Thursday, March 31, 2011

Cut Copy are the most important band in the world



This just happened in the Phoenix via my fingers and brain. Go read it there, and the rest of the music coverage, because it's a total thing, including my man Michael's piece on South by South Wasted and the always hilar+tru Big Hurt column.

Talking about rock and dance music as if they were entirely separate entities is weird, because in the early years, they were essentially the same thing. In fact, dancing is one of the only two real reasons for music to exist; the other is to let everyone know you're better than they are. Music is also for making babies. Okay, so three things.


When rock and roll was invented, it would have been ridiculous not to dance to it — kids weren't stroking their chin whiskers and pontificating over Chuck Berry lyrics. But in the intervening decades, popular music has fragmented into a thousand shards of specificity, to the point where we're now approaching a 1:1 ratio of genre to listener. That means people who don't want to dance — most likely serious-minded indie pussies too cool to sweat — don't have to. Occasionally, a movement or a band comes along that makes it harder to resist. New wave and post-punk in the '80s, Madchester and big break-beat DJs in the '90s, and the DFA scene in the 2000s all worked their hypnotic beat charms on the kids. But though the marriage of indie and dance scenes is a recurring motif, it tends to come in short-lived bursts. Trends in music are cyclical, of course, so as soon as everyone starts dancing, it's time for the next shift of bands to punch in to work and take us in the opposite direction. That's known as the musical-spite corollary, a famous concept I just invented.

The back-and-forth may be over for this cycle, because if there's one thing music fans don't want to do anymore this decade, it's stand in a room and watch people play instruments. They want to dance. Thank the Australian electro-pop/whatever outfit Cut Copy.

Reading a blog but never commenting on it

v
Thank you very much for reading PTSOTL, I sincerely appreciate that for realisies and for life, because I know how many starving blogs in China will go to bed tonight without any readers.  Now leave a comment or start "liking" shit more up in here or GTFO you lurking deadbeats. No more free lunch around here. I might be a wackadoodles liberal, but my blog isn't.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Chinese car crash cumpilation*



Check out this stunning collection of Chinese car crashes (via Deadspin) and keep in mind that whatever it is you're thinking while you're watching it that's totally racist




*Because it's like violence porn. No? Ahh forget it.

The second coming is at hand

The Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him. (NIV, Matthew 24:43-44)

Am I mixing up my Bible studies with tricks aliens in the movies do all the time again, or was there a bit in the good book about how when American Jesus comes back to Earth he'll take a form that seems familiar and comfortable to us so as to not blow our minds with his magnificence? 


Thanks to Irish Leo for the pic.

Television is made by monkeys


How's that old saying go, give a million monkeys a million video editing rigs, and eventually they'll crank out something shitty enough to be broadcast on MTV? That's the story here, where an actual chimp named JT, which is a total bro chimp name, took control of a video editing thing and made a surf video.  Thanks to Joe K, who hates those damn dirty apes ,via MTV.

UPDATE: OK, so apparently this is internet old, but I think its lesson is timeless.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Does my pixelated death not distress you? Classic arcade game deaths

 via



We've become so accustomed to death in video games that it's easy to lose track of  the stakes. You know what happens when you crash a grainy, pixelated space machine into an asteroid, or fire a missile at a blocky blob that's supposed to represent a moon colony?   Grainy, pixelated people that don't exist die.


OK, it doesn't sound so sad when you put it that way, but what if you set that same idea to a montage of classic video game deaths, as in this video from Boing Boing, then played an 8-bit chip tune cover of Mad World by Tears for Fears underneath? Then you have poignancy. In fairness, you could make that jam the soundtrack to a video of your son or daughter getting elected as president of fucking space while you're punching every dude who ever wronged you in the face and it would still be the most miserable thing you've ever seen, but still.

Thanks to ERT for the link.

Hot pink pain reliever: Because it's pink, and hot, just like yr vgna

click to enlarge. seriously.


