| stanislaw via deviant art |
What was that thing I said the other day about poor saps on the internet, and how we forget about them as soon as we move on to the next object of ridicule? And how we're fascinated about the amount of luggage you can conceivably fit inside a human anal cavity? I wasn't making that shit up. Here's our latest ignoble character, via Buzzfeed. It's a California man caught trying to reinvent the concept of carry-on bags, reportedly smuggling in an mp3 player, headphones (naturally), weed, and a bunch of cash. Har har. This guy's life is worse than yours and mine!
But he's not even the hardest worker in this sorry new trend we're all still really excited about and really proud of ourselves to be highlighting.
A Scranton woman last week inserted 54 bags of heroin, 33 empty bags (for heroin I'm guessing), pills, cash, and coins into her front bum, then strolled into jail, like What? What rattling sound? (Probably)
Bar Stool Sports, as they usually do, are asking all the right questions here. "What else you got in there bitch? 2 turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree? I half expect a report that this bitch pulled out a coat rack like her pussy was Mary Poppins’ handbag." They continue, as they do:
The most intriguing part of this is the 22 cents. Like how desperate for cash do you have to be when you have 54 bags of heroin, an entire box of Ziploc bags, half a jar of pills and 51 bucks in your pussy, and you look down at 2 nickels, a dime, and 2 pennies and you’re like “Make room, vagina!” I don’t even like to carry change in my pockets. If I get like 30 cents in change at the bodega or the pizza place I just throw it in the tip jar. And this drug mule is like “Is that a Susan B. Anthony? You’re coming with me, Sue!” Hilarious. The most frugal drug mule of all time.
Ugh. Considering the company I'm keeping on this breaking ass-smuggling news beat, I'm starting to think everyone who thinks I'm a despicable human being might actually have a point. I'll be in my thinking dungeon for the rest of the day. Nobody bother me.
In fairness, he's got a point there about the change.
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2 comments:
Girlfriend has an entrepreneur's spirit is all. Thinking ahead, making money. It's American as a kilo up the cooter.
I wonder if you get really high when you die from smuggling drugs up your ass or in your stomach or whatever, before you die. Or do you just die?
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