My boys over at Leisure asked me to contribute to a piece on Masculine Essentials. The story, which has some great advice and cool photos, is republished here below. Make sure you also go check out their awesome new blog every day forever.
They only used one of my suggestions, about how to drink like a man, but here's what else I offered up:
"Most of my suggestions fall under the concept of knowing what you like. What's more masculine than being able to share an informed opinion on something? Besides being really into football and fried meat, I mean. It's important not to be a prick about it though, because no one likes a pedant. That said:
Be able to talk passionately about one great author. It doesn't have to be something dude-powered like Hemmingway, or up its own arse like Calvino (although either of those are more than acceptable). It doesn't even have to be a man; Virgina Woolf will work in a pinch as well. You don't have to be a literary scholar to be able to tease out a few common themes in one author's best works, and you'll often find there is ripe material for conversation across any subject in the best of them. Try Raymond Carver for a start (plus he's easy to read).
Be able to talk passionately about one shitty band. Confidence is appealing, but so is self-effacement. This one is easy because you probably have shit taste anyway. Being able to make fun of yourself by pledging allegiance to an "un-cool" band makes it seem like you don't take yourself too seriously. Did I mention I'm really into suburban teenage metal-core?
Have a go-to drink. Same rules apply here as the author. Know the drink's origin, be able to talk about the ingredients involved, and try it with a few different variations. Shots of anything don't count. Two ingredient cocktails like gin and tonic don't count. Neither does a boring name-brand beer. Being into a type of beer, IPAs for example, works though. Even better is being, say, a bourbon or other brown spirit drinker who knows what he's having, what he's not and why.
Failing all of that, I've found having a ten inch cock usually does the job."
Be able to talk passionately about one great author. It doesn't have to be something dude-powered like Hemmingway, or up its own arse like Calvino (although either of those are more than acceptable). It doesn't even have to be a man; Virgina Woolf will work in a pinch as well. You don't have to be a literary scholar to be able to tease out a few common themes in one author's best works, and you'll often find there is ripe material for conversation across any subject in the best of them. Try Raymond Carver for a start (plus he's easy to read).
Be able to talk passionately about one shitty band. Confidence is appealing, but so is self-effacement. This one is easy because you probably have shit taste anyway. Being able to make fun of yourself by pledging allegiance to an "un-cool" band makes it seem like you don't take yourself too seriously. Did I mention I'm really into suburban teenage metal-core?
Have a go-to drink. Same rules apply here as the author. Know the drink's origin, be able to talk about the ingredients involved, and try it with a few different variations. Shots of anything don't count. Two ingredient cocktails like gin and tonic don't count. Neither does a boring name-brand beer. Being into a type of beer, IPAs for example, works though. Even better is being, say, a bourbon or other brown spirit drinker who knows what he's having, what he's not and why.
Failing all of that, I've found having a ten inch cock usually does the job."
Without further ado:
There’s no need to pontificate about how the nature of being a man has changed over the years, it hasn’t at all, being a man can defined by the same two things it always has been: being a stand-up guy and having your shit together.
We put this together ages ago, it was a team effort. Thanks to those involved… You fellas know who you are.
ALL PHOTOS BY MR KINGSLEY IFILL!
Get some self control
Being able to hold it down in front of a girl who seems keen when you’re spoken for, call it a night even though you’ve got a bump or two left because you’ve got shit to do tomorrow, or get out of bed when you have to, is what makes the difference between people trying to push their lives forward and people who are workshy timewasters. This one’s mainly about respect for other people: your girl will be hurt by you cheating on her, your old friends tomorrow will be disappointed that you turned up to the reunion all coked out and useless, and going to work an hour late is for interns and people no one in the office respects. Get it together, buddy, you’re not the centre of the universe.
You sometimes hear it said that great men were salacious gossips, maybe Oscar Wilde or a fun loving Royal from history. But before you start running your mouth off about who’s been banging who, ask yourself, are you a Victorian dandy who was also a genius, or a Prince who was also a master tactician on the battlefield? If the answer’s no to either of those questions, then keep that information to yourself and be considered a stoic, trustworthy guy by your peers.
Know about current affairs, know when to talk about them
If you’re out of your teens, you should read a newspaper at least once a week and not feel overwhelmingly compelled to turn over the channel when the news comes on. You should know what’s going on in the world, because one day someone will ask your opinion and you’ll have to give it, and if it’s just “fuck George Bush!”, then they’ll think you’re an idiot. Conversely, what you shouldn’t do is give your opinions to people who are just minding their own business and don’t want to hear them. It’s been said many times before, but religion and politics are not suitable dinner party conversation, because no one wants to get bummed out by dogma when they’re trying to enjoy their Profiteroles.
Have a pregnancy scare
Obviously, avoid this if you possibly can, but if it happens, it’ll go a long way to telling you and the ‘pregnantee’ what kind of a man you really are. It goes without saying that running away isn’t right, but neither is showing a lot of fear, saying ‘I thought you were getting fat’ or not being right fucking there when she needs you. Weird things are happening inside of her, and until this thing is over, you are going to be her shadow, catering to her every need, both emotional and physical, but also knowing when to disappear at just the right time, you being in her face all the time is stressing her out. Either this is going to go away naturally or you’re dealing with a pregnant person, and if you’re dealing with one of them, bailing is not an option. Whether that lil guy’s coming out by vacuum or midwife, you’re to blame, and you damn well deal with the consequences like a man.