One of the best parts about running a hugely, moderately, popular blog my four friends like is when they send me reports from their fact-finding missions out in the world of stupid. Like this email I just got from my friend who also works for a popular lady-buying website machine thing. 

Since I only have a metaphorical vagina, it took me a little while to figure out just wtf I was looking at here. "I don't get it," I asked my friend. "What does it even do?"

"Reduces period pain," she said. Wait, that's an actual thing? I thought it was just a hacky standup comedy bit.

LadyCares.com explains the amazing new device. "mn8 is a small, powerful, drug free magnetic device, which attaches discreetly to your underwear."

"I like that they show a photo of where it goes when you wear a bathing suit and then it says 'Do not wear when swimming,'" my friend said. "Because it’s electronic."

That sounds potentially problematic. "Is this like some Star Trek vagina science? Why is it pink by the way?"

Sad development in Bro news. Should beer towers be illegal?

via

The great thing about these beer towers that you see the worst dudes in the world sucking on like a yeasty, hoppy teat (mmm, hoppy teat), is that it's a pretty convenient way to scan whatever bar you've just walked into and decide where you want to sit: as far away from these bro-hammers as possible, thanks.


You are so sick, bro. I know! No, I mean, literally, you're gonna get sick from that herpes spout.

Beer towers combine the best of everything broz are broey about: beer, getting shitty, bongs, and over obvious representations of their bro dicks. No homo, bro, but if your dick spit out beer this good, would it be gay if I poured myself off one more cup for the road?

Tough news for Boston homers though, because the narcs down at the alcohol licensing commission just harshed your buzz, as the Boston Globe reports. "Boston licensing officials have suspended the use of increasingly-popular large, portable beer taps and are requiring that businesses already licensed to serve alcohol request permission to use the beverage dispensers."

Monday, March 28, 2011

American Apparel sexual harassment suit is complicated



This whole American Apparel sexual harassment situation is a big mess, right? On the one hand it bums me out big time, because, jesus, the things we do to get ahead...  But on the other hand it's great for page views, so you can see my predicament here.  Everyone loves a good sex scandal, especially when it's a vapid sideshow of filth and depravity and boy cut panties for communication majors.

Street Carnage seems to be of the opinion it's a libelous smear campaign by greedy bitches out to ruin a man's life. They also have a ton of pictures up of two of the girls in question. There are certainly no shortage of people lining up to label Dov Charney as a serious fucking scumbag either. He may well be. These girls might also be scheming sluts. The important thing is is that we all express our opinion about this groundbreaking story about a powerful rich man and young women who trade their bodies for access to that power and money, because nothing like it has ever happened before.

Ringo Deathstarr, still good. Bassist still hot.



Remember when I incepted the band Ringo Deathstarr in your brains a while ago, then asked them dumb questions? That was nice of me. Still zoning off to the their record Colour Trip on the redge over here, which would be a lot easier to fall asleep to if it weren't so loud -- something for them to think about maybe next time? 

They've got a new video for their song "Two Girls", which is streaming exclusively at NME I guess because I tried to yank the code and all it gave me was a giant red square of doom when I re-posted, so you'll have to go watch it there. INFORMATION WANTS TO BE FREE RIGHT? It's basically the video equivalent of those hillar+tru hipster traps that we all read about in cool blogs like Time Magazine, a couple weeks ago: a washed-out home video of choppy-banged chicks with tattoos and boobies and bums in ballerina skirts playing with knives, checking out their probably rad vinyl collections, and double-teaming an ice cream sandwich in a tiny girl apartment that I would bet a thousand dollars has a box of cat shit somewhere real close to the refrigerator. Anyway, good song. 




Whole Foods will have bars now. Oh good.

image via USA Today

What are some of the first things that come to mind when you decide what bar you want to go to? Good question. It's one Zane Lamprey, comedian and host of drinking shows like "Drinking Made Easy" and "Three Sheets" posed when I was interviewing him about dive bars for .   

