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| dramatic reenactment |
Jess Burday went to San Diego. This is what she learned. Check out her last couple pieces for us here.
San Diego is sun, beach and more boys than I know what to do with. Once upon a time I lived there; it’s a little hazy, but I made one friend. I still go to visit her, and not just because it’s a free place to stay. There's all the free food too. What San Diego lacks for in intelligence and culture, it makes up for with weather and amazing fake tits. If there's anyone in Boston you haven't seen in awhile, they probably moved to San Diego.
But who cares about any of that, because here's one important cultural lesson I think we need to address:
I was on the bus to Boston’s Logan Airport when an obese, ill-dressed man boarded. A woman with two empty seats next to her moved her bag and offered him both seats. He said "No thanks, I'm all set." He held onto a pole, swayed, and headed for me, which is something I'm used to from watching boozed up guys approach me at the bar I work at. I had one seat next to me with my suitcase. There wasn't much room. He squished in and said "Sorry, it's a tight fit."
You're not sorry at all or else you would've sat in those two open seats which are waiting for a butt cheek each. I moved my suitcase over to take the brunt of his thigh. Yes, I should've moved altogether. It's a combination of three things: Denial,maybe he won't talk to me? Laziness, do I really need to lug my suitcase, hand-bag, and latte to another seat? And social politeness, that's right, somewhere in the twisted back part of my brain I don't want to offend this offensively large, smelly man. This is what I get for dressing super cute: a bit of eye contact and a hint of a smile from the sexy suited man two rows away who I'll never see again, and fully body contact with the gross guy.
"What are you? Italian? Irish?" he asked.
"Jewish."
"Shalom, l'cheim. Happy Passover," he said. "Assalaamu alaikum."
Thanks? If I were a Jewish-Muslim that greeting would be perfect.
The girlfriend I’m visiting is newly married and pregnant. I arrived in San Diego with no wedding present, so my friend and I went shopping. I tried to put $100 toward a kitchen table she liked. We didn't buy the table, but I did get a great candelabra for myself, so at least one of us was happy.
"Did you bring your vibrator and charger?" my friend asked, because that's normal. Her husband wanted to know too. My friend told him I had brought it on my last vacation, and that was for only two days.
No. I didn't know I'd have my own bed.
She's curious about how I use it with my boyfriend. I described it and asked about her toy situation. She doesn't have any, she said. "I wouldn't mind getting one as a gift."
Noted. Wait, is a vibrator an appropriate baby present?
We headed out for drinks. Or we headed out for my friend to watch me drink, which is probably not as much fun as that sounds.
This is actually a Japanese seafood salad, not a craft cocktail. After downing our seaweed and two large sakes for me, I offer to take my friend maternity clothes shopping. I’m the single girlfriend with no maternity fashion expertise, what could go wrong? Twenty shirts, four pants and several nursing bras later my friend headed for the dressing room. She poked her head out. "You might as well come in here."
She looked huge. She lifted up her shirt and removed her belly. WTF?
"It's a seven month belly, so you can see how the clothes will fit."
"It's a strap-on belly!" Wow, who knew? I've gotta try that thing on. This is a first for me, and I'm familiar with strap-ons.
This is how it works. I'm wearing this on my flight back and cramming myself down next to the first gross fat guy I see. Let's see how much he likes my strap-on.
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8 comments:
must be tough
What, the strap on? (pretending you said hard instead of tought). LOL!
tits or gtfo
Are you kidding? Any fat guy is going to love it!
brb...pornhub.....jess...vibrator...
You find anything broski?
It's easier just to email me.
We ain't found shit, Luke!
mooseknuckle...O'Neil....pink sock... DP....117 videos found
You still got dat anal charisma!
man has to pay the bills somehow
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