As I’ve mentioned before, it’s been a long time since I’ve worked in an actual office with, like, photocopiers and co-workers who start asking you what you’re going to have for lunch 15 minutes after you walk in. I’m not sure what it’s like now, but back in my day the computers they gave us fucking blew and no one knew how to fix them except for one condescending turd. My friend here is one of those turds.
I’ve known him for a couple years now, but up until recently I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what he did for a living if my life depended on it. Post on Facebook? Stand near me at shows sometimes? Make people nervous? Actually, he’s an IT guy. If you think that makes him a dick, you’re right. Also, he knows about the porn.
SBTVC: What’s your deal dude, you’re an IT guy?
IT GUY: IT consultant. I’ve had various titles like IT manager, System Administrator, Technical Support Specialist, but it’s always the same work, which is not being a dullard at computers and hoping everyone else is.
Oh my god, that is so boring. What is the company you work for like? What sort of computer use is going on there?
At the place I work, it’s less than 100 people. A lot of “artists,” who are somewhat tech savvy (probably because they’re fairly young), with a few serious technophobes thrown in the mix (olds). They’re all using fund-raising software, graphics programs, email and a small amount of Brazilian fart porn.
What’s the most common mistake people make with their computers?
The most common mistake is something I’m completely oblivious to because I have no empirical evidence as to how it happens. People get viruses. Nasty porn-centric viruses that lock people’s systems down, render them unusable, and paste throbbing cocks and damp ham wallets all over their desktops. I make zero efforts in my personal computer use to avoid viruses. I have zero anti-virus programs running. I make use of the internet without caution and never in my life have I infected a system with anything like I see, and see consistently, week in and out, on people’s computers. Nobody ever owns up to what they might have been doing to cause it, so I’m stumped.
What percentage of people at work, in your professional opinion, do you think are looking at porn on a regular basis?
I’ve founds hours and hours of porn, gay, straight and other, cached on computers. From the sheer volume of data, I’d say that most people must spend a good fifth of their day jerking off under their desks.
Do you guys really have access to all our secret shit? What have you found on someone’s computer that is reee-diculous?
Not only do I have access to all your secret shit, I completely take advantage of that fact constantly. I always go through peoples pictures and, less so, emails. It’s a job that appeals to people who have control issues and are voyeurs. I regularly set up secret accounts with top level access at all companies I work for, so when I leave I can still get in to anything I want. I’ve rarely used those accounts, but the guy inside me who needs to have access to everything needs it. I should’ve been a locksmith.
That’s pretty sketchy. I’d probably do it too though.
I’ve come across some embarrassing emails, sometimes in a boss’ email where they’re talking shit about their bosses. I make sure to file a copy away for a rainy day. In one instance, a completely computer illiterate woman fucked up her laptop and handed it off to me to fix. In her pictures was a photo of herself reclining on a couch sporting nothing but a red beret. I was horrified since she was in her late 60s, droopy and dry. I still masturbated to it. Just in case.
So what do you actually spend most of your time doing, besides masturbating?
I stroll in somewhere around 9ish. I log in, check emails, see what’s broken and who’s crying about it. I’ll spend about 10 minutes sending out emails to the crybabies, letting them know “I’m totally on it,” which I follow up with a walk to go get coffee and some breakfast. I’ll come back, and spend about an hour resolving whatever issues have arisen, and if there are none, I’ll be looking for new gigs on Craigslist, checking the Facebooks, reading blogs and maybe posting some ads for my side business. I’ll devote about an hour a day to doing whatever it takes to make my job easier and less hands on by consolidating systems, writing scripts to make tasks automated, making sure I have remote access to everything so I could conceivably do my job without ever putting on pants and walking out my front door. I act mainly as a digital janitor. I’m not really spending much time doing what it might take to keep those messes from happening, so I just mop the data-diarrhea as it is produced.
How did you get into this field?
I started doing this as a teenager in a call center for a company that was the outsourced help desk of Gateway computers back in the mid to late ’90s. Those poor sons of bitches who bought Gateways back then and called in for support… We didn’t have a clue what we were doing. We routinely hung up on people, lied to them and generally made their lives worse, just for fun. I’ve learned a lot since then, but I mainly use my powers now to keep other people convinced that they couldn’t possibly figure things out for themselves and continue shoveling money my way.
Have people in general become less computer retarded in the last five years? What was it like when you first started doing this stuff?