"Why do we choose a bar to go to?" he said. "Let's say someone who maybe doesn't drink for a living," (loser) "they're home, they're gonna call their buddy 'Hey, let's go out, grab a drink.' Where are they gonna go? There's a number of factors involved there. Members of the opposite sex, which is what they're looking for, the vibe of the place, the music. But ultimately it's the people that they're going to interact with when they get there."

Exactly so. For example, if you're into sports, you want to drink next to other fans. at a sports bar. If you're into taking pictures of yourself for your blog in skinny jeans and a hoodie, you want to be at the bar where obnoxious solipsism is on tap next to the Red Stripe. In other words, you want to drink with your peers at the center of your social calendar. Let's say you're a self-righteous green foodie with a soy-powered bicycle, then naturally you want to drink at the place you spend most of your time already -- a giant cavernous, poorly lit warehouse of fairtrade kale and $10 bags of cashews. It just makes sense. 

The Jr. No Fun Club: How to not be old


Typical member of the Jr No Fun Club
Occasionally our man Sarge D from Metal Sucks and Stuff You Will Hate checks in to explain to all us olds how to better make fun of the kids these days. Like in this PTSOTL classic Five musical genres you don't know but already hate

Today he wants to address a serious problem afflicting the scene kids of the world today: premature aging and no fun-having.  

The Jr. No Fun Club
 
There are plenty of things to hate about scene lifers: when they act like they deserve a medal because they saw some preachy, tuneless band in a filthy basement 15 years ago; their doughy physiques; that they drive Volkswagens; how they piss and moan about absolutely anything and everything, and so forth. I like to call them the No Fun Club, because they basically hate on anything that involves people younger than them having fun. Whether it’s music, TV, the latest internet joke, or whatever jeans are currently in style, if it’s something that makes Kids These Days happy, then all the oldfags in the No Fun Club will hate on it.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

New phone app Color monetizes your eyes

Foto Martien via Flickr

Can we just hurry up and download my entire face and brain into a damn cellphone already? All of this fleshing around is getting to be a huge drag. Color, a new app launched this week, is something like a combination of FourSquare and Facebook, in that it lets you take pictures of your own stupid face, then post them to an instant and changing network based on other people in the same location taking pictures of their own stupid faces. Walking all the way over there to see who's in the same room seems like a whole thing, says no one, ever, I think I'll just point my beak at this glowing screen and see what's what.  The WSJ reports:
Whenever the app is turned on, Color captures a lot of data about the world around the phone, including GPS location, information from the gyroscope, and even ambient light levels. It uses that data to figure out where the user is — and whether there are other Color users nearby....
“I want people to begin the debate – do I want to live in an open world?” says [founder Bill] Nguyen. Color “makes life more like a small town where you share things with your neighbors.”
Or, you might say, the exact opposite of that, because applications like this mean in order to cover the distance from right over there and where you are right now you have to shoot information lasers (more or less) off a fucking space ship then back down to the ball cancer radiator in your pants.

The slogan on the Color website explains it in slightly different language: 

Find someone. Take pictures together.
Party. Play date. Lunch?

Simultaneously use multiple iPhones and Androids to capture photos, videos, and conversations into a group album. There's no attaching, uploading, or friending to do.

Share together in a new, moving social network. Just look around.

Exactly. Except for that last part. Don't do that looking around thing.  Look right here at our thing. We monetized your eyes.

Is AZNcore the next total thing?


So that's their game.  First the North Koreans will lull us into a false sense of comfort with acoustic cute bombs like this, then they sneak in the back door and steal all our gold. No one saw it coming. 

The title on this video, which may or may not be internet old, is Perfect Children, but I don't know, I thought I heard a bum note or two toward the middle strum and slap part. I wouldn't go patting myself on the back just yet, robotically adorable 5 year olds.

Oh, and if you're wondering if the comments section on that YouTube video devolved into a nationalist flame war, then let be the first to congratulate on your first time here on the internet. We have very many wonderful delights for you to peruse and become infuriated by to the point of racist retardation. Enjoy your stay.

thanks to Rez for the link.

