We've established a couple times here that all adults are pedphiles, and that perverts are trying, right now, to infiltrate your child's classroom, but just to be clear here, it's worth reminding the parents of the world that I don't want to fuck your stupid kid. I know it seems like I definitely 100% do, what with me standing in their general proximity and all, and my being an adult unaccompanied by a minor, but I'm sorry, I just really don't, as I may have mentioned before:

Sorry about that. Didn't mean to succumb to child-rearing instincts hard-wired in my brain after millions of years of evolution and violate your trust circle or whatever by walking within ten thousand feet of your kids.

I further apologize for saying hello to your boys throwing the ball around and goofing off out in the yard. Obviously I should have remembered that 99% of adults are just dying to get their perverted pervert hands on your child and whisk them away to pervert town.

I hereby promise to refrain from any sort of human emotions and will return to my previous inclination which was get those fucking brats away from me.

Is pedophobia, a thing? Because that's what I have. 

Turns out in some cities, like Brooklyn, it's now officially illegal to be an adult without children in the vicinity of children, as this piece on :

via English Russia

Two women in Brooklyn sat down on a playground bench to eat their doughnuts. They were issued summonses by local cops for violating the playground's "no adults without children" rule (because the way you keep children safe is to make sure that adults and children don't come into proximity with one another, unless the adults are parents or childminders, because those people never, ever harm children, and the only reason to want to be around children is to molest them). According to the women, the cops told them they were getting off light with a court summons because the official procedure called for them to be brought in for questioning.

Gothamist reports:

Yup, this weekend the police gave two young women in Bed-Stuy summonses for eating doughnuts in a playground while unaccompanied by a minor. 


Tickets for being an adult in or around a playground have been popping up fairly frequently lately—see the Inwood chess players—but instead of giving the offending citizens a warning and urging them to leave, the NYPD's M.O. appears to be to hand out a ticket. Here's how our reader, an anthropology graduate student, describes her experience this weekend...

Go read the full account there, just try to keep your pants on you sick fucks. And try to keep your head from exploding into a billion pieces. One of those should be easier than the other.

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