PTSOTL: September 2011

Friday, September 30, 2011

Iggy Azalea's "Pu$$y"? Probably not going to go viral

(h/t PTSOTL reader Corey)

I haven't really had time to go back and give this new video from Australia by way of LA by way of No Talentburgh (actual city) Iggy Zaalea the proper examination it requires, but I think this young woman here wants to draw attention to her vagina. And since "untalented pussy" happens to be one of the top search terms that lead people to this blog, I figure I'd better get this up fast. Just in case.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Somehow people still don't know what dub step is

via

I guess somehow people still don't know what dub step is, which probably shouldn't come as a surprise because against all fucking odds, I still hear people asking what emo is, which tells me a couple of things about the world, but mostly that most people don't think about music very much. Other people who don't know what emo is include the biggest music phenomenon in the world right now, Spotify, who just offered me up Ray LaMontagne, and something called Anna Abreu on their "emo" channel. GENRE FAIL.

Who cares though, right? Good for people who don't know what genres mean. I do, and I hate music, and myself, more than they ever will. Must feel nice.

People in my social sphere are asking "WTF IS DUBSTEP?" again today because HRO posted about the James Blake quote in the Boston Phoenix, which I mentioned here on PTSOTL yesterday. It's actually a really great piece, which feels weird to say about something Carles wrote, that asks a lot of thought-provoking questions, and doesn't just make me feel depressed about being a music writer like the site normally does.

As we enter our alt-middle ages, we are at a crossroads. Do we want to go fall asleep at a Bon Iver or James Blake concert, or do we want to watch people who are younger than us have the same kind of fun that we used to have at a dubstep concert? Immersing yourself in dubmericana culture makes you wonder if the same joy and excitement that we once felt for music might have been just as impersonal and contrived.

So, for no reason other than trying to capitalize on blog buzz, and because a lot of people are searching for an answer to this all important musical genre distinction, here's a run down of a few things I've said about it on here before that should help and/or further muddy the waters.

Remember this bit? Don't be a pedophile or you will get dubstepped to death? That's dub step.

Remember the boner we shared over this Harry Potter themed dub step poll dance? That's dub step.

Here's an electronic musical genre bullshitting guide I posted a while back, including music from James Blake, and, what is still my favorite dubbysteppy track from Girl Unit.

Here's where I talked about how you are supposed to dance to dub step at a Rusko performance. "Pretend you're hailing a cab with one arm, and you're giving a hands-free blow job with your head on the upbeat."

And below is my interview with Rusko, in which I try to unpack the HOT NEW GENRE for n00bz. If you want to cut to the chase, my explanation is thus: It's a more aggressive extension of dub music, as you might guess, although it's mutated pretty far, from that with accentuated upbeats, really thick, manipulated bass drones that sound like a wobble, which is where the WOB WOB WOB thing comes from, and typically really heavy, machine-like sound effects pitch-shifted up and down to create the melody.

WTF IS DUB STEP?

I had to figure it out quick so I could explain what Rusko is to the Boston Globe readers. Did I ever figure it out? Sort of.

Rusko, doing whatever it is DJs do.

Dubstep is so hot right now. Dubstep is also so over. Depends on who you talk to.

The sub-genre of electronic music spun off from UK garage and drum ’n’ bass has been steadily bubbling over in dance clubs around the world since its inception in the early part of the last decade. As tends to be the case with all such trends, the term has come to encompass an amorphous range of styles; but it’s most typically characterized by its distinctive half-time kick and snare, wobbling low-end bass lines, and buzzing chainsaw effects. This past year, the form saw its most obvious entrée into the mainstream (much to the dismay of fans who tend to hyperventilate about these sorts of things) when it showed up in the breakdown of Britney Spears’s “Hold It Against Me.’’ That was either the moment when the trend suffered a popular death, or gained new life by expanding to a much broader, untapped audience.

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An Unnecessarily Exhaustive Analysis of the Video for Hall and Oates’ "Out Of Touch"

Jake Zavracky, who last told us about why Billy Joel is the worst lyricist of all time, talks to us today about one of the great pieces of film in our time, Hall and Oates' "Out of Touch." Jake has a new record up on his BandCamp page today. Do go check it out. Jake's site. Other stuff from Jake on this blog.