Otaku: got get your fucking shineboxes

 

Here's my review of Sucker Punch, which I just saw in a theater that smelled like wet wampa balls, with no heat on, sitting next to a 80 year old homeless, mentally-challenged guy who literally said between grunts at one point: "those girls give me a boner."  I also missed the bus trying to make it to the theater on time, then had to pay to park, but the movie went over time and I got a ticket for $30. Why don't people go to the movies anymore? 
 
 
ZOMG. Fanboy overload: school girls with magic swords, mecha armor and helicopters vs. steam punk zombie Nazis with zeppelins, dragons, samurais, cyborgs, orcs and biplanes in space. No nerd stone unturned. I feel like I just got off the set for a sci-fi themed bukkake.
If only it wasn't a piece of  in terms of plot, they would have really had something here. Although I will give the film bonus points for actively telling fans to go fuck themselves while giving them exactly what they want. The metafiction aspects, and multi-tiered reality levels may not be as brain-boning as Inception, but there's something to think about there if you dig for it. It's a commentary on the things we use to escape our own brutal, horrible realities every day, namely films like this. Babydoll (nice subtle name) is a stand in for consumers of media in general. And her hypnotic dancing, which is an analogy for the "dancing" of the type of fight choreography we go to see in action sci fi, is a critique of the ways we're all rendered awestruck by filmed violence. Or maybe the appeal is, just, you know, school girl stripper ninjas ftw.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Designer Tom Ford reads PTSOTL (probably)

Apotek Hjartat via Flickr


We've always been ahead of the fashion curve here at PTSOTL. Pretty much invented the whole fashion blogging trend when this site was founded back in 2002(ish). So it's sort of bittersweet to see famous designers like Tom Ford stealing our jokes, as Gawker pointed out just now, but sometimes that's the price you pay for trend-setting and churning out memes fresh on the daily.

"A man should never wear shorts in the city," Ford said in Another Mag. "Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach."
That sounds a lot like what we've always said, only minus weird non-sequitir seafood epithets, like in this old school PTSOTL post about shorts:

"Hey scallop pegs, what are you, four years old? Are your wittle legs all hot and sweaty? Too bad, junior, put on the long pants like a big boy. There are only a couple acceptable instances in which you can wear shorts: 1) You're performing some sort of exercise. 2) You live on the surface of the sun 3) You're a clueless dick."

Or this one about men's feet.

Or this one about walking around the city in flip flops:  "I don't know, riding bare ass on the subway and eating fuzzy french fries out of the cushions of taxis are kind of the fresh moves right now. But what about taking it to the next level?"

I'm not saying Tom Ford stole my joke designs and passed them off as his own, I'm just saying he reads this site every day and maybe it sort of seeped into his subconscious. It happens. All the time. 

Just Following Up One More Time


I think I went through this same thing a year or so ago. I know that because I posted this exact same joke back then.  Woops, looks like they accidentally put me back on their list, which is OK, because I'm putting them back on mine. That'll show 'em. 



We have removed your email address from our list. We're sorry to see you go.
Was this a mistake? Did you forward your email to a friend, and they accidentally clicked the unsubscribe link? If this was a mistake, you can re-subscribe at...
Yes, this is probably what happened. The old friend accidentally unsubscribes you from a magazine's spam list routine. If I had a nickel...  
Good call emailing me ONE MORE TIME to let me know you aren't going to email me anymore after I just asked you to stop emailing me though. That's tenacious salesmanship at work. You must be a fucking joy to break up with.  
[Shows up outside my work five minutes later] "Hey, just wanted to make sure when you told me to fuck off you knew it was specifically me you were saying it to... It was? I see... What you doing for lunch?"  
Haha, just kidding. I don't have a job.

Another amazing photo post about my amazing life



You guys. You guys. I did stuff out in the world last night, and I was on some Matrix shit -- like, how will I know this is really happening if I don't take shitty pictures of it on my phone then post it into a bunch of strangers' blog faces? That's the twist in that movie right? The guy at the end turned out to be boring?