The last five years really haven’t seen people on average get any smarter about computers. Even though my main resource for knowledge is something they use every god damn day: Google. People seem to figure things out just fine when there is no IT department, but as soon as you add us to the mix it’s like anything that you can plug in becomes more confusing.
My mother sees stuff on the local news about how terrorists are gonna steal her money through her Hotmail and then thinks the internet is scary. How fucking dumb is my mom? Is that whole stealing your identity shit fake or what?
Your mom is fucking retarded, but that’s just because she’s, I’m assuming, human. Getting scammed is all our fates as our addled brains sink further into dementia. The internet is far less scary than the real world and if you exercise the same amount of savvy as you would if walking around any major city at night alone with the ass flap of your long johns unbuttoned, you’ll be fine.
You sound like kind of a dick. Why don’t you tell us something poignant so everyone doesn’t think my friends suck.
Despite my natural inclination to avoid people, this is a service job, and if my past reviews and recommendations have a glimmer of truth to them, I’m quite good at that aspect of it. Avoiding problems that I deem unimportant is one part of the job I sincerely enjoy for reasons maybe only my therapist could tell you, but I get a much bigger kick out of being a go-to guy for disasters and being able to take advantage of whatever shelf life I can get out of this brain of mine to work towards a solution. Even though it’s frustrating to me that people don’t bother to try and figure their computer problems out, it’s affirming to be able to swoop in and make somebody’s day one little bit less sucky. People really get terrified when they think they’ve screwed something up with their computers since we rely so much on technology today. I’m happy to be able to reduce that terror on a daily basis.
SBTVC
I’ve known him for a couple years now, but up until recently I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what he did for a living if my life depended on it. Post on Facebook? Stand near me at shows sometimes? Make people nervous? Actually, he’s an IT guy. If you think that makes him a dick, you’re right. Also, he knows about the porn.
SBTVC: What’s your deal dude, you’re an IT guy?
IT GUY: IT consultant. I’ve had various titles like IT manager, System Administrator, Technical Support Specialist, but it’s always the same work, which is not being a dullard at computers and hoping everyone else is.
Oh my god, that is so boring. What is the company you work for like? What sort of computer use is going on there?
At the place I work, it’s less than 100 people. A lot of “artists,” who are somewhat tech savvy (probably because they’re fairly young), with a few serious technophobes thrown in the mix (olds). They’re all using fund-raising software, graphics programs, email and a small amount of Brazilian fart porn.
What’s the most common mistake people make with their computers?
The most common mistake is something I’m completely oblivious to because I have no empirical evidence as to how it happens. People get viruses. Nasty porn-centric viruses that lock people’s systems down, render them unusable, and paste throbbing cocks and damp ham wallets all over their desktops. I make zero efforts in my personal computer use to avoid viruses. I have zero anti-virus programs running. I make use of the internet without caution and never in my life have I infected a system with anything like I see, and see consistently, week in and out, on people’s computers. Nobody ever owns up to what they might have been doing to cause it, so I’m stumped.
What percentage of people at work, in your professional opinion, do you think are looking at porn on a regular basis?
I’ve founds hours and hours of porn, gay, straight and other, cached on computers. From the sheer volume of data, I’d say that most people must spend a good fifth of their day jerking off under their desks.
Do you guys really have access to all our secret shit? What have you found on someone’s computer that is reee-diculous?
Not only do I have access to all your secret shit, I completely take advantage of that fact constantly. I always go through peoples pictures and, less so, emails. It’s a job that appeals to people who have control issues and are voyeurs. I regularly set up secret accounts with top level access at all companies I work for, so when I leave I can still get in to anything I want. I’ve rarely used those accounts, but the guy inside me who needs to have access to everything needs it. I should’ve been a locksmith.
That’s pretty sketchy. I’d probably do it too though.
I’ve come across some embarrassing emails, sometimes in a boss’ email where they’re talking shit about their bosses. I make sure to file a copy away for a rainy day. In one instance, a completely computer illiterate woman fucked up her laptop and handed it off to me to fix. In her pictures was a photo of herself reclining on a couch sporting nothing but a red beret. I was horrified since she was in her late 60s, droopy and dry. I still masturbated to it. Just in case.
So what do you actually spend most of your time doing, besides masturbating?
