Breaking news, some asshole doesn't know what he's talking about on the internet. Big story, right? But since the bartending world and the service industry are near and dear to me and many of my friends and colleagues, let's take a closer look at the stupidest article published this week on the internet, not an easy feat by any stretch. Some highlights, which I've Huffington Posted below: 

Bartending. I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Bartending was, by far, the most enjoyable job I've ever had. Think about it: Get paid to listen to music, talk to attractive women, casually watch television, and comment on current events without people thinking you're crazy.

Yo, we do tip those people now. Also they aren't paid like $3 an hour like bartenders.

But I don't understand America's tipping culture. Why don't we tip the people who do our dry cleaning? The bus and subway drivers who get us safely from point A to point B (or pilots for that matter)? The people who serve us at casual cafes or fast-food restaurants or the security guards who protect us at work and at school from the filthy unaccredited masses, or for that matter, bouncers?

Why aren't all professions created equally? And why is this hypothetical bartender the worst offender, in that he or she collects the same $2 for two drinks that required exactly 19 seconds of work as what I tip to the delivery person (dare I say man!) who has just braved rain, snow, sleet, and hail to bring me my bento box? (In the big city, we don't tip our mail delivery folk either, because, at least in my case, we don't even know who they are. That said, my dad has always made a habit to give the old Christmas bonuses to our letter carriers in suburbia.)

Maybe stop going to horrible bars if this is your experience? Just a thought. 

That overly-bearded hipster who has ignored you in favor of people who display more cleavage or douchebags who are more aggressive than you or jerks who flash large bills, is clearing nearly $500 -- 80% in cash -- during a standard 8-hour shift on a busy night. And when he doesn't serve you for 15 minutes, despite your constant eye contact, followed by internal heeing and hawing about how you're not going to tip the bastard, you do it anyway, for fear of retribution that if you don't tip him this time, your 15 minute wait will be doubled to a half hour sentence next time.

You want a cheap beer? Stay home. You're not only paying for the beer, but you're renting the ambiance, into which a lot of cost and work goes to upkeep, as well as the social environment created for you. 

As a non-cocktail drinker, I am particularly irked when I lay down $1 for the usually no more than 12 seconds to crack open a beer or pour a glass of wine. I'd happily keep a bottle opener on my keychain and then handle it myself, and charge neither friends nor fellow barmates for my services.

ALL BARS EVERYWHERE ARE ALWAYS CROWDED AND BARTENDERS NEVER WORK TEN HOUR SHIFTS FOR ROUGHLY MINIMUM WAGE WHEN IT'S A SLOW NIGHT.

There are even folks who tip better than the standard $1 per drink. Oftentimes, these people have worked at some point in their lives within the service industry, and say things like, "I know what it's like to live off of tips." And to that, I wonder, is it like being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, whereby you're paid disproportionately well relative to the work that you're doing?

Most bartenders are liberals, after all, looking for a free hand out. Here, just listen to what one guy said.

After griping about this issue, a New York-based British friend recently told me, "I believe that tipping bartenders is a substitute for a social welfare system here. However, like all welfare systems, it has been abused beyond its original, noble, intentions."

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