There's my man Richard Ashcroft up there. I don't want to sound like a guy who cries at rock shows or anything, but he did play "History", "On Your Own", "Sonnet", "The Drugs Don't Work", "Weeping Willow" "Lucky Man" and "Space And Time" for fuck's sake. Pretty dusty up in that piece all night. No seriously, it's like an old church or something. Jesus might work miracles but he doesn't work a vacuum, if you know what I mean. I looked at other things too. 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

An idea so crazy it just might work: Stop selling bombs to dictators?

USA #1!

I know, I know, that sounds like crazy liberal talk, and I do in fact live in a cloudy land of pink ponies that shit piles of rainbows and gummy bears, but maybe we ought to look into this idea. Remember how we trained all those Afghan soldiers when we were at war but not really just kidding with the USSR back in eighties and nineties? That really came back to bite us on the ass didn't it?

Nothing new, though, right? We tend to have a habit of sending cash and training and materiel to people who you might cautiously describe as the worst fucking dudes you could possibly imagine. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir, Kim Jong-Il, Than Shwe of Myanmar, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, and Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan, and probably Magneto for all I know, are just a couple of the arch-villains to be fucking sex slaves on piles of your hard-earned money. Never mind though, that Wisconsin teacher over there is getting health insurance. 

Who's another dictator we've given aid to and sold weapons to? You might know him better right now as the guy whose face we're shooting those same missiles at: Muammar Gaddafi. 

Truth Out via Crooks and Liars has the deets: 


Remember when you were in The Verve? That was awesome.



I interviewed Richard Ashcroft this week for the Phoenix. What I should have said the whole time was "Play Space And Time or GTFO the stage." 

Quite a month for Brit-rock fans of a certain age, innit? Thus far, we've seen a new Radiohead disc, Liam Gallagher resurfacing with Beady Eye, and even a Primal Scream tour behind the 20th anniversary of Screamadelica (though only in the UK, sadly). Now comes ol' Mad Richard himself.

Ashcroft, who'll perform solo at Villa Victoria Center for the Arts tonight (March 24), arrives with the new United Nations of Sound (Razor & Tie). It's a "challenging" record that's befuddled many of the former Verve frontman's fans with its refusal to rehash the elegiac, sweeping beauty and maelstrom of guitar noise that characterized the Verve's classic material. Instead, it finds Ashcroft, like so many older, more-reflective UK songwriters, turning for inspiration to American shores. In some cases, that means a churning, beat-driven tale of globetrotting discovery like "America," an anthemic banger typical of Ashcroft at his best. Other tracks, like first single "Are You Ready?", are in the strings-driven hip-hop mold he embodied so well in his work with UNKLE.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Why the music business doesn't have any money



I am covering a show this week. It's an act I reviewed recently that I really like, so I requested a guest list spot at the Boston date from the publicist. So far so normal. 

But instead of just adding my name to a list on email, or making a call, here is what happened: A ticket was printed out by Ticketmaster, presumably costing money to do so. That ticket was delivered to the offices of the publicist/label. Someone being paid to work there then took that ticket in New York or LA or wherever it is, and spent time putting it in one of those big yellow envelopes that music writers hate to get. A guy from Fed Ex drove over to the office to pick it up and brought it to the airport, where a fucking plane flew this 6 inch piece of paper over how many hundreds or thousands of miles. Then it landed here and another guy in another truck, being paid to do this and spending how ever much money on gas it costs to drive one of those trucks, drove from the airport in Boston to my home (where he woke me up by ringing the door bell just sayin, bro). 

Now the ticket is in my possession, which is cool, but I've also got one of these stupid yellow envelopes I have to put in my recycling bin so another guy in another truck can come take it away from me and flush it down the earth toilet, or wherever it is they take my recycling to when it goes out of my face. 

