As someone who has failed both as a musician and as a blogger, there's one lesson I picked up along my brown journey to nowheresville, and that's basically that both efforts are exactly the same thing 100% without qualification. Every post is like a show! Blogging is great though because there's no getting in the van required, but somehow, surprisingly, more drinking. That means the only way to get 12 more people to look at you do your projects, is to make buddy bands, and now, I guess, buddy blogs.
Sergeant D, who wrote the piece Being In a Band is for Losers I posted about the other day is just such a compatriot in barely-contained internet rage. He writes about music jokes about teenagers on his blog Stuff You Will Hate, so I asked him to explain wtf is going on with the shitty music subgenres these kids are listening to while they take cellphone shots of their fingers in their tatooed vaginas. /no-old He kindly obliged with this introduction to all the genres you will 100% guaranteed hate.
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Five musical genres you don't know but already hate
I'll be the first to admit that when you get old, it's easy for your priorities to get out of whack. You spend all your energy worrying about getting that big promotion, planning your wedding, refinancing your mortgage, and lose sight of what really matters: music for teenagers who shop at the mall. The good news is that not much has changed -- most new genres are just the result of arbitrarily combing two other genres that you've already heard of, or exaggerated variations on old stuff. In this post, I will share a couple examples. I suggest printing out a copy and keeping it in your wallet in case you have to talk to teenagers and want to sound like you "are pretty cool for your age."
For those of you who are reading this at work, a Powerpoint version of this will be available soon so you can present it to your VP of marketing and impress him with how you "really have your finger on the pulse of contemporary youth culture."
Slutwave
Slutwave
Examples: Millionaires, Ke$ha
Got beaten or raped by your dad/uncle/neighbor? Ignored by your rich, professional parents who were too busy furthering their careers to love you? . The good news is that you might have a future as a slutwave artist! For girls with low self-esteem, male attention is like oxygen, and what better way to get boys to look at you than by playing unremarkable pop songs with lyrics about how much you like to party and have sex with strangers? The best part is that, unlike the suffocatingly PC scene of the 90s, you don't even have to pretend you are doing it to "empower women by inverting traditional notions of sexual norms," you can just pour some Goose in your mouth and yell "I'M A SLUUUUUUUUT!"
Crunkcore
Examples: BrokeNCYDE, DotDotCurve, Dropping A Popped Locket
Remember how bands used to think it was really funny to list their genre on Myspace as "Screamo/Crunk/Death Metal"? Apparently someone took that a little too seriously, because that's essentially what crunkcore is. Popularized by the infamous BrokeNCYDE, the main elements are white-trash stoners who dropped out of high school screaming lyrics about sex, drugs, and expensive jewelry over Fruity Loops presets that sound like Lil Jon or Yung Joc beats that should have been left on the cutting room floor.
Djent
Examples: Meshuggah, Periphery, The Acacia Strain
Take a guitar, tune it really low, put a lot of distortion on it, and then play a palm-muted power chord. Notice how it sounds like "DJENT DJENT?" Not sure why, but someone decided to name a genre of music after it. I think a more accurate name would have been "BANDS WHO RIP OFF MESHUGGAH," but I guess that doesn't roll off the tongue as nicely. "PONYTAIL METAL" would have worked too.
Trancecore
Examples: Attack Attack, Enter Shikari, Abandon All Ships
As you might guess from the name, trancecore combines the generic, interchangeable breakdowns of metalcore with generic, interchangeable synth parts from trance. As you might also guess, this genre was born in Europe, the same continent who brought you Scooter, Blackout Crew, and N-Dubz. You call it a shit sandwich, the kids call it a dance party... I don't know man, I can't explain it either. Blame the internet.
Easycore
Examples: A Day To Remember, Set Your Goals, Four Year Strong
In a nutshell, easycore is the carefree, optimistic pop-punk of the 90s (ala Blink-182 or Sum 41), but tuned to C, and in every song there is a "hardcore-inspired" breakdown in which they repeat some phrase about how much they are looking forward to the rest of their lives as healthy, happy young adults. Imagine if Hatebreed and Terror weren't angry, alcoholic fuckups from working class broken families, but well-adjusted teenagers from the suburbs of middle America, whose supportive parents encouraged them to express themselves through music. It's the best of both worlds!
Sergeant D
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27 comments:
trancecore equals end of days.
I probably should have mentioned that I kind of like most of this horrible stuff.
Sluttsunami would have been preferable.
Is "bomb ass pussy" code for genital warts?
meh. worth the risk.
I support slutwave, the other stuff is shite.
I support sluts for what it's worth.
Meshuggah can't be blamed for the awfulness that they inspired, though! Best metal band on the planet.
there's always a patient zero.
Sgt. D-
I've never 'disliked' so many youtube videos in my life. In fact, I mostly just like them.
BTW, in which category of gawdawful bullshit bands do you put Sleigh Bells? Sure, their crowd skews a bit older and will be at SXSW, but I'm sticking them somewhere between Djent and Trancecore.
Sayin'
Ommmmff, that shit blows too.
thanks, now I've just spent over an hour at http://sergeantd.tumblr.com/
... I have stuff to do! (no I don't)
Slutwave is an SNL sketch waiting to happen. By the way, does Uffie count as a slutwave artist?
Yeah, I think so. She's kind of decent though.
BTW, in which category of gawdawful bullshit bands do you put Sleigh Bells?
Dude was in Poison The Well, so I'd say "stuff desperate, washed up hardcore dudes when they turn 30"
Turned out pretty well for him though didn't it?
psh. I already know all these bands. Although, this is one of those moments where I can't decide if I should be proud or ashamed. I love that feeling.
I thought it was Crabcore not Trancecore?
Also you like Meshuggah Luke? I am impressed/don't believe you.
Sarge D wrote this one. REP ZACK.
AAS is the worst thing I have ever heard.
Luke O'Neil said...
I probably should have mentioned that I kind of like most of this horrible stuff.
March 11, 2011 4:18 PM
FACE!
Oh, well that counts. I do "kind of" like Meshuggah
I'll totally make you a mix tape!
Slutwave is awesome. Thanks for coining crunkcore, I've been searching for a good one word description of that crap.
Slutcrunk probably already exists I'm assuming.
@zack, please do!
Generally speaking, I define Ponytail metal differently. For me, it's bands like Dream Theater, Secrecy, Fates Warning, Kingsbane, Queensrÿche and their ilk: flashy, technically-precise power/prog that most people hate and that I can't really get enough of. Also known as the music I'm listening to at the gym, i.e. when my hair is tied back.
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