Monday, November 8, 2010

WTF DOES A SUPER DO ALL DAY?


This just went up over at Street Carnage. Go read it here, so I can justify earning the big bucks. 




If you live in an apartment building (which you do because, if you’re reading this, you’re in your 20s and either living in New York or whatever Canadian New York is), then you’ve probably had to deal with the building’s super from time to time. He’s the scaly old goblin who lurks in the basement and has a whole system of cameras set up to watch you shitting. His name is probably Janusz. For those of you who don’t live in buildings like that, the super is essentially the dad of the building: He fixes shit when it’s broken, wants you to turn that awful music down and doesn’t like it when you come home wasted so late at night.

My man here is a relatively young musician super, but that doesn’t mean he won’t throw your ass out.

SBTVC: What’s the apartment complex like that you manage? What kind of people live there?

SUPER: I manage an apartment complex in [the Boston area]. It’s two four-story brick buildings with 66 units, one bedrooms and studios. The buildings were constructed in 1925. There actually used to be a dentist office located on the ground floor. Yuppies, artists of varying sorts, grad-students and one elderly dude live here. Seven are privately and federally subsidized tenants.

What sort of training does one need to become a super? Is there, like, a night school class? Do you come from a long line of proud supers?

No training needed. I have a B.A. in English. I can assure you, my dad did not spend $100K so I would do this.

Is it a full-time job? Are you supposed to be on call all day?

I am on call 24/7. It is not necessarily a full-time job. Spring and summer is very busy. This obviously coincides with the school year. End of fall and winter is very slow. When there is a problem, I get it taken care of. Either I do it, or I call someone to do it. In an old building like this plumbing issues are the most time-consuming. However, weeks can go by where I don’t do a damn thing.

That sounds like every other job. So are you naturally handy around the house? Can you actually perform real manly tasks? Fix the sink and so on…

I am not very manly. When I got this job, I couldn’t do much. I knew how to paint apartments because I had done that for a few years prior. I have learned how to do a lot though. I am a master in the fine art of toilet repair and drain clearing. To some tenants, I am kind of like their resident shrink. I hear a lot about people’s personal lives and the problems they go through. I have learned that divorces and break-ups play a big role in people moving.

What are the most common, minor problems that arise?

Without a doubt, anything plumbing related. I get a lot of lock-outs too. There is no charge. Not yet.

I just had some nasty Indian food last night, so I’m having a few plumbing-related issues right now if you know what I mean (shit fountain-wise). What are some of the weirdest problems you’ve had to deal with?

I have had a few domestic issues that I have literally had to get between. Awkward. One time a lady went to sleep and left her kitchen sink water running all night. The next morning the guy who lives below her, who happens to be 92 years old, called me and told me his kitchen was flooded. I went over there and knocked. When he answered the door he was ass-naked, holding a mop in one hand, a pipe in the other, and he exclaimed, “It’s high tide in here!”

One time I was watching football on a Sunday afternoon. I smelled smoke and heard an alarm going off down the hall. I opened my door and walked down the hall to the apartment I heard the alarm coming from and knocked. No answer. It smelled bad though so I opened the door only to find the tenant passed out on the floor, bottle of wine in one hand. Smoke was coming from his kitchen. I rushed in and discovered his pan was totally engulfed in flames. I called the fire department and evicted him the next day.

That old dude is kind of a trip, right?

I saw him making out with this total skank in the public hallway. She couldn’t have been over 40. Gross.

Does the job pay well? Do you get a free apartment or something?

It’s decent pay, a free apartment, with bills included. I also get to contract out to myself when I paint apartments, so that’s in addition to my weekly pay check. It won’t make you rich though. But, I’m happy.

Do you have to crack down on people wilding out? Break up parties or anything?

No, it’s generally a quiet building. I like to keep it that way.

Ever have to let the detectives in to investigate a crime scene or something like what those swarthy supers deal with on Law and Order all the time?

I have had to deal with local law enforcement several times. Domestic issues, one break-in many years ago. Some motherfucker stole my snowblower. Oh, one time I was on the roof drinking a cup of coffee. This was at like 9 A.M. All of a sudden two cop cars come screaming down the street and stopped in front of the building. I go down to see what’s what and they told me that a lady had reported a drunk individual on top of my building. Duh. I explained that it was only me. The cop demanded that he smell my coffee and take a look up on the roof. We go up there (he was totally out of breath after climbing four flights of stairs), he takes a look and says, “Nice view.”

That doesn’t sound so bad. Any sort of porn scenarios going on? Ever get invited in by the lonely housewife upstairs?

OK. Back to the 92-year-old dude. He has a porn collection that would rival Hugh Hefner’s. Last week I found a porn mag that had been left on the radiator in the entryway of one of the buildings (Playboy, October 2010 with Sasha Grey on the cover). I grabbed it and brought it down to his apartment. Told him he can’t leave stuff like that in the entryway. He left a bondage whip there last month. His reply, “Well, I’d already read it. Thought someone might get some use out of it.”

That sort of logic is hard to argue with. What are the good parts of the job?

Free rent is huge. I enjoy not having to go into an office. Cool boss. It is very flexible. I can generally plan my own day. I take pride in the buildings and I like to keep them clean. I constantly try to make improvements whenever I can. The company I work for is great in many respects. They let me spend whatever money I need to to keep them looking nice. Oh, and the best part, I have a commercial Home Depot card!

I don’t know what that means. What’s your general impression of the way people treat their apartments? Are people in general just fucking slobs?

Most of my tenants are great. You’re always going to have a few slobs. If I go into an apartment and it looks like shit, I will call the tenant out on it. I’ve evicted seven people in the last six years. Get my point?

What did you evict them for?

A few years ago I was woken up at 6 A.M. to a domestic fight down the hall. I got up to check it out. When I got down there the door was open. I knocked and called out the tenant’s name. When the tenant came to the door, he had no shirt on. He was holding a guitar in one hand and he had blood all over his chest and face. The guitar was also covered in blood. He told me he and his boyfriend had gotten in a fight and his boyfriend attacked him with the guitar. I evicted him the next day.

That’s racist. What else?

Back to the 92-year-old guy. His hearing is so bad that when he watches his porn he cranks up the volume on the TV. The tenants in his hallway are always complaining. The guy just doesn’t care. And I am not about to evict a 92-year-old dude.

I can’t tell if this guy is bumming me out or giving me hope for the future. Anyone die on your watch over there?

Four years ago a tenant had to move out because his sister was sick. He was my favorite tenant. He was so depressed when he moved out that he took a gun and blew his head off. He lived here for 20 years. He lived it. But he fell into a depression and couldn’t take it.

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