Our old buddy Arv has never been to SXSW, but why should that stop him from explaining exactly how it works based on his trip to Texas -- this is the internet after all. Check out Arv's site here. His last piece on PTSOTL was Why You Shouldn’t Pay a Cent More for College (If You Attend a Public University).
SEE ALSO: A couple of punters head to Texas, where ghosts exist
SEE ALSO: A couple of punters head to Texas, where ghosts exist
As the title should have made clear, I’ve never been to SXSW. Each year, before I even have a chance to realize that it’s a thing that happens, my friends start bitching about how all the hotels in Austin are booked. So I write off SXSW again -- until the week after, when everyone who attended starts posting pics on Facebook. You know the kind: people stark drunk and suffering from heat stroke; piles of Taco Cabana and Whataburger wrappers; people passed out on shitty motel floors and strangers’ couches. Every year, those photos rekindle the desire to be there in the pit, the bar, the mob. And then I forget again.
So yeah, never been to SXSW -- BUT, I have been to Texas on a mini Lone Star State tour with my old band. We played shows in San Antonio, Houston and Austin, where we also celebrated New Year’s Eve, so we got a taste of Texas, music and partying -- all the things that make up SXSW, sans the awesome bands and wristbands. Here’s what I learned during a week spent in Texas and how it might help you enjoy SXSW (or maybe it’ll make it worse, I dunno, I’ve never been).
Guns
This is an actual photograph of my Texan friend’s grandparents, and yes, that is a bible.
Guns are terrifying and shitloads of fun. Since the 1980s, my hometown of New York has become one of the safest places in the world, so despite what your uncle who used to live in the Village tells you, there are almost no guns here. That being the case, the closest a typical New Yorker has been to a firearm is while watching Die Hard or during that one time when a cop gave them a ticket for jumping the subway turnstile. With that dearth of experience, going to a shooting range and having dozens of people around you holding instruments of death while shots ring out from every direction is pretty nerve rattling — but after awhile, you get used to it. It also helps that Texans seem totally comfortable with guns. We asked the owner of the shooting range we were at where we could unload a few rounds of a shotgun and he told us, “Yeah, just walk down that trail and to the left. There’s a hill there. I guess you can shoot into that.”I don’t know what gun laws are like in Austin, but if you have the chance to hit a shooting range or even a few bottles in your buddy’s backyard, definitely do it. It’ll make you understand why NRA nuts are the way they are.
Girls
As the diagram above illustrates, 75 percent of the girls in Texas are blonde. It’s great if you’re into the Barbie aesthetic because that’s what most of the girls there are aiming for. Chicks from Austin are the exception, but, honestly, they’re too hardcore for you. In Austin, it’s common to be rendered stupid by a girl because not only is she a 9, but she has tattoos up to her chin, just finished chugging a bottle of Jim Beam and is about to light an M-80 in a crowded house party (and in your heart). If you manage to sift through the inundating waves of invading music nerds to find a bona fide Austin local, by all means go for her. Just don’t say that I didn’t warn you.
Cars
Texans drive everywhere all the time. Public transportation exists in some cities, like Austin, to convey and frustrate the poor, but most people don’t even consider it an option. Some Texans bike, but outside of the University of Texas students in Austin, they only do it recreationally. Oh, and if you’re seen walking, it’s assumed that you’re homeless. That’s just the way it is.
Considering all that, you’ll probably be shuttling between the bars on the west side of town and house parties on the east side by cab, borrowed bike or, most likely, car driven by your drunk local friend. But don’t worry: They’re drunk driving pros. They’ve been doing this shit since they were 16 and have had to contend with ridiculous manifestations of Texas’s heavy-drinking always-driving culture, like the paradoxical drive-thru bar.
Bars
Last call in Texas is 2 A.M., and it is serious. If you dawdle past that, bartenders will toss out your drinks and tell you to get the fuck out. I saw locals who had their just-ordered, barely sipped beers snatched away, and they staggered away without a complaint. Your bartender in Austin is dealing with hordes of assholes like you invading their town and that might put them on edge, so if you do lose your drink, just let it go and remember that while being pissed about a $7 PBR in Manhattan makes sense, that Lone Star was only $1.50. And how beautiful that is.
Mexican Food
Mexican food throughout Texas is usually cheap and always delicious, and Mexican restaurants there are as ubiquitous as Starbucks in Manhattan. I tried to find a great place I ate at in Austin on Yelp, but I can’t remember its name and there are literally hundreds of listings for Mexican joints. Let’s say it was Juan in a Million if only for its apropos name.
One thing though: People from New York, LA or any city in Texas love to argue about which city has the best Mexican food, but they forget that not all Mexican food is created equal. Unlike the fare in New York, what you’ll find in Austin is mostly Tex-Mex (duh). This makes questioning whether Mexican food in Austin is better than Mexican food in New York as ridiculous as asking whether ass or titties are better; they’re both great in their own way, so just dig in.
Y’All
Almost everyone in Texas says “y’all” and after three days there, so will you. It’ll actually be a handy litmus test to discover who’s an Austin local and who’s flown in for SXSW because the only native Texans who don’t say “y’all” are the ones who have spent time living outside of the state, where they were instantly and savagely ridiculed as rednecks if they uttered the contraction.
State Pride
Texans fucking LOVE Texas. Their state pride makes Quebec separatism look like a disinterested hobby. I saw — no bullshit — probably a thousand times more Texas flags than American ones. The car dealership in the photo above probably had a couple hundred state flags (you can’t see it in the picture, but each car had a small Texas flag stuck in the windshield wiper) and one U.S. flag standing flaccid in the corner. Texas pride also manifests in all sorts of other random shit, so be prepared to see things like Texas-inspired bags, chips, cookies, crackers, pancakes, shirts and tissues, and try not to feel like you’re falling into some Lone Star Twilight Zone episode. Austin also has its own particular brand of vehement pride that’s encapsulated by mottoes like “Keep Austin Weird” or the endearing “Don’t Move Here.”
By the way: They really mean that last one. The entire city heaves under the weight of thousands of SXSW attendees, and when you leave, I imagine the entire population let’s out a collective sigh. They love your money and might even enjoy sleeping with you, but it’s like spending time with a hot girl when you have gas -- it would be great, but you need your space. So go to Austin and have your SXSW fun, but know that no one there really likes you and they’re much happier when you’re gone.*
*Note: I may be talking out of my ass here, hating on you really hard because you’re going to SXSW and I’m not.
--ARVIND DILAWAR
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7 comments:
I'm from Texas and most of this is correct. For the seminal song on Texas women, I refer you to "Northeast Texas Women". The song applies to all of them. Also gives you a taste of the alt-country/outlaw/country-hippie genres that you might find interesting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHRCg-fK9Ss
I couldn't listen to that for more than 20 seconds.
Country music.
Bibles and guns, guns and bibles. Football. Mexicans. The end.
tex mex is not mex (duh)
you're mostly talking out of your ass. stay home.
I love your take about cars in Austin. That you can be assumed to be homeless when you are seen walking? That is just hysterical! There's probably a vast network of ford dealer bolton there because last time I was in the area, I've seen about 50% of cars on the road being Ford.
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