An ad on craigslist (super legit place to find things that you want) is looking for cast members for some show.  Here’s the ad:

CASTING: DO SPEAK YOUR MIND ABOUT HOT-BUTTON TOPICS? WE WANT YOU! (Boston and surrounding areas)

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Date: 2011-02-26, 2:37PM EST
Reply to: ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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Are you super-opinionated and hold strong views about hot-button issues like illegal immigration, hunting animals for sport or the right to carry concealed weapons?

Do you love to debate and speak your mind on topics you believe in, no matter how controversial?

Do you want to explore those beliefs, to either challenge or reinforce them?

Then, we are looking for you!

A major cable network is searching for people who want to be on a new television show. If this sounds like something you are open to, please email the casting team immediately.

In the email, please include your contact details and tell us who you are, what you feel strongly about and why you want to be on the show. Include your phone number, email address and recent photograph.

NO YOU DIDN’T!!??!

You DID NOT just give me permission to launch my opinion-torpedo.  Because if you did, I AM LAUNCHING ALL OF THEM FULL BLAST RIGHT NOW HERE THEY COME YOU WILL BE SORRY I AM INCREDIBLE AND GIFTED AND THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF EVERYTHING PLEASE DIE INSIDE OF ME.

I’ll tell you what, i’m ALL about, right NOW.  I’m a 34 year old male white, who has had 36 different jobs, all of which I was fired from for “indecent exposure,” WHICH WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING, because it was more like THEY were exposing ME to BEING TOTALLY STUPID ASSHOLES.

And just like ASSHOLES, I have 1000 opinions, here they are:

1. Skateboarding is NOT a crime
2. Cats are good pets, but WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME SHIT FOR
3. Babies don’t need a daddy, but they BETTER DO THEIR HOMEWORK
4. Woman’s rights?? More like, can’t survive in space, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH
5. Democrats are all like “wahh, my organic pussy is bleeding” and Republicans are all like “POOR PEOPLE SHOULD BE FED TO OLD LIONS,” both of which are FUCKING WRONG I’M A LIBERTARIAN SURPRISE HERE’S MY GUN
6. LOVE EM OR LEAVE EM
7. Immigrants are stealing all the jobs and ALL OF MY SEMEN
8. Circumcision = NOT COOL.  If you remove a babies foreskin, HOW THE FUCK WILL YOU KNOW IF IT GROWS UP TO BE A WITCH???
9. Against bears
10. Sleeping IS AGAINST GOD and dreaming is SLEEPING WITH GOD
11. The only song ever written was “Louie Louie.”
12. Gay marriage?   Sure, BUT THEY ALL HAVE TO LIVE IN SPACE LIKE L RON HUBBARD WANTS
13. Dinosaurs?  PROVE IT
14. There are only 9 real numbers and I INVENTED 6 OF THEM
15.  15 is the same as 1000.

Here is a picture of me as I believe myself to look:

Please call me immediately at or leave me a message at waltervshimself.com  because the world is all fucked up because of the internet and old people getting too much of a say and how women don’t think they really NEED to shave their bodies, what the fuck, bears are going to kill us all if it weren’t for the smell traps I’m inventing.  You owe it to America.

Lover,

Walter Cornelius

http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/tfr/2236107456.html