I'm pretty much the last dude in the universe to go see Avatar at this point, but I finally got my shit together for a brief three hour window yesterday so I could go watch space dragons fight helicopters. Took me long enough, right? I would have gone sooner but I've been busy uploading music into my iPod, which I guess is like a portable storage device for cds.
I liked it well enough I suppose. But you know what really pushed this thing over the edge? The one scene where the bushes looked an inch or two closer than they normally would have thanks to the wonders of 3D technology. I probably would have appreciated it more though if wearing those goggles hadn't give me a brain hemorrhage. And eye herpes. Do they wash those things? Also, is the entire screen supposed to be pitch black when you're wearing them?
But, yeah, the spear pointed at me that one time like it was coming right out of the screen! I was so startled I jumped in my seat. The dude eating from a crinkly bag of candy for three hours straight behind me actually stopped gorging his fat maw for ten seconds. Everyone's head and eyes hurt!
Look here, Hollywood, if I wanted to get a massive splitting headache from looking at a bush in my face all day I'd watch one of the president's news conferences! Haha, good one Luke. Wait a second, they've got a new president now? Goddammit I am behind.
We can already see the action happening on the screen just fine, thanks. "But it's like surround sound for your face!" No, it's more like makeup on a corpse. No one thinks it looks more life-like and it's making your mom cry. A few bugs floating outward in the corner of the image isn't going to trick me into thinking I'm actually there. That's what ripping a tube in the parking lot before hand is for.
Turns out there's going to be all sorts of 3D movies coming out over the course of the next year, which is great news for people who like paying $15 dollars for two hours of people poking shit in your face. I'm normally the one who gets paid for letting other people do that. Haha, still got it buddy!
Let's just cut this shit right out before it gets out of hand, ok? They've already got a 3D entertainment system going that works pretty good right now, and we don't need another. It's called everything, every day, everywhere. Best part? It's free. I'm still gonna have to charge you for the face poking thing though just so we're clear.
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10 comments:
Why were the photos of Jake's brother in 3D? Those aren't even 3D in real life.
Were they? I was probably covering my face to stop the pain at that point. Liked the picture though!
This movie was like Dances With Smurfs, amirite?
Ebert made a good point about this shit recently in that one of the problems with it is it draws your attention to a leaf blowing in the corner of the screen instead of what you're supposed to be looking at
Exactly. Why do I give a shit about a leaf blowing? If I wanted to see leaves blowing I'd go hang outside my apartment with the landscaping guys every fucking autumn morning at 6:30 am for three hours.
I thought the leaf blowing was the best part. It distracted me from the awful story, which was basically just Mr. Baseball meets Jurassic Park.
hoof. Don't remember Mr Baseball,but that sounds about right.
i haven't seen this, but it's not to prove any point, i'm just fucking lazy. but i guess i should see it mostly because i don't want to be insufferable dude who hasn't seen avatar. instead i'll just be insufferable dude. or you can just call me jake.
haha, not bad old boy. everyone likes a Jake roast.
ohmigod, you hafta see it! It's like Debbie Does Dallas meets The Land of the Lost!
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