Sometimes it's pretty hard to apportion one's proper percentage of guuuh between the freedom loving Americans who believe in magic superman wot hates abortions and fags, and their browner-hued counterparts that do the exact same shit in slightly different (and foreign) ways. But when in doubt I'll pretty much always lean toward the less bomb-y option when applicable.

This latest outburst of trivial camel shit has finally gotten my attention though. If it's come down to this, a war against wholesome, buttery and salted wheat snack crackers, then consider me enlisted.

Earlier today Revolution Muslim, the Islamic group that posted a veiled threat against South Park this week, called us "Darwinist faggots who are as despicable as the rest, walking around eating your Triscuits." (Gawker)

Listen, you turds can hate me for my freedoms as much as you want. I hate myself for my freedoms actually. (That's called liberal guilt, which is also on the List.) But do not -- I repeat do not -- come for my fucking Triscuits. You are entering a world of pain. For men who live soulless, vacuous lives without sacristy, some things are actually sacred. Many of them just so happen to be efficient vehicles for delivering cheese to our faces. Also, by the way you guys...Triscuits and hummus? Come on, there's our common ground right there. Wait, savage heathen others eat hummus right? I better consult the Bible. Someone get Hillary on the blower, I think I just sorted out her next diplomatic agenda.

But, no matter what happens, at least all cultures can come together to agree on this one thing: Wheat Thins fucking blow.