PTSOTL: January 2013

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

This Vogue Story Is the Most Shameful #CovetGaze Real Estate Pornalism You’ll Ever Read

In Adage this week, Ken Wheaton has a nifty little lice-biter of a piece about The New York Times being at the forefront of the real estate-based lifestyle troll game. He’s convinced, he writes, that the paper of record “has an Editor-in-Trolling. How else to explain all these 1,000-word pieces featuring New York Times bubble dwellers that so outrage those who can’t stand The New York Times‘ bubble dwellers?” (Here’s my pick for the most New York Timesian Story of All Time, from earlier this summer to get an idea of what he means).

Hold onto your hat though old boy—your moth-bitten, cartoon hobo hat—because Vogue has one-upped the Times at its own game. In a piece from earlier this month called “American Pastoral: Miranda Brooks and Bastien Halard’s Brooklyn Home“, which somehow fell through the cracks in my news reader/the actual cracks in the structure of the awful home/boxcar I live in until today (via not being a shitty person/a self-flagellating aspirational poor), Chloe Malle has written the Platonic ideal of the type of #covetgaze, troll game real estate pornalism Wheaton is talking about. Let’s learn to hate its subject, its author, and ourselves all a little bit more, shall we? Read the rest.

The Only Thing Douchier Than the Entourage Movie Are Jokes About How Douchey Entourage Is

“Well, you got what you wanted; an Entourage Movie,” Adrien Grenier , sounding more like a passive aggressive scorned lover than a film actor announcing a movie. He was talking to fans of the HBO show, but he might as well have been talking to hacky joke writers, because, did you happen to know that that one show Entourage about a group of fictional douchey bros is often appreciated by IRL douchey bros? Allow me to direct you to the past few billion mentions of it online for reference in case you missed it. The only thing douchier than Entourage at this point is making a joke about how douchey Entourage is. Did you also happen to know that one popular rock band Nickelback isn’t very hip? Fresh takes. Read the rest.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Macklemore is Number One! White Men Win Again!

Jake Zavracky is back with this week's installment of the hot 100 something something music jokes thing.

A couple of weeks back, I predicted with alarming accuracy the rise up the Hot 100 of pasty Seattle rapper Macklemore's retro hip hop banger "Thrift Shop." Don't bother going back to check the veracity of that statement, just take my word for it. It is only a matter of time until everyone has an urgent need to know what I think about everything, even more so than they already do. Luckily my opinion will be available for all right here on a weekly basis. Here is your weekly rundown of the top 5 of Billboard's Hot 100.

5. Taylor Swift "I Knew You Were Trouble"

I knew this song was trouble when I first heard it because it isn't very good but that it also was destined to stay in the top 5 for forever just to piss me off. It's a gigantic fucking mess, the production is all over the place, the verse and the chorus sound like they're from different songs to the point where I'm starting to think they actually were from different songs and they were just cut and pasted together "Strawberry Fields Forever"-style.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Women can't serve in combat because 'personal hygiene' is 'humiliating' says retired general

via

I'm not a military expert or anything, but what I've gathered through a modicum of common sense/basic reasoning ability, is that when you're in a combat unit, one of the things you're probably most worried is getting fucking killed, not who's going to see you make #2 in the potty. I'm not a retired general, however, so what do I know? That's what Lt. Gen. Jerry Boykin told Chris Wallace on Fox News this morning (via Crooks and Liars).

Women in combat isn't the issue, he says, as they've been in combat for a long time, it's just that, well, pooping is awkward, and there's just no way to overcome the world-altering revelation that girls do it too. How you going to go back out there and fight for freedom or whatever once you've smelled a girl's poop, Boykin, who I can guarantee has never performed cunnilingus in his life, asked.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Here’s the New York Post with the Most Sexist Headline of the Year

Just a reminder, ladies, that you may graduate from Wellesley, then Yale Law School, become one of the most powerful and influential lawyers in the country, then the First Lady of the United States, then a U.S. Senator from New York, come this close to being the Democratic nominee for president yourself, and ultimately serve as the Secretary of State, but you’ll always be a woman — an emotional, unhinged, woman.

