Holidays are for food comas, and for me to re-post holiday themed list entries every year until it gets old.Check out this post from last 4th of July about all the amazing American shit you should be buying this week unless you hate your country, pretty sure it all still applies.
It's kind of hard to capture in words the exact mix of solemn reverence and ass-kicking that goes into the 4th of July, so until I can get a picture up of my new tattoo of Ronald Reagan skateboarding over the Berlin Wall you'll have to take my word for it. It's kind of like an awesome blend of going out for drinks for some dude you kind of know's birthday, 9/11 and the time Luke Skywalker blew up the Death Star all rolled into one. Only with a lot more hot dogs on the grill.
And what better way to commemorate our American exceptionalism than by pretend-bombing our cities. Nothing like some just kidding explosions all across the sky to set the patriotic mood, right?
Personally, I'm hoping they do that one firework routine they have where it looks like a flaming flower in the sky. That's kind of like my jam. Yeah, I know they've been doing the same one since Chinese George Washington invented fireworks 10,000 years ago, but you stick with the classics, right? You can't improve on perfect.
They invented boning and barbeque back then too, and we still haven't managed to update those things yet either. Unless you count bukake and potato salad. Which, when you think about it, is a pretty good way to sum up the 4th of July in general. Potato salad bukake.
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11 comments:
This might be the year to look into SSRIs. It's my constitutional right to download free music, slap some nitrates on the grill and glare up at the sky OOOOing and AHHHHing at the pyrotechnics today LUKE O'NEIL.
it's your right to like dumb shit, no question.
If I weren't so delinquent I would have put "Hating Fireworks" on the list. I get it: we're not above sitting on our fat asses drinking beer and eating sausages like the common man ... but we're too good for the ancient and magnificent spectacle of watching exploding flowers of sparks and fire hanging in the night sky? What's up with the overeducated schlubs at my July 4th barbecue who ignore this awesome display of science and art, so they can keep talking about whether Bruno is really any worse than Borat.
Fireworks just went retail LEGAL (well, sort of*) in Rhode Island, which means I am plain stupid-stoked (which makes the word "stoked" like double-stupid, eh?). Sorry, July 4 is my birthday. So I like pretending that all the explosions and sulfur stink and car alarms are partly because of me. Right now, I am sitting in my brother's house and looking at some of the arsenal he has purchased from a retail shop that materialized in a strip mall next to one of those pop-up churches (used to be an Eb Lens, now it's something like Lord Powers First Church or some shit) five minutes after the law changed three or two weeks ago. Lots of fountains and sparklers and jumping jack type o shit. Like this here "Tijuana Tremor Fountain" (CAUTION: EMITS SHOWERS OF SPARKS - CAREFULLY READ SIDE FOR ADDITIONAL CAUTIONS). Man these guys are so product and rascist-ready with the sombraroed characters emitting from the guitar and the sub-Hosoi-font they use for the word "Tremor" on the label. Made in China. Distributed by Alexron Co. Ltd. Hong Kong.
* Re. :sort of": apparently they can't carry shit that blows up, like good, old-fashioned firecrackers, M-80s, ground-blowers, or bottle rockets, which kind of sucks. Guess I'll have to go to New Hampshire or the dreaded South of the Border to smuggle the firebombs that we managed to get our hands on in previous years to set the roof of the nasty condo complex across from my parents' house on fire.
I have no interest whatsoever in making something explode. Unless it is boner related, if you catch what I am trying to imply here.
You are such an old man. Fireworks r awesome. AMERIKIIIIIII!!!!!
FUCK YEAH AMERICA. FIREWORKS RULE YOU SUCK
I am an old man, but old men have something called WISDOM. And wrinkled balls. Therefor I am right.
Fireworks are like your wife's tits, a wise man told me recently.
Funny article as usual. I wouldn't have the first clue about how to build a firecracker. Therefore, they continue to impress me. Escpecially, the ones in "Fellowship of the Ring."
4th July fireworks remember me my childhood because my dad bought a lot of fireworks that date ...
This is truly a great blog thanks for sharing…
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