PTSOTL: June 2010

Friday, June 25, 2010

Farmers

Missouri farmer David Jungerman has raised the hackles of local residents with a politically-charged sign he’s placed on his “45-foot-long, semi-truck box trailer” on his farm. The trailer reads: “Are you a Producer or Parasite Democrats – Party of the Parasites.” via

Setting aside the whole thing where we artificially prop up these sugar farmers so they can sell sugar to our sugar water factories that make everyone fat and sugar-titted, it's always nice to see the regular working man stand up for something he believes in.

Just kidding, this salt of the scorched-earth guy doesn't believe in shit.

The Raytown farmer who posted a sign on a semi-truck trailer accusing Democrats of being the “Party of Parasites” received more than $1 million in federal crop subsidies since 1995. [...]
After a story about Jungerman’s trailer ran in Sunday’s Star, however, some readers called him a hypocrite for criticizing others for getting government help while taking government subsidies paid for by taxpayers.
Jungerman said he put up the sign to protest people who pay no taxes, but, “Always have their hand out for whatever the government will give them” in social programs.

Why don't these homeless DemocRATs just pull themselves up by their corn-straps and improve their lot in life like I did? If all you poors out there wanted to make it, you probably should have inherited vast acres of land from your parents and spent your lives growing a crop no one wants at government mandated prices. That's called the American dream.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Oil spill crisis? SOLVED

(CNN) -- While cleanup crews and technical teams continue efforts to stop crude gushing into the Gulf of Mexico, Louisiana lawmakers are proposing a different approach: prayer.
State senators designated Sunday as a day for citizens to ask for God's help dealing with the oil disaster.
"Thus far efforts made by mortals to try to solve the crisis have been to no avail," state Sen. Robert Adley said in a statement released after last week's unanimous vote for the day of prayer. "It is clearly time for a miracle for us."
The resolution names Sunday as a statewide day of prayer in Louisiana and calls on people of all religions throughout the Gulf Coast "to pray for an end to this environmental emergency, sparing us all from the destruction of both culture and livelihood."

Anyone know how to build an ark?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hating the WNBA

When you're douching on something that has no impact on your actual life, it's always important to consider risk versus return. In other words, you should ask yourself how this awesome joke rant is going to make you look after you fire it off into the world, and whether or not it's going to end up coming back onto you like some sort of douche boomerang. A doucherang, if you will.

For example, if you're one of these tree-trunk-pegged fat guys in cargo shorts and a giant chicken skin belly talking shit about the WNBA, you're really coming out as a sexist jock who hates women. Why? Because you have absolutely nothing to gain by shitting on an institution of little power, populated entirely by women. You are asserting yourself, quite literally, as The Man. There is nothing worse in the world than The Man, I shouldn't have to tell you this. What is the expected answer here, "You're right bro, men are stronger and faster than women, and by pointing this out you've also revealed how much smarter they are too!"? I know we all want to force our women to sit there next to us on the couch and play out our homoerotic hero worship rituals when Brady is tossing one deep for six to facking Welker kid, but the least we can do is not go out of our way to belittle the minority of people who actually enjoy watching people with vaginas do the same shit. (Slightly slower). ((Just kidding.))

My man Fartmall put it this way: "There's ample opportunity to be sexist about a million everyday, unavoidable things without dudes having to stay inside on a Sunday, find whatever channel it's playing on, and bitch about it."

You realize like ten years ago in this country women were considered militant nazi dykes if they didn't want to spend their lives shitting out brats and earning 2/3 of a man's salary. So now we have a big league where the best athletes in the game get to play for other people who are interested in watching a ball get pushed into a hole by slightly smaller hands. I'd call that progress. Not that I'm ever gonna watch it, mind you. That shit is boring as fuck. These broads can't even dunk.

Shopping Around

You ever see one of these ghost-shells of a human being who float around talking about the varying pricing options available to them at different super markets? Just embarrassing for everyone involved. So here's a quick reminder on how to live your stupid life like a reasonable person in case you ever come across one of these coupon-clipping grandmothers from 1954.

SCENE 1.

