As someone who has written more than my own fair share of hacky trend pieces, I feel a little torn about calling out another writer for his own transgressions in this piece 10 Emails That Could Get You Canned. But keep in mind I don't really care about anyone other than myself, so... actually, there's no second part to that sentence.
I do know how it is to put your head down and slog through a servicey piece of nonsense for the greater good though -- the greater good being not having to get a real job. Work, as I often tell the kids I mentor in the after school journalism/Muay Thai classes I teach, is work. That being said, this has to be the most banal piece of fluff I've read in forever, a period of time which roughly spans all the way back to whenever the last time it was I blunder-clicked my way onto the sort of darkened internet alleyway that waylays confused web travelers to the Huffington Post to get brain-mugged.
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| This is from an entirely unrelated HuffPo article about Bank of America getting sued, but I really liked how they found a stock image of the guy from Super Troopers acting like he's about to arrest the bank sign and I didn't have anywhere else to put it. |
So, nothing personal, sir writer, I'm sure, you know, it's all gonna work out. If it makes you feel better you can probably do the same to a piece of my work. For a start I offer you 90% of the things I've ever written. Choose wisely.
In the meantime, let's have a look at the least essential piece of writing ever, shall we?
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Oh wait, one more thing. Here's another AP photo from the NYT about the stock market crash. The thing I like most about this one is how the photographer had the pro-chops to make himself only sort of apparent in the shot, but apparently didn't have the patience to wait upwards of .5 seconds for this fucking guy to get out of the frame.
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Ok, so, yeah, let's go learn something.
For better or for worse, [Not only a cliche right at the top, but one that implies a conflict that doesn't exist. Who comes down on the 'for worse' side here?] email is increasingly [phrase we use when we don't have actual numbers to back it up, but still want to imply that the bullshit we're writing about is news] the way many [same thing here again already] Americans communicate in this technological era. [as no one calls it]
About 62 percent of employed adults use email or the Internet at work, a recent [any time you see the word "recent" used in a trend piece, it's a pretty good sign you're dealing with a fat serving of nothingness.] Pew Internet & American Life Project study found, and many [how many?] also have mobile devices that help keep them connected even when they aren't at work. [Let me get the jist of this assertion straight here? Some number of people use email at work, and some smaller number of them also have access to email via other channels? Go on...]
All that connectivity [All of it.] allows users to speed communication [A commonly used verb phrase.] instantly across thousands of miles [This sentence just reminded us how the internet works for some reason]. But failure to use the technology wisely can result in recipients being offended and the sender's judgment called into question. [A-ha! Here we have the hook of the story, finally. Consider this type of gooey nugget of concern-feint disguising the actual content void of the publication as the chorus of the trend piece. I can't wait to see what the kicker at the finish that calls this idea back with a pithy one liner turns out to be].
More seriously, [empty transition phrase] failure to heed [already repeating the exact idea of the chorus here in the following sentence, but with slightly different phrasing] some basic rules of email etiquette can result [Maybe it never has, but it can. Don't be the person this made up thing won't happen to, imaginarily, is what this paragraph of a trend piece generally reminds us] in workers being fired from their jobs. Just ask David Cox, [Seriously, ask him.] the former auditor for Knox County, Tenn., who was fired last week after he sent an expletive- and insult-laden email to Knox County Commissioner Amy Broyles. [SEE? I TOLD YOU JUST A SENTENCE AGO THIS WAS A THING. FOR PROOF HERE'S A PERSON FROM SOME SHITTY TOWN'S NEWS STORY MY EDITOR STUMBLED ON THAT GAVE THEM THE BRILLIANT IDEA TO ASSIGN ME THIS DUMP OF A STORY].
One such email, supplied to the Knoxville News Sentinel by Broyles, included the following rant: "You are such a B....!! And your family are weirdos that go to a wierd (sic) church!" [Color!]
Cox was fired following an internal review, which cited "impairment to objectivity" as the official reason for termination, the newspaper noted. [To be honest, I kind of appreciate being introduced to that bit of bureaucratic non-speak.] In letting his anger get the best of him, Cox, 43, essentially surrendered a $42,600 a year job where he had worked for nearly three years. [Essentially, or literally? Seems like that's what actually happened.]
Moreover, [Sick trasition, bro] it was unnecessary. A rule of basic etiquette is to avoiding sending email when angry, according to Jacqueline Whitmore, the brains behind etiquetteexpert.com. [Some website no one has heard of which he Googled when he was trying to find some one, literally anyone, to comment on this shit in the roughly 24 hours he was given to turn it in.]
Though the message contained within Cox's fuming missive is plain, the emotions behind many emails isn't always clear. [For some reason this is a reminder that a picture of your face mouthing the words of an email doesn't appear in the air when someone gets your message.] "Facial expression, vocal inflection or body language can't be conveyed in an email, so messages may be misconstrued as too harsh, too critical or too casual," notes Whitmore, author of "Business Class: Etiquette Essentials for Success at Work." [They wrote a book about some shit = expert source.]
