Jake Zavracky, the nation's foremost alternate history music critic, has taken a look at this week's top singles on the hot 100 chart. This is what he learned. More from Jake here.
#1 Bruno Mars - Locked Out of Heaven
Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah yeah. EURRGH! Oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah yeah. EURRGH! These are the sounds that one hears when one has been locked out of heaven for too long. There is an acceptable amount of time to have been locked out of heaven and that amount of time has been exceeded by Bruno Mars. This leaves him no choice but to say "yeah" over and over again while his presumably gigantic friends grunt in the background. He's never believed in love or miracles but now he has met someone that makes him feel like he's been locked out of heaven for too long, and that's a good way to feel?
Bruno Mars can sing.
#2 Rihanna - Diamonds
Rihanna and her lover are like diamonds in the sky. One place that is very famous for having diamonds in it is the sky. Her lover is a shooting star, which is why every time she touches him she has to be hospitalized for third degree burns. He is a vision of ecstasy. But what does ecstasy look like? It's actually really ugly. This song sounds very European to me, which is not surprising because it was written by Sia, who is from the legendary European country of Australia.
This is the best pop song of the year.
#3 The Lumineers - I Belong With You
"I don't know where I went wrong but I can write a song." Not so fast there buddy. This song is by a band called the Lumineers, but I am going to call them Train Jr. Somehow Train Jr. has the number 3 song in the country this week. Ho. Hey. Ho. Hey. Repeat 455 times. Train Jr is destined to be in a lot of car commercials, so they will make a lot of money, so don't feel bad for them just because they're terrible. This song is very short, which is the best thing about it. If only it was 2:43 seconds shorter, no one would have to listen to it at all.
I have no idea how this song is at #3 in front of Keisha's "Die Young". Well actually I do:
#4 Ke$ha - Die Young
A lot of stations stopped playing Die Young in the wake of the Newtown shootings, which apparently makes sense to Ke$ha according to her tweets, but shouldn't make any sense to anyone who gives it more than 2 seconds of critical thought. Let's make the most of the night because we're going to die young is not a sentiment that has anything to do with the Newtown shootings. I'm sure you could find plenty of songs in the Hot 100 that have some vague tangential relationship to that horrible event. If we're going to ban something, said 99.9% of Americans, let's ban guns. No way! said the majority of the House of Representatives. Let's ban Ke$ha instead!
It's a shame this song is kept from being in front of Train Jr because people are silly. Are there far greater shames? No.
#5 Maroon 5 - Overexposed
Somehow Maroon 5 is still around but Third Eye Blind and that band Rob Thomas was in languish in obscurity. There was a time when rock stars were people like Iggy Pop and David Bowie and Alice Cooper, and now rock stars look like Maroon 5. So thanks a lot, whoever was responsible for that.
This song has a great groove and it tickles me ear holes.
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