PTSOTL popular music correspondent Jake Zavracky is back with a new column about this week's top of the Hot 100. Check out his own album "Narcissus In A Room Full Of Mirrors" here.
5. Justin Beiber and Nicki Minaj - "Beauty and a Beat"
"Sweetheart, we're going to party like it's 3012 tonight!"
"What do you mean?"
"You know, go crazy... like it's 3012! Woo hoo!"
"What's so great about 3012? That's like a thousand years from now. We'll all have been dead for a long time by then."
"It's like saying party like it's 1999, but instead it's 3012! Time to party!!"
"1999 was on the cusp of a new millenium. It happened within our lifetime. 3012 is completely out of our reach. How would we go about partying like it's 3012 anyway? Should we rip our skin off and be skeletons? Because that's what we'll be in 3012."
"I just wanted to have a good time tonight, you know. Like they do in 3012."
"Yeah I'm sure they really know how to party a thousand years from now.....Hey how long have we been going out for now? I feel like I should have lost interest in you by now."
4. The Lumineers - "Ho Hey"
"Ho. Hey. Ho. Hey."
"What?"
"Ho. Hey."
"What do you want?"
"Ho. Hey."
"Stop saying that."
"Ho. Hey."
"Oh I get it. You're trying to annoy the hell out of me."
"Ho. Hey."
"It won't work"
"Ho. Hey."
"It won't work"
"Ho. Hey."
"Well I don't know how much longer you think I'm going to endure this for, but it's getting intolerable."
"Listen I don't have to stand here and be taunted like some schoolchild."
"Ho. Hey."
"OK I'll talk to you later when you've decided to act like an adult."
3. Rihanna - "Diamonds"
"Honey, we're beautiful like diamonds in the sky."
"Yeah. Wait.... how do you mean?"
"I mean you and I, we're beautiful. Like diamonds."
"Yeah but you said diamonds 'in the sky'. That was the point I was looking for clarification on."
"Why do you need clarification?"
"Because there are no diamonds in the sky."
"You know what I mean. Like stars."
"Well then just say stars then. Or just say we're beautiful like diamonds in the display case at Kay Jewelers or something."
"It was a metaphor."
"It's not a metaphor. A metaphor would be like if you said 'diamonds are like stars in the sky'. You'd have to say 'we're beautiful like diamonds which are like stars in the sky' for it to make sense."
"Well I was about to fellate you but I guess I won't now. You've ruined it."
2. Taylor Swift - "I Knew You Were Trouble"
"I feel like spoken word is the way to go here. Yes that's it, spoken word. Right at the beginning. For 2 minutes. You've done it again, Taylor - you genius! I am a genius aren't I? I am! I must be a genius at something, I'd have to be to make as much money as I make. And I don't see why people won't want to watch a video with my innermost thoughts being spoken for the first two minutes of it. Nobody at the label said it was a bad idea! Everyone seems like they're on board. Surely if anyone was going to tell me anything negative about something I do it would be them, right?"
"I feel like spoken word is the way to go here. Yes that's it, spoken word. Right at the beginning. For 2 minutes. You've done it again, Taylor - you genius! I am a genius aren't I? I am! I must be a genius at something, I'd have to be to make as much money as I make. And I don't see why people won't want to watch a video with my innermost thoughts being spoken for the first two minutes of it. Nobody at the label said it was a bad idea! Everyone seems like they're on board. Surely if anyone was going to tell me anything negative about something I do it would be them, right?"
1. Bruno Mars - "Locked Out of Heaven"
"Baby, you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven for too long."
"What do you mean? Is that supposed to good?"
"Yeah! Of course! I'm just saying, you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven for too long."
"Does that mean you've been waiting outside heaven and I'm the one that's been keeping you out of it?"
"No! It's just poetry baby!"
"Are you trying to say that being with me is heaven? Because that's not the same thing as saying that I make you feel like you've been locked out of heaven."
"Come on baby, it's just words! You're over-thinking it."
"Well just say something less convoluted that I don't have to think about then! It doesn't sound like a good thing to me, to be locked out of heaven for too long. As if I'm the person that put you in that situation. Do I make you feel like you're in some sort of purgatory, is that what you mean? I'm keeping you in purgatory?!? Because you didn't say I made you feel like you were IN heaven, but you DID imply that I'm the person keeping you out of it. So maybe you can find someone who makes you feel like you've been let IN to heaven to go to the Cheescake Factory with tonight!"
Next week: Will the top 5 ever change or will it be almost exactly the same for the remainder of 2013? Tune in to find out?
--JAKE ZAVRACKY
Next week: Will the top 5 ever change or will it be almost exactly the same for the remainder of 2013? Tune in to find out?
--JAKE ZAVRACKY
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3 comments:
Love this!!!! I'll be checkig back for new ones this week :)
Nice of Jake's mom to check in.
Yo Jake, "diamonds are like stars in the sky" ain't a metaphor, neither.
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