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A viral marketing blog for sneakers or whatever asked me to write something uplifting about sports, but, you'll be surprised to learn, what I turned in was a little too negative for their taste, and since we're being honest here, I kind of half-assed it. Fortunately, overly negative and half-assed is pretty much our calling card around here at PTSOTL, so here it is.
If you're reading this [cool sneaker-based blog] it's safe to assume you have an interest in sports. On the other hand, you're also probably at least passing for cool and therefor have loads of friends who think sports, especially the popular ones, are gross. It's a tough spot to be in, but I'm here to make you feel better about it. There are plenty of reasons to not like sports, sure, but all of those reasons are 100% stupid. Here's why.
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Sports are violent
Yes, the basis of most team sports is big men smashing into one another at high speed. Sports are by their very nature violent, and it's understandable for a reasonable person to be apprehensive about violence. But how come no one ever talks about all of the millions and millions of heads throughout history that didn't get fucking chopped off because men had sports to channel their energy into?
We're a tribal sort, mankind, and we don't take kindly to marauders from yonder village raiding our caves and snatching up all our pelts, particularly when they have funny accents like everyone who doesn't live in Boston.
We're also kind of at a point where the whole raping and pillaging thing is frowned upon. A big reason for that is because we get to murder each other just for funsies when our barbarians fight your barbarians on the tv. Without sports you'd basically be carrying a crossbow to a school that doesn't exist every day instead of a skateboard and an iPad. Your call.
Athletes are idiots
True, most professional athletes are insufferable self-important cretins who'd just as soon piss on your face as shake your hand or look you in the eye, but who else are you going to admire instead? News flash for you sensitive indie types out there who can't get into sports -- everyone you like is a dick too. Musicians? Yikes. How many professional musicians have you ever spent time with? Dumb as a box of tits and even less interested in acknowledging a fan's existence than these millionaire accidents of nature whose specifically colored laundry we root for. Writers? Pompous, insecure and pedantic. That's like the trifecta of douche-hood. (Also, coincidentally the three symbols on my family's coat of arms). Politicians? Haha. Come on dude. Here's how the world works: everyone is a bore. It's not athletes you hate then, it's people. Don't be inconsistent.
Sports scarred your childhood
Here's the number one reason why people don't like sports: high school. Boo hoo, some big oaf got more attention from girls than you did like a million years ago. You know who else got more action than you? Handsome dudes. Do you hate handsomeness? That's weird. Or else maybe dad was mean to you when the game was on when you were younger and wouldn't pay attention to you. There's an expression in sports we have when something like this happens, it's goes like this “rub some dirt on it you big pussy.” That response sort of relates to the next knock on sports, which is this:
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Professional sports are misogynistic and homophobic and nationalistic
Um. Yeah. Let's skip over these ones.
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Sports fans themselves
I call this one the Coldplay corollary. You can't hold the fans of a band against them, no matter how much they represent the uninspiring mediocrity of popular culture. Same thing with a sport. Sure, most professional sports fans seem like they're all fat, middle-aged sausage-neck neanderthals waiting on hold on sports radio all day so they can chime in with their 30 seconds of half-baked wisdom, but that's really only part of the picture. Sports fans come in all shapes and sizes. In fact in Boston where I live, you'd be surprised at how many creative people are all supremely devoted to the sports teams here. That may be because it's been hammered into our heads since birth, but the point is, you don't have to choose. “Oh, I don't watch sports because I'm busy reading/practicing my instrument/farting into my webcam for art.” No you're not dude, you're fucking around on Facebook like everyone else.
It's too late now, I don't know anything about sports
It doesn't require that much of a time commitment to get into sports. Here's what you do: show up somewhere, look at something. The end. Simple, right? You might be surprised at how easy it is to get caught up in it. Even if you have a vagina. Sports are pretty much the original reality tv show. You get to learn about all the obstacles the stars have over come on their "journey", everyone is always talking about how they "don't want to go home yet", and no one is really that likable. Lots of hangng out in hot tubs and horrible fashion sense too.
And like reality tv, all you have to do to get sucked in is turn it on and point your face at it for an hour or two. Sports don't ask much, and what you get in return are a sense of community, something to talk about with strangers that makes you feel welcome, and hours of entertainment watching people who are the best in the world at what they do succeeding, and often failing. (Unlike reality tv in that sense, where you get to watch people who are good at nothing constantly failing).
That's the essence of drama right there. I know it sounds stupid, and it is sort of irrational when you think about it. Why should you care whether or not a group of millionaires can move a ball from over here to over there? But let's not bullshit eachother here. When was the last time you actually thought about something anyway? Why should sports be any different?
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10 comments:
All good stuff. In my twenties (is that entire age range on the list?) I got all anti-sports, mostly for the dumb reasons here. Last few years though I've found myself getting sucked in here and there. It's a matter of realizing that one can enjoy sports without having to be a townie yeah bro sitting at the Pizzeria Uno bar every night bitching about how they could manage the Sox better. You're right, it's not that I don't want to talk to those guys about sports. It's that I don't want to talk to those guys about anything, and that's not the fault of sports. Making yourself not enjoy something is stupid.
Just as you say though on the talking about sports thing. You know, I don't really want to take a snooty academic approach to sports when I talk about them either. I just want to enjoy a spectacle with my friends. There's no different in that than going to a concert.
Early twenties is at the top of the list. That gives me a good idea, what are the most List-worthy age groupings?
Sports, definitely not on the list. Talking with people about sports? Oh, you better believe that's on the list.
I kind of don't even want to talk about sport with the people I like talking about sports with.
Ha! Great post. :)
Can you hold it against sports that the object is always the same day after day, year after year? Music, movies, handsomeness change frequently and even recycled styles have a tad something new. When you watch sports its always the same rules, same game. Unless you count new players......but I don't
Good question. Some might say that's the appeal of sports, tradition and all that, especially in baseball. A big part of sports is glorifying the past. That's both good and bad. Bad in the conservative sense of "things used to be better." But not paying attention to anything that's happened before this very moment you're living in is bad too.
You'll also find plenty of old timer sports fans complaining about how much things have changed in sports as well, much the same way olds do about music and handsomeness (or style in other words.)
I only watch women's sports. Much easier to beat off to with the exception of women's bowling. It's tough to nut watching thick ass Midwestern broads wearing pantyhose under their shorts. Put them on the list, O'Neil.
I don't think I have ever got one out to a woman's sporting event. Unless it was like the eureka idea that sparked the boner theory, then I went on to look at something else.
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