Sunday, November 28, 2010

11/28 Never Forget

images via

You ever forget that you were replying-all to an email chain and accidentally talk shit about one of your boys? Total boner, right? That's what this whole WikiLeaks fiasco is like, only in this case your boys are fucking insane despots and military dictatorships with unstable holds over their nuclear arsenals, or else they're tenuous allies like Russia, (although I sort of covered them in the first two descriptions there I suppose). To paraphrase my homeboy Joe Biden, this is a pretty big fucking deal...



For those of you who actually use this site as a source of information -- Jesus Christ, dude, what is wrong with you? -- you probably caught wind of this latest document dump from WikiLeaks, but may not have looked into it yet. I encourage you to promptly do so. The New York Times and The Guardian, do a good job of breaking down the import of these communications. Sayeth the Times:
The cables, a huge sampling of the daily traffic between the State Department and some 270 embassies and consulates, amount to a secret chronicle of the United States’ relations with the world in an age of war and terrorism.


In the 250,000 or so communications there a few key revelations. Among other things -- and you probably aren't going to believe this -- they point out that Russia is a corrupt mafia-controlled state, the Chinese government are a bunch of pissy cry-babies when they don't get their way, Saudis are big sponsors of terrorism, and the United States treats prisoners of war like them little baldheaded bitches on the chess board.  



Wait a second, how is any of that stuff classified? What was the title of this report Shit You Already Know

There's a difference between knowing something to be true, and knowing it though. For example, I'm well aware of what most of my friends think of me as a human being, but that doesn't mean I want to invent some sort of invisibility machine so I can sneak into their homes at night and read their emails and overhear the conversations they are probably having about me all the time nonstop so I can confirm it, or go poking around through their cabinets and shit, and maybe just chill out with my socks off for a while on that one couch they have that looks really cozy. Maybe take a quick pass through their girlfriend's powders and lotions and whatnots that smell so nice. That would just be weird.

But I digress. There are some truly eye-opening bits in the WikiLeaks leak. Like the following, which, if nothing else, points out what a giant cluster-fuck the entirety of the WAR ON TERROR has been on all fronts. NYT:

Bargaining to empty the Guantánamo Bay prison: When American diplomats pressed other countries to resettle detainees, they became reluctant players in a State Department version of “Let’s Make a Deal.” Slovenia was told to take a prisoner if it wanted to meet with President Obama, while the island nation of Kiribati was offered incentives worth millions of dollars to take in Chinese Muslim detainees, cables from diplomats recounted. The Americans, meanwhile, suggested that accepting more prisoners would be “a low-cost way for Belgium to attain prominence in Europe.” 
Suspicions of corruption in the Afghan government: When Afghanistan’s vice president visited the United Arab Emirates last year, local authorities working with the Drug Enforcement Administration discovered that he was carrying $52 million in cash. With wry understatement, a cable from the American Embassy in Kabul called the money “a significant amount” that the official, Ahmed Zia Massoud, “was ultimately allowed to keep without revealing the money’s origin or destination.” (Mr. Massoud denies taking any money out of Afghanistan.) 
Clashes with Europe over human rights: American officials sharply warned Germany in 2007 not to enforce arrest warrants for Central Intelligence Agency officers involved in a bungled operation in which an innocent German citizen with the same name as a suspected militant was mistakenly kidnapped and held for months in Afghanistan. A senior American diplomat told a German official “that our intention was not to threaten Germany, but rather to urge that the German government weigh carefully at every step of the way the implications for relations with the U.S.” 

*pops collar* I'm just saying, yous krauts, it would be such a shame if certain countries didn't agree, so to speak, with certain other countries' very fair offers of friendship at this particular time, now would it not? I'd hate to see anything befall, tragically-wise, your lovely country. *stirs gravy. loves grandmother*



That's your news report for today, and if you learned anything from it, I worry about the future of our youth. But guess what? There probably isn't going to be a future anymore, because the  global nuclear war should be kicking off any second now.  So here's this awesomely racist comic strip I've wanted to post for a while. Just kidding, on the off chance anyone is left alive tomorrow to judge me.



In other news, everyone's Comcast internet is all fucked up tonight. I'm not saying it has anything to do with a massive government conspiracy to slow the release of the WikiLeaks documents, because that would be a little crazy. Then again, I've seen some wild shit in my day. Like this picture of a crab smoking a cigarette. You be the judge. 


via


brought to you by

9 comments:

said...

+10 for Engrish Flash panel

said...

Is that what that shit show is?

Anonymous said...

These right here, these are the pawns. They like the soldiers. They move like this, one space forward only. Except when they fight, then it's like this. And they like the front lines, they be out in the field.

Anonymous said...

I like this blog, i bookmarked it because of the smoking crab

D. Jean Mustard said...

i'm pretty sure manning threw 4 picks. i could look this up. i'm not going to, but i could. also that banner sucks.

said...

Yeah, but he hadn't thrown the fourth when I wrote it, and now... well, what can one do?

said...

Oh hey, feel free to make a new banner, literally anyone.

said...

that crab looks like he'd be a total dick. also, i'm 84% sure i've hung out with him oh more than one occasion.

said...

That was just me after I came out of the ocean.

Post a Comment