Friend of the List Richard Bouchard hates Yelp almost as much as I hate the stench of injustice and frizzy hair days. I asked him to tell us why. Because I'm too lazy to write it myself. Also, reposting this today because I just saw my new favorite Yelp comment ever. Pasted in the comments. -Luke
Letting regular people write reviews doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Neither does autoerotic asphyxia, until you start to think about it. (Don't think about it, actually). Just jerk off and go about your day.
See, the “let the average guy do it” thing is fine until you realize that the average guy can’t write for shit and doesn’t know how to separate his or her dumb expectations from reality, or how to avoid making unnecessary assumptions. Let just anyone mash their dumb sausage link fingers into a keyboard and you end up with reviews that have nothing to do with food at all: one star because they wouldn’t let me use an expired coupon; two stars because I got kicked out for being a drunk toolbag; would’ve been five stars but we had a dude waiter and the table next to us had a hot chick waitress so I had to take points off; two stars off because my dad never loved me.
This was my favorite Yelp comment though:
“…waitress who seemed generally too old for a younger, hip venue like the rest of the patrons. She seemed like…maybe someone's wife that lost her job and was offered this one as perhaps a pity part time job…”
Dude gave a place a bad ranking based on his fictional account of the waitress’ life. Reviewing stuff you make up is easy. Here's my review of this guy's critical acumen: shit sandwich. Oh, by the way, how was the fucking food?
And if you’ve only been eating at the fahkin 99 or TT McFryolators your whole life, I don’t need your opinion on food. I’m not one of those homo foodies who gets hard when I hear someone from Top Chef is opening a restaurant in town that’s only going to serve artisan bread made with recipes they found in Jesus’ tomb, but I know that Indian food is spicy for example. Come on, you didn’t know vindaloo was gonna make your asshole cry? Fine, but maybe you shouldn’t be offering your opinions until you’ve learned a little about your subject. This isn’t sports radio. Or a joke blog on the internet.
ps: the Andelmans suck too
brought to you by
11 comments:
haha, that tag really puts a nice finish on this!
except that tag is dead wrong.
But how else are people going to know what temperature your chicken was?
I'm sending this one to my sister. Some yelp reviewer said her handbags aren't handmade, and then called her a liar when she politely corrected him. well done.
-Susannah
I can't wait till the Yelp of stupid joke blogs gets developed so I can get bad customer service reviews for the awful design of this fucking site.
No lie, I was looking up movie times on Boston.com and there was a review of the Harvard Square Loews. Which read, and I quote: "Might as well go to the multiplex at the mall to see these movies. What a bore." IT'S A MOVIE THEATER FOR FUCK'S SAKE. You can't give it a bad review for being a movie theater that shows movies. And also WHY ARE YOU "REVIEWING" A MOVIE THEATER?
My other favorite is when they're like "The food was pretty good, not the best I've ever had; the atmosphere was OK; decent-sized drinks" and then they give it one star.
Yeah, I haven't read this blog in a while; sorry for randomly commenting three weeks later.
From some daffy cunt on a Yelp review page I was just looking at:
I went to this place once and it was a disaster of epic proprotions.
I went with a group of friends, the youngest being 25, the oldest being 31. I (26) had left my license God-knows-where the night before and was craving a little hair of the dog. (If you lose your license and your debit card you usually need a mimosa the next morning).
Everyone ordered drinks, including myself and when the waitress asked me for an ID I politely explained my drunken debauchery of the previous evening. She told me that she couldn't serve me, and proceeded to serve everyone else at the table. My jaw dropped and I threw a silent temper trantrum. I was so pissy I decided not to order any food.
I did, however, decide to start sharing my boyfriend's beverage, at which point she came back and took his drink away from him as well.
While I understand the law, I think it was obvious that I am over 21, clearly NOT an undercover cop, and was annoyed that I was surrounded by a group of friends who could all drink their hangover away.
I haven't been back since.
^^
Silent law-breaking temper tantrums are the best!
Also, jam some fucking greasy food into your trap hole to cure the hangover, dumbass.
clearly your first rodeo. 'thanks in advance' for the bowl of shit some assistant manager has to deal with now because his restaurant owner only looks at the star ratings and has no idea what the fuck yelp is meant to do.
sorry lady, I'm fresh in, and you are fresh out.
Exactly, sir. You should have to be over 27 to be able to post on Yelp. Or there should be lower weighted opinions for the young 20ish posters who are the equivalent of restaurant toddlers who have no idea what they are talking about.
Wow, that is a classic all right. I hope this quickly got a million thumbs downs or frowny faces or "not helpful"s or whatever you do on Yelp.
I remember being a 16-year-old working at Shaw's and having to card people for cigarettes. Man, the bitch fits some of them would throw. I distinctly remember some woman wailing "I'M 20 YEARS OLD!" Like, how DARE I not be able to tell definitively by eyesight the difference between a 20-year-old and a 17-year-old. Her ID, as I recall, was in the car. Either that or she was a lying 17-year-old rageaholic.
I'm sure there were others who punished me by silently not buying as many groceries as they had planned to. I guess they showed me.
ABTL always be teaching lessons.
Post a Comment