Granted, I'm grateful for being able to go to the show, but maybe there's a cheaper way to do things?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Gambling for Jesus: Church To Give Away Cash On Easter



Seems like it was only a couple hours ago we were talking about waving your taint in the air for the Lamb of God, and now here's this other story, both of which are starting to make me question whether or not this whole organized religion thing might be a little bit questionable.

This news report comes from WLWT in Ohio. It's about a church that holds a giveaway every Easter, the holiest day in the entire Christian faith, to get more warm bodies in the door. That's the religion equivalent of having an open bar at your wedding I guess, or a buy one get one free lunch special. In this case the prize isn't getting drunk near relatives you don't know, and won't know for as long as you live, or a  discount on a totally stacked turkey club, it's eternal salvation. 

Just kidding, it's cash.

Pole Dancing For Jesus

ZOL. Look at the less important news on the ticker.

How on earth can you mix pole dancing with Jesus? wonders Fox affiliate reporter Kristin Kane in this news report she's probably really proud of filing. Kristin Kane sounds like a fake porn pseudonym doesn't it? Which begs the question, can blowbangs for Jesus be too far off? Hold on, I gotta go, uh... research something.

Where was I? Oh right, here's this news-like news report. Via OnKneesForJesus, which, just, wow go look at that site.


"People have to bring their church program to get into the class," explains Crystal Deans, the instructor, which...wait, what the fuck is going on with people's porn names down there? Wherever down there is. Texas? Probably Texas, right? 

"So, we basically are just continuing the whole worship thing." Right, but in pole dancing isn't the idea of what you're worshiping a little different than the one in church?  Hmm, actually, in one case it's the idea of a stripper who you might get to fuck, and at the other it's God, and neither of those two things exist, so I guess it's not so different after all.

How to tell if you're in a Boston dive bar

one light via Flickr

As I mentioned, my book is coming out soon. I was just doing some last minute lists and sidebars to flesh out some of the layout, and I asked a few of my friends to contribute. Not sure which of them I'll be able to squeeze in just yet, but this one from our man Walt made me guffaw, so here it is. Boston for life, kehd. Incidentally, he's having a comedy thing of some sort in April. I'll be there doing, well, not sure what I'll be doing. Sitting there anyway. Flyer after the jump.


How to tell if you're in a Boston dive bar

You overhear someone say:

“Put a few oxies in her and Denise is a total whore.”  (Almost always followed by "But she has heart of gold.")

“Cross my heart on that little retarded kid's giant head.”

The drink special is Tequiza and Peach Schnapps.

You leave smelling like cigarettes, despite the fact smoking was banned in 2003.

The glory holes in the bathroom have pictures of Yankees players taped around them.
“Yeah it's the original carpet, and we're never changing it because TEDDY FUCKING WILLIAMS TOOK A PISS RIGHT IN THAT CORNER!”


Vagina and ass smuggling arms race gets out of hand

stanislaw via deviant art

What was that thing I said the other day about poor saps on the internet, and how we forget about them as soon as we move on to the next object of ridicule? And how we're fascinated about the amount of luggage you can conceivably fit inside a human anal cavity? I wasn't making that shit up. Here's our latest ignoble character, via Buzzfeed. It's a California man caught trying to reinvent the concept of carry-on bags, reportedly smuggling in an mp3 player, headphones (naturally), weed, and a bunch of cash. Har har. This guy's life is worse than yours and mine! 

But he's not even the hardest worker in this sorry new trend we're all still really excited about and really proud of ourselves to be highlighting.

BG: "Dirty Vegas and Bodega Girls takeover of the Perez Hilton party. This is what happens when we crash your party."

Not sure why I didn't think of this sooner, instead of asking people to send me things, I'm just going to steal them from them, then link them to it, and be like, lol zatok? Because the only thing more exciting than looking at photos from your Facebook friends is looking at ones from people you don't actually know!

Photos and captions from the person in question. 



Nate sings sexy dance songs in Mystery Roar. "Dont go back to Knoxville."

