Everyone enjoyed the post we did about , so I thought I'd ask some other PTSOTL readers to tell me about whatever weird city it is that they live in (via generating free content.) In all honestly, I am always fascinated about hearing about places I've never been and likely never will from someone who lives there. Does that make me some kind of geography pervert? Probably. So this will be a thing now. I've got a few lined up, but if you want to tell me about where you live and take some pictures, get in touch.
Tiffy Thompson from Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario was super nice enough to get us rolling with this post about the vibes in her particular scene. Side note, thanks to my time at Street Carnage, (I'm guessing) a surprising number of Canadians read this blog. Surprising number of racists too, but whatever.
Everything you never wanted to know about Sault Ste. Marie
Sault Ste. Marie is a small city in Northern Ontario with about 75,000 people. It’s where Lake Superior meets the lower Great Lakes on the St. Mary’s River. Across the river, Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan houses the busiest channel in the North America, allowing thousands of tonnage of cargo (that’s what she said) to pass through the locks each year.
The Canadian side permits small, polite things through her locks, like “pleasure crafts”.
The Sault was initially settled by French Jesuits in the 1600’s, which is ironic considering the later disdain for French. City Council rejected official Canadian bilingualism in 1990 by resolving that English was the sole working language for city government. This was not well received by the rest of Canada, and marks about the closest thing we have to a ‘scandal.' The Sault also has a history of hating on disgusting naked people. These super-porny sculptures (on a community centre) were the rightful cause of much public scorn. You can almost imagine the genitalia!
The disdain for nudity was then transferred onto this crazy cow sculpture. Due to local outrage, the bull’s pink dick was spray-painted a chaste white.
The Sault is bordered by First Nation reserves, miscellaneous townships, and Michigan to the south. The Soo is separated from the US by an International Bridge and a duty-free shop.
The ‘border’ to the reserve is a little more blunt.
This is a swing bridge, the last of its kind in North America. It will swing out and create an emergency dam if the waters of the locks suddenly burst forth in some sort of inevitable terrorist-invoked apocalypse.
This is a popular family game called washer toss. It involves getting shit-faced and tossing steel washers into a sawed-off piece of plumbing tubing glued into a wooden box. Entire tournaments are created around this game; it creates dreams and crushes them.
The winter is long and punishing, with tons of lake-effect snow (the Sault rests on two of the greatest of lakes). You can ski or snowboard or build a 3-ski jump out of sticks and bricks; just about anything that can get you concussed! Every winter they have this big winter carnival, Bon Soo. The mascot is this terrifying apparition with an enormous polyurethane head.
Sault Ste. Marie is synonymous with Hockey. Hockey players are infallible gods. The Sault was once home to Wayne Gretzky, Phil Esposito and Joe Thornton. We used to call the Soo Greyhound groupies ‘hound-pounders’; shorthand for the physical, transformative love that can only exist between players and aspiring trophy wives.
Due to the prolific breeding of the Italians here, restaurant selection is limited. It’s all Italian food all the time, with a fattening frat boy spin (deep fried ravioli). Two sushi restaurants have recently surfaced, hurtling us towards an unknown and cosmopolitan future (probably).
A lot of dudes here look like dudes in Italy except for the fact that they are beefier and more date-rapey and dress in Tap-Out and Monster Energy drink shirts. They drive big trucks festooned with rubber testicles on the undercarriage and random bumper stickers decrying the long gun registry.
Most people have ‘camps’ that they retreat to in the summer. ‘Camp’ could mean a multi-million dollar cottage or a derelict shed. It is important to go to camp as much as possible in any weather because it is a license to drink your face off.
This is the main mall. Outside, a speaker blasts a terrible jingle about community followed by a stern admonishment of dirty filthy smokers. This will be repeated over and over for infinity. Inside, teenage girls cluster in small groups of 14-30 and drift, amoeba-like, through the food court. The local reprobates like to gather in their pyjamas at the cigarette/lottery counter, where they rip Nevada tickets and stare.
This is the best bar in town and it is filled with God’s People. It has a cover band playing every night and an owner who resembles a white Mr. T.
Draft Balls. Any Saultite will be familiar with this Northern brewery staple. A big plastic ball, filled to the brim with draft beer, that triples as a floatation device/lamp shade/bird feeder.
This is “Porter” the Locomotive. It’s now roped off because it’s a health risk. But back in 1982 you could just shove your kid on it for photos: just like a soulless, metal Santa.
Hiawatha (and environs): Sweet, sweet nature in the backyard. With Lake Superior, Algoma country (which was painted extensively the Group of Seven) and tons of beaches, this is invariably the best part about living here.
You can take a little drive and see these ochre pictographs drawn on Agawa rock. If your friends secretly hate you and you plunge into Lake Superior, you can try to pull yourself up with these handy ropes.
Gas is cheap here. Sike! Thank god we are the renewable energy capitol of the world, or else we’d have to rely on fossil fuels! Amirite?
Weather Rock: Chillingly accurate
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51 comments:
So Canada is boring? Math checks out.
Do people swim in the water in Canada? Serious question.
Why are the ceilings so low in that mall?
That weather rock is one of my favorite things I've seen in a while. Obvious rock is obvious.
Stop being so rapey, date-rapey guy with no eyes.
Yes people swim in the water here in Canada. Beats floor swimming.
What's floor swimming?
