Because movies should be like blog posts: end with a kicker and not make any sense. The Visceralist offers up some free advice for aspiring screenwriters out there on how to go out in style. Read his last piece for PTSOTL Slangin: How to Talk Like a Contemporary Idiot.
Ever since Michael Corleone told his wife "Don't ever ask me about my business, Kate." screenwriters have been trying to outdo each other by trying to write the most gangsta cinematic line OF ALL TIME. And, yeah, there have been a few viable contenders since then. Phil Leotardo telling that woman who was an affiliate of Tony's on The Sopranos "Next time, there won't be a next time." after he shot at her through a phone book (but the bullet didn't go all the way through). Tony Montana talking about his balls. Heath Ledger saying "Jack Twist, I swear..." But, unfortunately, nothing has really blown minds all to heck recently (right commentariat?). Luckily for y'all though, your boy Vissy has come up with a few on spec. Feel free to disburse as y'all see fit.
Line : Your suspicions are right - that is my son. But I'm gonna let you raise him.
Context: Some drama where some underling has cuckolded the boss - which the boss only realizes at the end. Likely delivered as the underling is dying. His last words!
Line : You could die tomorrow...and my first concern would be: Is tonight's episode of The Simpsons a new one?
Context: Someone who's reached their wit's end with a friend or loved-one and wants to express how they're ready to write them off completely.
Line : You seem to feel like you just won the Superbowl. Nuh uh. You just finished a Pop Warner game where they don't keep score. Vicariously. Through your nephew.
Context: This would be delivered as a metaphor. Presumably in some business drama where the protagonist has pulled just a fantastic switcheroo on the antagonist. So good.
Line : And don't worry about packing a toothbrush. The place we're going has bigger problems than finding running water.
Context: A kidnapping where the victim is really in for it.
Line : Most people would refer to this as a wine-bottle corkscrew. Now, you...you're gonna find out why I call it...a password-extractor.
Context: Delivered by some kind of Bond villain to a tied-up Bond-type right before he leaves the room to consult with a flunky on some important business.
Line : The way I see it, you got 2 choices. 1 - keep your mouth shut...or 2 - find out firsthand how many companies are going to want to hire a divorced 55-year-old whose industry contacts send his calls straight to voicemail.
Context : Clearly a whistle-blower drama in the vein of The Insider.
Line : Guns don't kill people. I kill you.
Context: Something either Jason Statham or the villain in a Jason Statham movie would say at the end of the trailer.
Line: When we finish with them, the autopsy report is gonna say that they were more bullet than man.
Context : Expendables 3?
Line : If you asked me for 50 grand, I'd say "Here, pay me back whenever. Or never." If you asked me to kill someone, I'd say "1 hour." But you asking me this? For this...I'm gonna need your soul.
Context : Self-explanatory
Line: I knew you were wrong for me after I gave birth to our first child. Our second child was my gift to myself. The three that I didn't have in between were all for you.
Context : Awkward....
Line : I told him to blink once if he didn't want me to shoot him and to blink twice if he did. He started pissing his pants, which distracted me, so I didn't actually see how many times he blinked. But, really, I was gonna shoot him either way.
Context : The next Guy Ritchie movie?
Line : They think they can't be defeated because they believe that they have God on their side. Well, fellas, I got news for you. I got God handcuffed to the radiator in my basement. So don't hesitate to fight dirty. He ain't watching this one.
Context : Like that Braveheart scene where he's getting them hype.
Context: This would be delivered as a metaphor. Presumably in some business drama where the protagonist has pulled just a fantastic switcheroo on the antagonist. So good.
Line : And don't worry about packing a toothbrush. The place we're going has bigger problems than finding running water.
Context: A kidnapping where the victim is really in for it.
Line : Most people would refer to this as a wine-bottle corkscrew. Now, you...you're gonna find out why I call it...a password-extractor.
Context: Delivered by some kind of Bond villain to a tied-up Bond-type right before he leaves the room to consult with a flunky on some important business.
Line : The way I see it, you got 2 choices. 1 - keep your mouth shut...or 2 - find out firsthand how many companies are going to want to hire a divorced 55-year-old whose industry contacts send his calls straight to voicemail.
Context : Clearly a whistle-blower drama in the vein of The Insider.
Line : Guns don't kill people. I kill you.
Context: Something either Jason Statham or the villain in a Jason Statham movie would say at the end of the trailer.
Line: When we finish with them, the autopsy report is gonna say that they were more bullet than man.
Context : Expendables 3?
Line : If you asked me for 50 grand, I'd say "Here, pay me back whenever. Or never." If you asked me to kill someone, I'd say "1 hour." But you asking me this? For this...I'm gonna need your soul.
Context : Self-explanatory
Line: I knew you were wrong for me after I gave birth to our first child. Our second child was my gift to myself. The three that I didn't have in between were all for you.
Context : Awkward....
Line : I told him to blink once if he didn't want me to shoot him and to blink twice if he did. He started pissing his pants, which distracted me, so I didn't actually see how many times he blinked. But, really, I was gonna shoot him either way.
Context : The next Guy Ritchie movie?
Line : They think they can't be defeated because they believe that they have God on their side. Well, fellas, I got news for you. I got God handcuffed to the radiator in my basement. So don't hesitate to fight dirty. He ain't watching this one.
Context : Like that Braveheart scene where he's getting them hype.
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2 comments:
Line: No one’s ever going to say your life was too long/didn’t read.
harhar?
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