The New York Post‘s cover today trumpets: “No Wonder Bill’s Afraid Hillary explodes with rage at Benghazi hearing”, because, as previously stated, Hillary Clinton, lawyer, Senator, Secretary of State etc etc is still primarily defined in the shitty, small worldview of one of the most widely read newspapers in the biggest city in the country, by her relationship to her husband.

Read the rest

Michael Ian Black: The Least Funny Person on Twitter

Welp, Mr. Ian Black retweeted this to a couple million people and then . Mission accomplished? On the plus side, Meghan McCain said "fuck that guy" about me on Twitter, which, if I'm being honest, gave me a little pre-bone situation.

Twitter, it is often said, is a meritocracy. There’s no feigning the raw data of RTs and ☆s (). It’s a conservative’s utopia of Horatio Alger-style bootstrapping and elbow-grease achievement, whereby one’s hard work in the content mines is inevitably, and justly, rewarded with a gradually increasing market share of followers. But much like in the real world, once you’ve accumulated enough capital, you no longer have to work for it anymore, and you simply watch the dividends of your portfolio expand. You end up with a situation where your achievements of the past continue to appreciate in value long after you’ve contributed anything meaningful to the marketplace. In other words, the Twitter career of comedian .

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

New ReviewerCard Service Further Empowers Horrible Yelpers, Losers

If there’s one thing that both professional critics and restaurants and hotels alike can agree upon, it’s that you’re an idiot. Well, maybe not you specifically, unless of course you’re an avid user of Yelp or Trip Adviser or other such sites, the internet services that have revolutionized the passive-aggressive tattling-based consumer entitlement interaction model. A new start up from a California man named Brad Newman, (with, you will be in no way surprised to learn, an extremely punchable face), aims to take that relationship to the next level.

Read the rest

Beyoncé Lip-Synced the National Anthem/Nothing Is Real

Remember how excited and full of hope we were yesterday during the inauguration? And how the magic of the pageantry was capped off by a stunning by mellismatician in chief Beyoncé? Remember the Twitter jokes?

Read the rest.

An interview with The Mekkits, Manchester's 'beaming jug of sparkling fun'

photo by Anna Hardy

Our man in England Patrick Kay spoke with Manchester's The Mekkits amidst a snow-storm that was shutting down the country. That's cute how they do snow over there.

The Mekkits! make pop music in the most joyful, descriptive sense of the word. Their music blends ska, folk, and the the smiliest strains of 60s rock into a beaming jug of sparkling fun. Their awesome 2012 album Pompeii/ Vesuvius is a double-length offering dealing with universal themes of humanity and nature

Forged in the early 00s when the lads met at university in the north of Wales, they’re now based in Manchester. I sat down with James (guitar/ trumpet/keys) to discuss sea shanties, songwriting and Manchester’s bloody miserable weather.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Monday, January 21, 2013

Amazingly Homophobic Daily News Headline from 1969 Stonewall Raid

President Obama referenced the 1969 Stonewall Riots in his inauguration speech today, alongside Seneca Falls and Selma, other important moments in equality in the country's history. Here's the headline from the Daily News reporting on the raid that prompted the riots (), and here's the Daily News a few decades later when gay marriage was legalized in New York. Maybe things are getting better? Weird.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Which NFL Playoff City Has the Best Musical History: Boston, SF, Baltimore or Atlanta?

I was watching the 49ers game last weekend, and, as a city does when they've got a nationally televised party to throw and they know they're having fancy company over, they broke out the good musical china to perform the National Anthem. In this case it was back-pocket blow-dryer rockers Huey Lewis and the News. Being from Boston, I was a little surprised to realize that there's an entire alternative universe out there called "San Francisco" where, it turns out, Huey Lewis and the News is actually their version of Aerosmith. Woh. I wonder what it would have been like to grow up in that utopia?

