Or at least on the way to becoming one. Isn't that like being sort of pregnant? I guess maybe I'm an alcoholic, I just haven't been inseminated yet?
That's the premise of this piece in the Atlantic today co-authored by a clinical psychologist and psychiatry instructor Are You Almost Alcoholic? Taking a New Look at an Old Problem. I do happen to agree with the set up of the piece, in theory, which argues that maybe alcoholism isn't such a black or white dichotomy. There are shades of gray on a broader spectrum of sobriety to alcoholism. The problem is that the middle part of the spectrum just so happens to include every single person I know or who has ever existed.
We believe that, as opposed to thinking only those men and women whose drinking has progressed to the point where they need help, that many people in the mid-range may also be suffering as a result of drinking. That suffering may take the form of declining job performance and declining health so that the individual does not yet recognize it as being related to drinking.
Suffering as a result of drinking, you say? Hangovers at work? Feeling run down? Sounds like serious stuff. Not to belittle the disease of alcoholism; as someone who comes from a long tradition of shitty Massachusetts Irish Americans I'm more than familiar with its insidious nature. Surprisingly, however, despite what my career as a booze writer may indicate, I've managed to avoid succumbing to alcohol addiction somehow myself. To be honest, I don't even really like being drunk that much, and think the idea of "getting wasted" is juvenile and embarrassing. (I reserve the right to not live up to that next time you see me out). But if I'm to take anything from this piece, it's that I'm probably just kidding myself, and so are you. We're all just alcoholics in the future.
They've included a list of potential behavior that may indicate you're on you're way to maybe becoming a hypothetical sort of alcoholic someday.
- You drink to relieve stress.
- You often drink alone.
- You look forward to drinking.
- Your drinking may be related to one or more health problems.
- You drink to relieve boredom or loneliness.
- You sometimes drive after drinking.
- You drink to maintain a "buzz."
- Your performance at work is not what it used to be.
- You aren't comfortable in social situations without drinking.
- You find that drinking helps you overcome your shyness.
Sounds to me like what we have here is the profile of a guy who drinks because life is hard, he doesn't have many close friends, he occasionally wishes he were relaxing rather than doing whatever shitty excuse for a job he has, occasionally gets tired or sick from indulging, drinks to keep a buzz, which is something I didn't know it was possible to not do, finds it hard to bullshit with people about the monotonously meaningless trivia of contemporary life, and gains an enhanced sense of well-being through the aid of alcohol.
Weird, I do almost every single one of those things. Maybe I've been mistaken about myself this whole time.
I have a problem.
So do you.
I have a problem.
So do you.
To be honest, you could apply those criteria to almost any behavior and you'd look like someone with a serious disease. Let's take another common vice at random, say, I dunno, looking at internet porn too much because you work from home alone all day and what else are you going to do big deal.
- You masturbate to relieve stress.
- You often masturbate alone.
- You look forward to masturbating.
- Your masturbating may be related to one or more health problems.
- You masturbate to relieve boredom or loneliness.
- You sometimes drive after masturbating.
- You masturbate to maintain a "buzz."
- Your performance at work is not what it used to be.
- You aren't comfortable in social situations without masturbating.
- You find that masturbating helps you overcome your shyness.
Actually, that doesn't sound so bad. Except for that second to last one there, I think these are all pretty common too, right? Maybe we're also all problem masturbators in the making too, we just aren't ready to stand up and admit it.
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25 comments:
"Your masturbating may be related to one or more health problems." -- How can this be possible, unless you do it so often it rubs your skin off or something?
Ha, well since I made that part up I don't think anyone is actually saying that's a thing, but since you bring it up, I guess you could have, like, STDs of some sort involved? Or maybe you've got a bruised dick/vag with open wounds that you keep hurting?
If you are getting STDs from masturbating I'm sure you are doing something wrong there.
All in all I feel like this book the article about is more paranoia. You know I'm sure as a booze writer that it's been around for a very, very long time and has in cases of some alcoholics, been locked into some of our genes.
I feel like the "drinking to get wasted" is also stupid. I drink a lot but hate when I get so drunk I can't enjoy what the hell is going on around me, I get frustrated and know when to go home. Some people do it on purpose, get "black out drunk"--PURPOSEFULLY. I feel like this is a moderately new thing which, as a drinker, I find offensive. In the words of Bon Jovi to the binge drinkers: "You give love a bad name".
It isn't that the "almost" drinkers are "border line alcoholics" hopefully they just like to drink, and drinking and booze is something that's commonly around in social situations. I think that if you don't want to drink (for a reason other than you have to present something or do something responsible) in social situations there is something wrong with you.
