Nothing says patriotism like the 4th day of July, the one day where countries all over the world get together to celebrate the ideals of freedom and independence and argue over the best way to cook a steak. Never too early to start planning ahead, whether it's a revolt against the King of England, who's no doubt plotting to come steal all your gold and freedoms at this very moment, or just a barbecue that's like a giant, red white and blue kick in the balls to the world. This 4th of July you'll want to give your party that third helping of patriotism that will really push it over the edge. Consider slopping some of these fine items onto your life's plate like a giant glop of jingoistic potato salad.
The fine folks at CSNstores have got some great items for sale this season, which you will surely want to buy, because why wouldn't you? Do you not love your country?
CSN Stores, the 2nd largest online retailer of home goods, has hand-selected a list of Fun and Festive Finds for Freedom Day ’11 to help you get started. The red, white, and blue blend was designed to cover everyone in the family – from the grill guru dad who can brand steaks with “USA” and the stylish Grampa who can sport ‘freedom suspenders’, to flag boots for the fashionista mom. Take a look:
Wait, when did we start calling it Freedom Day, by the way? Is that like some newspeak joke I didn't get the memo on?
"Texas Irons USA Steak Brand – This steak brander labels your steaks with 'USA,' so there’s no question of where your meat is from, or where your loyalty lies." $23.70 pussy. Pay me or your steak is gay. FUCK YEAH STEAK. Eat that America, eat it medium fucking rare.
"Pride in America goes beyond just waving the flag," they say at CSN. No kidding. Like buying shit loads of flags to wave around and stick on things. "Valley Forge Flag offers a variety of patriotic decorative products to liven up the home in true American style." By which they mean tacky as dog's dick. What's more American than that? Besides branding a fucking steak with USA, but we already covered that one. $33.60 and it's yours forever.
"Toilet Tattoos Seasonal Toilet Seat Appliqué – Have all your patriotic bases covered with this hilarious toilet seat decal." Like that base where you can't squeeze one out without contemplating the proud, bowel-loosening sacrifices of our forefathers. Admittedly this isn't the image that comes to mind when I think of toilet tattoos, but who cares, it's TEN BUCKS. FUCKING BUY IT. BANG! $9.95
"Advanced Graphics Uncle Sam Life-Size Cardboard Stand-Up – Now you can invite some of America’s most notable names to your celebration, including Uncle Sam, with these lifelike cardboard cutouts. Other selections include George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Lady Liberty." $30 appearance fee for fake Uncle Sam at your party. Kind of a bargain. Ward off vampires and scavengers and China-men by putting this shit in your corn field after the party is over.
Why is Uncle Sam always depicted as a white dude? That shit is kind of racist. Never mind though, because look at this cute little fellow. Aww, who's the most nervously patriotic little pooch on the block? You are! $24.95 to buy this thing that will no doubt last forever. Mind the sizes available though. You don't want your dog to end up looking stupid in clothes that don't actually fit.
You can't buy Freedom, but you can throw a lot of money at it. UNLESS YOU'RE A PUSSY.
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5 comments:
I ain't got time to show the colors. I'm too busy ducking bullets from all the drunk mexis on the fourth. Racist but true.
I aint got time to bleed.
Where is it you live now?
Albucracky New Mexico. Asshole of the southwest or at least tied with El Paso.
I know you haven't the time to bleed. You got the rectal charisma.
I actually like the toilet seat thing.
I guess that is kind of a nice design.
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