Naturally, it got me thinking about the respective musical histories of either city, as well as the other two cities left in the NFL playoff picture going into this weekend, Atlanta and Baltimore. I wondered, for example, who Atlantans trot out as their musical grandpas coming out of retirement to carve the metaphoric turkey once a year before shuffling them back off to the recliner. Sadly, in Boston, ours actually still play an active role; Aerosmith and Pepsi collaborated, or conspired, rather, to release the official anthem of the Patriots this season. This was in the year 2012, mind you.

And because this is about the NFL, where there can only be one winner, I figured we should take a look at which of the four cities has the proudest tradition of music, enlisting the aid of music writers from each, because that seems like the type of a thing a website would conceivably do now. And, for the record, most of these dudes admitted to not really caring about football, which, come on guys, perpetuating music nerd stereotypes like that isn't healthy for anyone.

Read the rest at the Village Voice.

She lost a womb but gained a penis

via

I know there's still a lot of time left for someone to beat this lede from the Toronto Star in the "worst sentence of the year" category, but I'm pretty confident the race is effectively over.

She lost a womb but gained a penis.

Somehow, against all odds, it gets even worse once it's further explained.

The former was being removed surgically — full hysterectomy — while the latter was forcibly shoved into her slack mouth.

"Her slack mouth"? *shivers for a thousand years under a blanket of shame* Who wrote this story, Max Hardcore? Jesus Christ. It was actually written, I'm just as surprised to learn as you, by a woman,Rosie DiManno. Naturally, her Canadian media colleagues .

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Friday, January 18, 2013

This Week's Top 5 of the Hot 100 Is Surprising, Also, Not Surprising

Jake Zavracky returns for another analysis of this week's top of the Hot 100. Find out if his own music is any good by listening to it here.

5. Rihanna - "Diamonds"

Rihanna remains in the top 5 this week with "Diamonds", and the song remains the only song in the top 5 that doesn't sound like 11 different people wrote it. In this case, "only" 4 people wrote it - Benny Blanco, Sia, and the production team known as StarGate, who are two Norwegian guys who have produced every song to hit the top ten for the last 7 years and who are also probably responsible for the song sounding subtly Norwegian. Norwegians are very subtle after all. They're not going to come out and hit you over the head with their Norwegian-ness. They're going to slowly subvert your American way of life, until you suddenly find one day you're constantly eating lingonberries, wearing black eye makeup, and saying things that sound a little sad and that don't really make any sense when translated into English.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The One Sports Story You’ll Care About All Year: Notre Dame Star Gets Catfished

I know sports isn’t exactly priority number one around here, but if there’s one sports story you’ll care about all year it’s this one. It’s got it all: a handsome hero, intrigue, ~~sword-fighting~~, ghost girlfriends, skullduggery, the media looking stupid, cover ups, Hawaiian Mormons, which I never knew was a thing until now, and the biggest football player in the sky: Jesus.

A Notre Dame football star was apparently the victim of a Catfish-style hoax, and everyone is freaking out about it. For good reason too, it’s super weird.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

This Megan Fox Feature in Esquire Is Pretty Weird, Right?

For years, Stephen Marche’s column has been one of my favorite parts of Esquire, often the first thing I’d read after ripping out all of the perfume inserts like an obsessive compulsive maniac. His interview this month with boner monolith Megan Fox was not one of those times.

“Deep in her house, Megan Fox and I are discussing human sacrifice,” he begins, “deep in her house” being only the first of many poon-minded euphemisms in an article full of them.

“I tell her about an Aztec ritual practiced five hundred years ago in ancient Mexico during the feast of Toxcatl, when the Aztecs picked a perfect youth to live among them as a god. He was a paragon, beautiful and fit and healthy, with ideal proportions.”