An Unnecessarily Exhaustive Analysis of the Video for Hall and Oates’ "Out Of Touch".

To introduce an ongoing discussion of pop videos of the 80’s, today we will focus on Hall and Oates’ “Out of Touch”, their 1984 hit, in an effort to understand what the duo and those who made this video may have been thinking:

The video begins with Hall and Oates inside a giant bass drum. Ostensibly trapped, they helplessly bounce around inside as it vibrates, struggling to maintain their balances. Above them their drummer plays the giant drum kit the bass drum belongs to with giant drum sticks. For some reason unknown to the viewer, he hits the toms when he should be hitting the snare. No toms play on the track. Do you think that we don’t know the difference between toms and a snare drum, sir? We do.

Meanwhile, back in the bass drum, Hall and Oates look for a solution to their dilemma. “Help us, we’re hopelessly trapped in this bass drum!” their movements suggest, but then they realize the solution is simply to exit the bass drum to safety. The exit was just a few feet away all along, at the front of the bass drum. Why had Hall and Oates decided to enter the bass drum in the first place? It does not appear a very welcoming place to have a conversation. It is impossible to say.

What any of this means is unclear.

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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The day, the duuubstep died. James Blake has a sad. Korn hearts the wob

Music blogging! My colleague/homegirl Liz Pelly's piece on James Blake in the Boston Phoenix is making the rounds of the muzik blogz today. P4k pulls out this lulzy quote via Blake's butthurt soul. "Y U no sad like me, brostep?" he said. Basically.

“I think the dubstep that has come over to the US, and certain producers-- who I can't even be bothered naming-- have definitely hit upon a sort of frat-boy market where there's this macho-ism being reflected in the sounds and the way the music makes you feel. And to me, that is a million miles away from where dubstep started. It's a million miles away from the ethos of it. It's been influenced so much by electro and rave, into who can make the dirtiest, filthiest bass sound, almost like a pissing competition, and that's not really necessary. And I just think that largely that is not going to appeal to women. I find that whole side of things to be pretty frustrating, because that is a direct misrepresentation of the sound as far as I'm concerned.”

Kind of hard to decide who to side with here. On the one hand, broz wobblin with their shirts off and shit on a hella aggressive daterapestep vibe is pretty annoying, but on the other hand, James Blake's music is literally some of the most boring shit I have ever only kind of listened to once or twice, which if we're being honest, is certainly not enough to base a definitive over the top opinion about, but it's the internet so who's going to do anything about it? You? You think you're better than me? Let's fucking rage, bro.

In entirely unrelated news, Korn are making a dubstep album, reports NME. That's weird, the reporter should have said to them during the interview, before hanging up.

The band will release the album on December 5 and have confirmed that the album will be comprised entirely of songs made with dubstep producers.

Korn have already released one single from the album 'Get Up', which has been produced by Skrillex, and have revealed that they have also worked with producers Excision, Datsik, Noisia, Kill the Noise, and 12th Planet on the album.

The band confirmed to NME earlier this summer that they were making a full length dubstep album, with bassist Fieldy revealing that frontman Jonathan Davis had persuaded the band to do it.

Jonathan loved it [dubstep] and he just got us into it. We feel it's important to stay current and keep on top of what's going on.

And that was the end of that.

Popeyes' new Dip'n Chick'n. It's not food if it doesn't have an apostrophe in its name

It's not food if it doesn't have an apostrophe in its name, that's what I've always said. That's why I'm stoked about this item of important news from Foodbeast. Check it out: two effing apostrophes in one food item. That's like double the flavor burst in your taste cave.

For a limited time only, Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen has released another deep-fried finger treat. Known as the Dip’n Chick’n, this new item features premium chicken breast fillets, marinated in their signature Louisiana herbs, [ED: Louisiana Herb is what they used to call me back in my frat days at Tulane] hand-breaded, and deep fried to a perfect golden brown. What’s so special about it? The chicken is actually served in a way that allows you to actually scoop the dipping sauce. Included with the new Dip’n Chick’n will be a double serving of Blackened Ranch Dipping Sauce, Cajun Fries and a Biscuit, all for $3.99. (H/T )

Hold on a tic though, am I the only one hearing that this place is actually called Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen for the first time here, because I feel like that's a game changer. If I had known that they had such a classy moniker this whole time I would've been going a lot more frequently than my normal twice weekly lunch appointment. More like appoopment though, am I right? Haha. You kill me sometimes buddy.