Also, if there's no new disease that you can study just make one up, apparently.
Haha, good point. Giving yourself your own STDs is a pretty funny concept.
Yes, I like to drink. I like the taste of alcohol in many of its different forms. I appreciate the artistry that goes into making quality spirits. I like how it works with food. I like the stories behind the drinks and the spirits. I like to get a "buzz on" and become slightly more social for a time.
Like you, I hate that feeling of being out of control, and 9 times out of 10 will extricate myself form a situation where I feel like I am too loose and in danger of doing something weird/aggressive/embarrassing.
Also don't ever really drink during the daytime. Cool way to get tired and want to go to bed and ruin your whole day as far as I'm concerned.
Full Disclosure: I drank a bottle of Jack Daniels between 5 AM this morning and now. I needed to seriously CALM DOWN (know what I mean?).
Excuse: My only choices were that or Irish Whiskey.
Anyway: What do you think of the current state of Street Carnage?
Dude, what time is it where you're at, because you need to go to bed.
I don't like either JD, or Irish Whiskey really, although the image in this post is at a Bushmill's tasting I was at if I recall.
I haven't looked at SC in a while before just a minute ago. Looks like they're in great shape and engaging the readership on a meaningful level.
Don't worry man. I've totally sobered up, don't have a hangover, and am feeling great. I'm also getting some work done so I feel no reason to go to sleep (thank you very much).
I posted this:
http://www.streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/blog/scene-report-jacksonville/
after you got canned. I thought you'd like to know that because you went to writing school whereas I clearly didn't.
Back to drinking though. Is it true that Old Grand Dad costs less than 10 bucks in your town?
Not sure which is the trolling part, this comment, or that story, which is operating on some conceptual shit I don't necessarily get, but good for you either way.
To answer the more important question, I do not know how much Old Grand Dad costs because I'm a fancy gentle-man. It's made in Boston Kentucky, however, which is probably pretty easy to confuse with Boston, Boston.
I disagree. I love American whiskey and I was shocked to find that Old Grand Dad is a sweet bitch. BTW, who the hell drinks whiskey in public?
Alright, Alright: I'm probably feeling better because I snorted a ton of Ritalin. Man in this shit weird. What the hell am I talking about?
Good day to you, sir.
I also find that masturbating helps me overcome my shyness.
My central drinking problem is that my blackout threshold is much lower than my cumulative alcohol quantity tolerance, so I regularly engage in a series of weird/embarrassing/aggressive activities. Instead of feeling bad about this, I have instead resolved the dilemma by being (nearly) absolutely shameless, and reconfiguring my definition of a successful evening to merely allow me to wake up (i) not dead, (ii) not grievously wounded, or (iii) not in police custody.
Had to ask: what does a gentle-man drink?
Good day to you. I drank my way through a bottle of OGD not too long ago to be honest. It is surprisingly smooth and sweet.
Chief of Police of Malibu sounds like a real reactionary.
If you manage to actually get addicted to alcohol, then you're the king of drinkers. But when you've gotten this far, aren't you a little bit more than just an alcoholic?
Otherwise, I think acquiring a taste for spirits is the cut off point. I don't mean sniffers who are into "tasting notes," but people who drink it and like how it tastes. It requires alcoholism to do this. Anything less and you're just talking varying degrees of liver damage.
(I can't believe they give this shit to 6 six year olds in your country)
Also, I'm kind of hurt that you didn't critique my "work." I guess after years of sleazy journalism you've lost your passion for fiction?
i think its time for an intervention on myself.
alcoholics anonymous over here if you get me
Anonymous, if it is still the same anonymous person, when you get to the 5am JD, there's the "little more than alcoholism" and then you know what comes next? Death.
Be careful out there.
Also day drinking is acceptable in these situations:
1- vacation
2- the beach
Other than that you are pushing it.
Agreed. I make exceptions sometimes on Sunday for football watching, but I don't like it, and it's usually a beer or two.
Uh... so the same for masturbating too I guess?
Vacation masturbating, as I mentioned a while back in my trip to Orlando post, is one of the top 12 types of masturbating.
Just read this and now feel insecure about my likely impending alcoholism. Like, I definitely day drink more often than vacation/the beach. Late afternoon pre-work beer? Mid-afternoon lunch beer? C'mon, you gotta. Day drinking's when I feel the most optimistic. Not sure what that really says, but w/e.
Everyone has different standards/threshold you know?
Alcoholism and alcohol dependency starts when the person exceeds his limitations. The best way to 'normalize' one's craving, or finally cease his dependency, is to visit an alcohol rehab in New York.
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