Complaining about Facebook is like complaining about the weather on Facebook -- no one gives a shit and it's not going to help matters either way so why bother. But then again I have these three minutes to fill, and I've had a mezcal or two, so you can see my dilemma.

Here's what I want when I go to Facebook: every post by every single person I'm friends with arranged in chronological order. That's it. If something is "important" I'm sure I'll find out about it somehow. People spend a lot of time on Facebook, we'll scroll down a page or two to see what was posted earlier, it's not a big deal. But when we come back 30 minutes later and see the same boner posts at the top, even though we have like 1,500 friends, depending on how many people have deleted me for posting too much this week, I simply don't believe that these are the "most recent" stories floating here at the top of the internet toilet bowl like a stubborn turd. There's a reason why people feel more engaged with Twitter now, an idea I think I read somewhere and could probably prove with numbers, but, you know, mezcal; it's because there's a logical flow to the way it unfolds. Something is tweeted, it sits there until something else takes its place, then it moves on. That's the natural order of things. "A king has his reign, and then he dies," as that one robot broad in Prometheus said.  

The king farts around much longer than he should on Facebook. This one girl I know who's probably not as cute as her multiple cam photo changes seem to indicate she imagines is like the Vladimir Putin of social media posts. MOVE THE FUCK ASIDE SON. 

 

Even worse than that are the new "trending articles" buttons at the top. Look at this hot trending article in the image above currently at the top of my Facebook feed. "0 people read this." Woh, hot trend. Wait though, maybe it's viral on the site in question, and just hasn't spread to Facebook shares yet. NOPE, FUCK YOU. YOU GOT HUFFINGTON POSTED.

TOP STORY THANKS FACEBOOK I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

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