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| image via USA Today |
What are some of the first things that come to mind when you decide what bar you want to go to? Good question. It's one Zane Lamprey, comedian and host of drinking shows like "Drinking Made Easy" and "Three Sheets" posed when I was interviewing him about dive bars for .
"Why do we choose a bar to go to?" he said. "Let's say someone who maybe doesn't drink for a living," (loser) "they're home, they're gonna call their buddy 'Hey, let's go out, grab a drink.' Where are they gonna go? There's a number of factors involved there. Members of the opposite sex, which is what they're looking for, the vibe of the place, the music. But ultimately it's the people that they're going to interact with when they get there."
Exactly so. For example, if you're into sports, you want to drink next to other fans. at a sports bar. If you're into taking pictures of yourself for your blog in skinny jeans and a hoodie, you want to be at the bar where obnoxious solipsism is on tap next to the Red Stripe. In other words, you want to drink with your peers at the center of your social calendar. Let's say you're a self-righteous green foodie with a soy-powered bicycle, then naturally you want to drink at the place you spend most of your time already -- a giant cavernous, poorly lit warehouse of fairtrade kale and $10 bags of cashews. It just makes sense.
Whole Foods gets that, which is why they're testing out a few bars serving craft beers and organic wines and absolutely no sense of fun whatsoever at a few of their stores in states like California and cities like Austin. I think that's called marketing synergy.
"If nothing else, bars in Whole Foods would be a relatively low-cost way to make a lot of money, grocery industry analysts say," reports USA Today.
"Not only will it lure more folks into the store, but it also will likely keep them there longer and boost highly profitable sales of wine and beer. In one step, says veteran supermarket consultant Howard Solganik, 'It achieves everything Whole Foods is trying to achieve.'
"'A beer and wine bar on the premises 'can lift the entire experience of shopping,' says Kate Newlin, a business strategy consultant [who just got paid to expertly opine that people have more fun shopping drunk.] "The one risk, she warns, 'is if it takes on a life of its own' and gets rowdy,'" which sounds like a quote from an interview with an uncharacteristically forthcoming mad scientist, or a vegan who hasn't maintained her bikini line in a few weeks.
Her point there is exactly the reason why a bar in a fucking upscale super market is such a boring idea. Not that bars are supposed to be dangerous, or that I even want to be around rowdy, drunk assholes -- no one wants that -- but you at least want to entertain the option that you could see something happen. When you're tossing back a few glasses of organic Riesling over in aisle 7 while a phalanx of mewling brats roll through in their tank-like doublewide strollers, what's the wildest thing that can end up going down? A bunch of bored housewives get saucy and rosy-cheeked on mommy juice and gluten-free crackers, just sort of letting off a little steam, loosening up a bit after a hard day of shopping? Hmm. This might not be such a bad idea after all.
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6 comments:
is this how all your bits are going to start now?
That would be weird.
Maybe though! Not that one I just posted. That's got nothing to do with bars.
lol@ "which sounds like a quote from an interview with an uncharacteristically forthcoming mad scientist, or a vegan who hasn't maintained her bikini line in a few weeks."
HA:
@EnormousRoom "Dude I was so drunk I bought a candy bar for $4. #drunkatwholefoods
: Bro, did you just hurl or did someone knock over the display of glutenfree lentil soup? #drunkatwholefoods
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