I stroll in somewhere around 9ish. I log in, check emails, see what’s broken and who’s crying about it. I’ll spend about 10 minutes sending out emails to the crybabies, letting them know “I’m totally on it,” which I follow up with a walk to go get coffee and some breakfast. I’ll come back, and spend about an hour resolving whatever issues have arisen, and if there are none, I’ll be looking for new gigs on Craigslist, checking the Facebooks, reading blogs and maybe posting some ads for my side business. I’ll devote about an hour a day to doing whatever it takes to make my job easier and less hands on by consolidating systems, writing scripts to make tasks automated, making sure I have remote access to everything so I could conceivably do my job without ever putting on pants and walking out my front door. I act mainly as a digital janitor. I’m not really spending much time doing what it might take to keep those messes from happening, so I just mop the data-diarrhea as it is produced.
How did you get into this field?
I started doing this as a teenager in a call center for a company that was the outsourced help desk of Gateway computers back in the mid to late ’90s. Those poor sons of bitches who bought Gateways back then and called in for support… We didn’t have a clue what we were doing. We routinely hung up on people, lied to them and generally made their lives worse, just for fun. I’ve learned a lot since then, but I mainly use my powers now to keep other people convinced that they couldn’t possibly figure things out for themselves and continue shoveling money my way.
Have people in general become less computer retarded in the last five years? What was it like when you first started doing this stuff?
The last five years really haven’t seen people on average get any smarter about computers. Even though my main resource for knowledge is something they use every god damn day: Google. People seem to figure things out just fine when there is no IT department, but as soon as you add us to the mix it’s like anything that you can plug in becomes more confusing.
My mother sees stuff on the local news about how terrorists are gonna steal her money through her Hotmail and then thinks the internet is scary. How fucking dumb is my mom? Is that whole stealing your identity shit fake or what?
Your mom is fucking retarded, but that’s just because she’s, I’m assuming, human. Getting scammed is all our fates as our addled brains sink further into dementia. The internet is far less scary than the real world and if you exercise the same amount of savvy as you would if walking around any major city at night alone with the ass flap of your long johns unbuttoned, you’ll be fine.
You sound like kind of a dick. Why don’t you tell us something poignant so everyone doesn’t think my friends suck.
Despite my natural inclination to avoid people, this is a service job, and if my past reviews and recommendations have a glimmer of truth to them, I’m quite good at that aspect of it. Avoiding problems that I deem unimportant is one part of the job I sincerely enjoy for reasons maybe only my therapist could tell you, but I get a much bigger kick out of being a go-to guy for disasters and being able to take advantage of whatever shelf life I can get out of this brain of mine to work towards a solution. Even though it’s frustrating to me that people don’t bother to try and figure their computer problems out, it’s affirming to be able to swoop in and make somebody’s day one little bit less sucky. People really get terrified when they think they’ve screwed something up with their computers since we rely so much on technology today. I’m happy to be able to reduce that terror on a daily basis.
SBTVC
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7 comments:
I wasn't so sure about this guy at first, but in the end, I think he's arright by me.
I think he is honest anyway.
He makes me a little nervous.
So the IT guy who works at my company who told me that he can't read my Gmail because it's through Google's servers...he was lying to me?
don't trust an it guy.
Zoe, if you leave your gmail logged in and/or store your gmail locally (using Google Gears), anyone with the appropriate permissions (IT dude) can totally access it.
If you're logging out, someone on the same network could still potentially access data as you send it by "sniffing" your network traffic, although that's hacker ninja shizz.
Moral: don't stay logged in to any account you'd be concerned about getting owned (eBay, for example).
E
You might not realise it but your IT guy is really the most powerful person in your company, they can see everything you do and even make it look as if you where doing something wrong as well. They can lock you out, even crash your system remotely and it's there network so covering there tracks is a joke... After the crash he would be more then happy to put you at the bottom of his ticket list for repair... I have seen IT guys do some really nasty crap to people (Being one myself)... Story there was once a guy I worked with in this line of work who got a CEO of a company fired by bring his internet sites viewed to the board, now in the process I was dragged into this and asked if I had seen any of this when I did a check on peoples computers... I told the truth and said no but I also admit to them that out of 300 staff it would have been easy to oversee... None the less he was fired and that IT guy still works there even now... He told me 4 months after I quit that he planted the data, I made a call and the only thing they said to me was do you have any proof because he does... Number one rule! Don't mess with the IT Guy if it plugs in he controls it and can make your life hell... Most of us are fairly relaxed though lol.
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