Monday, March 21, 2011

And that's why you don't eat on the subway


You guys know I'm no fan of bringing food on public transportation. I made the rookie mistake one time of bringing a tuna sandwich on the bus and the whole place smelled like microwaved vagina the entire ride. Even worse is when it's a long bus ride, like last time I rode down to NYC and we stopped for McDonald's like 30 minutes into the ride.  "Half the fuckers on this doomed ship of meat souls had worked up a thirst for beef by sitting here so hard all that time. This pork coffin on wheels wreaks of perfumed sugar tomatoes and cheese-product now," I said, which is totally the type of thing I would say. Classic me.  

Of course I'm also a big fan of keeping your mouth shut and your head down and not getting in anyone's biznatch, so this video  is kind of pulling at me on both sides. Who to route for?  How about no one? OK, if I have to I'm going with my man there who tried to chill these bishes out. Chilling bishes out is always a lot easier in theory than it sounds though, isn't it? 

Weep for our souls and watch the food-related subway fight after the jump. 



xxAre Crystal Castles punk as ballz?xx


Photography is obviously not my strong suit.

Even though I'm a pretty big fanboy, I was ready to hate on Crystal Castles when I went to review them on Saturday at the House of Blues in Boston. By all accounts, including from friends who've dealt with them in interviews, and my own personal experience trying to get through to them press-wise, they're pretty douchey and have a (well-deserved, I guess) high opinion of themselves. That happens when you're the hottest shit electro-punk duo in the world maybe? But then a funny thing happened, I was kind of blown away.

Read what I said about them in the Boston Globe after the thing, plus see my awful shitty camera phone clip of Alice crowd surfing with a broken ankle. 


Writing about sex is hard: An interview with an erotica author



 

This just went up at Street Carnage

Sex is kind of weird, right? When you think about how many people out there are just awful at the third most basic of biological functions (after smoking cigarettes and punching people in the face), it’s sort of surprising that any of us even exist. Even weirder than the act of sex itself is talking about it. Just go ahead and try to have a sexy conversation with your partner (oof, that word) without feeling like a giant dork. Yes, it sounds hot at the time, but almost anything sounds hot when you’ve got a boner. You ever play that shit back in your mind when you’re done? Yikes. I’d rather watch a documentary directed by my father about what a loser I am than have to listen to a recording of my dirty talk.

Weirder still than talking about it or doing it is writing about it. You’d think we’d be better at this by now since people have been writing about fucking since the invention of writing and fucking. For the most part we haven’t progressed past the early first drafts where, like, a stick figure with a spear points his giant cave dick at a herd of dinosaurs. Even our good writers are shitty at writing about sex. Nothing ruins a novel for me more than when some fleshy, bespectacled baller like Jonathan Franzen starts dipping his purple, engorged manhood into the ink. The Atlantic recently had a pretty decimating takedown of his sex scenes in Freedom:
In vain does she yearn for husband Walter to “just bend her over the kitchen table some night and have at her from behind.” (And we wonder why young people would rather read about love in vampire fiction.)”
Have at her from behind. Shudder. Updike too was fucking awful at writing about awful fucking. He got the Literary Review’s Lifetime Achievement Award for bad sex writing a couple years back. They’re the journal who hands out the annual Bad Sex Award. This year it went to an author named Rowan Somerville for prose like this, as The Guardian reported:


In which my world is shattered, lessons are learned, beats are fast, and bass is down low


Well, this is kind of embarrassing, because up until five seconds ago when I was reading Stuff You Will Hate, I had always just assumed that this song I hear every day, three times a day at the gym (/nobromo) was the Black Eyed Peas. Maybe because it sounds exactly like the Black Eyed Peas, and, you know, they say the  actual words "Black Eyed Peas" and the name of a song by the Black Eyed Peas in this song that sounds like the Black Eyed Peas. So, congratulations Dev (I think?), you tricked me into experiencing the exact same amount of indifference I would have felt had your song actually been written and performed by another band I have heard of. Now what?

