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Jake Zavracky is the funniest person I've ever met, and I've met Bob Saget. He is also the most handsome and most sexy, and I'm not just saying that because this is actually Jake filling in for Luke who is on his way to Maine. Listen to the single from his new project "Zagittarius and Amanda" here, which would be a number one hit in every country if there was any justice in this world.
It seems like every time I check in on Facebook, which is always a mistake, someone is pointing out how unbelievably hilarious Damn You Autocorrect is. This is a site that posts screen shots of text conversations people send in, in which the iPhone autocorrect thing has changed a word and therefore the meaning of a text, often in a way that yields results that apparently everyone in the world besides me thinks are funny.
Today I added to my endless river of mistakes and went to the site to check out some of these texts which are purportedly so funny that they make people LOL so hard they can't breathe. And one thing that no one seems to be pointing out is that most of them can't be real. Right? They're not real. See if you agree with me here, and don't worry if you don't, because most people usually don't agree with me about most things.
Here, Louise sends a text to Jon saying she won't be into work today, and thereafter the likelihood of this being a real conversation ends. Why, in the first place would Louise tell Jon to tell Dave to call her about a box of Girl Scout cookies if she is sick and not coming into work? It's just not something someone named Louise would be worried about, trust me, I've known a lot of Louises. And would autocorrect change the word "cookies" or any conceivable misspelling of it to "pussies"?
2. Christina
There's kind of a dead giveaway with this one in that four tablespoons of vanilla extract is a about a quarter of a cup. That is a ludicrous amount of vanilla extract, which is very potent, to add to a cookie recipe of any kind, unless it's for seven hundred people.
According to my extensive testing while writing this, the word "vanilla", or any realistic misspelling thereof, does not correct to "vaginal".
3. Cara
Again, "mistletoe" or a misspelling of mistletoe getting autocorrected to "cameltoe"? Does anyone hang up mistletoe and kiss under it anymore, or did this conversation take place in 1952? Obviously not, since it's on an iPhone, which weren't invented until later. The whole thing smells.
4. Julian
This may come as a shock to you, but I don't know everything about Apple's autocorrect technology. So it's possible that it learns words like "butthole" if you use them a lot. But doesn't it seem unlikely that it would change a dictionary word like "buckle" to the slang-ier term "butthole"? And even if it did that, how exactly does the scenario work where Emily breaks her finger by getting it caught in Julian's friend's (whose name is probably Stan) buckle?
Stan: Hey baby, undo my buckle and fellate me.
Emily: OK.... oops my finger is caught in your buckle.
Stan: OK, let me back up very suddenly, that's the only solution I can see here.
Emily: Now you've broken my finger.
5. Mom
Who cares how Uncle Dick is getting to the reception?
Why would this person need to know how Uncle Dick is getting to the reception so much that he or she texts their Mom about it? And how many people refer to the manufacturer of their car, instead of just saying "my car"? Especially if it's a Volvo! If it's a Mustang that might be more realistic.
I know a lot about women's undercarriages. In layman's terms, the vulva is basically everything on the outside of that whole operation down there, including the outer part of the vaginal orifice. So you can't come "in" a vulva. Which, granted, is a technicality but I still don't think it's funny.
If you want to learn more about the vulva go read this wikipedia article (that I totally did NOT use to get some of my vaginal facts) which includes an unintentionally hilarious picture of vaginas with corresponding unintentionally hilarious caption about vaginas.
I have an Uncle Dick, but he didn't like the name Dick anymore (understandably) and wanted everyone to start calling him Richard, which I had a really hard time with after calling him Uncle Dick since birth. (I literally came out of the womb saying his name). He did not find "Uncle Dickers" to be an acceptable substitute. So now it takes me ten seconds to say Uncle Richard.
Well this was really important, and I'm glad I did it, and so are you probably. There's not a lot of people willing to get their hands dirty in this world.*
*that statement has nothing to do with vaginas. Or does it? It does.
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