Check it out though, here's how it works. You ever try just dipping a regular piece of shitty old passe battered and fried chicken-type product into some non-blackened dipping sauce? Eff that. Impossible to do without spilling honey mustard and ranch and shit all over your tits, and then, like, spreading the sauce all around in concentric circles of flavor, really rubbing it deep into your clothes and skin. It's embarrassing to head back to the cube that way, right?

Well these mothereffers at Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen have solved that shit with chicken science, which is one of my top five favorite types of sciences, because now the chicken is a spoon, the sauce is the soup, and your face, well, your face is still your face, but I'm guessing they'll invent a way to improve this process on the receiving end sometime soon. Maybe if, like, they could come up with a Popeyes brand mouth hole that's frozen in the shape of a chicken, sorry, Chick'n, that would work? Just spitballing here, but you can see why I'm not on the development side at a company like this. Not yet anyway.

Tonight in Cambridge: Bodega Sluts and/or Das Racist

You guys. Things to do. If daddy didn't use all his dub-hop-stepping tokens up last night at the Kid Sister ~~disaster~~ show these are the two things I would do and/or not do, depending on whether or not the places they were happening were all the way over yonder, or just past yonder.

Bodega Sluts at the Middlesex Lounge, 35-, $0million dollars, Fp.m.

Woh, that reminds me, what's further away? Yonder, over yonder, just over yonder, or way over yonder? Seems like that would be the order from closest to farthest, right? But I kind of feel like yonder is further than just over yonder, right?

Rumor has it that the Das Racist bros will be broing it up at Cool Ranch tonight after their show, so that's good news for people who are into standing with band dudes in a different room than the room they just stood in with them.

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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

There is no such thing as a conservative thinking person who is also a Political Conservative

Sort of an interesting discussion about my post from yesterday If You Support the Death Penalty You are No Longer Allowed to be a Conservative going on at Street Carnage, where it was cross-posted. What about the fact that it's a state's rights issue, one commenter suggested, meaning that it isn't actually a conflict with conservative thinking? A good point, although the federalization of the death penalty has become a huge problem in the past twenty years, whereby the feds have forced states that don't even have the death penalty as an option to employ it. I asked my go-to guy for reasonable conservative opinions Mint E. Fresh to elaborate a little more on the issue, and, predictably, he provided a lot of interesting points worth considering below. Don't worry, I'll brb with some videos of people doing stupid shit and/or crushworthy retarded music fameballs real soon, I promise.

There is no such thing as a conservative thinking person who is also a Political Conservative.

It’s the states generally who put people to death, so it already is a state's rights issue. I believe the anti-death penalty movement seek, through federal legislation, to strip the states of those powers. And so even though I am anti-death penalty, I am also anti-anti-death penalty.

Complicating the matter as always is the difference between philosophical conservatism and Political Conservatism. Philosophical conservatism is a tendency, whereas Political Conservatism is an evolving quasi-ideology consisting of a list of positions currently supported by the GOP and its media, and stock arguments defending those positions. They have nothing to do with philosophical, or actual, conservatism. These positions (that constitute political conservatism) have accumulated over time but have no real living philosophical connection, because no one questions them, and so they often conflict.

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Monday, September 26, 2011

Sunday, September 25, 2011

If you support the death penalty you are no longer allowed to be a conservative

Imagine if he did actually do it though? Would be pretteee embarrassing for these folks.

I was talking about the Troy Davis murder in Georgia from last week with PTSOTL's resident libertarian Mint E. Fresh, and he made a good point that I think is worth repeating here. Not worth it in the sense, you know, that a single person who disagrees will ever even come close to reconsidering their ill-formed opinion -- just, like, a malevolent little mutant opinion with three fingers on each paw, and hoofs and, and, and hairy claws and, like, one eye, and when you look at it you question the existence of decency in the world -- but worth it in the sense that it gives me satisfaction to reiterate the type of insanity we're up against as reasonable people in the world (not liberals specifically, but reasonable people on the whole).