Own a decent, non-digital timepiece
Mobile phones have clocks on, sure, and so do laptops, but you’re missing the point, neither of those things say ‘I’m an adult male with achievements under my belt and responsibilities on my shoulders’ like a watch that cost over 80 quid and has precision engineering inside of it. It’s jewellery that celebrates wealth, style and ingenuity by being expensive, stylish and efficient, and when someone sees you flash that, they’ll see you like that too. Your watch is a metaphor for yourself. Checking the time on that jumped up Game Boy of a phone doesn’t set you apart from the adolescents playing Crash Bandicoot on the tube. Step up.
Own The Chronic
The reason The Chronic (1992) sounds so laid back compared to Straight Outta Compton (1988) isn’t that Dre started smoking weed, it’s that he had four years more life experience, he turned from 23 to 27. So instead of rattling, angry production and simplistic lyrical sloganeering, there’s a thoughtful, relaxed menace, a confidence and a matter of fact honesty that he wouldn’t have been capable of at 23. The Chronic isn’t just a load of songs about weed and 187s (although a lot of it is about those things), it’s the sound of a man accepting himself and knowing himself (likes: weed, dislikes: police). If you’ve got The Chronic, then you’ve an idea of what it is to be a grown up. Seems weird but it’s (maybe) true.
Get Hold Of Some 5 HTP
The goalposts have been moved for doing drugs, it’s no longer the preserve of the young. Today it’s pretty much ok to take them until you’re forty (people over 30 are restricted to once every two months… sorry), but any time after 23, it’s not ok to miss family functions, work or dates to zoos with bookish girls because of them, unreliability is not the mark of a man. 5 HTP is a supplement that you can get in health food stores that boosts your serotonin production and also makes you a little drowsy, so take a couple of these when you get in from taking drugs, then take some more when you wake up, and you won’t be on sparkling form, but you’ll be ok to talk to your dad at lunch for two hours without crying or falling into a spiral of self doubt.
Own a Nike tracksuit
A grey marl Nike tracksuit is what you should be wearing around the house, to the shop and even occasionally to a bar. Nothing says ‘even at rest I keep it together’ like a Nike trackie. They’re smooth, comfortable and warm, they go along way to making you look relaxed in yourself and the grey marl makes them look clean for way longer than they actually are clean. You could go for another brand tracksuit, but thing about a Nike tracksuit that makes it special is that, if you go any cheaper, you look like a junkie/Sportsworld shopper, and if you go more expensive you look like an Italian Duke hanging out in Chelsea (Ralph Lauren) or Guy Ritchie shopping in Wholefoods (Fred Perry). A Nike tracksuit exudes discreet quality. Also, go one size too small otherwise they’re crazy baggy.
Do what your girlfriend tells you to do once in a while
You can turn off your phone when she’s trying to get you to come home and never replace the jacket she hates ‘as a matter of principal’, but whenever you boast about that shit to guys who have got their shit together, they just think: ‘why is he acting like he’s 15 and his girlfriend’s his mum?’. You see that show Tool Academy? Fuck those guys, all of them except the one who said he was ‘cluckin’ for a joint’ at the beginning, because he’s welcome to come smoke with us any time. Those guys think it’s funny that they make sure they get their way every time, but they’re actually retarded, selfish babies. Fix up, chaps.
Have a go-to drink
Know the drink’s origin, be able to talk about the ingredients involved, and try it with a few different variations. Shots of anything don’t count. Two ingredient cocktails like gin and tonic don’t count. Neither does a boring name-brand beer. Being into a type of beer, IPAs for example, works though. Even better is being, say, a bourbon or other brown spirit drinker who knows what he’s having, what he’s not and why.
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13 comments:
British teenagers.
All pretty good advice, methinks. Except for the watch thing. I don't think anyone should wear a watch.
Good advice... but no man should wear a tracksuit in public. Ever. Not any man that wants to get laid by a female, anyway.
Maybe that's a Brit thing I don't know about.
That and a pair of testicles.
I'd go with
never look like someone else dressed you
if you have more than 10 people you're in regular social contact with, drop 5
never get surprised
never yell or laugh
don't be a fatty
Kind of agree that having too many friends isn't manly, but I'm gonna go ahead and stick with being a little boy if that's the case.
Don't be fat is a good rule for most things.
Don't yell is great. If you're gonna laugh, do it in a dignified manner, don't sound like a hyena getting tickled.
the tracksuit is kind of an english thing i guess
What is the American equivalent?
1) US equiv is jeans and a hoodie
2) Whenever guys ramble about alcohol I just think you totally wikipedia'ed that thing because you thought it would sound cool to talk about it, which is decidedly not cool
I'm sorry, weed booze? What the hell is that and where can I steal it?
Also, Nike track suit? Adidas is where it is at, bitches.
Popularity of timepieces that carry a piece of nostalgia or sentiment with them are on the rise. Don’t forget this one very crucial element to your look this summer.
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