Which, okay. Who among us hasn’t found ourselves trying to impress an attractive acquaintance with all of the arcane trivia we know? I know things, we say. I’m aware of the world, we say. Wouldn’t it be a richer place, this world, to share it with someone like me, knowing, as I do, all of these things about it, we say. Read the rest.

‘Accidental Vagina’ eBay Dress Brings In Bids of £150,000

You can buy almost anything on eBay, except for vaginas, which, actually maybe you can, I don’t use eBay or vaginas that much, but I’m guessing that sort of thing is frowned upon. One thing you apparently can put a price on, however, is accidental vagina, which everyone knows is typically valued at 5-7 times going expected vagina rates. But would you pay £150,000 for a chance to have a dress that dangled occasionally in the vicinity of a vagina? Like, one you have specific intel on? Verified vagina, that is to say, like the one belonging to the unknowing and/or savvy lady behind this quickly viral eBay listing today in which she was kind enough to throw in a fanny pack as part of the whole deal? Hard to say. I wouldn’t, personally, but I’m not a crazy person. Read the rest.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Finally, Solid Evidence That Climate Change Is Real

Waltham (basically)

Yeah, yeah, Science and whatever, but where's the real actionable intelligence from the boots on the ground that climate change is a real thing? Facts you can have a beer with. We may have just found them. The city of Waltham (just outside Boston), have lifted the winter-long parking ban that many cities and towns in the area institute from the end of November until spring. Why? Snow doesn't happen anymore.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Journalism Is Dead Again, The Atlantic’s Scientology Advertorial Problem

Soon after publishing a piece of sponsored content from the Church of Scientology on its website, The Atlantic, one of the last, thriving, respected brands in the world of online journalism, have removed it amid an uproar from media critics and readers. The post, (now down, but which you can see ) was designed to appear like any other bit of news on the site, and readers who didn’t notice the Sponsored Content button toward the top of the page may well have been tricked into thinking they were reading an editorial from the staff. Not particularly astute readers, sure, but the point remains.

That’s the essence of sponsored content — or, as its called, in a grossly ball-shivering bit of neologizing around The Atlantic, “native advertising”; it’s meant to play on the assumption that a harried reader will stumble into it like a wordy bear trap in the thicket. It’s a common practice print that has been smuggled into the revenue-generating blueprints of popular sites like Gawker and Buzzfeed as well. In print, however, there’s often a different type-set, or even quality of paper used in the advertorials — on the web it’s a lot easier to fit the Trojan Horse through the gate. Read the rest

Monday, January 14, 2013

If blacks had exercised their 2nd ammendment rights maybe they wouldn't have been slaves?

I have to be honest, I'm not going to lie to you here, I am shooting the straight dope, right into my bulging, tied-off vein of justice, when I tell you that I really, truthfully, sincerely, and in all other ways did not think I would live to hear a stupider pro-gun argument than this one from Former National Rifle Association president Marion Hammer who said that gun control legislation was the same thing as racism. Just didn't think it was possible. In this matter, as in all things regarding the right, their hypocrisy knows no bounds *dies of tuberculosis awesomely* Step aside Hammer, step the fuck down, just move right over there for a minute, because a shittier person than even you has something to say, said be-shitted person being chairman of Gun Appreciation Day Larry Ward, who told CNN (via Raw Story) that he started the definitely-not-trolling-hate-day to "honor the legacy of Dr. King."

Chop your fucking jaw off right now with a hatchet, or, like, failing that, fall face-wards onto the edge of the coffee table, jaw-wise, because the point is your jaw is hanging off at the end of this next paragraph anyway, so just cut to the chase. Sayeth Ward:

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

The 'Girls in Music' Problem Is Solved

I was reading a bit of news on the Boston Phoenix today about our man Richard Bouchard, (formerly of Boston Band Crush, and an erstwhile PTSOTL contributor), taking over local booking duties for the Central Square club TT the Bear's today, and that was nice for everyone involved wasn't it? But this being the internet, some idiot had to parachute into the middle of the discussion to hammer their own non sequitur agenda into the mix. Normally one looks at a comment on a blog post and says "Oh." then goes back about their normal routine, but this is something I see expressed a lot regarding music in the year 2013, and I think it's time we put this lie to bed.