[Two people breathing near each other's faces with words]

--So, what supermarket do you shop at? I kind of prefer Shaw's because milk only costs... bla bla bla...*

--When I want to buy some food or drink I go to whatever place is the closest to where I am standing when it occurs to me that I'm hungry or thirsty.

THE END.

*...(Shit, I have no idea how much a joke price for milk is supposed to be here, since I have never once remembered to look at the cost. Uh... fifteen dollars?)

Fuck the Police

I know all of you dirty beard farmers out there like to talk shit about hard working cops at your salons at Ariana Huffington's and your vegan coffee vagina performances, but what about when you need one to punch a seventeen year old girl in the face for jaywalking? Thought so.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Space Holder

Hi guys! Sorry I haven't bombed your looking holes with joke words in a week, but I've been really busy bro-hammering all over the place lately. I spent three days in the mountains in New Hampshire with my college buddies, which, for more information on that sort of shit, please see here. A lot of that time was spent realizing that out of like ten plus dudes who all went to a drunk college in the northeast -- some of whom are like engineers and doctors and professional burrito makers -- no one knows how to roll a joint. So... I guess education really works?

Couple things that are NOT on the List, although you think they might be: Wiffle Ball. Running up a mountain. Ping pong. Looking at the stars on a clear night in the mountains and contemplating our place in the universe. Grilling meat. Farting chicken wing vapor into each other's faces for twenty four hours straight. Being a decent, regular human being.

Haha, just kidding. All that shit is on the List, but, you know, I enjoyed all of it anyway. Does that make me some sort of gay racist? Some sort of bro? I suppose the answer to all of those questions and more is nhhhhh.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Beach

It's summer again, so that means you hapless style craters are gonna need to be reminded how to behave without embarrassing your father and I. Here's a few from the vault for our awesome annual On the List Summer Planner Thingy.

I'm sure the beach in New Zealand or whatever is nice. Minus the giant sharks and New Zealanders, I mean. But people who go to the beach in the Northeast are just kidding themselves. Are people really into skiing and riding snowmobiles in the Caribbean? Do they talk about hitting the slopes all day long? Same idea here. Why not pack a cooler and bring a shitty airport novel to the surface of the moon?

The fake beach is fine. The one where you slam a couple Coors Light tall boys together and all of a sudden your boss is wearing a bikini and your bros are spiking volleyballs at each other and Sammy Haggar is high fiving Jimmy Buffet. That sounds like a party!

The real beach? Miles of roasted dirt and rocks, swarms of giant mutant flies, brat kids and sunburnt townies or rich pricks all colluding on a big giant lie.

Then you get to walk around the rest of the day with sand in your pants. Nothing quite as relaxing as chafed scrotum.

At least you can go for a dip though, right? Gonna be real refreshing, right? Little dip. Just flopping around in the water. Couple laughs. Maybe toss the old frisbee around? Better bring a submarine or a space suit, cause otherwise you're not surviving in that sub zero arctic habitat for more than two seconds.

What a great day at the beach. Next weekend let's go chill out in the rain forest all day and fight snakes.

Walking Around the City In Flip Flops (Gentle Reminder)

I don't know, riding bare ass on the subway and eating fuzzy french fries out of the cushions of taxis are kind of the fresh moves right now. But what about taking it to the next level?

Oscillating Fans

Hey, it's really hot in here man. Flip that fan on real quick, will you? Ahhh... thanks that feels.... What the? Alright there we go...cooling off here real ni... goddammit. OK, here it comes again. Nice bree... FUCK.

What is this piece of shit Marxist appliance? Everyone gets their share? No thanks, take that talk back to Indo-China, Obama. Who designed this thing, the bad guy from "Seven"? Am I being symbolically tortured for the sin of being hot? Every 30 seconds I get a brief reminder of what life was like before it turned into an ironic horror movie on the sun? Remember that shit in the bible where, like, Zeus would punish a dude by making him roll a boulder up a hill for eternity because he looked at his reflection in the river too many times? This is exactly like that. I feel like the fifth dude at a gang bang. The attention every couple of minutes is appreciated I suppose, but it's not gonna relieve my raging heat hard on. Wait a minute, I think it's coming back my way. I gotta go enjoy thi... sonofabitch.

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