Football season is here fuckers. Time to polish off your best shit-eating, phony martyr poses and get ready to pretend not to care right in everyone else's face.
Imagine that? Being one of these dudes? Just going through your shitty life not liking football? Every day. Just walking around all the time with a giant chip on your shoulder about the greatest spectacle in sports or entertainment ever devised since the invention of boners and chicken wings because of, what, some kid was a prick to you in high school? Some giant, barely-literate oaf got more attention from skanks than you in college?
Granted, most football players are insufferable self-important cretins who'd just as soon piss on your face as shake your hand or look you in the eye, but who else are we going to admire? News flash for you sensitive indie types out there who can't get into the aggression or "misogyny" of football -- everyone you like is a dick too. Musicians? Ooooooof. Ever actually meet one? Dumb as a box of tits and even less interested in your existence than these millionaire accidents of nature whose helmet decals we root for every Sunday. Authors? Yikes. Pompous, insecure and pedantic. That's like the trifecta of douche-hood. (Also, coincidentally the three symbols on my family's coat of arms).
Take off the hair shirt because no one's buying the martyr routine. Denying yourself the enjoyment of football would be like arbitrarily swearing off beer, or masturbating, or Cheezits, or setting up some random system of rules on a joke website to deny yourself pleasure like "no shorts, no beach, no fun." Only a truly deviant misanthrope would do shit like that.
Imagine that? Being one of these dudes? Just going through your shitty life not liking football? Every day. Just walking around all the time with a giant chip on your shoulder about the greatest spectacle in sports or entertainment ever devised since the invention of boners and chicken wings because of, what, some kid was a prick to you in high school? Some giant, barely-literate oaf got more attention from skanks than you in college?
Granted, most football players are insufferable self-important cretins who'd just as soon piss on your face as shake your hand or look you in the eye, but who else are we going to admire? News flash for you sensitive indie types out there who can't get into the aggression or "misogyny" of football -- everyone you like is a dick too. Musicians? Ooooooof. Ever actually meet one? Dumb as a box of tits and even less interested in your existence than these millionaire accidents of nature whose helmet decals we root for every Sunday. Authors? Yikes. Pompous, insecure and pedantic. That's like the trifecta of douche-hood. (Also, coincidentally the three symbols on my family's coat of arms).
Take off the hair shirt because no one's buying the martyr routine. Denying yourself the enjoyment of football would be like arbitrarily swearing off beer, or masturbating, or Cheezits, or setting up some random system of rules on a joke website to deny yourself pleasure like "no shorts, no beach, no fun." Only a truly deviant misanthrope would do shit like that.
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11 comments:
the only thing worse than this is the people who still manage to trudge out to your boy's place or whatever and then just shit on the entire thing the whole game. oof, those people. go die.
haha. too true. STAY HOME FUCK FACE
football is boring, none taken boring people.
Good god man, that's a grim tragic life you're living over there.
I officially don't like football anymore.
FOOTBALL RULES!
"the invention of boners and chicken wings"
yay on the first one, nay on the second. Boneless dude.
fuck that. buffalo wings weren't too hard for George Washington and cavemen were they?
I like my wings like I like the nights of most married dudes: boneless.
belated hoof to that ^
I don't mind watching a football game because hey, who doesnt like watching human beings do amazing things. But those bro's who make it their life and dont return phone calls because they're in the middle of participating in the gayer version of Warcraft (Fantasy Sports Drafts) need to meet me halfway here when I'm trying to find shit to talk to you about.
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