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Friday, September 23, 2011

IKEACORE: hardcore for overeducated pussies who never actually liked hardcore

BRB WRITING REALLY HEARTFELT LYRICS ABOUT HOW ‘AMAZING’ WORKING CLASS PPL ARE

In this week's installment of 'I Borrow Posts From Stuff You Will Hate Because I'm Lazy' Sergeant D explains what Ikeacore is. See his other stuff on this site here, and go read his site all the time if you hate and/or love music and/or yourself.

My friends mostly fall into two categories: fucked up alcoholics/drug addicts/criminals and overeducated pussies who are too smart for their own good yet somehow never found a way to make any real money. Although in many ways they couldn’t possibly be more different, the common thread is that I know almost all of them through the hardcore scene.

You are probably asking yourself “Hardcore?! What’s hardcore about being a 34 year-old with a pot belly, 1999 Subaru Outback wagon, two kids and making $36,000 a year as a public school teacher??” And you’re right, they’re not hardcore! But despite that, many of these groce betas/chubby girls with Betty Page hair did briefly flirt with hardcore, and that’s where our paths crossed.

IKEACORE (also known as GAINSEVILLECORE and LIBRARIANCORE) is the soundtrack to their lives, because Ikea perfectly represents the lifestyle of highly educated, yet foolish and lazy white people. They wish they could have fancy modernist furniture, but they are dumb idealists who got worthless liberal arts degrees, now have the correspondingly sad paychecks, and all they can afford is Ikea.

While this is obviously a gross simplification and not everybody fits precisely into these neat stereotypes, I think it’s helpful to look at the musical career paths of your typical hardcore bro such as me and compare it to the path of an IKEACORE fggt:

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Thursday, September 22, 2011

Sorry Kreayshawn, Bunny Holiday is my new internet wife

via Bad Kittys

If you read HRO, or have appeared in at least 5 Cobrasnake party pics, or maybe you're just really up on the blippity blop scene in LA for some horrible reason, you'll already probably recognize Bunny Holiday here, aka Unknown Slutwave Lolita, which is the most accurate nickname for a musician ever. You may also know her as my new internet wife. Sorry Kreayshawn, it's not you, it's us.

This could just be my awful taste talking, but this is actually kind of good, right? I mean, not good, good, but absolutely compelling. Seems like all the feminist music bloggers wasted their hate on the Lana del Ray lipinjection-gate last week, complaining that indie is ruined because dude music writers update posts by smashing their dick into the keyboard apparently. Kind of feel like that sort of outage would have been better saved for Ms. Holiday here, because, and I don't think this is going to come as too much of a surprise, there is one very clear reason why I writing about this music-person: I want to have sex with her in my brain hole. If that makes me some kind of fag, then so be it.

Check out four amazing videos after the thing. I'll be in my bunk.

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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I like my beefs like I do my roll. Slowwww

Wait, what changed? Can I still troll for validation from people I barely know? Then I don't really see the problem.

This song is the gorgeous, btw. Listen to it or we're not friends anymore.

Headless Heroes - Hey, Who Really Cares (Jon Hopkins Remix) by Jon Hopkins

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

New Kasabian record: I like it when things sound like other things

I imagine this track from the new Kasabian record is supposed to be riffing off of some mystical Eastern musical mode, because they're a very serious band, and everything is a travesty with these guys or what have you, but as a person with questionable taste, I prefer to think they were actually going for something a little more like this.

Football to the dome always funny

via

Gods help me I didn't expect to laugh at this poor sap taking a football off the dome as hard as I did. I like the part where Boley doesn't even react like he's done anything wrong. If you don't want a football off the grill then you catch it, right? Simple physics.

There's only one way this could have been funnier.

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Monday, September 19, 2011

Game of Thrones, Friday Night Lights, penises, vaginas, stylish people, other words that will make you read this

It's been a minute since I've brain-bored you guys with some of the normal-person-writing I do in the workaday word world, and I've still got a sore penis and/or vagina (/noheteronormativeo) about the Daily Show thing, especially since I watched them win so many Emmys for their brilliant writing last night (where do they get the ideas!?), and I really don't feel like extending the usual bare modicum of creativity it takes to punch up your typical PTSOTL post, so here is like one of those round-up type link deuce things that they do on the internet to such great effect on other sites, with the caveat that most of them have something to do with me. Actually, that's also a caveat I employ whenever I talk to someone in the real world about the topics of conversation I'm comfortable with.