Bouchard is quoted as saying he wanted to "match up young bands with older guys that maybe haven't played there in a while..."

"AND LADIES, hopefully!" chimed in a commenter.

Setting aside the fact that guys is largely taken to be a gender neutral term (for better or worse), is it really that difficult to find women in music these days, particularly in Boston? Boston has one of the proudest traditions of women in bands of any city I can think of, something that's influenced new generations of bands, (and gotten help for the future in no small part, to the efforts of groups like the Girls Rock Camp). Quick, when was the last time you even heard of a popular/indie/or local music act that didn't have at least, like, one hundred women in it? This issue has been solved. Next?

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

No Pants Subway Ride Harnesses Ass-Power of World’s Youth (Photos)

brb, minding the gap. (via)

It was No Pants Subway Ride on Sunday, or, as I like to call it, International Subway Pervert Creepshot Free Pass Christmas. (See what I mean?) It’s the annual something or other started by the group Improv Everywhere that sets out to change the way we look at one thing or another by harnessing the most efficient natural resource in the urban 20-something ecosystem: ass-power.

Read the rest.

The Six Most Evil Looks From Taylor Swift at the Golden Globes

Here’s Taylor Swift Taylor Swifting Adele in her mind grapes after losing to the British “new mum” in the best song category. #swiftboating ()

Read the rest.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Everybody's Talking About This Week's Top 5 Of The Hot 100

PTSOTL popular music correspondent Jake Zavracky is back with a new column about this week's top of the Hot 100. Check out his own album "Narcissus In A Room Full Of Mirrors" here.

5. Justin Beiber and Nicki Minaj - "Beauty and a Beat"

"Sweetheart, we're going to party like it's 3012 tonight!"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, go crazy... like it's 3012! Woo hoo!"

"What's so great about 3012? That's like a thousand years from now. We'll all have been dead for a long time by then."

"It's like saying party like it's 1999, but instead it's 3012! Time to party!!"

"1999 was on the cusp of a new millenium. It happened within our lifetime. 3012 is completely out of our reach. How would we go about partying like it's 3012 anyway? Should we rip our skin off and be skeletons? Because that's what we'll be in 3012."

"I just wanted to have a good time tonight, you know. Like they do in 3012."

"Yeah I'm sure they really know how to party a thousand years from now.....Hey how long have we been going out for now? I feel like I should have lost interest in you by now."

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

15 (Hipster) Albums That An Imaginary Strawman Construct (Hipsters) Love (Hipsterly)

“Often driven by creative and forward-thinking aesthetics above all else, hipsters and music snobs are often one and the same,” claims this slideshow from Pigeons and Planes, reinforcing a concept that you’ve seen repeated ad infinitum online, namely, that the act of being, or becoming, a “hipster” requires an exclusionary mode of thinking about music. You’ll often hear people complaining about “hipsters” and their judgmental taste, and looking down on others for their own, more pedestrian enjoyment of recorded musical sounds in listicles like this. Allow me, as an old person, to assure you that this has never happened once to anyone in the world past the age of, say, 24 years old. No one cares what music you like in the real world. You like something I don’t? That’s weird, but alright, let’s go yell into eachother’s faces at this burrito store anyway. That’s how life works outside of the list-based boogieman myth.

That said, we’ve all got hungry click fields to sow, so let’s take a look at a few of their picks for 15 Albums That All Hipsters Love, because it beats thinking about how poor Ben Affleck is dealing with his horrible misfortune over , or Fox News . Some of them are good! Some are the other thing.

