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| May I present to you, Luke's balls. |
Bad news, hipsters, you're all going to fucking die. Well, obviously, yeah, we all are, probably miserable and lonely, but you're dying right now as we speak, unless you're reading this naked, which is weird, but I can sort of vibe to that.
It's a condition that super serious medical science is calling "sudden onset ball squishing syndrome" unless I misread this piece in The Wall Street Journal Tight Ties, Killer Heels: Clothes Make the Fashion Victims.
It's a condition that super serious medical science is calling "sudden onset ball squishing syndrome" unless I misread this piece in The Wall Street Journal Tight Ties, Killer Heels: Clothes Make the Fashion Victims.
Here's how your fashion choices are ruining your life, besides making social interaction with normal, well-adjusted people impossible, I mean.
Tight jeans: Squeezing into matchstick jeans with cheese-stick legs cannot only cause nerve compression, it can interfere with digestion, as the Archives of Internal Medicine noted in 1993. Internist Octavio Bessa of Stamford, Conn., wrote that he was seeing 20 to 25 patients a year, usually middle-aged or older men, suffering from abdominal discomfort, distention, heartburn and belching a few hours after eating. "The diagnosis can be made easily in the office by comparing the size of the trousers with the abdominal girth. There is usually a discrepancy of 7.5 centimeters or more," Dr. Bessa wrote, coining the term "tight pants syndrome."
Since then, jean styles have gotten even skinnier and have also been blamed for lower back pain, yeast infections in women and a rare condition called lipoatrophia semicircularis, in which horizontal lesions appear around the thighs.
That belching and digestion stuff doesn't sound right, since no one I know who wears skinny jeans actually eats, but who am I to argue with a doctor. I never finished medical school. I never started it either, but I wouldn't worry too much about that, I read a lot of blogs.
That's not all. Cinch belts, tights, and body-shaping garments are going to cut your fucking legs right off like a knife through butter. Probably they are. Also on the list, ties and too-tight underwear, but since most of you kids will never have a reason to wear either or those, you should be in the clear.
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7 comments:
DO THESE SKINNY JEANS MAKE MY SCROTUM LOOK MANGLED?
I'd love to get in on the skinny jeans thing, but I just don't have the hips. By which I mean I have too many hips. I have a child-bearing pelvis.
thats pretty ghey
read this in my under wear, my amappy under wear...tho this are tight as well. Am I in the clear?
You better send pics just to be sure. unless Danne is a dude's name in which case I'll take your word for it.
My physical therapist told me about this after my skinny jeans ripped in the crotch during my appointment, where I was being treated for the same back problems an 80-year-old has. I'm like 'WORTH IT so ppl don't think I'm a fat girl' and he's like 'I don't hear anything you're saying because there's a hole in your crotch'. Then I never wore them again.
I'd say that's a fair trade off. Those pants I'm wearing in that photo above are about to get the ass ripped out of them any poorly timed bend down now. Gonna miss them :(
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