That reminds me, speaking of penises and/or vaginas, remember that Vagina Penis Monster of the sea thing I posted about a while back? In case you've finally stopped shivering at night thinking about it, here's a reminder.

Speaking of speaking of other things I just spoke of, I half-watched most of the Emmys while flipping back and forth between the Eagles and Falcons game (not that a single person cares, but I've got famous dog murderer Michael Vick on my fantasy team, and the game was capping off a woeful day where I went 0 for 7 on the bets I placed omgf why do I bet on football?), and I was pleasantly surprised to see a couple of my favorite shows actually win something.

I'm not sure why it was such a pleasant surprise, considering that the specifics of peer-based accolades amongst television professionals at a pep rally in Hollywood doesn't really have any effect on my life, but logic is for nerds so fuck it. The head writer for Friday Night Lights Jason Katims won for best writing in a drama series, while ultimate dad/coach combo Kyle Chandler won for best actor. <3 U COACH. Although he kind of let the world down by not taking advantage of the giant audience to kick us in our collective pants and stir up some deep-rooted emotions we were barely aware of simmering under the surface by telling us to go out and do our best because we're good young men, dammit. Maybe it was because Katims stole the inspiration thunder by ending his speech with "Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't lose." *cries for ten minutes*

Our man Peter Dinklage, aka The Dink, as I call him in my brain spot, won for his role as Tyrion Lannister in "Game of Thrones." I'm almost finished with the fifth book of the series "A Dance With Dragons," which is depressing for a number of reasons. Did you see that epiode in the first season of "Louie" where he confesses that once his younger daughter finally turns 18, and he's no longer going to be able to think of himself as a father first and foremost, but just some guy, that he'll probably end up killing himself because his reason for living is gone? That's gonna be me in about 200 pages. Fuck.

Speaking of GRRM, here's a pretty lengthy interview John Hodgman conducted with him I've been listening to while writing this, which probably explains why even I've stopped paying attention to what I'm writing at this point.

Here's a thing in today's Boston Globe on the 25 Most Stylish Bostonians, in which I interviewed a few people about their pants. Like this lovely bartender from Cuchi Cuchis.

Yoon S. Byun/Globe Staff

What do you think, are Bostonians stylish, or is it more like, as one of my friends just said, a bunch of guys in suits that don't fit and untucked button-downs with jeans? YOU DECIDE.

on how bars work around the weird laws that cover whether or not they can serve this or that type of liquor. I find that sort of thing pretty fascinating actually, and you might too if you've ever found yourself in a place without a full liquor license.

Here's a link to , so you can go look up literally anything else in the world to read besides this plodding mess.

'The Malls of Dubai' is the apotheosis of internettiness

This video "The Malls of Dubai," made by a nice brown fellow named Rohit, has everything that makes the internet so internetty: awful auto-tuning, super budeget-ass graphic editing chops, confused cultural cross-polination, casual racism (ching-chong China!), a charmingly innocuous dork-star who probably didn't plan on being sucked up into the industrial strength shit-vacuum of lulzy internet culture, and lots of t-shirt changes. So many t-shirts.

As with everything else ever put online, whether it's previous vapid-wave viral hits, the reporting of actual news outlets, or literally every word I've ever personally written, I'm not sure whether or not it's meant to be taken seriously, or if it's just a big fucking joke. Unpacking the layers of cultural complexity here would take an expert in semiotics, which, fortunately, I happen to be. You know how it's funny when you paste something into an online translation program from English to, like, Russian, then translate that into Hungarian, then to Spanish, then back to English? That's what's going on in this video here. Only, like I said, more t-shirts.

Pro-tip: I like the part where he reminds you that walking around the mall takes a long time, so plan ahead.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Get me I'm a writer for the Daily Show apparently

The Daily Show called me a while back about the piece I wrote for Slate "Gym Rat Control: Why is the Planet Fitness chain of health clubs trying to alienate people who love to work out?" Naturally, as a ~~comedy writer~~ ~~obscure blogger~~ hopeless loser I was pretty excited. I spoke with a producer there who loved the piece, and called me to ask for some further information about the story and to share some ideas for people to talk to. I gave her everything I had, all my contacts, and explained why I thought the whole concept was so funny. She was very nice, and thanked me for all my help, and said they'd be in touch if they could use me for anything on the piece. Wow!

