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Tall white guy and PTSOTL regular Jake Zavracky, who we last heard from giving us a tour of the foreign land of Park Slope, went on a trip where he learned many valuable lessons. He spent a week in Europe, which now, under current internet standards, qualifies him as an expert. More from Jake on this site here. Go check out his music here.
VENICE - Venice is patrolled by the Fuck Police, a team of police who go around fucking people. Or at least that's what I'm assuming, I never saw them.
VENICE - These street merchants are ubiquitous, aggressively peddling their wares to tourists. Up for sale are sunglasses, camera tripods, light up little rubber-band helicopter things, and useless blobs of goo that start as a ball and flatten when you throw them on a hard surface, and then regenerate back into a ball. How long can those balls stay entertaining for? Yet a number of men on this island seem to have staked their entire livelihood on your interest in their balls. There are at least 25 fellows sticking their balls in your face every 3 square feet of the island. They don't seem to have spent much time determining their target market. Do I look interested in your balls, signore? I am not. Try showing them to someone's kids, they would probably be fascinated by them.
VENICE - When traveling to a foreign country, it is a good idea to figure out the best way to communicate with the natives. Some would do that by learning a few phrases in the native tongue. My preference is to ask "Do you speak English?" If they don't seem to understand, I repeat, more slowly "DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?" or sometimes "DO YOU-AH SPEAK-AH ENGLISH-AH?" to make it sound more Italian. If they still don't understand I just leave.
VENICE - If you visit Venice and you run out of clothes, just remember that clothes are free there. Pictured is an example of some clothes left out by friendly Venetians for us weary tourists just before we took off with them. Grazie Venezia!
VENICE - It's very easy to accidentally step in dog poop in Venice since you are usually not looking at the ground and it is all over the place. But if you do step in some it's very easy to clean off your shoes in the canals that are all over the place. It really is a great city to step in dogshit.
VIENNA - The Hundertwasser House is one of my favorite places in the world. I wish there was a city where every building looks like this. I aim to make the buildings in my neighborhood in Brooklyn look just like this by secretly painting them at night.
VIENNA - These are columns outside the Hundertwasser Museum, which, due to its uneven floors, bright colors, and general themes of disorientation is not a good place to go when you've got a bit of vertigo from being on an overnight train with no air conditioning. I never thought I would get to see the Hundertwasser House or Museum and it was really incredible. It's not really a focal point on tourist maps and so forth, but be sure to go if you go to Vienna.
VIENNA - Here is a bun that I ate at the Hundertwasser House Cafe. The description on the menu said something like "bun with butter and poppy seeds" and this is what arrived at our table. After I ate this I couldn't move any of my limbs.
VIENNA - As far as I know, no one ever asks someone that went to Vienna if they tried the sandwiches. But they should! Just look at these little fellows! They were something like 2 Euro each!
PRAGUE - The only problem with this band was the only song they knew how to play was "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo, which they just kept playing over and over.
PRAGUE - Blankets on chairs are a popular thing in outdoor cafes in Europe. Personally I'm not about to cuddle up in a blanket in public, particularly not one that some stranger has also recently cuddled up in; who knows how that person is with personal hygiene.
PRAGUE - They seem to have an obsession with cocks in Prague. They've erected cocks all over the place. This view from the top of the bell tower in Prague Castle shows one such erection.
PRAGUE - Here are some swirly dough things being swirled by the swirly dough thing swirler, who was dressed like a wizard. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong.
PRAGUE - These guns aren't really big, it's just that the buildings in Prague are really small.
PRAGUE - Here is a bunch of pork. I like pork but the next person I hear say "everything's better with bacon" is getting punched in the dick.
BERLIN - Berliners are famous for long-windedness. It took me 45 minutes to buy cigarettes because the cashier was explaining the differences between brands in painstaking detail. Pictured here is a sign that simply says "No Parking".
BERLIN - This picture demonstrates my constant inability to see things that are right in front of me, like pictures of cameras with red lines through them.
BERLIN - Although this painting looks cartoonish, it is actually a very accurate representation of what Berliners look like, with their sea-green faces and day-glo red lips. Apropos of nothing, Berlin is also a very easy city to get drugs.
BERLIN - Here are the mean machines we used to ride around the city. Berlin is nearly all completely flat, which is good, because if we had encountered a hill on one of these things we probably would have had to turn around and look for somewhere less hilly. It was difficult for me especially on my bike, because I was way too large for it. I remarked to my girlfriend that due to my long legs and lanky figure, I looked a bit like Kermit the Frog on my bike, adding that she could be Miss Piggy. Note to all the fellows out there: avoid comparing your girlfriend to Miss Piggy, regardless of the context.
BERLIN - This photograph taken at the Stasi Museum shows a bird cage with a camera in it, which the Stasi used for spying on birds. The Stasi was famously suspicious of birds, and so am I. Who knows what those little fuckers are up to.
DUBLIN - Grogans.
DUBLIN - Brogans.
DUBLIN - Hogans.
And that's Europe everybody. Anyone that needs lessons in how to effectively spend their time in foreign countries, holler in my directions on twitter: .
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2 comments:
You've strayed from your roots, old man. Or maybe you quit doing drugs? Still a good piece. Czech women are insanely hot.
yes and yes
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