thinks Christmas songs are offensive. She is correct in this matter, and she would know about offensive songs, since her last post for PTSOTL was this classic Unfortunately, pedo-wave songs are kind of awesome. Here are some of the worst offenders.

Today is the Winter Solstice, and in the Pagan religions it is hailed as the great returning of the light. In simpler times, people would gather tree branches to start hearth fires and feast together in thanks that soon the dark days would give way to warmth again. 

In order to more easily convert the Pagans to Christianity, this celebration period was absorbed by the Catholic church and used to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. From that great combination sprung a wealth of Christmas traditions. Santa Claus, or Saint Nicholas with his many toys and reindeer, was taken from the Northern Lands. The decoration of a fir tree, or Christmas tree, was taken from the Germans. And the Nativity Scene was developed from the Vatican traditions. 

Since the tale of Jesus' birth was mainly told in churches, music became an important part of the celebratory process. There are scores of songs written about Christmas. Most talk about the birth of Jesus Christ however, and in a world where being politically incorrect, or socially or religiously exclusive can cause law suits, many non traditional songs needed to be written. Despite the fact that these songs were written to prevent religious offense, many of them are wildly offensive in other ways. Here's an example of a few of them.


Baby It's Cold Outside



A lovely date rape anthem beloved by foolish girls at karaoke nights during the holidays, who have no idea what it's actually about, simply because they saw Zooey Deschanel sing it once. Here's a very drunken recording of Louis Armstrong attempting to intoxicate a young lady enough to convince her to sleep with him. (Ignore the weird photo of a bird... not sure what's up there.)


Dominick the Donkey



Here's a jolly little ditty which disguises itself as a happy little song about a cute Christmas donkey, while simultaneously points out racially stereotypical connotations about Italian people. Also this video is full of a bunch of Italian dudes dancing around various parts of NYC and Brooklyn. Good job, guys. I still love that cute little oboe/jingle bell sound though, since I have a soft spot for anything that sounds like a horse trotting along in music. 


The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)



This song sounds like a sentimental soothing song about Christmas tradition. Meanwhile Jack Frost is totally gonna bite your face off unless you dress up like an Eskimo. Try calling the indigenous Inuit peoples of Northern Canada Eskimos and see how fast they bite your face off. 


Santa Claus is Comin' to Town




Just in case you happen to be a small child who still believes in Santa Claus, this song will haunt your dreams for years to come. That fat old dude is totally spying on you, all watching you sleep, all figuring out if you've been naughty. Don't be naughty, children... or Santa will come to town and do terrible, terrible things to you. I've always loved the Bruce Springsteen rendition of it though. Especially since he has a really hard time getting through it without laughing. Best not to take these things too seriously, right Boss?

We Wish You a Merry Christmas




You best be getting these guests some fucking figgy pudding or they will never leave. You'll be serving these assholes for the rest of 2013 if you don't get that figgy pudding on the table RIGHT NOW. They they gave you good tidings of merriment already and in return all they are asking from you is some motherfucking figgy pudding. Immediately.


Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer




A classic tale of bullying.  Poor misunderstood Rudolph. Good thing Rudolph didn't have access to assault rifles or I'm pretty certain this wouldn't have been as easily adopted into the Christmas tradition. 


I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus




Let's write a cute little song about marital infidelity as sung by a child witness! I can't tell you how uncomfortable the line "Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus underneath his beard so snowy white" makes me feel. Excuse me while I go take twelve showers.


O Holy Night



In case you were curious, there are plenty of traditional religious Christmas songs that are pretty horrifying as well. I'll leave you with the much covered O Holy Night. This song was commissioned by a priest to terrify the clergy into repentance. The original lyrics are pretty brutal and talk about bowing your head before the Redeemer and slaves and stuff. They really softened them up for Josh Groban's rendition to be sure not to scare the grandmas. I still find this offensive though... mainly because the ovary shriveling tone of Josh Groban's voice makes my hymen seal itself back up. Merry Christmas, one and all!