Eventually she wrote back to say they weren't going to go ahead with it. Oh well, I thought, at least it seemed like Jon Stewart and his team had read something funny that I wrote and liked it .That was cool enough for me.

Well guess what, turns out I wrote a piece on the Daily Show after all! Except, you know, an uncredited one, as they didn't mention the Slate article, and basically just retold my same jokes. Feels bad. That shit is still going on my resume anyway though.

Thanks for reading,

Luke O'Neil, the Daily Show writer

Watch the video after the jump

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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What does Scarlett Johansson naked have to do with 17th century French philosophy?

via

Francois De La Rochefoucauld, a 17th French author who was hugely important in French literary criticism, and famous for his aphorisms, (which is another way of calling him a beta blogger), once wrote "The shame that arises from praise which we do not deserve often makes us do things we should otherwise never have attempted."

As a person who's had years of smoke blown up my ass for shit I've done that's moderately passable at best, and generally pretty embarrassing the rest of the time, that one really hits home with me. But then again, he also said "A refusal of praise is a desire to be praised twice," so, figure that one out. I think it means I want you to tell me I'm good, but I won't respect you anymore once you do.

Dude was basically a meme factory with this type of shit. It could be contradictory at times though. Check him on the modern day Republican party tip:

"Bodily labor alleviates the pains of the mind and from this arises the happiness of the poor." That means get a job you fucking bum.

But he also had something to say about puffed-up rich fucks who were born on third base and think they scored a touchdown:

"Although men flatter themselves with their great actions, they are not so often the result of a great design as of chance." Luck, not bootstraps, bitches, is what that means. We'd call a guy like that a flip-flopper now.

He predicted the everyone's-a-pithy-comedian-on-Twitter phenomenon with this one: "As it is the characteristic of great wits to say much in few words, so small wits seem to have the gift of speaking much and saying nothing." Although I think he sort of underestimated just how easy it is to be banal in 140 characters or less.

The majority of his work, and I'll be honest, I remember about 5% of it from college, revolved around the idea that *checks Wiki* "everything is reducible to the motive of self-interest."

So, long story short, here are some pictures of Scarlett Johansson naked that I'm posting on this blog so people will come look at it, and leave a comment telling me I'm a good little boy. As De La Rochefoucauld wrote, "A person well satisfied with themselves is seldom satisfied with others, and others, rarely are with them."

NSFW pics after the jump.

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Yuck: LOL via @DinoJr #grunge #9tz

DINOSAUR JR, JR “It’s quite nice, the bands that we’re compared to are good and stuff,” says Yuck’s Daniel Blumberg. “I love those bands.”

I interviewed Daniel out of Yuck in this week's Phoenix. Go check it out there. It wasn't the easiest interview I've ever done trying to get him to be forthcoming, but fuck it, as long as dude can bring the guitar heat on Monday when they play here I don't really care. "Get Away" is still at the top of my list for song of the year. Check out the video for it after the jump if you haven't seen it already.

Somewhere along the line in the history of music journalism, writing about the way a record sounds turned into drawing up a laundry list of predecessor comparisons. Roughly around the time the second rock and roll record was made, I'd guess. It's a problem that's become further convoluted in recent years as the vast well of influence-bait has grown deeper, and we've entrenched ourselves in a postmodern retro morass of referential one-upmanship. The ever-shortening recovery period between the reemergence of music past has led to hash-tag (and headline) criticism. Yuck: LOL via @DinoJr #grunge

That might not be fair. The extremely young, extremely hyped UK indie guitar band Yuck aren't merely grunge revivalists after all. They also seem like they're into shoegaze too...

Read the rest at the Phoenix

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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

If you don't stand for the national anthem at a football game you are a traitor terrorist

painting by Adrian Tans

Football. I really like football. Even more so when it's being played nearly perfectly like my boyfriend Tom Brady did last night. But there are certain things I just can't stomach about the game. I covered a few of them a while back in the this post Sports are violent, athletes are idiots, and fans are boors. Who cares? Sports rule.

