saturday, May 11, 2013

No More Fake News! An earnest argument against satire



Did you hear the one about the racist NRA president? You probably did if you've been on Facebook or Twitter in the last forty-eight hours. A widely shared article from the website the Free Wood Post headlined, “NRA President Jim Porter: ‘It’s Only A Matter Of Time Before We Can Own Colored People Again,’” has been making the rounds (44,490 shares and 66,000 likes on Facebook), and rightfully so. It's an inflammatory, attention-grabbing hook that plays right into the stereotype liberals have about the people who join the NRA. The only problem here is it's obviously fake, which anyone who spent more than thirty seconds reading the article should have surmised. Even worse, the obvious fakery, so easily forgotten once you get the not-so-subtle gag, has gotten much more attention than the actually creepy things that Porter has really said about the Civil War.

Read the rest at The New Republic

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

3 Women Missing for a Decade Found in Cleveland, World Laughs At Rescuer

 

On Monday afternoon, three Ohio women who had been missing for ten or more years, Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight, were discovered when Berry managed to call police to report she was alive and being held prisoner. The owner of the home, Ariel Castro, was arrested. It’s a horrifying story, and one where there are still many questions to be answered. The home where they were being held is said to be within a few miles of where Berry went missing, in what became a high profile case in the city for years. But who cares about any of that, because we’ve got a quotable African American on the local news to make good sport of. , shall we, at one Mr. Charles Ramsey, who came to the aid of the women when he noticed Berry screaming from within the home. 

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11 ‘Only In New York City’ Ways You Know You’re a Person In New York City




NEW YORK CITY! The Big Apple! If you can make it here you can make it anywhere, they say. Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, they say. The hub of the universe! It’s the greatest city on earth, and you won’t find anything else like it, no matter how many others 1s of cities you live in before you move here. With all due respect to Buzzfeed’s 23 Signs You’ve Lived in New York City Too Long, which we’ve already StumbleUpon’d and shared on Google+, we’d like to offer up our own list of 11 ‘Only In New York City’ Ways You Know You’re a Person in New York City.
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Monday, May 6, 2013

"Boston (You're My Home)" Song Hits New Lows For #BostonStrong Personal Branding Opportunism



Missed your chance to score tickets for the Boston Strong concert at the Garden when they sold out in five minutes today? As a consolation let's all go listen to this new track "Boston (You're My Home)" by Kenzie, which, like most of the best hip hop usually does, tells the mayor what a good job he did in the lyrics while auto-tuning the president saying inspirational things. 
 
As one of the commenters on the : "Totally speechless and in tears." 

Me too.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Let's All Go Watch a Clip From 'Teen Mom' Farrah Abraham's Sex Tape Why Not NSFW



"Milf" + "teen" are two of the most searched terms on porn sites around the world, but it's rare that we get to witness the brilliant marketing synergy at work of bringing those two disembodied jerk-off fantasies together into one sentient humanoid. In this case, that's Farrah Abraham, from some show about being a teen and also a mom, I guess. Mostly sentient anyway, as this first clip from Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom illustrates. In the video Abraham engages in all manner of fornication with adult film star James Deen, and it feels exactly as authentic as you'd imagine the Frankenstein-like wedding of reality TV and reality porn would be. Check it out! My favorite part was where we got to watch her go take a dump while telling Deen to get ready for anal when she's back. Hot.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Here's Why Bros Care About Gay Athletes in the Locker Room



The biggest story of the week, and in sports in the past couple months, came yesterday with veteran NBA player Jason Collins announcing, at age 34, that he is gay. Almost instantly after the news we began dissecting the minutiae of the story, because that’s what we do now. Did he come out too late? critics asked. Was it all just a marketing stunt? the worst people you can imagine opined on message boards. Would it have been more meaningful if he were a star at the top of his game? others offered. If Collins was really, gay, why didn’t the FBI know about it ahead of time!? OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE. someone on InfoWars is probably saying right now.

And what about the fact that he isn’t even the first famous athlete to come out as homosexual? Why is he getting so much attention? I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume since you’re reading the website of a New York City-based fashion and arts magazine that most of the controversy around someone coming out seems ridiculous on its face to you, as it should. So what are the sports fans of the world complaining about? Besides hilariously bigoted projections of their Christian values, that is?

Read the rest at Bullett
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