Monday, June 20, 2011

Oysters are a fraud


There are so many different types of oysters available at finer seafood restaurants now, how can anyone ever learn tell the difference? As a sophisticated restaurant writer, here's my handy guide to understanding how: You don't.

Ooooo, these oysters are from Duxbury, and these are from Gloucester! Is there a beach town called Snot Locker, because that's where they seem like they're from.  

Maybe my palate isn't sophisticated enough to tell the difference between all these varieties of ice cold ocean jizz, but I don't buy it. You know what I do like though? I like hot sauce and horseradish and lemon, and so does everyone else. You know you can eat those things without signing on to an elaborate play-acting ritual though, right? 

I suppose the elaborate set up is part of the appeal, a nice bed of ice or salt or whatever, and using the little fork and squirting shit everywhere. Same idea with coke or heroin, right? After a while a lot of the appeal comes in the comfort of the rituals, laying out your works. But until they start selling different varieties of powder on plates at restaurants, I'm gonna pass.

The only reason people started eating these slurpy sea rocks is because they were everywhere in the 19th century. There were so many millions of them on the shores of New York City that people had no choice but to eat them just to get them out of the way of their boats and out of their faces for five seconds. People were really poor back then, mind you, and hungry all the time. And a lot uglier. There were so many oysters all over the fucking place that they basically has to invent the idea of restaurants just to unload all the little bastards. 

Soon enough we ate so many oysters that they stopped showing up to the party through natural means, and we had to import them from elsewhere, which fucked up the ecosystem where they lived. Next thing you know they're scarce. Bang! That's when shit got expensive. And now you know why people have to pretend they're really into oysters oh my god, because the only thing more satisfying than eating something that's all over the place to satiate your hunger is eating something that's hard to find to satiate your status. 

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10 comments:

Anonymous said...

you misspelled urrsters.

said...

Maybe oysters are like the Dave Mathews Band of mollusks? Can't hate them just because their fans suck.

Meg said...

haha. This one is my favorite so far.

said...

Jesus, this is the post that gets the most likes in recent PTSOTL months ?

I DONT KNOW YOU GUYS ANYMORE

Anonymous said...

wtf?
http://www.boston.com/news/odd/articles/2009/12/16/pair_accused_of_faking_death_from_bad_oysters/?rss_id=Boston.com+--+News+of+the+odd

said...

That picture is totally a marine rendering of the Game of Thrones finale.

luke in the books guy said...

they punked out by not having the dragon suckling her teet like in the books

said...

I wish they had been so prudish two human teat sucklings ago.

Anonymous said...

I hate raw oysters too...but you know they are available at some joints cooked too, right? Try some oysters casino at someplace respectable. They're like steamers on steroids. Delicious.

said...

I guess I probably knew that.

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