No matter how many times this happens, that thing where a group piggybacks on the exact same style of another more popular group, then somehow rides that shit to enormous success, it always surprises me. Tell me you didn't have the idea to get a hard 7.5 in a space polymer hoodie to talk in a sexy customer service phone line voice about her ass cheeks and name brand alcohol over an 808 drum machine the first time you heard "Boom Boom Pow" but then thought to yourself, nah, fuck it, been done. Other people don't have that off switch -- the shame receptor in the brain, I think it's probably called -- that stops them from doing stuff like that, and they plow into the borrowed scheme full force. Other people are a lot more successful and famous than you and I though, aren't they?


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Because your friends' faces are stupid anyway

You got a fucking problem, kid? via

What's going on with these faces your friends have? Pretty stupid and punchable, right? Maybe it's just me, but did you ever find yourself standing there, watching someone make words out of their word hole, like, looking around with their lookers, and breathing and, you know, stuff, and think to yourself "I wish that nose was a little bit to the left, the skin wasn't so orange, and the forehead was much, much longer"?  Well, that's exactly why Justin Timberlake and those two Aryan boat guys invented Facebook, and why the guy who invented Photoshop invented Photoshop, whoever that is. They should make a movie about that guy maybe? 

This guy Oli Beale knows what I'm talking about. He's been fucking with pictures of his friend James' face and reposting them on Facebook. That's why they call it Facebook, in case you missed that part of the movie. From Oli + Alex via . 

Check out the pictures after the jump. 


Repost Sundays: Yelp (part 3)


Friend of the List Richard Bouchard hates Yelp almost as much as I hate the stench of injustice and frizzy hair days. I asked him to tell us why. Because I'm too lazy to write it myself. Also, reposting this today because I just saw my new favorite Yelp comment ever. Pasted in the comments. -Luke


Letting regular people write reviews doesn’t seem like a bad idea.  Neither does autoerotic asphyxia,  until you start to think about it. (Don't think about it, actually).  Just jerk off and go about your day. 

See, the “let the average guy do it” thing is fine until you realize that the average guy can’t write for shit and doesn’t know how to separate his or her dumb expectations from reality, or how to avoid making unnecessary assumptions. Let just anyone mash their dumb sausage link fingers into a keyboard and you end up with reviews that have nothing to do with food at all: one star because they wouldn’t let me use an expired coupon; two stars because I got kicked out for being a drunk toolbag; would’ve been five stars but we had a dude waiter and the table next to us had a hot chick waitress so I had to take points off; two stars off because my dad never loved me.

This was my favorite Yelp comment though:

Saturday, March 19, 2011

F. Martin Ramin for The Wall Street Journal

I'm a super important music writer with tons of indie cred and scene points so I don't really know the answer to this, but do people still save ticket stubs to shows? Used to be a total thing back in my day. Just in case they do there's a new website where people can post images of the old stubs and tell the story behind the show or sports-ball thing, that way everyone else knows the fun stuff you're up to while they're doing whatever it is that regular people do. Work? Not sure.  The site is called StubStory and I wrote about it for the Wall Street Journal today. (I know, right?) The newish Off Duty weekend section there is actually some really good stuff. Read the rest there, or after the jump.

Gratuitous personal photo post


The moon is the closest it's ever been to the earth in like 20 years tonight. We went out downtown and I wanted you guys to know how sensitive and artistic I am so I took a shot of it reflecting off the Hancock building. "That looks like it should be in a Spider-Man movie," Michelle said, which is cute, because girls don't really know what Spider-Man does for a living. Here's a bunch more photos of stuff I've done this month. "People like it when you have personal photos on a blog," Michelle also said, which is something I think she learned at journalism school at NYU, so I think I should trust her and play this one out. Is this an ironic post? I honestly don't know anymore, dude.



That's my people at Dunkies right there, son. Making my larged ice, one milk, one sugar. You can't tell this, but everyone just outside of the frame is really old and poor and depressing. LOL.

Like twenty more boring ass photos of my stupid life after the thing.

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