The ocean here in Mass. is pretty much unswimmable except for like one week in September when it's still super hot out and the pot finally approaches a boil after months of cooking.
There are lots of small lakes to swim in most of the time... You may be able to get a few weeks of warm swimming in the Great Lakes.
Woh, 100 likes. Nice one!
Yeah, swimming in lakes is much better anywhere I think. Ponds, ehhh, not as much.
This is foreign to most Canadians, the bulk of whom live in big cities (Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver, Calgary, etc). The Sault is an 11-hour drive from Toronto...
Great article...it's a beautiful part of the country and more big city people should experience it.
A very entertaining read! I kind wish I had an opportunity to enjoy/fear soulless metal Santa.
I have no idea where Anon got his "11-hour drive from Toronto" figure. That seems like bad math to me.
Depending on the time of day and what area of Toronto you're leaving from, it's more like a 7 to 8 hour drive.
Put some lead in your shoe dude! Definately 7 or 8 hours not 11 hours to Toronto hahah, but nonetheless this was a hilarious and very accurate read!
Because our mall licks nads
11 hour drive? The gas pedal is on the right there Grandma.
Forgot about all the fishing, hunting, and other badass outdoor activities people take part in like mud bogging, dirt biking, four wheeling etc. As well as Searchmont.
The Soo is more like a 7 hours drive from Toronto.
Yes we do haha
we swim in Lake Superior all summer :)
Take the bus and you'll be lucky to make it in 11 hours
My tax dollars paid for that rock.
At least someone finally said it! Haha. 100's of quality fishing lakes in the area all within an hr or 2 drive is what keeps alot of us around. It's a city filled with people that are no strangers to the great outdoors
I'm from the Soo - this article could not be more accurate! I literally laughed out loud. Well done.
LOL @ ALMOST 300 likes. Tiffy, are you some super famous blogger unbeknowest to me or something?
Great read! Miss my home town even after reading this lol!!
Depends who's driving. I'll be ya by 1.5 ;)
I laughed my head off because this is so true, but we also have many wonderful attractions, e.g. fishing, hunting, swimming, skiing, the local Public Library (where I used to work, and is filled with very friendly ladies, LOL) and lots of fine local talent. Good post.
yah some of this is definately true but as someone who is not a true Saultite.... you have missed the good stuff and only focused on the touristy crap which obviously sucks.... example of great stuff you missed: raves for weekends in abandone warehouses/barns, harmony beach, and reggies as the best bar in town common, shake your head
you did get all the touristy crap but go out with a local who does more than the regualr bar scene and you might open up your mind a little more
Love it! Great work Tiff!
I literally drive to the Toronto from the Sault every other month to visit friends from University - takes me 6.5 on average. 7 tops. Drive fast people!
LOL 644 likes. MORE CANADIAN TRAFFIC TALK POSTS PLZ
It's amazing how many people proclaim a love of the draft ball considering the open disdain the majority of people had of Northern Breweries. Fuck all you posers, go drink your Blue Light.
GETTING A LITTLE WEIRD
I would like to add that there is a lively music scene in the Soo. A wide variety including Rock, blues, folk, alternative and classical.
Nothing beats diving into the clear twinkling water of Lake Suuperior, the largest fresh water lake in the world.
Indian, Portugese and Malaysian food available.
Imagine my disappointment when I clicked on the COW DICKS label, hoping to find a wealth of insightful and engaging posts on said bovine appendages... Only to find that this is the only COW DICKS post on PTSOTL. I hope this is the first of many to come, otherwise you've just lost a dedicated reader!
Tiffy- brilliant as always. And accurate - we all have a love/hate relationship with the place.
this is the most sincere comment thread I have ever seen.
Wow I'm going to stay the hell away from you. That's an 8 hours going 10 over the speed limit without a single break....
We have raves in abandoned warehouses or barns? We have abandoned warehouses?
THIS WAS HILARIOUS!
uhhhh I friggen' love the rapey Tap Out comments - you described this perfectly
also - Bon Soo may have a face that could scare the shit out of you, but he'll always hold a special place in this Saultite's heart.
Bahahah this is the best and completely accurate!
3-ski? You must be from thessalon. Most people west of there call it a GT.......This is an on going debate.
Or down the line.......this is fantastic!!!! Love it's!!!
Station mall does not lick nads
All summer - sometimes as early as June and as late as October. Very refreshing (read cold!!). Keeps our northern skin healthy and young looking!
Don't forget! The Sault has both the highest per capita rate of domestic abuse and date rape. It also has one of largest number of seniors. Go figure!
Don't forget these classy Sault highlights from the recent past.
A place, Top Sail Island, where dog owners refuse to leash their dogs, even though an elderly man and his granddaughter were attacked by one of these dogs. The animal control officer even socializes with owners right next to the "leash your dog" sign.
A place where hockey players can gang rape victims and have the local newspaper, The Sault Star, ask, "But when will they be allowed to play again?"
Where on any Sunday afternoon, you can walk past a middle income home and see two adult men having a fist-fight in the street (for more space and no blood cleaning inconvenience), though this IS preferable to witnessing the invariable domestic inside the home.
A place where bigots throw piss buckets at visible minority university students walking along the promenade, unless they choose to abduct and sell them into sex-slavery instead.
Ah, yes-the Sault!
Old senile geezers driving in the middle of the road and stanky goulligans driving on the sidewalk.
The friendliest city in Algoma.
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