Read the rest at Bullett.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A Handy Guide To Help Determine Whether or Not Your Band Tattoo Is Awful (Spoiler: It Is)

Last week the Daily News broke the story about New York Jets coach Rex Ryan's tattoo, a Lost-like Easter egg pregnant with allegory and symbolism that held all the clues to the mysteries of the Jets woeful season on bungling purgatory island. It was, in case you missed it, an image of his wife wearing the jersey of on-again off-again quarterback Mark Sanchez.

After spending the entire weekend alternating between tears of laughter and gleeful schadenfreude (go Brady!), the inky taste transgression reminded me of one of the cardinal rules for tattoos in music--aka sports for skinny people--which I like to call the "don't get high on your own supply" corollary. In other words, just like you don't get a tattoo of your own professional sports team (because it's a fickle business and things change quickly) or of your girlfriend's name (ditto), you definitely don't get a tattoo of your own band. Why? Because your band is going to break up and you are going to hate everyone in it. This is not up for debate. ("Wino-na Judd Forever" would be a pretty sick tat though, if anyone in Nashville is looking for ideas).

That's only the tip of the inky iceberg, of course. There are as many ways to be bad at tattoos in music as there are to be bad at music itself. As Tolstoy said, "All good tattoos are good in the same way. All bad band tattoos are stupid. Also, what's a band tattoo?"

Here are a few of our favorites from bands and fans alike, from the off-centered and the ill-considered, to the horrifyingly demonic, and the confoundedly bone-headed.

Read the rest at the Village Voice.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

New David Bowie single is an ode to Berlin, aging, vulnerability

PTSOTL music correspondent Jake Zavracky is a big Bowie fan. Here he is on the new single.

"Had to get the train from Potzdamer Platz/You never knew that/that I could do that/just walking the dead" begins Bowie's new single "Where Are We Now". With that line, Bowie shatters his previous record for fastest time to what the fuck is he talking about.

But wait! Unlike most of Bowie's previous catalog, the song does turn out to make sense lyrically, and it comes together in a beautiful and slightly unsettling way.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Photo Dump: Cocktails, DIIV, Sky F, Japandroids, Christmas cheer, Diarrhea, hobo stew + more

First taste at @steelandrye : Bourbon, Cocchi Torino, sherry, Allspice Dram; Sazerac; High West rye. Almost like a briney pickle to this rye. Super cool space.

Hey look, I found the least appealing streetside bar advertisement ever in this giant fishbowl of colored hobo stew.

MY SECRET SANTA GOT ME DIARRHEA FOR CHRISTMAS <3

OCCASIONALLY SOFTEN YOUR PERSONAL BRAND BY REMINDING PEOPLE YOU AREN'T JUST A DICKHEAD ON THE INTERNET, BUT ALSO A DICKHEAD WITH A FAMILY.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Monday, January 7, 2013

Shitty Videos Reconsidered: Limp Bizkit's "Nookie"

Many popular videos are instantly dismissed upon their release and used as a joke crutch for the rest of time. That's not very nice you guys. The Visceralist has a soft spot for lulz-wave classic "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit. More from him here.

As aggravating as it is to everyone involved, sometimes you're right to be preemptively defensive about your personal tastes. Some unpopular things are fucking worth it. Limp Bizkit isn't one of these things, but I'll be goddamned if they don't make for a decent bloggy cudgel in this regard. And yeah, we all know, dude throws the same "and I'm the only one..." cadence in every song, but damn, this North-Florida bolo found a way to make millions off that shit. And you mad. So here's why you're wrong, as evidenced by a fantastic analysis of the video for their best song, "."

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15 Reasons Why People Who Read Thought Catalog Move to New York City

via Thought Catalog

It’s no secret that Thought Catalog, the blog game Thought Catalog, is one of my daily must reads, which is why I was so excited to dig into this new post today called , for which the above picture (via Thought Catalog) of a Thought Cataloger taking a photo of another Thought Cataloger pulling his bike over and taking a photo of the city from a distance for his own personal thought catalog serves as the the most accurately chosen image header I’ve ever seen. Up until now I thought the only reason people moved to New York City was to generate thoughts to catalog, but apparently there is a lot more to it, 15 whole things worth in fact. Let’s take a look at a few of them, shall we?

