PTSOTL: A gringo's guide to kitchen Spanish

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

A gringo's guide to kitchen Spanish

I don't get it either don't worry

I have always been the least homophobic dude I know, except whenever I was trying to communicate with kitchen dudes, at which point I somehow transformed into Rick Santorum in a metaphoric sombrero. It's a dilemma that any self-flagellating liberal who's ever done time in a restaurant can relate to. For some reason every single Mexican or Central American dude I ever worked with over my many years in the industry were really interested in finding out if I liked hombres. Probably because of how tight my pants were? Do they have skinny jeans in Guatemala? Is that racist? Is this whole post racist? Anyway, Bronan the Barbarian knows how it is. Here's his guide to essential kitchen Spanish.

Have you ever worked in a restaurant? The most essential skill in any kitchen (besides not cutting your own dick off with a potato peeler) is giving your coworkers a hard time. Since pretty much every restaurant owner is a cheap son of a bitch who doesn’t pay shit, at least a few of the dudes working with you in the kitchen will be immigrants from Mexico or Central America. Time for a quick Spanish lesson so your gringo ass can keep up on all the best slang they forgot to teach you in high school.

***NOTE: I am most likely spelling all of this shit wrong.***

Pinche joto = “fucking fag” Machismo is an important part of Latino culture so make sure you insult your buddies’ manhood by busting out the word “joto.” Although this directly translates to “fag,” it probably also means you’re a wimp. Make it worse by throwing in “jotito,” which means “little fag.”
Ex: Toby is a pinche joto.

Culo/chi-chis = “ass/titties” Generate some macho rapport with these descriptive terms of the female anatomy. Also useful: “pinche culero,” which means “fucking asshole.” Good for discussing management.
Ex: Holy shit vato! Did you just see that caliente waitress? Chi-chis es grande! Si!

Pinocha = “pussy” The new guy can’t lift a pot full of boiling potatoes? Won’t grab the hostess’ culo? Yep, definitely a pinocha.

Puto/pendejo/cabron = “fucker” Use liberally when saying hello or getting someone’s attention. Ex: “Rapido, pendejo! Mas pinche hongos!” = “hurry up, fucker! More fucking mushrooms!”

Chaka-chaka - Depending on who you’re talking to, this is either “sex” or “masturbation.” Impress the entire kitchen with your library of insults! Also good: “chakatero,” which means “jackoff” and is a word most non-native speakers don’t know.
Ex: The busboy is a such a chakatero.

Chinga tu madre = “fuck your mother” & Chupa me verga - “suck my dick” Both phrases are useful for when you’re ready to quit your job.

Now that you’re an expert at communicating in a foreign language, try shouting out a few words/phrases on a crowded street. Adios, pinche cabron!

--BRONAN THE BARBARIAN