Particularly problematic for me is the whole "Professional sports are misogynistic and homophobic and nationalistic" problem, because, to be honest, sports fans, and football fans in particular, are the worst people in the world. Just take a look at this scenario that went down at the New York Jets versus Dallas Cowboys game the other day in New Jersey, when Leroy McKelvey was arrested for using a stun gun on another fan. (On 9/11 by the way. Have you no decency, sirs?)

So far, so boorish and violent, right? But it's the motivation for the fracas that concerns me more. Something called Cliffview Pilot (via Deadspin) has the details.

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Real life Russian Barbie Doll is a metaphor

Seems like transforming yourself into an IRL Barbie doll would require a lot of work vis a vis plastic surgery, hair-coloring, exercise, and, you know, getting up and facing the world every day with that as your life's goal. Probably even harder would be achieving that cold, lifeless look behind the eyes that really sells the illusion. Although being Russian, where that's kind of the default look is pretty much cheating. More pics after the jump. See the original post here.

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Monday, September 12, 2011

'How to Dress Punk. For Girls.'

Oh. Oh no. This woman. This whole thing. Why is she so bad at making words happen? Sergeant D. from Stuff You Will Hate uncovered this gem, and rightfully points out why this video deserves, no, demands your attention. It's so dreadfully ridiculous that it goes all the way around the world, passes through China (no offense), and lands back in the bulls-eye of real talk.

My favorite part is how she contradicts herself in one awkward gaff after another, and yet still someone manage to sell both competing concepts accurately. "You wouldn't be a punk without any...with studs." Exactly. Same thing.

Lots more olds vs. kids after the jump.

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Racist baby: "I dont want to turn black"

In this racist baby's defense, I wouldn't want to wake up one day and turn a different color myself. But that's just because of all the hours I've spent working toward this golden-brownish hue every day in the tanning bed.

Bonus points for dad-trolling. Kids these days need to be fucked with more.

Video via.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Stephen Hawking was a hipster

via

"I was into theoretical physics and quantum gravity back before they blew up. Also that new M83 record is overrated."

Hey, quick question. Has anyone started an Accidental Hipster Physicist Tumblr yet?

Friday, September 9, 2011

STFU Parents and our obsession with baby balls

STFU Parents is one of my favorite sources for daily head-explosions. (I interviewed them about how parents are fucking insane a while back here.) Recently they have been writing a lot about the curious need some parents have to talk about the size of their children's penises in public. Naturally, that made me think about the whole Tom Brady baby penis saga. In fairness though, everything makes me think about Tom Brady's penis.

The point is, we just can't get enough baby dicks! now apparently.

STFUP writes:

This week over at Mommyish my column is about something I’ve discussed several times on the blog before: manhood. And by “manhood” I mean “parents who post about their kid’s junk.” What is it about our society that compels moms and dads to talk about their son’s genitalia? As points out, it would sound pret-ty weird for parents to talk about their daughters in the same way, and yet penis chatter is markedly common.

Whether it’s a photograph, an unexpected incident or just a casual observation that prompts parents to update Facebook about their kid’s package, submissions are ~~popping up~~ showing up in my inbox on the regular. So today I thought I’d unload (ew) some of those submissions for you guys and showcase even more examples of “manhood” topics that parents should just keep offline.

There's some truly ball shriveling stuff posted at the site. Baby-ball shriveling I guess I should say. Baby balls. Can't stop saying that. A couple examples after the jump. Go check out the site for a literally endless supply of embarrassment.

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New Lana Del Rey Video "Blue Jeans"

Chris Isaak is a pussy

There was a surprising explosion of flies out on my back staircase where I keep the recycling bin this week. Could be because I don't wash the trash before I put it out there like a certain female member of the household, am I right fellas? I think it has more to do with the quick change in the temperature this week; it went from summer to 50 degrees all of a sudden, and the fly eggs were awoken from their shitty slumber too early. What the fuck? What time is it? Ugh, well, I'm up now...

That's probably why they were all so over-sized and slow, and sort of buzzing around indifferently like they didn't really want to be there. Kind of like an American tourist, literally anywhere else in the world. It made them surprisingly easy to kill. I took out three or four with a well timed Saucony-assault. That sounds like most of the shows I went to in the 2kz actually.