1. We’re masochists. We doll ourselves up every night for a city that’s just going to end up giving us a black eye anyway. It’s our glamorous version of a bad boyfriend.

He’s not kidding. According to the Mayor’s Office to Combat Domestic Violence “Police responded to 257,813 domestic violence incidents in 2011; this averages to over 700 incidents per day.” That’s a potential for 1,400 black eyes. We were asking for it though, so fair game, city.

2. We weren’t content living our life somewhere else. We saw what it would’ve been like if we stayed put and we got scared, real scared. (If you grew up in NYC, you probably still live here because the city has made you unfit for anywhere else. It’s as if New York peed all over you when you were born and marked its territory. The little bitch!)

Pretty sure they have Word Press and musings in all of the other cities, but I haven’t got the numbers handy, so maybe I’m off there.

Read the rest.

A Super Cute/Weird Interview with Morrissey and His Fans on MTV from 1992

The charming aspects of this interview between Morrissey and some fans on MTV in 1992 are self-explanatory (via Dangerous Minds). Even better than his awkward answers (he is trying though, he really is) is the 9tz fan porn going on in the background. Also John Norris’ shirt.

A couple notes...

Read the rest.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

The Stupidest Pro-Gun Argument You’ve Ever Heard From the Worst Person in the World

I know we’re wont to engage in hyperbole here on the internet, where everything is the stupidest and worst thing we’ve ever seen until we glance over at the next thing which promptly grasps the torch and runs, Olympian-like, on unto the sunset—the stupid, stupid sunset—but this time I really mean it. Former National Rifle Association president Marion Hammer, , (seen above playing Lazer Cats), says a proposed ban on assault weapons from Senator Dianne Feinstein is racist against guns. Read the rest.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Referring to womens' hair color like it denotes a species

I had always sort of assumed that this was kind of an outmoded practice, this being the year 2013 and all, but somehow, against all odds, this is still something you see all over the place because, hahaha, we all still fucking hate women so, so much don't we? "I'm totally into brunettes." "Redheads, man, am I right?"

Oh really? Is that an actual type of person? One with a certain hue of the rainbow floating on top of their skull? Sounds like solid science to me. Are you super into chicks with magenta eyes and burnt sienna earlobes too?

You see this type of thing most frequently on the shittiest lotion-fisted bro internets in posts like Redheads continue to be my favorite addiction (38 Photos). What the fuck is this follicular-bigot shit? You know you sound like a serial killer whose mom didn't buy him the full 64 color box of crayons as a kid right? Women are not action figures or special edition magazine covers where you need to collect one of each kind to complete the set. And while we're here, let's just send out a general reminder that you are never, ever, to refer to a race or culture of people that you either are or are not attracted to unless you want to be called out for what you really sound like: a racist, sexist neckbeard whose most frequent experience interacting with different types of people in the world comes from clicking on the various genre tags a the bottom of porn videos.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

This week's top 5 songs in the hot 100 are good and also bad and sometimes both

Did you know that the songs on the Hot 100 charts are sometimes good and/or bad? Jake Zavracky has been tracking them for us. Here's this week's things that musically exist harder than others.

5. "Beauty and a Beat" - Justin Bieber feat. Nicki Minaj

Justin Bieber seems to enjoy hanging around in his own head which explains why his voice seems to originate from somewhere inside his nose. It is very difficult to tell whether the Biebs can actually sing or if he goes into a trillion dollar studio, sings one note at a time, and his producers then auto-tune and cut and paste together each word to form a complete sentence. This process is repeated to form enough lines to make a complete song; in this case the masterpiece that is "Beauty and a Beat".