Whitmore advises workers (or anyone using email, for that matter) to never send email when angry, and to take time out to cool down and re-read a message before sending it, to ensure that nothing has been written that may be regretted later. [This is actually good advice, because, for example, it's been like two hours since I first read this story, and to be honest I kind of lost most of the frustration I had built up since then and now I'm just like...meh, is this thing over yet? Then again,Jesus dude, anotherfuckingparagraph before we even get to the promised 10 rules? Ok, anger powered back up.]
Along with sending "mood mail," [Trend pieces are where neologisms go to stand in the corner] as Whitmore refers to anger-filled email, here are nine other email mistakes that can easily be avoided, compiled from the author's list of "15 Essential Email Etiquette Tips," [Ideas don't matter unless they occur in multiples of 5. That's internet logic. Would you take this piece seriously if it was called 7 Emails That Could Get you Canned? No sir. You'd say, "Where are the other 3?" is what you'd say. Unless you said "Why are there 2 extra?" ] published at her website:
[Wait, this whole thing was just a lead up to another thing someone else wrote about the exact same subject? Are you fucking kidding me? It's not even you're own thing... I can't. I just. Can't.]
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Screw it, here are the rules anyway.
- ALL-CAPPED email. Using all uppercase letters is considered CYBER SHOUTING (and you could be fired for it). As an alternative, use asterisks to emphasize key words. "Bob and I had a *wonderful* time at the company reception last night." [SOMEONE WROTE THIS BIT OF ADVICE OUT FOR OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE, PRESUMABLY, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THIS. WHO HAVE JOBS. WHERE THEY HAVE TO WRITE EMAILS TO BOSSES.]
- Personal email. If you wish to send someone confidential or time-sensitive information, use the phone or meet in person. Emails can be duplicated, forwarded and printed, so don't send or say anything you wouldn't want repeated or posted in your company newsletter. [OK, I FINALLY JUST READ ALL OF THESE RULES. JUST CUT AND PASTE THE BRACKETED POINT ABOVE AFTER EVERY SINGLE RULE HERE. THEN PRINT OUT A COPY AND STICKY TAPE IT TO YOUR MONITOR, APPLY IT TO EVERY PIECE OF SHIT TREND PIECE YOU READ IN THE NEXT WEEK, THEN PUSH YOUR COMPUTER INTO A VOLCANO.]
- Sloppy email. It pays to check before you click. Before you hit the "send" button, check for grammar, spelling and punctuation errors. Take an extra minute or two to proofread, or read your email aloud to be sure that it says what you want it to say.
- Joke email. A funny email may seem innocent but it may be insulting to someone else. Email messages that are hostile, harassing or carry discriminatory overtones are permanent and may be forwarded to others without your knowledge.
- Loooong email. Keep it short. If possible, put your full message in the subject line. For example, "Can we meet this afternoon to go over budgets?" then finish the sentence with (EOM), the acronym for "end of message." The recipient won't need to open the message to respond. Use acronyms only when your recipients know their meaning.
- Buddy-buddy email. It's better to be more formal than too casual when you want to make a good impression. Use a person's surname until they respond by signing their email with their first name. This generally indicates that they don't mind being addressed more casually.
- Congratulatory email. A congratulatory email doesn't have the same impact as a personal thank you note, no matter how many people you copy on the message. Besides, most people cherish typed or handwritten notes versus an email message.
- Over-shared email. There will be times when you need to deliver an email to a large group but don't want to launch a massive distribution list by emailing everyone together. If the recipients are unacquainted and you don't want to divulge all addresses to all of the recipients, use the "bcc" or blind carbon copy function. When bcc is used, the only other email address that appears in the recipient's mailbox is the sender's.
- Oops email. If you receive an email that was sent to a multitude of people, including yourself, reply only to those who require a response. Hit "reply all" only if it is crucial that every person on the distribution list see your response. In many instances, the sender is the only person who requires a response.
- Moody email. Never send an email when angry. Take time to cool down and re-read email before sending to be sure messages don't contain anything you will regret later.
Hey barely-literate retard, the article finishes up by saying, sort of. Do you kind of wish there was a way to make all of this information even more condescending and less funny.? Well you're in luck then because here's a video attached in which some poor girl has to act out the stage directions "sending email" "smirking to one's self" and "looking around and waiting for the moment before the office erupts in laughter at your gag email."
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Let's recap. We just learned about a huge new problem sweeping the work world, and the only cure is for people to do exactly what they should already well know to do in the first place. In others words, the lesson of this work place trend piece is USE COMMON SENSE ASSHOLE.
And what's worse, it didn't even work. This entire post I just dumped into the furnace is kind of like one long, angry email to boring editors everywhere, sent from me, a hypothetical employee that will probably cost me a job or two. I've learned nothing from this AOL listicle. That was something I never thought I'd ever end up saying.
And what's worse, it didn't even work. This entire post I just dumped into the furnace is kind of like one long, angry email to boring editors everywhere, sent from me, a hypothetical employee that will probably cost me a job or two. I've learned nothing from this AOL listicle. That was something I never thought I'd ever end up saying.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you...The Internet.
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3 comments:
TLDR, right you guysz
By the way, anyone emailing me, this is exactly the opposite of how I feel
# Buddy-buddy email. It's better to be more formal than too casual when you want to make a good impression. Use a person's surname until they respond by signing their email with their first name. This generally indicates that they don't mind being addressed more casually.
I have a coworker who says "cap locks" and it bugs me.
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