With one swing I sort of missed, and only ended up stunning one of the flies. Poor dude fell from the sky right into a hidden little spider web tucked beneath the staircase. You've never seen anyone move so fast as this spider, who was probably a very lucky-felling little arachnid for the rest of his short ass spidery spider life. I was both disgusted and fascinated at the speed with which he wrapped up the fly with his web-shooter, then started hauling the body up into his food hole. The circle of life I thought. I'm sorry, little fly, I said, feeling guilty about sending him off to be eaten alive. That's not a good death. I was thinking about it a few minutes later inside before I went back out and did the only honorable thing and smashed the entire buggy world to shit with my giant bear paw of justice. Then I watched this new video from Lana Del Ray.

She likes hip hop and skateboarders, but she sings like a chanteuse in a noir crime novel who has a knife tucked into her garter belt. Like she will pull you in and wrap you up, then devour you whole next to the recycling bin, full of bottles she washed out first, probably, because she's a girl. Anyway, we're all going to die.

Video after the jump.

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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Dude with guitar kicking a giant rhino in the balls in front of a nuclear explosion

via Reddit

It would almost be worth the ensuing nuclear destruction if only something like this, the greatest thing I've ever seen, might actually happen some day. I thought I knew the meaning of LOL, but I was wrong. I knew nothing.

This series below might give it a run for its money, however.

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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

It's called FOREVER

Just invented a new drinking game. Take a drink every time you're in an awkward social situation where you don't like anyone there.

In a related story, more of you bozos should . Because although I don't want to talk to you in person, your validation is still very important to my fragile sense of self.

BOOKS OR GTFO: Outdoor Co-ed Topless Pulp Fiction Appreciation Society

via

This new NYC-based book club is getting a lot of attention online this week, and it's not really hard to figure out why. It's because everyone is really into pulp fiction all of a sudden. Can't get enough pulp fiction, everyone was just saying a few minutes ago.

"How were we supposed to know that our little book club would strike such a chord for so many people?" the Outdoor Co-ed Topless Pulp Fiction Appreciation Society writes on their blog. "As of this morning, more than 100 websites have written about us, and word keeps spreading." Not bad for a blog with something like 4 posts over a week or so.

Maybe it's because of all the b00bs they've got on display? But that doesn't really make any sense either, does it? There is, literally, an infinite supply of tits on the internet. No end to the tits. Just tits falling out of your computer screen all the time like a guy who just looted a tits store and has them spilling out of his pockets and piled so precariously high into a shopping cart of tits that they keep toppling onto the sidewalk as he wobbles away.

There's a crucial difference here, however. These are incongruous tits. Context is everything, you see. Even when it comes to boners.

Boring old sexualized boobs in all of their myriad internet forms just don't have the same appeal that they used to. But when you parachute those boobs, on little boob-sized parachutes, into a seemingly surprising context, then that reinvigorates their boobly-power. They are born anew in a different light. Naked breasts in the general proximity of books? Now that's something worth unbuttoning your pants for. Or at least unbuttoning your brain. This is, after all, not meant to be pornography. It's meant to be a fun group for people who love books. And hate shirts.

As a person who happens to actually still read books -- in fact they're probably my second or third favorite thing in the world after boobs and football -- I appreciate this group's efforts to, what is it, promote reading? Maybe that's it. It's kind of like the old Oprah's Book Club maxim: it may not always be great literature, but at least it's getting people to talk about books. Although in this case, I must admit, the group's blog has sort of had the opposite effect on me. I just looked at the entire thing and I don't think I remember a single word I read. Could've been all the boobs. Here's how they describe themselves anyway, in case you're still reading:

We’re a group of friends, and friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends, and complete strangers, who love good books and sunny days and enjoying both as nearly in the altogether as the law allows. Happily, in New York City, the law allows toplessness by both men and women. So that’s the way we do our al fresco reading. If you’re in New York and the weather’s good, won’t you join us sometime…?

Wish I could. I would love to "read books" with these girls sometime, if you know what I mean. That's not a euphemism. It doesn't even have to be.

More NSFW pics after the jump.

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Friday, September 9, 2011

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Just invented a new drinking game. Take a drink every time you're in an awkward social situation where you don't like anyone there.

In a related story, more of you bozos should . Because although I don't want to talk to you in person, your validation is still very important to my fragile sense of self.

The Ethical Scumbag

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