"We gonna party like it's 3012 tonight" Bieber sings. How exactly one would go about partying like it's 1000 years from now when we'll all be dead is never revealed.

There is something about auto-tune that is very pleasing to the ear if the melody stays basically static, which is why you hear so many songs on the radio where the melody always seems to hover around the same note (see every song ever written by will.i.am). This makes sense because it's letting a robot be a robot. It is a great device for people like the Biebs and Britney Spears, while people like Beyonce and Adele don't seem to rely on it much due to the fact that they can actually sing. One wonders when the American record buyer will tire of this formula and begin saying things like "Hey what happened to when the pop charts had people like Tina Turner and Stevie Nicks and Bowie and Jagger and Annie Lennox who actually sounded like they wanted to sing the songs they were singing? Let's have more of that".

I say this all at the risk of sounding like the oldest man ever invented. Too late.

READ THE REST OF THE THING>>

Link Dump: Jay-Z and Gwyneth, Girls' Generation, Skrillex Gets Real + Being Fat Forever

6 Things Less Cool Than Gwyneth Paltrow Dancing at a Jay-Z Show

Hey everyone, famous middle-aged actress Gwyneth Paltrow danced on stage while her husband, famous middle-aged singer Christ Martin performed with other famous middle-aged singer Jay-Z at their concert on New Year’s Eve the other night. It was so embarrassing and a , (such as it is). Not even her kids thought she was cool enough to dance with! LOL. Just like a mom.

Not very cool, I think we can all agree on this opinion. Although, if you think about it, the only thing less cool than Gwyneth Paltrow dancing at a Jay-Z show might be expecting a Jay-Z concert to be a place where something cool might happen in the first place. Read the rest.

Skrillex Finally Makes a ‘Real’ Dubstep Track with ‘Leaving’

DJ nerds complained for so long that Skrillex's version of dubstep didn't sound enough like the 'real' thing that he just said fuck it and made a Burial track. Read the rest.

Science: Being Kind of Fat Makes You Live Longer

Good news fatties, because science just ordered another plate of chicken wings for the table. A new study published yesterday in the Journal of the American Medical Association analyzed data from 97 studies on 3 million people in countries throughout the world, and found that being overweight, even slightly obese, made the subjects live longer than their more fuckable counterparts. In so many words, anyway. Keep in mind I’m not a doctor, or even really a reputable source of medical information, so it’s important to take these things with a grain of salt, particularly coming in the form of a big bag of Cheezits, because those things are magic live forever fuel it turns out. Read the rest.

The Top One Songs of 2013

I’ve taken a sober and reflective listen to all of the music I liked from over the course of 2013 and narrowed down the top song of the year to this track “I Got A Boy” from South Korean K-poppers Girls’ Generation. Granted, it’s the only song I could find that came out so far this year, but I’m comfortable just phoning this one in and taking the rest of the year off. Read the rest.

Pages

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Only Thing Douchier Than the Entourage Movie Are Jokes About How Douchey Entourage Is

Monday, January 28, 2013

Macklemore is Number One! White Men Win Again!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Women can't serve in combat because 'personal hygiene' is 'humiliating' says retired general

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Michael Ian Black: The Least Funny Person on Twitter

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

New ReviewerCard Service Further Empowers Horrible Yelpers, Losers

Beyoncé Lip-Synced the National Anthem/Nothing Is Real

An interview with The Mekkits, Manchester's 'beaming jug of sparkling fun'

Monday, January 21, 2013

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Friday, January 18, 2013

Thursday, January 17, 2013

This Megan Fox Feature in Esquire Is Pretty Weird, Right?

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Monday, January 14, 2013

Friday, January 11, 2013

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Monday, January 7, 2013

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Friday, January 4, 2013

Thursday, January 3, 2013

This week's top 5 songs in the hot 100 are good and also bad and sometimes both

The Ethical Scumbag

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