I got a tooth pulled out today, and just in time, because it had only been bothering me for about three years. A few years back I had two shitty teeth, and both of them were murdering me on a daily basis like eating a piece of boiling tin foil lava over and over again forever. Except the lava is also freezing cold.
Not having dental insurance, or a limousine driver in a top hat, I could only afford to get a root canal on one of them, which, even going to BU Dental School to have it done still cost me about $2k, not to mention hours and hours in a chair of my precious time, so like $2k and, like, fifteen dollars counting man hours. No fucking way I'm doing that again I thought about the second tooth. Being what is known as "a dude" I figured, eh, the other one will just sort itself out. It did, for the most part, only ruining my life in spurts for weeks at a time before going away again, like bones herpes you might say. That was up until the past couple weeks, when it finally shit the bed. Shit my mouth, rather.
Not having dental insurance, or a limousine driver in a top hat, I could only afford to get a root canal on one of them, which, even going to BU Dental School to have it done still cost me about $2k, not to mention hours and hours in a chair of my precious time, so like $2k and, like, fifteen dollars counting man hours. No fucking way I'm doing that again I thought about the second tooth. Being what is known as "a dude" I figured, eh, the other one will just sort itself out. It did, for the most part, only ruining my life in spurts for weeks at a time before going away again, like bones herpes you might say. That was up until the past couple weeks, when it finally shit the bed. Shit my mouth, rather.
Look at this motherfucker. That thing was more filling than tooth. I was putting dental numbing shit on it for a while, creams and lotions and pills and shit. All because I didn't want to go deal with it like a man. By the way, you have any idea how many potions it takes to keep a guy in his thirties going? My medicine cabinet looks like a fucking wizard's Pinterest board right now. And only like half of them are for my butthole.
Alright, fine, I was sick of swallowing a constant stream of Advil every day and night for weeks, so I made an appointment to get my teef did. This isn't going to be so bad, I thought. I'll just peruse this here issue of Family Circle, and it will be over in no time. LOL fuck you, said the universe, because I was pretty wrong about everything. Kind of expecting that to be the last thought I ever have when I die at some point too, since you brought it up.
Here's me in the chair. Did you know they actually call that shit laughing gas still? I didn't get it, because, well, dude never offered. Pretty taciturn bro, this oral surgeon was. I used to consider myself a bit of an oral surgeon myself back in my day, I said, sticking my tongue out between my two upraised fingers. Should've said that, I mean. Classic dental chair humor.
So at this point I'm getting a little scared. They shot me up real nice full of Novocain, but it wasn't taking. Have a lot of experience making my gums feel numb from back in the old days, so maybe I'm immune. "Does this hurt," dude would ask, stabbing the most sensitive nucleus of fire and lightning clusters in my body with a giant metal torture device. Yes, yes it does.
So at this point I'm getting a little scared. They shot me up real nice full of Novocain, but it wasn't taking. Have a lot of experience making my gums feel numb from back in the old days, so maybe I'm immune. "Does this hurt," dude would ask, stabbing the most sensitive nucleus of fire and lightning clusters in my body with a giant metal torture device. Yes, yes it does.
They had to let it cook a little longer, I guess, which left me time to reflect on things. Also to take pictures of myself. (Someone kick me in the balls next time I complain about people sharing too much online.)
After one particularly painful shot of Novocain I literally yelled out three times.
After one particularly painful shot of Novocain I literally yelled out three times.
The rest was kind of a blur, but I took a few pictures that should accurately convey the experience.
The way it works, from what I can piece together from the style of ancient lever and pulley-based technology at work here, is they drill into the tooth to sort of collapse its structural integrity, then smash into it with a hammer, and yank until it crumbles out, piece by horrifying piece. Whatever illusions I may have had before about being able to stand up to torture if it meant saving my friends, or protecting my country or anything like that? Gone. Gone as shit. I'm sorry guys, if they capture me you should probably just consider yourselves got.
I tried my best to save you guys. Even worse than all of that though was this giant booger the surgeon had staring down at me the whole time.
And then it was over. That wasn't so bad, I guess. $350 bucks for a half hour of torture. After that I went over to CVS to get some Vicodin, which I'm probably not even going to take because I'm not into painkillers really. Also, strangely, it doesn't even hurt anymore, and here we are like 12 hours later. Kind of suspicious of that. I did almost puke in the line for the pharmacist when I swallowed a mouth full of blood and teeth crumbles though, so that has to count for something.
FOOT NOTE:
I found this image doing a search for dentist image stuff, and HOLY SHIT IS THIS THE CREEPIEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN OR WHAT? No, it's not child porn, although it is called the PediSedate, which, come on, close enough. More details here.
PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide, an anesthetic gas. The child comfortably becomes sedated while playing with a Nintendo Game Boy system or listening to music. This dramatically improves the hospital or dental experience for the child, parents and healthcare providers.Also for that pederast dentist in the picture right there too I'm guessing.
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17 comments:
This blog entry is like a train wreck where you cannot look away.
come closer
how did you find a dentist that operates you on you while you're shirtless?
Ish like this is why the US baffles me. The richest country in human history - and ordinary(?) people have to defer medical treatment until it's driving them mad with pain.
yeah, that is what many of us, especially young men, do here. in many cases it's a mix of laziness and cost, however.
Sure we U.S.-ians should go all universal with Health insurance, but then we wouldn't have shit like this read first thing in am. Luke's trauma makes my day a little less bleak. Thanks!
I'm about a month away from an appointment to have two molars extracted, which the dentist assured me would be quick and painless. Now, after reading this, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die.
Dentistry is so lame.
I exaggerated somewhat. It's not pleasant at all. At all. But it was pretty quick I suppose.
I'll ask for the laughing gas. I'd rather wake up and question whether I was molested by the dentist and his assistant than have to deal with any unnecessary pain.
I just had my tooth extracted too and I went in expecting some kind of 21st-century laser technology with tooth disintegration capabilities. Instead, a guy with some pliers grabbed my tooth, put his foot up on my chest and pulled as hard as he could for about 5 minutes. That's some medieval shit right there.
Oh damn it all to hell.
Ha ha. Toothless hillbilly. Now you have to listen to the old lady ride your ass about getting an implant. Last two pics are Fight Club quality. "Ah ha ha ha, Lou. Lou..."
WEll it's all the way in the back so I think I'll just coast on it and see what's good.
Whoa, only $350? Sounds like a deal. So, um, what happened to those Vicodin?
Ha. Think maybe I'll save them for a flight I've got coming up.
UPDATE:
this gaping hole in my mouth is hard to keep food out of it turns out. WHO KNEW?
Also finally started to bother me a few days later. Maybe I should stop pouring Sriracha all over everything for a few days?
Hope it isn't a dry socket. You'll be pounding all the vicodin if that's the case. I never listen when the dentist says not to smoke either.
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