Saturday, August 10, 2013

How to Kiss a Girl
How to Kiss a Girl 
(via FeedBuzz)
Stand facing her face.
Do not tell her your intentions.
Do not ask permission to kiss her.
Look dreamily into her mouthparts.
Keep your left forepaw on the hilt of your scabbard.
This is a dangerous by-way, one never knows.
You may hold her right scallop peg in your right lobster claw, if you wish.
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Posted by Luke O'Neil at 3:49 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: Feedbuzz, how to do things, kissing

Friday, August 9, 2013

Did I Just Get Scammed by Dunkin Donuts Or What Here?



Being a salt of the Earth, blue collar, hard-working family man who gets into his truck on one leg at a time, and is the fuel that drives the American economy, I'm partial to the milky sugar water at my hometown franchise Dunkin Donuts. But because I'm also an economical sort, I will often eschew a daily visit to my local septuagenarian Armenian social club and hash brown factory here in Watertown, and stock up on K-Cups for use at home. This being New England, of course, I take my coffee like I take my my winters: icey and regular. Also my dick. So I brew the K-Cups directly into a leftover large iced cup that I save for a few days. Granted it makes the coffee a little watery, but what can you do? 

So you can imagine my delight when I saw this package up above in the stack of pods this morning. Sweet! Coffee that's meant to be brewed as ice coffee. I'm not even clear on what the possible difference could be, but I'm not one to turn down a bullshit marketing scam when one is presented to me. I just didn't realize how bullshit it actually was. 
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Posted by Luke O'Neil at 12:30 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: coffee, Dunkin Donuts, scams

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

In the Future, All Cops Will Be Made of Cardboard

In a time when local police departments around the country are outfitting themselves like paramilitary squads and attempting to dispatch flying robots to monitor and potentially assassinate citizens, police in Cambridge, Mass., are looking to a hallmark of the soil-stained past to deal with their local menaces: the scarecrow.

Sort of. The MBTA transit police recently placed a cardboard cutout of an actual police officer at the busy Alewife transit hub long prowled by bike thieves. Weird? The weirdest part is, the scarecrow—or scarepig as some might call it—actually seems to be working.

At any given time, Alewife station can have as many as 2,000 bikes locked up, giving it the highest concentration of bikes, and bike thefts, in the whole MBTA system, says Deputy Chief Robert Lenehan. To cope with the problem, the cops have tried a number of more traditional security methods—a bike cage, a patrolling officer, awareness campaigns with bikers, undercover operations, video cameras—but none worked.

Read the rest at Esquire. 
Posted by Luke O'Neil at 12:21 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: Esquire, police, Uncanny Valley

FAQ: HOW TO HAVE A BEARD


You remember the old bromide about fatherhood, right? Any fool can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father. But did you also know the same is true of growing a beard? A beard, much like a kid, also takes a lot of upkeep and maintenance; perhaps more so, although I'm not a parent myself so this is arguably up for debate. In any case, there's a lot about this most basic rite of manly passage that no one ever explicitly tells you about ahead of time, perhaps owing to that thing I just mentioned about fathering being a magnificent pain in the ass. That's why I'm here, to explain what the Lamestream Beard Media won't tell you.

How do I grow a beard?

Step one: Exist.

Step two: Wait. (Wait times my vary.)

Read the rest at Esquire. 
Posted by Luke O'Neil at 12:18 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: beards, Esquire, my dumb face

The Drunkest State in the Country Isn't What You Think. Here's Why



If someone were to ask you what the most beer-soaked state in the country is, what would you guess? Maybe one with an iconic drinking man’s city? Illinois, or Massachusetts say, home to broad-necked, blue-collar types, or staggering Irishman. Louisiana, perhaps, where the taps flow freely day and night? Maybe Florida, because how else could you stomach living there without a solid, perpetual buzz?

Good guesses all, but it’s actually North Dakota, according to numbers recently released by Bloomberg, who point to the Roughrider State as number one in most beer consumption per capita, at 45.8 gallons a year, and biggest increase in beer consumption from 2011 to 2012, up 9.45%. North Dakota also leads the country in the number of bars per capita, another recent study founds, with one for every 1,620 residents. (For comparison, number 50 Virginia, has one per 64,773). Somewhat more ignobly, the state also shows up regularly at the top of such lists for most binge drinking and teenage drinking.  

Read the rest at Bullett. 
Posted by Luke O'Neil at 12:17 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: beer, drinking, fracking, North Dakota, oil

Friday, August 2, 2013

These Funny Autocorrect Things Aren't Real, Right?

This exists.


Jake Zavracky is the funniest person I've ever met, and I've met Bob Saget. He is also the most handsome and most sexy, and I'm not just saying that because this is actually Jake filling in for Luke who is on his way to Maine. Listen to the single from his new project "Zagittarius and Amanda" here, which would be a number one hit in every country if there was any justice in this world.
It seems like every time I check in on Facebook, which is always a mistake, someone is pointing out how unbelievably hilarious Damn You Autocorrect is. This is a site that posts screen shots of text conversations people send in, in which the iPhone autocorrect thing has changed a word and therefore the meaning of a text, often in a way that yields results that apparently everyone in the world besides me thinks are funny.

Today I added to my endless river of mistakes and went to the site to check out some of these texts which are purportedly so funny that they make people LOL so hard they can't breathe. And one thing that no one seems to be pointing out is that most of them can't be real. Right? They're not real. See if you agree with me here, and don't worry if you don't, because most people usually don't agree with me about most things.


(I'm not sure if this site even claims that these texts are real but I don't feel like spending anymore time researching anything about this.)
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Posted by Jake Zavracky at 1:31 PM 0 comments Links to this post
Labels: "comedy", "Journalism.", "next level shit", "stop snitching", /oysters+vagina joke, 80's stand up comics, 99 Restaurant, Adele
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